Oct 7, 2005
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Survivor: America’s Worst Sports Announcers

All my complaining about Joe Morgan got me thinking – if he was in a room with other dimbulb announcers like Bill Walton and John Madden, who would come out alive? Would they bond over their non-abilities? Would the clash of egos lead to violence? I’ve never watched an episode of Survivor but it wasn’t long before I thought of a great, new concept for them.
Why not put the worst announcers in American sports on a faraway Island of Dr. Moreau-type location, give them announcing-related tasks to do at the tops of live volcanos, waterfalls, alligator pits, and mangled suspension bridges, and see who survives?
For twelve weeks, these zany tasks will result in a different announcer being shuffled loose the mortal coil. But how to get them to participate in such death games? We’ll lure them to the island under the presumption that we’re looking for the best sportscaster. They’ll jump at the opportunity under the belief that there’s a $5M prize, daily exposure on ESPN, ESPN.com, and ABCSports, turducken, their own video game franchise, and, of course, the title of America’s best.
One would have to assume that when they arrive and see the competition, there will be cause for suspicion but the better judgment of our contestants will be clouded by their egos and stupidity. The winner of the competition will have to go on national tv, apologize for years of ineptitude, and then (after an airing of grievances by millions of fans around the world) submit to a punishment of the viewers’ choice.
What, is that harsh?
Well maybe these wankers should’ve thought about that before spending decades drunk and sucking ass while the in-game sports experiences are ruined for millions of fans week in and week out. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t we deserve some justice?! Don’t we need a feel-good program that makes up for all the years that these tossers have been making our ears bleed?
With my host Keith Jackson [who will scream "Whoa, Nellie!" as contestants fall to their deaths/are eaten/drown], I present to you the contestants for Survivor: America’s Worst Sports Announcers.
Generalisimo Idioto Brent Drunkburger Paul Maguire Joe Theismann - doesn't actually rhyme with Heisman
Steve Lyons: Plot by Al Qaeda to make Americans as functional as doorknobs Joe Buck: Slamalamadingdong! John Madden: I predict he'll eat Holly Rowe after missing his first meal Holly Rowe: Ron Franklin's bitch
Bill Walton: Worst Announcer in the HISTORY of the NBA Chris Berman Dan Fouts Tim McCarver Larry Merchant
Call me, CBS. I think I’ve got a winner.

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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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