SportsCenter Pares Down Lineup

In light of the inordinate amount of bitching and moaning that I do about ESPN, I’m delighted to share this bit of news:

On Tuesday, ESPN announced plans to pare down its SportsCenter lineup, reducing the number of anchors that will regularly handle the program. Do you know what that means? That’s right – LESS STUART SCOTT. Instead of using a dozen or so anchors and mixing up the combination of teams, the network has settled on six anchors and three teams.

“We believe at the end, a smaller pool of on-air talent and more consistent production team will create a better product.” – Norby Williamson, senior vice president and managing editor for ESPN.

Beginning Monday, SC viewers will get Dan Patrick and Fred Hickman for the 5 p.m. show, John Anderson and Steve Levy at 10 p.m., and Neil Everett and Scott Van Pelt at midnight. Stuart Scott will continue to anchor the Sunday night edition and appear occasionally on the 10 p.m. weekday slot.

It’s not much but it’s a start in the right direction.

SportsCenter Goes Indie

The NEW YORK POST reports [where would gossip be without the Post? We'd be in a veritable wasteland of celebrity not knowing, which would force people to focus on their real lives. Sad, isn't it?] that when Martha Stewart eliminates the first contestant on her version of “The Apprentice,” she’ll substitute Donald Trump’s trademark “You’re fired!” with the less catchy, “You just don’t fit in.” That’s no fun at all. I think she should line the contestants out across the Montauk Highway (or “Main Street” depending on her exact location) and point her Suburban at the cast off. Then she can should tear ass toward said ousted individual and literally chase him off the show. Now isn’t that the real Martha Stewart way?

* I was flipping through the channels yesterday when Quite Frankly came on. But at the moment Stephen A. Smith walked out and began to speak, the sound went out on my tv. I checked to see if I’d pushed mute – nope. It’s a $400 tv that’s less than a year old, so if there’s some type of random malfunction, I’m gonna really curse myself for not letting Best Buy rip me off with that warranty. But that wasn’t the problem either. About a minute later, a graphic popped up – “Audio Difficulties.” Stephen A. shouted in silence for nearly 3 minutes before ESPN went to commercial and then came back with something else entirely. It was like God was at the controls.

* Twice in as many days I’ve heard that Clay Aiken is gay. Not that this wasn’t obvious before. But one of my new favorite sites, What Would Tyler Durden Do, shares (via RaderOnline) that not only is the painfully unattractive Clay Aiken gay but that his boyfriend is hotter than all of you.

Reichen Lehmkul, the US Air Force Academy grad that won The Amazing Race 4 with his then husband/partner/companion, has been romancing Clay Aiken while filming on the Kill Reality set. I don’t know what Kill Reality is but Clay Aiken was calling the show’s only openly gay star like a crack ho in need of a fix.

“Reichen swears there’s nothing going on,” says our source. “But Clay kept calling non-stop. It was all very weird.”

* I have another ESPN complaint/question, as it continues to do its worst (or is it best?) to attract fools and alienate intelligent sports fans. While watching SC this morning, some random anchor said, “What Ben Gibbard is to Death Cab for Cutie, Rafael Nadal is to blue courts.” What the hell does that mean? They said it the other day, too, after Jason Marquis’ 2-hit shutout – “What Ben Gibbard is to Death Cab For Cutie, Jason Marquis is to the Cardinals on 3 days rest.” Booyah! That makes all kinds of sense because until a couple days ago, Jason Marquis couldn’t pitch his way out of a paper bag on 2, 3, 4 or 5 days rest. Should I just be glad that I didn’t have to suffer through, “This is how we do,” “Holla at ya boi when ya something or other in the club,” “Cooler than the other side of the pillow,” or “illest?” Perhaps, but saving us from Stuart Scott doesn’t give these people the right to inflict damage in other ways. The other day, it was the Lew Ford:Twins::James Mercer:The Shins. I first question whether anyone at SportsCenter even knows who Ben Gibbard is, let alone James Mercer, but let’s pretend for a moment that they do. If you ask someone about Ben Gibbard**, you’re going to get one of two responses, so does comparing Marquis and Nadal [a streaky pitcher backed by a ridiculous lineup and a capri pant-wearing, clay court prodigy no one heard of 6 months ago] to Gibbard mean that, in their respective crafts, the two are the unappreciated geniuses of their generation or that they’re whining emo pussies? Our SC friends never say but that’s likely because they don’t actually know. I assume they mean the former and if so, they should remind the “hip” intern writing this bullshit that he should reserve the “Gibbard is a genius” analogies for the people that actually deserve it. On most nights, the only thing Jason Marquis deserves is to drive home without being followed by a van of heckling redbird fans.

