Julian Tavarez “Punches” Like A Bitch

I know the Julian Tavarez – Joey Gathwright thing has made the rounds everywhere but for some reason, my disconnected ass is only now seeing the pictures (Click here for the blow-by-blow sequence). While looking at them, I noticed something:

My father taught me how to punch when I was 5 years old, so I could defend myself against my siblings and other attackers, and the first thing he told me was, "Don’t stick your thumb out when you make a fist. When you punch someone, it’ll get broken." How is it that I know that and this prole does not? Maybe it’s because Julian Tavarez is a psychotic, squelching vagina! What self-respecting man hits like that, thumb out, arm cocked and ready for a limp-wristed, flamey attempt at a strike? With that style, Tavarez would have been better off going the 17-year-old girl route and fighting like a wounded cat. He could’ve clawed Gathwright in the face, pulled his hair, and grabbed at his shirt… some idiot from the crowd could’ve yelled "Show us your boobs!" This is absolutely unacceptable. It’s no wonder to me that he got beaten up by that wall! If you’re gonna get tough with somebody, you’d better come correct and it’s clear to me that Tavarez never will. If only those goons in the dugouts wouldn’t have ruined things by clearing the benches.. Carl Crawford could have handled this situation appropriately.

Halftime: Arsenal 2 0 Juventus

Playing the same 4-5-1 as was used against Madrid, we dominated every area of the field. But it was Cesc Fabregas that was a true wonder to behold. The 18-year-old’s battle with Vieira, the legend that he was signed to replace, was as fascinating to watch as it was symbolic. Much was made of his tussle with our former Captain in midfield, but the Spanish boy wonder was a clear winner on the night and the Frenchman’s booking means they will not lock horns in the second leg next week… One commentator even had the temerity to suggest that his foul may not have been entirely accidental but I think too much of Patrick Vieira to entertain such madness. The second half was more exciting than the first, as rather than sit on our lead, the Gunners charged ahead. Penetration from Eboue and Flamini was brilliant and the harder The Arsenal pressed, the faster Juve unravelled… they ended with nine men after Mauro Camoranesi and Jonathan Zebina were sent off in the final minutes but by that time the game was won.

Though the night was Arsenal’s, it’s only "half-time," so I’ll save the breadth of my thoughts and opinions for the completion of the Turin leg. We head to Italy with an utterly deserved 2-0 lead. As a result of the bookings, Juve will be missing three players (Vieira included) but the Old Lady has the tools to turn things around. It’s not over yet.

Arsenal 2

Fabregas 40, Henry 69

 

The “University of Indiana?” Hires Sampson

I was listening to ESPNNews (listening to the radio does not violate my boycott since neither Stuart Scott, Steven A. Smith, or anyone associated with Around the Horn/Cold Pizza can be found there) earlier when they broke into Billy Donovan’s press conference with the lights and sirens about breaking news out of Bloomington, Indiana. The anchor very eagerly let it be known that Kelvin Sampson, current coach of the Oklahoma Sooners, would be replacing Mike Davis at the "University of Indiana." And this wasn’t some slip-up – the anchor referred to the school as such more than once. But the thing that’s amazing to me is that this screw-up isn’t limited to the fuckwits at ESPN.. I was watching a Steelers game sometime last fall and while praising Antwan Randle El, Jim Nantz reported that he was a starting quarterback at, you guessed it, the University of Indiana. Now, I want to make something clear — I don’t like IU. It has nothing to do with their sports and everything to do with their whining, hilljack fans; my feelings for them have only intensified since landing in this weather vortex state for college, so don’t misunderstand that I’m trying to defend their honor or something. It just baffles me that the last 10 years notwithstanding, Indiana and her three National Championships have been one of the elites of college basketball.. but somehow these anchors, these professional commenters on sport, still can’t get it right? There’s a reason the school is called IU and not UI and I imagine it has something to do with the proper order of the words. I don’t mean to freak out about something so trivial but shouldn’t sportscasters have enough respect for the institutions they report on to at least get their names right? Especially when the school is as well known as IU? It’s not like they’re having trouble figuring out if a university pronounces its name Mon-muth or Mon-mouth. Come on.

