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David Blaine To Visit Baloo, Shere Khan, & King Louie[Be forewarned. I'm starting out with a huge tangent. If you want to skip it, proceed to asterisk] Sophomore year, a girl was moved into our room (we were in a triple) after struggles with her previous roommate. We figured she got kicked out for being a proselytizing atheist but since my roommate and I were Catholic and Jewish, respectively, that conclusion didn't add up. In any case, we found Andrea to be a nice enough girl. Sure, she sexed up a 48-year-old father of 3 on AIM until 3 am each night [she showed us a picture of him once and he looked like Lips Manless from Dick Tracy with a buzzcut] and had an abnormal obsession with David Blaine [wore DB t-shirts at least twice a week] but she wasn't all bad. At least, her boyfriend didn't think so.
My roommate and I looked at each other and got the hell out of there. This was before the South Park episode about Blaintology, so we couldn't even mock her... we could only run away. * David Blaine can eat a dick. Though my feelings are irrationally rooted in my hatred for the above-mentioned deranged girl, I'll admit that early on, I liked him. He's hot and the levitating and street magic were pretty cool... or as cool as magic can be. But then the arrogant bastard stopped doing tricks and got on with lame endurance stunts. I'm not saying the guy has to be impregnating chicks without having sex like David Copperfield but at least wow me with an illusion or two. Trick me, David! Mislead me! Lead me down the primrose path! Don't just sit in a tank for a week (what was the point of that??!) and then promise that you'll hold your breath for 9 minutes or die and NOT FOLLOW UP!! I refuse that! What's even worse about this madness is in the time that it's taken Blaine's dick to transition from raisin to shriveled up movie theater hotdog, he's come up with his next Lack of Trickery Stunt:
Get the fuck outta here, David Blaine! You're not Mowgli and Baloo won't be out there caring for your ass. Besides, I think Jane Goodall and Dian Fossey (AND her gorillas in the mist) would agree that this shit is old hat. I've got a magic trick for you - why don't you send yourself to Hell, contact ABC from the 5th circle, and arrange for them to televise your return. Stu Scott can write a free verse poem about your brilliant emergence from the fire and if you don't come back, we'll assume the trickery failed.  Posted at May 16, 2006 5:07 AM Permalink • Filed under: Personal , Shallow Observations |
His name was Abel and if there was ever the human embodiment of Pigpen from the Peanuts strip, it was him. He smelled like cat litter, cigarrettes, and funky balls and ass, a nauseating aroma made worse by his wool wardrobe and living conditions. Side note -- if you weren't on a full ride athletic scholarship like myself or privy to various grants and funding like my roomie, tuition cost the average student about $40,000 per year. This wasn't a huge problem since most kids came from money but the ones that didn't had loans and part-time jobs. But while Abel didn't come from a well-monied background, he had neither a scholarship nor a job to make up for it. How he was getting by is anyone's guess but unlike 99% of undergrads, he chose to live off campus in a $400/month one room shithole with three cats. His wardrobe consisted of 2 pair wool pants, a few t-shirts, and a wool Union Army uniform jacket (he was in a group that re-enacted Civil War battles on the weekends). And since he couldn't afford detergent, the wool absorbed between 6-8 days of funk before he rinsed it out in OUR sink with hand soap. My roommate and I couldn't understand why Andrea didn't do his laundry for him or buy him more clothes but never had the guts to ask... our only request was that they not have sex in our room, as his stink would linger for longer than the typical 2 hours. Sometime around spring midterms, things came to a head. Not only did they violate the sex rule, Abel left his clothes behind for Andrea to hand wash. Trouble was, she forgot and they rotted in our closed-up room ALL afternoon. After dinner, we had an intervention. "Look, we can't live like this. If Abel wants to come back, he has to agree to start bathing and washing and wearing other fabrics than wool." My roomie chimed in, "Yeah and this is fuckin up my asthma!" "Yeah, it's fuckin up her asthma!! If he can't afford it, we'll help him out. Something's gotta give here! He smells worse than B.O. and it sticks to everything it touches like it's alive!" Andrea thought it over and then dropped these bombs on us:
Comments (10): David Blaine To Visit Baloo, Shere Khan, & King Louie
David Foster
May 16, 2006 8:23 AM
Looks like you're feeling better :)
David Blaine thinks he's Houdini but even Houdini had actual tricks, illusions, whatever to his crazy stunts. Blaine is just trying to see how far he can go without killing himself.
Julius
May 16, 2006 10:25 AM
Hahaha, hilarious. I had theology with that crazy bitch. She was talkin about David Blaine in there too and pissing everybody off.
t. durden
May 16, 2006 10:47 AM
Yes, living in NYC I had to deal with this less than newsworthy spectacle buzzing around my head. On the Monday night he was to that hold-my-breath deal, the networks gave us a tough choice. 24 on Fox or (anti-climax) Blaine on ABC. Hmmm, what to do, what to do. Found out next morning that I made a good choice watching Jack Bauer. I think the phrase we're looking for is "overhyped hack".
Keep laying it on, Flash.
Anderson
May 16, 2006 2:29 PM
There was no way I was missing 24 for this joker's bullshit. Is the 2 hour finale next Monday? If so, when's Prison Break??!
JJ
May 16, 2006 2:51 PM
"Don't sit in a tank for a week and then promise that you'll hold your breath for 9 minutes or die and NOT FOLLOW UP!!"
I'm so glad you brought that up. The whole show was based on the premise that he'd either break the record or die. He did neither. I want my two hours back!
Ev
May 16, 2006 3:16 PM
Have you ever seen the titles for his retarded stunts?
They're so absolutely pretentious.
Drowned Alive? Motherfucker, somebody better DIE when I see that shit.
Zoogs
May 16, 2006 3:38 PM
Um, you guys totally missing the point of the Daivd Blaine special. See there was actually magic involved...The magic was turning 9 mins, or in DB's case 7 plus mins, into two f-ing hours of television and actually getting people to sit on their arses and watch.
Now if that ain't magic, I don't know what else is.
Patton
May 16, 2006 6:32 PM
EXACTLY!! He said he'd break the record or die and he didn't do either one. Now he's trying to say that in the NEXT stunt, he'll complete it or die. This will never end.
Joel
May 16, 2006 11:50 PM
I just wanted to pop in and say that "eat a dick" is not used NEARLY enough!
Koester
May 17, 2006 8:24 AM
Maybe he'll show the gorillas a card trick or hide their bananas in a different tree before they eat his ass on live tv.