**For readers over 35: Ben Gibbard is the singer/guitarist/songwriter of indie bands, Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service.

Serena Williams Unveils Yet Another Horrible Outfit

ESPN Magazine ranks the University of Tennessee No. 6. However, in its preview of the team, there’s not even a hint that 12 UT players have been arrested since the end of last season… so typical of the obnoxious, biased, hype machine that is ESPN. One day a bomb will drop on Bristol and after the nuclear fallout, I’ll journey to Connecticut to do the Dance of Joy on the ruins.

I read this morning that Serena Williams is unveiling yet another creepy outfit that will be worn during the US Open. Nicknamed “The Diva” in the USTA’s incredibly annoying marketing campaign [and what the hell is that campaign? It Girl, Goddess, Rocketman. Thanks USTA. I want to watch tennis even less now], she’ll be wearing a purple and white tennis dress that boasts a plunging neckline and a transparent, pleated purple skirt. “It is see-through,” Serena told The Post, “so I’ll have to get some shorts under there.” Then why have it at all? Why not wear those ass shorts that volleyball players wear? Or just go back to that freaky dominatrix/booty short business that frightened the masses last year?

My question is this — Am I the only one that wonders if Serena feels like a dumbass when she goes down in flames looking like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction? Look at the picture in the middle! She looks like a Jamaican holiday. Is there not a point where Serena says to herself, “Bloody Christ, as if the humiliation of losing isn’t enough.. I ALSO look like Wolverine today.”

Kansas Changes Mascot: Now the Gayhawks

Senior linebackers Nick Reid, Kevin Kane, and Banks Floodman show off their “leaping ability” at media day. Reid, Kane, and Floodman make up the linebacker core that will be an integral part of a highly touted Kansas defense.
I can’t come up with a wisecrack that would be funnier than this picture. Can you?

Problems

Problem 1 – i had this “nightmare” last night where my job situation was hammered and people started throwing stones at us. I woke up assured that it was real and wondering how I’d rationalize this to anyone that asked questions. But as it turns out, it was just a regular Friday morning. So that was either a horrifying premonition or I should think about finding a different cold medicine. Nyquil is obviously causing me some trouble.

Problem 2 – my laptop fell victim to my morning incoherence. It sits on a table next to my bed and when falling out of bed this morning to start my day, I ran into the bloody thing and it fell onto the floor. The internal pin (something which with I’ve had previous problems) that receives power from the AC adapter broke and for the 3rd time this year, I have to send the bugger to HP for repairs. I managed to save all of my pictures and word documents before the battery died but I lost about 15 Gigs of music It’s all either stored on my ipod or in my cd collection, so it’s not like I lost everything completely but goddammit!!! AAAHHHHHH!

Problem 3 – I went to Boss earlier to ask for a day off in October. I figured 2 months notice was good enough. Going in his office was easy enough and after I offered him some candy, it was a jolly atmosphere. We shot the breeze for a minute and then he looked at me with concern. “Is there something you want to talk about? Can I help you with anything? You know I’m here for you.” With the exception of when he’s freaking out, Boss uses this fatherly tone with me, so I almost felt bad that I didn’t come in there prepared to have a heart to heart. In any case, I was pretty careful with my wording, talking about how much I love working for him and how much I treasure the every day experience. After he returned the compliments, I could tell he knew I was up to something. So I asked straight out. “Day off? The last day off you had was for a concussion. Planning on a bone break?” He stared, waiting for an explanation. “You see, sir.. I want to … partake.. in an activity… that will be funandIregisteredforitalreadyandI’vebeenreallylookingforwardtodoingitfortwoyears?” His facial expression remained unchanged. “If I can’t have the day off, I completely understand.” I hardly got “understand” out before he said, “That’s great. Because you can’t go.” Dejected, I turned to leave, but Boss then lead me down the primrose path of hope. “You look really sad about me saying no.” I nodded and shared that I’d been looking forward to this event for quite some time. “Is this one of your crazy, adrenaline issues?” I didn’t want to lie but figured an affirmative answer would ruin everything, so I didn’t say anything at all. “Where are you going?” I couldn’t silence my way out of this one. I told him about Bridge Day, that this is the first year I’ve been able to attend, and normally I would ask first and register later but I actually registered in December of last year. [For the uninformed, Bridge Day is this spectacular day on the New River Gorge in West Virginia where the bridge is opened to B.A.S.E. jumpers - this only happens once a year. This year it's on October 15, which is 49 days and 14 hours from now] Boss looked in the air and went into thinking mode. It felt like 5 minutes went by. “Little Flash, you do a fantastic job?” “Thank you sir.” “And I don’t know what we’d do without you.” Hello, Bridge! “… so I’m still not letting you go, okay? If you jump off the bridge and die or break your legs, then what? I won’t authorize your hazardous, radical, nutball interests. You save that for 10 years from now when you work somewhere else. Why don’t you go climb the fence outside and jump off that.” I thanked him for his consideration and while turning to leave his office, my foot caught on the carpet and I fell, spilling my candy and what little was left of my pride.

