It’s 3 am

Given the time of year, my posting will be pretty sporadic for the next few days… then again, you probably figured that out already.

Merry Chrismukah

If you’re looking for a Happy Holidays greeting, I’m sorry, but this is the best I can do. I don’t celebrate holidays created after I was born (I’m lookin at you Kwanzaa) and I don’t give a damn if Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah offend your PC sensibilites. I know it’s rough hearing Merry Christmas when you’re not down with Christ but get over it. It lasts a month and it’s over. Around 10 months out of the year I hate people telling me “Good morning.” They’re too perky and I’m too tired but you know what? I fake a smile and move on. You all should do the same. Oops, that wasn’t a very festive attitude. My apologies, all. I lost control.

To my Gentile friends: I wish you and your loved ones a safe, warm, Merry Christmas.
To my fellow Jews: Happy Chanukah … try to avoid MSG poisoning on Christmas Day.

I Gotta Lotta Problems with You People!

In celebration of Festivus, the crew at The Airing of Grievances are bringing out the aluminum pole for their annual Festivus Extravaganza. Cozmo Cramer asked if I’d be interested in submitting my own, so I was more than happy to oblige with a few thoughts on sports and pop culture happenings… you all know how I love to bitch. If you’re asking why I left out grievances on politics, terrorism, and the economy, we’d be into the new year and I’d still be typing, so gather round the pole, people… here we go:

SportsbyBrooks Update

Check out my Wednesday update for SportsbyBrooks, which includes:

The bloggers at Hey Jenny Slater present The Simpsons Cavalcade of College Football, which compares college football teams with members of The Simpsons cast.

The Lord of the Idiots Is Off to the Bronx

“There’s no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard. It’s definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It’s not what I need.”
~ Johnny Damon

So I had this long complaint written up about Johnny Damon’s agreement to sign with the Yankees. You all know I hate him and his noodle arm, but after sleeping on it (the issue, not the arm), I’ve decided to shut up on this particular matter. Damon’s fast but his arm is the worst, so it feels like the Yankees did nothing but put Bernie Williams in the way back machine and re-signed him for too much money and too many years.. but all things considered, this was a solid move that filled a dire need. All I hope is that when Damon inevitably shaves his beard and cuts his hair, he doesn’t end up like Samson and lose all his powers.

As for the move on Dotel, I like the gamble. He’ll be ready to go after the All-Star break and having a rotation of Dotel, Farnsworth, and Rivera finishing games as we head into the playoffs makes me all tingly inside … which is a stark contrast from the feelings I had when Paul Quantrill and Mike Stanton were heading out to the mound. Nice moves, Cashman.

And no — I will not retract anti-Johnny Damon comments made in the following posts: Lord of the Idiots; Schillings, Damons, and Scarves; Down with Chris Berman.

Hey kind citizens. I’m scheduled

Hey kind citizens. I’m scheduled for an update on SportsbyBrooks next week, so if you spot any crazy, funny, entertaining, (or any other adjective) sports links, pictures, or news out there, please email them to me at flash12@gmail.com. Further, if boobs are involved, that makes it even better.

Cheers!

Trouble With Your Man? Use Dickie V!

Ladies! Do you need a painless way to get one-night stand errors out of your house before anyone notices? Are you eager to kick your boyfriend’s sorry ass to the curb by the end of this Chrismukzaa season? Look no further than the Dick Vitale Alarm Clock. Set the alarm and wait by the door with his clothes in hand. At go-time, one of fourteen vivacious Vitalisms will harshly rouse his snoring ’til noon ass out your bed and send him running out the door. Just toss the clothes at him on his way out; he won’t be back.

I asked the man in my life what he’d think if I gave him one of these. “I would think “Oh please God let me die in my sleep.’” … He’d better not act up.

Message to Paul Hornung

STOP! Please, just stop commenting on issues!

As most of you recall, Paul Hornung created a heap of controversy and outrage around these parts while making an appearance on Detroit’s AM-1270 sometime last year. He was asked why it seemed as though there were no dynasties left in college football; did limited scholarships have something to do with it?

“Notre Dame is playing eight bowl teams next year [Michigan, Michigan State, & Purdue to start the season]… and it’s always year in and year out one of the toughest schedules. You can’t play a schedule like that unless you have the black athlete today. You just can’t do it, and it’s very, very tough, still, to get into Notre Dame. They [he means Notre Dame and its alumni] just don’t understand it, yet they want to win.”

Nowadays, the 1956 Heisman Trophy winner is pleased with the success Notre Dame has had under new head coach Charlie Weis. Though he thinks the Irish’s recruiting problems have been solved by Weis, Hornung continues to stand by his remarks — to a degree.

While speaking at the Hilton recently, the Golden Boy said, “We do need to lower our standards to get the best black athletes. But we need to do that to get the best white athletes, too.”

White athletes. Black athletes. Well, I guess that’s okay. But what about the athletes of the Pacific Rim? What this school needs is more Samoans. Four Junior Seaus and seven Troy Polamalus (and a way to recruit their fast, strong, mean kin) and you’ll be looking at the newest dynasty. Defense wins championships, ya know. And while they’re at it, they should throw in The Rock. He’s half black, half Samoan. They can put him on the sidelines and call him Coach Tony Rocky Horror.

Confused President Bush Nabs Reggie Bush’s Heisman

Like I said way back in September, with this type of ability, he certainly deserves it.

