There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Poncho & Lefty - An Uncensored Review

Before I start this review proper, have a little background -- I was contacted by a chick from M80, a "grassroots marketing firm" (I don't know what that means) that is promoting the uncensored dvd of Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson. Apparently, they spotted a link to my recap of the original airing on Gorilla Mask and asked if I'd write a review of the uncensored version in exchange for a free copy of the dvd. You know how I am about free, so here's my unbiased review... [most of it will sound a little familiar].

I'm not a Pamela Anderson fan. Don't get me wrong - I think she's gorgeous and I certainly understand how one gets rubbed off in her honor every 4.2 seconds but until I saw Comedy Central's airing of the Pam Anderson Roast, I couldn't figure how any of that made good roast fodder. Though I can never get enough of NYC comics shitting on people, after 15 minutes of sex tape jokes, I was sure they'd run out of material. I was right but somehow, they made it work for the most of the show, and when they didn't, Courtney Love stepped in to remind us that she's still a crazy crack whore. My only complaint was that a lot of the jokes were edited out - I don't mean obvious words like fuck, pussy, and cunt, but whole jokes like Sarah Silverman saying, "You know your co-star Elon Gold? His best friend is Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, their noses went to Hebrew school together." What... Was that too much? In addition, performances from roasters Lady Bunny and Eddie Griffin were completely missing. Comedy Central came back from a commercial break, said "here's who you missed," and called it a day. It's not that I'm all that interested in seeing Pamela Manderson and Undercover Brother have a say but when someone bothers to credit them and goes further to hype them as performers, I expect to see their work... You know me with those pesky principles and all. So it's only fitting that the most glaring omission from the uncensored DVD was a complete lack of these two roasters. You're treated to a curtain graphic and then 90 seconds of roasters who, I can only assume, had original jokes and didn't need to be seen. First was Elon Gold who said that he pitched a show idea to the Stacked producers that involved a misunderstanding that ended with him cumming on Pam's tits. Next comes Lady Bunny, a jokeless 30 seconds capped off by Courtney Love flashing her bidness. Last but not least was Eddie Griffin - he talked about PETA and made the obligatory black man loves fried chicken joke. Yawn. So okay, maybe it's fitting that these guys got left out, but I hope the suspicious, conspiracy types amongst you are wondering if maybe the Comedy Central folks simply don't think it's okay for a black guy and a transvestite to bust on the fantasy of every man in America.

In any case, I was disappointed to find that if you've ever caught the Roast on Comedy Central's Secret Stash after 1 am, all this dvd is offering is a few extra jokes and some bonus menu items. You get red carpet interviews with Charo (she did the cuchi stuff while her son watched), Dennis Rodman, Anna Nicole Smith, and the roasters; pre-Roast rehearsal and good times backstage; and previews of other Comedy Central films... in total, the bonus features last about 15 minutes.

Old Moments & new quotes:

• Pam Anderson refers to her tits as Poncho and Lefty. Simply excellent. 
• Tommy Lee sang with his "band" and sounded like a throwaway rock group from 1998, but when the camera panned to Pam Anderson, she looked like she was 3 seconds from throwing her moist panties on stage... but this assumes she was wearing panties.
• Nick diPaolo
• "Pam's the perfect physical specimen, with that silky skin, blonde hair, those pouty pink lips...and that's just her snatch"
• Courtney Love
• "Pam's a girl you wanna fuck and tell all your friends about. I'm the girl you wanna fuck and won't tell your friends about it... but then you go see the doctor."
• "How do you take that [Tommy Lee's cock] with that Barbie Pussy?" And she makes a great point!  I remember watching the Tommy Lee-Pam Anderson sex video before the original airing and being afraid that it would emerge from my laptop screen in some virtual 3D moment and slap me around. 
• To Eddie Griffin: "You African-Americans only know about me because I've been to jail."
• To Tommy Lee: "Hi Tommy Lee you goddamn professional!.... I'm not supposed to mention we fucked, right?"
• Bea Arthur discusses the mechanics of "pitcher and catcher" and reach arounds while reading from Anderson's latest "novel." She also drops the f-bomb, which was somehow more traumatic than when Betty White did it in Lake Placid. Bea Arthur, pitcher & catcher, reach arounds... how's that image treatin ya?
• "I remember the first time i saw Tommy's penis. I was speechless until my throat healed." - Pamela Anderson, near the Roast's conclusion.