In any case, unless you’re a delusional Hoosier fan who really believed Pitino or Calipari would consider leaving their current posts for Bloomington, this seems like a reasonable hire. It’s not great and the Hoosiers didn’t get homegrown boys like Randy Wittman or Steve Alford, but I don’t see how this move isn’t a step up from Mike Davis. Though NCAA sanctions over recruiting are about to drop in Norman and Sampson’s has graduation rates are close to the Bob Huggins’ Line, the guy’s not a bad coach. He took Oklahoma to 11 NCAA tournament appearances - with a final four and a number of Elite 8 and Sweet 16 showings – and won the Big12 a couple times that I can recall. Having said that, I find it ironic and quite amusing that Mike Davis, in his first year as head coach, smoked Kelvin Sampson’s best OU squad in the 2002 Final Four… it’s gotta be a short list of men that Mike Davis has managed to outcoach in his time at the helm and the IU administration has managed to hire one of the few individuals whose name sits on that 3×3 inch Post-it note.

USC Football Has Found Its Paper Trojan

Well kids, I was planning to treat you with my Monday update for SportsbyBrooks but things have yet to update over there, so I guess I’ll just fill you in on what’s supposed to be going on

I’ll be back later.. after some food and a nap. Cheers!

*UPDATE – SbB has been updated so check it out.*

JJ Redick’s Last Game

If random upsets in the first two rounds were a roadblock in my drive for victory in various NCAA brackets this month, Duke’s loss to LSU has just taken my hopes, crumpled them up, and set them on fire. I’m done. I’m fecking toast. All I’m hoping for now are respectable rankings when the final points are tallied, so I can say, “Well … well… at least I didn’t have Tennessee in the Final Four!” 

But even though I foolishly believed the Blue Devils could get past a team that knew how to play defense, this didn’t stop me from making smart ass predictions on SportsbyBrooks — a prediction that turned out to be completely spot on because it was so damn obvious that something like this was about to happen (this won’t stop my gloating, however). Though it’s true that I wouldn’t be highlighting this blurb if Duke had come out on top, isn’t it good that I’m openly admitting it?

In my Tuesday update on SportsbyBrooks, I did a blurb on an article about JJ Redick and his post-game “gift” to two Duke fans after the Blue Devils’ 2nd round win over George Washington…

Duke’s J.J. Redick exited the coliseum Sunday with his winning game shoes in hand but he celebrated Duke’s win by throwing them into a crowd of fans.

Travis Steele caught one of the shoes, “I snagged that bad boy. This is a prized possession. I’ve been a Duke fan for 20 years. Got my son pulling for them. This is special. Of all the Duke things we’ve got at the house, this is number 1. It was sweet … I’m about at a loss for words.”

Steele doesn’t know just how much these shoes are worth. Redick has averaged 20 points per game over his career but just 12.6 in the sweet 16 and beyond. With a 2-3 record in those situations it is very likely Travis Steele now owns the last right shoe J.J. wore in a collegiate victory.

The wonder that is my omniscience makes me quiver.

Technical Difficulties

I don’t know what happened but some time in the last 8 hours, all archive, individual, and category pages started showing up blank.

Since this particular door has already been opened by one Patrick Houlihan, I may as well add technology to the ‘you fucked me and now I hate you’ list… I’ll try to get this squared away as quickly as possible but for the time being, only the posts on the front page (but not comments) will be available.

In the meantime, check out my update for SportsbyBrooks.. Things to be found today are:

I’m due for an update on Monday, so if any of you spot anything I can use between now and Sunday night, please email it to me.

Aaron Brooks Is a Raider… :-(

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March Madness Melancholy

I’m depressed and I blame March Madness. Basketball is probably my fourth favorite sport after soccer, football, and baseball, which means, it’s on my radar when big games crop up and championship time rolls around. But as the tournament approaches, I start living and breathing baskeball. And since I’m an neurotic tool, I study and research, wasting hours of life on box scores, articles, team pages, stat sheets, and pictures (I don’t know why pictures, actually). At the completion of these fruitless efforts, I fill out my brackets, run my mouth, put some money on the line, and brace myself… oh, and maybe drink to ease the nerves. On the big day, I park myself in front of the tv and it begins. Thanks to CBS and CSTV, not a moment is missed and I suck in basketball like crack from the pipe from Thursday at 1230 until Sunday around 10. All was well.