In other news: Confused President Bush Nabs Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
New York, December 10, 2005

An apparently confused and disoriented President George W. Bush appeared unexpectedly at Manhattan’s Nokia Theatre in Times Square today to accept the Downtown Athletic Club’s prestigious Heisman Trophy, the highest honor awarded annually in college football. The president’s crashing of the ceremony severely disrupted proceedings and cast some doubt as to whether the award will in fact be awarded to its actual intended recipient, USC running back Reggie Bush, who has long been considered a favorite to clinch the trophy.

“It was really bizarre,” said Larry Huberto, a spectator at the event. “Reggie Bush’s name had just been announced as the Heisman Trophy winner, and he was heading up to the stage to accept the trophy, when all of a sudden about a dozen secret service guys come charging in shouting and everybody freezes. About thirty seconds later, President Bush comes in and goes up to the stage, smiling and waving at everybody like we were happy to see him or something. The whole audience was just standing there with their jaws dropped.”

According to several witnesses, President Bush strode purposefully to the podium, using the newly revised extra-purposeful walk he has been perfecting with his choreographer Vladla Sylvianne during his recent Asia junket, grasped the presenter warmly by the hand, and accepted the Heisman Trophy intended for Reggie Bush.

The president, apparently mistaking Heisman nominee Reggie Bush for a waiter, also asked the college football superstar to “get me a bowl of pretzels, and pronto”, according to eyewitnesses.

“Then he gave like a kind of speech, only it was different from his regular speeches. More natural, kind of, and also stupider,” said Bobby Derrick, another spectator at the event.

“He said ‘I’m real happy to be getting this nice award, this Houseman trophy’ – he didn’t even know it was called a Heisman – ‘and want to thank y’all for y’all’s support. I didn’t know cheerleading was even qualified for the award, but I’m real appreciative to be getting all your appreciation after all these years.’ Then he just kind of grabbed the trophy and took off.”

President Bush then had some difficulty extricating himself from the proceedings, fumbling several times with three different locked doors before a secret service agent showed him the one though which he had entered ninety seconds earlier.

“He kind of tried to pretend he was just being funny,” said Mr. Derrick, “but he obviously was just too stupid to find his way out on his own. Must be the exit strategy thing.”

Vince Young + Gangsters + Trash talk = National Championship.

I hate the University of Texas – the fans, the players, and even that wasted medium-well opportunity, Bevo. For them, there is no love to be found here. But for quite a while, I’ve had a soft spot for Vince Young. Every year the collegiate football world sees quarterbacks in the same mold as Vince but I can’t think of any more dangerous. His ability to win games seemingly on his own (2005 Rose Bowl vs. Michigan, 2005 vs. Ohio State, & 2004/5 vs. Oklahoma State) and destroy teams rather effortlessly is what sets him apart. Now, I don’t think he’s the best pure quarterback in college football and he’s certainly not the best all-around player, but Young is a spectacular athlete and I respect what he’s accomplished both on and off the field. From all reports, Young is a good kid – humble, generous, responsible, and all of that other crap we pretend to value over athletic prowess. A small part of me always rooted for him, so when I was directed to an article where Young details why the won’t be intimidated by USC and what he hopes voters look at when picking the Heisman, I expected the typical cliches and fluff.

“They have great speed. We have great speed. They have a great quarterback. We have a great quarterback. Both have great running backs. We can go on down the line. They have a funny coach. We have a funny coach. I’m looking forward to it.” Harmless, right? But as it develops, Young slowly becomes your typical buffoon.

On what Heisman voters should look at when making their selection:
“I hope they’ll [Heisman voters] see the numbers I’ve put up are basically from the first half. The second half I’m basically on the bench. If I played a full game, I’d have some more stats. But Coach [Mack] Brown doesn’t like to blow out people, so he puts our starters on the bench.” He followed this genius up with, “If they look at that and how much I love my teammates and how well we play together and how big of a leader I am to them, I’m pretty sure I should win it.”
Translation: “Vote for me because I’m so inVINCEible in the first half, by the second, Coach sits me just to have mercy on the innocent. It’s a shame for my stats but I’m so hot, I’ll set my uniform on fire and that’s not safe for anybody.” Way to make a case for yourself, Vince. Jesus.

Why Young may not win
“If they’re just looking for the big, big highlights, Bush is going to win. I had a couple highlights, but not as much as he does.”
Translation: Reggie Bush is an electrifying, human highlight reel. I guess you’d vote for him if you’re into that best college player ever kinda thing. But for those of you interested in Michael Vick but slower and with a more accurate arm, I’m your man.

Are the Horns intimidated?
“Intimidated by what? I don’t know why people think they’re going to scare us. We’ve been to the Granddaddy of Them All. We’ve been in the big game as well.” I side with him here. In addition, the 2005 USC team isn’t 34-0 with back-to-back national championships — the program is. This particular team is 11-0 and could easily be 9-2; they’re not as scary as the media makes them out to be.

Has USC seen an offense or a team like the Longhorns?
“They haven’t seen the different guys on our team who are gangster,” Young said. “We’ve got some guys who will talk some trash… If they say something to us, we’re going to talk back and we’re going to talk trash the whole game.”

Ooooh, look out USC – not only are the Horns gangster, they also have plans to talk trash. I bet that’ll get you off your game. A well-timed “how ya like that, bitch?” here and a “fuck you muthafuckas” there and the Texas Longhorns may pull off an upset in the 8th installment of Game of the Millenium.