Dirk Nowitzki & There's Something About Mary
Sometime during the Great Depression my great-grandparents shelled out a few kids, eventually calling it a day after tyke #4. Well, my great-grandfather was, and still remains, a frisky cat and wound up in the same bed as my great-grandma's younger sister. She got pregnant, which resulted in the Jerry Springer situation that is my Great Uncle/2nd Cousin Sean. He prefers to be called Uncle Sean but only he believes this. Anyway, my great-grandmother got pregnant with child #5 as some type of weird revenge... though I've never understood her logic on that one since she's the one that went through all the pain and annoyance of pregnancy and labor, I can only assume she wasn't thinking clearly. In any case, 50-odd years of familial awkwardness ensued and now, finally, my grand aunt has passed. She shuffled loose last Wednesday, about a minute after Jens Lehmann was sent off during the 18th minute of Arsenal's losing effort to Barcalona FC... I like to think that his bonehead move did her in but according to her nurse (who was watching the match so how could she really know), she heard that eerie death rattle start up at least a 20 minutes earlier. Anyway, we're leaving for Israel tomorrow to bury her... In an odd twist, my great-grandfather is giving the eulogy for no other reason than to stick it to my great-grandmother just for kicks. In any case, on to a few bits and pieces...  Do Dirk Nowitzki's teefuses remind anyone of Matt Dillon's capped job as Pat Healy in "There's Something About Mary" or is it just me?- The World Cup tv schedule has been released. Even if you don't like soccer, jump on the bandwagon and use the U.S. vs. Czech Republic match on June 12 as an excuse to take a 4-hour lunch.
- In other World Cup news, health experts are giving warnings that cardiac arrests, wife-beating, binge drinking, smoking, and suicide surge during the world's most-watched sporting contest. During the '98 World Cup, the number of heart attacks in Britain rose by 25% when England lost to Argentina in a penalty shootout. According to a study in the British Medical Journal - compared with admissions for the same day in previous years - 55 more people were treated for a heart stoppage. It seems that depression, violence, and self-harm are also well-known outcomes of football matches and they peak during World Cups... maybe I've finally found a valid excuse to do all the nasty things that I've been dreaming about these many years...
- Some guy went nuts on an airline the other day and was restrained by none other than Dr. 90210 himself (I don't know who this guy is but the article seems to indicate that he's tres cool). The crazy hopped out of his seat in coach and marched into first class about 15 minutes before the flight was going to land. The passengers watched the madness unfold for quite some time but when the hostile pushed a stewardess, Dr. 90210 sprung to action. "When you get a black belt, at that stage your brain just clicks into action. I restrained this gentleman in a very aggressive way without hurting him." Very impressive. Too bad he used his kah-rah-tay to take down a "very frail" 80 year old man whose only weapons were probably a bottle of Metamucil and a pair of Depends. Someone needs their brain to click into action and kick Dr. 90210 in the teeth. Stupid bastard.
Posted at May 23, 2006 2:45 PM
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Comments (11): Dirk Nowitzki & There's Something About Mary
David Foster
May 23, 2006 3:42 PM
Hmmm. I can kinda see the resemblance. You need a pic of Nowitzki head on!
busterbros
May 23, 2006 9:42 PM
I think it's just you.
Anthony
May 23, 2006 9:43 PM
The problem with this is that you're already doing all the nasty things you dream about. You can't start using the World Cup as an excuse NOW :)
Sorry about your aunt also. Have a safe trip!
monkey
May 23, 2006 10:35 PM
that Dr 90210 guy is a twat. his only contribution to mankind is making really big nice boobs. i guess that redeems his twatness.
A.J.
May 24, 2006 12:00 AM
haha I've noticed Nowitzki's horseteeth too but I always thought he was wearing a mouthpiece. But I looked him up and every picture he's in, he's got Pat Healy goin on
Julius
May 24, 2006 1:39 AM
Ahhh, so your great-grandfather is where you get it!
Silver
May 24, 2006 8:39 AM
That's a pretty dick move on your great gramps part but at the same time, I have to admire the set of balls it's gotta take to do it :)
Brendan
May 24, 2006 3:30 PM
Nowitzki: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Nowitzki: I work with retards.
Yeah.. that can work :)
Amateur
May 24, 2006 10:08 PM
That is a great story about your great-grandparents ... at some point I am going to start thinking that you are making this shit up, though.
Shiloh
May 25, 2006 4:10 AM
Natalie calls him Uncle Sean but she's the only one; he's been a right creep this week.
braylon
May 26, 2006 8:41 PM
dont give her ideas julius. she'll be usin that shit as an excuse next. "i couldnt help it. im genetically predisposed."