Monday without men’s basketball went by fine. I had Jack Bauer and the WBC to satiate my thirst for action. But on Tuesday, I awoke with a frown. I’d seen a NCAA Women’s tournament broadcast before I went to bed and Kara Lawson, former Tennessee bulldog Volunteer was getting intense about something that probably wasn’t too serious. Who knows, she was probably joking but her face has one expression and that’s "whatchu lookin at?!" I think she bit me in my dream (a sign?). So it goes that around 8 last night, I set in to enjoy an athletic event… I didn’t know what I’d be watching but I knew something would be on. Sadly, all I found was women’s basketball – the last refuge for girls who want to be athletes but aren’t agile, flexible, or fast enough to hack it anywhere else.. And the crap was everywhere! ESPN, ESPN2, even the local WB. I would’ve preferred to suffer through 3 hours of Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith with Around the Horn airing during the commercial breaks. Watching the tournament when the final four comes around is something I can handle since the possibility of 10 athletes showing up on the court at one time is a realistic one. But not this. Not these second round shenanigans where a girl getting fouled on a drive to the hoop looks like a slo-mo video with crash test dummies. But enough on that. What I actually want to know is what jerk is sitting in an office saying, "Scheduling? Well, how about we follow up the greatest weekend in American amateur sports with women’s basketball. That’ll keep the fires burning in the hearts of Joe and Jane Sports Fan!" No, corporate suit! It does not keep my fire burning! It is ruining my spirit! I want to enjoy my experience and I don’t appreciate getting all manic over 32 games of basketball only to be slapped in the face by 3 days of the great shooter with an ugly stroke that wouldn’t know true agility if it goosed her; the tall, semi-mobile forward that uses her elbows to free up space for her 4-foot banked shots; and the girl that’s slow as molasses but has a great body for collecting ticky tack fouls and turning the ball over. That is not okay with me! That makes me sad! You know what I want? I want March Madness to last one week. From Monday to Monday, it’s all ball all the time. Monday & Tuesday - first round, Wednesday & Thursday - 2nd round, Friday – Sweet 16, Saturday – Elite 8, Sunday – Final Four, and Monday (evening – so I can sober up) – the NCAA Championship Game. THAT would be true March Madness and THAT would prevent me from having catostrophic dives into depression… this three week wanker schedule with mind-numbing women’s basketball filling the weekday voids isn’t hackin it. Somebody needs to get on the case.

John Kruk: The Yankees Will Win 130 Games

Kruk also predicted that Robinson Cano, with his 522 ABs and .297 BA, will be one of the greatest Yankees of all time. If only I could believe this. You can find my thoughts and smart ass opinions for the day on SportsbyBrooks:

Tiki Barber… shill for Fox News

Hmm.. those just don’t sound as exciting when I list them like that. Well, since there’s nothing to lose, check out my stuff anyway… there are boobs there… I swear it.

At Least My Final Four Is Intact

Since Thursday, I have thrown my hands to my head and screamed “OHHHHHHHH!” (while watching basketball) around 35 times. Problem was, 20 or so of those oh-face moments ended in emotions ranging from rage to sadness to absolute confusion, as pick after pick after bloody pick down in flames. But somehow, through all this losing, all my final four teams in all my brackets remain, so maybe, just maybe, things could work out for the best. For the picks of mine that have hung in so far, thank you so very much… my ego really appreciates all your hard work, effort, and all other applicable cliches. You walking the walk, is helping me back up my talk. Good form! But for the rest of you…
You Fucked Me & Now I Hate You!
- Iowa… it’s not even like I thought you were any good. But you strokers won one of the two toughest conference tournaments in the country. Having said that, shame on me for picking you to win a couple rounds. I should’ve known better since your coach has one won NCAA tournament game in his tenure at your bogus university.
- Kansas… I’m never picking you again… at least, not until Bill Self is coaching elsewhere.
- Michigan State… I actually hated you already; fuck off.
- Arkansas… I wasn’t really against you until now. In fact, a story about your chumpy little school tugged at my heartstrings when I watched an ESPN Classic special on your National Championship team from the 60s, back in the days when Jerry Jones’ face wasn’t completely composed of botox and plastic.
- Tennessee… I should’ve known when two of your criminals were arrested on crack charges that the future looked bleak. I wonder how Bruce Pearl’s outfits looked under the influence of the rock.. must’ve been trippy.
I hope all of the campuses that house these schools catch fire in riotous activities and burn to the ground. For screwing me over, that’s AT LEAST what they deserve. Lucky for me, the ineptitude of these teams and their coaches hasn’t completely ruined my March Madness experience. I’m tied for second in one bracket, third in another, and I’m leading the “free” fun happening at the office. However, these small victories don’t make up for the fact that I’m tied for 47th place in my own goddamn league at ESPN – what kind of hostess am I?! I got this message today: “Thanks for inviting me… to kick your ass!!”
The time is coming… There will be a reckoning.