I’m leaving now to cry. I hope you all have a nice Friday.

I Wrote Jose Guillen Instead of Ozzie Guillen

Check out my Tuesday update at SportsbyBrooks, which includes:

Scott Spiezio’s Freakish Tattoo

Meet Scott Spiezio… and his girlfriend. Her name is Jenn with a double N (which also seems to be the size of her breasts) and she’s a model from Anaheim. It’s been a rather turbulent year for Spiezio — he went through a divorce, injuries, and, two days ago, was DFA by the Mariners. Apparently, this tattoo was supposed to help him through the tough times by having a little fun.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think I want attack of the 50 foot woman on my bicep. Spiezio wanted his tatt to look like a pin-up found on barracks walls from wars in the past, so he used one of Jenn’s modeling photos.

“I like that tattoo a lot … but have you seen her in person? It doesn’t do her justice. She’s stunning.”

I don’t know what he’s talking about. This girl looks like Kim Basinger when she was all coked out and oversexed in 8 Mile.

When asked what he liked about his woman, Spiezio said: “What first attracted me to her was her looks [I didn't see that coming.] I thought she was going to be stuck up, but she was opposite of what I thought. We have a lot of things in common.”

I’m sure there’s an extensive list of commonalities between them, one likely being the love of the body hair landing strip. What I’d like to know is if Jenn with a double N gets better curves when Spiezio is flexing. If his arm is unflexed, does she get fat(ter)? Do her boobs shrink? Maybe she puts her clothes back on completely like one of those naughty, naked girl pens that you hold upside down.

I know the Mariners released him because he was batting .064 with an OBP of .137 but come on. You wouldn’t waive this doofus on principle? If you’re gonna put a woman on your arm, at least make sure she doesn’t look like she’s breastfed the village from the Feed the Children commercials.

What NFL Rookie Had the Longest Holdout?

I was wondering — in the history of the NFL, what first round pick had the longest holdout before signing his contract? Did he pan out or was he a bust? There isn’t much in it for you on this… if I’m in a good mood, I might give you a cookie out of a batch that I bake for myself.

2009 Update! (based on being flooded by thousands of Michael Crabtree related hits): The longest hold out by a top pick was Bo Jackson. In 1986, the Tecmo Bowl legend opted to take his once-in-a-generation talent to the Kansas City Royals rather than toil with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He re-entered the NFL draft in 1987 and was selected by the Oakland Raiders in the 7th round. Other fun facts: Emmitt Smith held out for a ridiculous 48 days. Anyone else who decided to hold out for an absurd length of time has proven themselves an unmitigated disaster. For recent evidence, see: Jamarcus Russell.

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Ever seen commercials from the Christian Children’s Fund? They have an Ernest Hemingway looking oldster that hangs out in an unidentified, 3rd world hellhole with a little boy or girl that is inevitably barefoot and plagued by flies. The child stares into the camera with his or her sad, vacant eyes, all but daring you not to feel guilty while the old guy briefly explains the child’s plight. A few seconds later, the man is lead through the village/leper colony/shantytown and we see other frightened, terribly depressed children that are desperately clinging to inanimate objects. Then Ernest pipes in. “Maybe you’re too busy with your day to day life. But these kids don’t have time to wait for when you’re ready to make a commitment. 4,200 kids died last night but a lot more can be saved with the help of sponsors. Only 80 cents a day and little whomever can learn to read and get penicillin. Why not now? You’ll be a better person. Heaven’s in it for you… You know what I think it is? I think you just forgot the number.” Then the man walks out to some railroad tracks (I guess he didn’t tool up to the village in his Range Rover) and while a random train passes, we see the 1-800 number. It’s the same formula every time.

