There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

So I Guess Rafael Nadal Isn't Gay Afterall!

Rafael Nadal was on choke artist duty Saturday but unfortunately for opponent and French hope Paul-Henri Mathieu, it wasn't fatigue or a lack of mental toughness that affected the defending French Open champion.

It was a piece of banana. 

"I took a little bit of a banana. It slipped through the mouth sideways. I don't know what happened but it suddenly stayed stuck halfway through," a bemused Nadal said pointing to his neck.

Serving for the third set at 5-4 and 15-all, the Spaniard ran off the court and motioned to the umpire for the trainer. The move drew loud whistles and jeers from the largely French crowd, as they believed he ran off the court in a dodgy attempt to slow his opponent's momentum. But appearances were the least of Nadal's concerns, as he was not about to let a piece of fruit scupper his quest to chalk up a 56th consecutive victory on clay.

"It's not that I couldn't breathe but I did feel a very strange sensation."

Welcome to the world of deep throating, Raffy. It's a crazy feeling when you can still breathe but know that something just ain't right. Soon enough, you're in a panic and all your fine work has gone to pot. I've been there, mate, and no matter what the French are saying about you right now, I commend you for taking swift action.

I'll be honest, when you stroked and slid your way to a fascinating victory over Mariano Puerta last year, I assumed you knew what you were doing when it came to topics like this. Can you blame me? You and your flowing Vidal Sassoon locks looked like you were on your way to a clambake; by the time you hoisted the Coupe des Mousquetaires, I could practically smell the penis on your breath. So please forgive my surprise at your troubles but rest assured, this banana problem is nothing a little practice can't fix:

A banana can be eaten quickly when biting off 2 or 3 inches at a time but I have a strong feeling that you're not a nibbler. In fact, you're a man on the go who goes big or goes home, but being that type of bloke doesn't mean you have to put yourself in danger! 

The average length of your oral cavity is between 3 and 3.5 inches while the average length of a ripe banana is beween 6 and 6.5 inches. For those following along at home, that's twice the size.

In a situation like this, your biggest obstacle to taking all of the banana at once is the nearly 90 degree bend behind your tongue that leads down into your throat. As a result, you'll need to consider the angle that you're holding the banana to make sure it agrees with the natural downward angle of your throat. No shoving in sideways when taking big bites - that just won't do. Once the banana is in, relax your jaw and throat muscles as much as possible. If it's a struggle, try yawning.. it helps things along. After that, all you need do is swallow. The banana will slide right down, enabling you to get back on the court within the 90 seconds allotted for changeovers.

In all seriousness, Nadal was up 5-4 and needed to win the game to take a 2-1 set lead; taking a break in the middle of what is arguably the most crucial game of the match was a dick move. I don't doubt that the Mallorcan had a piece of banana lodged in his throat -- it's too ridiculous a thing for a person to make up. But Nadal freely admits to taking the medical timeout for no other reason than his failing concentration and fear that he'd lost momentum. He wasn't choking nor was he struggling to breathe. He was simply inconvenienced. And when his opponent started picking up steam, Nadal pussed out and called the trainer for a momentum-stopping 3 minute medical timeout. 

Though his actions were within the rules, they were bush league and I (unrealistically) hope his flamey pirate ass gets smoked by Lleyton Hewitt in the quarterfinals tomorrow.

Posted at June 4, 2006 6:47 AM

Comments (7): So I Guess Rafael Nadal Isn't Gay Afterall!

patrick houlihan	June 4, 2006 12:23 PM
	haha do me a favor flashers and give that "banana" lesson to my girlfriend.

Taborga	June 4, 2006 2:16 PM
	I guess we know how he's gonna react from now on when the wood is gettin put to him. The match swung on that game. It was a legal move, you're right, so I guess you have to give Nadal credit for winning the gamesmanship war.

PG	June 4, 2006 5:17 PM
	You could smell the penis on his breath? lol So wrong but so appropriate.

Katy	June 4, 2006 8:05 PM
	why don't you give your poor girlfriend a break, Houlihan. She suffers enough. I don't watch enough tennis. I usually watch the last couple matches of all the slams and that's about it. What makes Nadal so lethal on clay? Why can't anybody beat him unless a banana makes a threat? It LOOKS like he doesn't do anything differently than anybody else.

Freeney

June 5, 2006 12:06 PM

Clay neutralizes big power hitters like Sampras was and Federer is. You can't really hit winners unless you're busting the shit out of the ball and even then, it's tough. Clay court players use a ton of topspin on their balls, which gives them time to recover from nearly any position. And they're the types of guys that are patient and really grind it out. They're in great shape and will be out there hitting all day long just waiting for their opponent to make the error. That makes a guy like Nadal really, really tough to beat.

Hadrian	June 5, 2006 2:15 PM
	http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/tennis/french06/news/story?id=2470955 Unrealistic hope is right! It wasn't even close!

samolios	January 18, 2008 6:07 PM
	I heard that he was dating a guy in his home town of Manacor in Mallorca oh well either way he's a hottie

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