No topic, audience member, or fellow roaster was off-limits (they even got Anna Nicole Smith in the audience with "someone find a 90-year-old dick for her to suck on"), which is how it should be, but within a minute of its beginnings, the Pam Anderson Roast became the trashiest, most viciously crass roast I've ever seen and I loved (nearly) every minute of it. Comedy Central has aired its uncensored version about 42,000 times, and for that reason, I don't know if I can recommend this dvd to you. Sure, you'll get to hear someone say cunt a few more times and there are the 15 minutes of bonus features, but unless you're the kinda guy (or girl, I suppose) that needs 90 minutes of Pam (and not even naked Pam) on command, this may not be worth the $19.99. But if you are that type of individual, buy this dvd. It's just right for you.

Posted at March 13, 2006 2:46 AM

Comments (16): Poncho & Lefty - An Uncensored Review

Cody Kaster	March 13, 2006 9:24 AM
	So the whole point of the dvd is really the bonus stuff that's not even long enough to be worth it?

Koester	March 13, 2006 12:24 PM
	My roommate bought a copy and I think he's just usin it to beat off. Every time i catch him watching it, the shit is on mute.

the pen	March 13, 2006 6:43 PM
	Awesome. Good to see you didn't sell your soul for 19.99 worth of free stuff!

Javy	March 14, 2006 2:02 AM
	I loved every second of the roast except for the part with Andy DIck. WTF was that shit? After about 2 minutes, I was just feeling embarrassed for him.

Unholy Moses	March 14, 2006 11:22 AM
	Am I the only heterosexual man in America who thinks that Anderson is a butt-ugly skank? Seriously ... I wouldn't fuck her with Condi Rice's dick.

Silver	March 14, 2006 11:43 AM
	Ten years ago (before she wore enough makeup for tranny duty), I think she was a goddess. But ever since Tommy Lee beat on her with his dick and then she got with Kid Rock, she just looks like trash.

Rocky	March 14, 2006 3:12 PM
	oh come on man! Day to day, okay, she looks kinda shitty with all her makeup and her tits fallin out of her shirts but in her pictures she's a goddess.

David Foster	March 14, 2006 3:32 PM
	no I'm with you Moses. She used to be like a trashy cute like that chick from My Name is Earl but now she's just looks old, skanky and used.

Adam Castro	March 14, 2006 5:31 PM
	yeah but there's a difference moses. I'd fuck the shit out of this pam: and this one: But i'd probably take off and run from this one:

Jason Cunningham	March 14, 2006 9:08 PM
	That third picture just gave me chills. Jesus :(

Goldie	March 14, 2006 11:42 PM
	So at what point between the first two pictures and the last one did she start lookin like a glazed over crack ho?

Matt	March 15, 2006 1:59 AM
	It's called makeup, Goldie :)

Patrick	March 15, 2006 8:27 AM
	I decided not to click on the third picture link, so I wanna preserve the fantasy. Outside of her pictures though (well outside of some of em), she looks like disgusting trash.

Unholy Moses	March 15, 2006 10:52 AM
	Adam-- My guess is that the last picture is more representative of how she looks most of the time. Damn near anyone can look good with enough makeup and the right lighting. It's the rest of the time that matters. Besides, that whole hepatitis thing is kind of a turn off as well.

Mickey Winans	March 15, 2006 3:47 PM
	90% of these female celebrities look like shit without their makeup, airbrushing, and digital fixes. The fact that Pam Anderson is an ugly bag of trash comes as no surprise to me. She's probably not even on crack. It looks like she had a long night and her makeup melted off.. we're just seeing the monster that's hiding underneath.

Silver	March 16, 2006 7:45 PM
	It amazes me that a woman whose had THAT much dick ends up with Hepatitis C and not Hepatitis B.