About 20 minutes ago this commercial aired again. The casual yet worldly man was hanging out with a terrified little girl named something obvious like Guadalupe. The commercial seemed par for the course until Hemingway said, “and she lived in a cardboard hut on the edge of a cliff until a storm blew it away.” … [I'm gonna give you a second to absorb that - or laugh. Take your pick.] Who in the hell does the Christian Children’s Fund think it’s fooling? I’ve had enough of their trying to make me feel guilty about 80 cents a day. For all I know, the 80 cents is going to salaries of the jack-off writers that come up with storylines like this one. Living on a cliff in a cardboard hut. Maybe Lupe’s grandfather should have tied it to a palm tree before he succumbed to lepresy and the other afflictions that could have been prevented if he had a sponsor. How about that, writers? The only time a child has been saved was in Garden State, where Titembay was able to parlay 80 cents a day into admission to Rutgers. Unbelievable.

*Disclaimer for idiots: I feel bad for the children. I just hate the commercial.

Wanna Smoke a Bowl with Randy Moss?

I’d sure like to. Randy Moss admitted to partaking of the ganja “every blue moon” to Bryant Gumbel and (on Tuesday) to Real Sports’ millions of viewers as well. [I don't know how many people actually watch Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel the first time around but after the 18th airings of Big Fish, You Got Served, and Drumline in a week, Real Sports is probably the best thing happening on HBO (Besides Real Sex, of course) until Inside the NFL comes back on.]

“I have used, you know, marijuana … since I’ve been in the league. But as far as abusing it and, you know, letting it take control over me, I don’t do that, no.”

Ah, good. Then what is controlling you, Randy? In 1995, Notre Dame revoked his scholarship after he got in a fight with a kid at his high school and was jailed for battery. But that didn’t bumfuzzle Bobby Bowden. He scooped up Moss but couldn’t justify keeping him (when have you seen Bowden not give a kid 42 chances?) after Moss violated his probation by smoking marijuana and went back to jail. Lesson learned? Obviously not. God forbid Randy be a little less obvious.

When pressed on whether he still gets blazed, Moss said, “I might. I might have fun. And, you know, hopefully … I won’t get into any trouble by the NFL by saying that, you know. I have had fun throughout my years and, you know, predominantly in the offseason.”

Predominately in the offseason? He hopes he won’t get in any trouble by the NFL by saying that? Thanks, Randy!! You fucking assbag!! GAH!!!!! My Raiders are in dire straits as it is. The last thing we need is Moss picking up a suspension because he wants to be coy with Bryant Gumble, which causes the league to get wise and test him every 5 minutes.

“But, you know, I don’t want any kids, you know, watching this taking a lesson from me as far as ‘Well, Randy Moss used it so I’m going to use it.’ I don’t want that to get across. Like I say … I have used marijuana in the past. And every blue moon or every once in a while I might.”

I figure Randy’s other “don’t do like me” lessons for the kids include, but are unlikely limited to: don’t run over traffic cops, squirt refs in the face with water bottles, verbally abuse corporate sponsors on the team bus, “moon” Packer fans at Lambeau, beat up high school classmates, or leave the field with 2 seconds to go before a loss.

I guess it’s good that he apologized in advance for any absurd on or off-field antics but I hate him anyway… and if he doesn’t catch 55 touchdowns this season, I’ll hate him extra.

More Cowbell! Walken for President 2008

I just spotted this and wanted to share it with those of you, who, like me, are conflicted about which corrupt, political hack will receive your vote in the 2008 presidential election. I present to you Walken 2008.

“Our great country is in a terrible downward spiral. We’re outsourcing jobs, bankrupting social security, and losing lives at war. We need to focus on what’s important– paying attention to our children, our citizens, our future. We need to think about improving our failing educational system, making better use of our resources, and helping to promote a stable, safe, and tolerant global society. It’s time to be smart about our politics. It’s time to get America back on track.” – Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken, who is best known for playing psychologically damaged nutsos and dazzling us with dance moves in Fatboy Slim videos, apparently has a platform as well. It focuses on three things thus far:

Campaign Finance Reform:
“I believe that campaign finance is a very tough issue, with good points on both sides; but I feel, as a wealthy American, that I should have no more say than even the least fortunate American citizen. Free speech in politics is about the voices of all those who support you, not who supports you with the biggest voice.”

Military Funding:
“I am a huge supporter of the military. I have always thought of them as our guardians, and when our guardians are making less than the poverty line, and children are suffering because their parents decided to join the military, well, I get very upset. I feel that instead of sending billions to the Pentagon’s pet projects, it should go to the troops.”

Stem Cell Research:
“I’d met Chris Reeve several times before he died, and after having met him it is tough to be against [stem cell research]. I am for human knowledge and expansion of human life. If stem cells are one way to do that, I cannot support legislation to restrict this potentially life-saving research.”

It’s too bad that this is a hoax. If Christopher Walken was the Libertarian candidate, I’d have to consider casting a vote. Maybe I could contribute some cash to the campaign and get a room at The Continental.