Who Wants to be a Chinese Olympian?

Oakland Raiders Sign Jeff George

Ya know… there’s only so much I can handle and signing Jeff George is really pushing me to the edge.

I know George wasn’t picked up to be the starter; he’s an insurance guy. After all, we are oh so blessed to have Aaron Brooks, a quarterback who may peak before the pre-season is over, and Andrew Walter, who will wait in the wings until he’s unceremoniously cut the way Marques Tuiasosopo is about to be.

But with this signing, the state of the Raiders went from depressing to completely surreal. 

Interested in keeping his own job, Art Shell backed the move, stating "I’ve always been intrigued by the guy… "He still has that zip, he still has that quick release and was very impressive."

In a way, I agree with him. It’s damn near impossible not to be intrigued when the original million dollar arm/10-cent head comes to town. And if you listen to George, he’s all-world and always has been, so it’s only a matter of time before he goes unnecessarily diva and starts butting heads.

"I’ve always been able to throw the ball, I’ve been blessed to throw the ball. And I think I’ll be able to do that till I’m 60," George said. "Football’s football, plays are the same, terminology’s a little bit different…"

Yeah, Jeff. And you’re still the same collossal dick. 

I cannot understand how Al Davis expects us to believe that this is the best insurance policy in the whole of the quarterbacking world. There isn’t someone in the whole quarterbacking world whose most recent achievement is better than coaching the run-and-shoot offense of his fourth grade son’s team? Or, at the very least, a guy not championed by Jason Whitlock?

I know Al is all about giving Raiders another chance but goddamn. If we’re going to sign some old balls quarterback, put a neck brace on Rich Gannon and see what he can do. Or better yet, drop a couple million to bring Flutie Magic to the Bay. You know that’d raise our potential for wins from 2 to 4.

What’s that you say? Even a guy from Backup College has his standards? Yeah… maybe you’re right.

Time for Mourinho to Bitch

The Champions League draw is out and it’s another laugher for Chelsea!

Unlike The Arsenal, ManUre, and Liverpool , who are in the VIP pot, poor, woe is Blues are in the second tier. As such, they can’t be drawn in the same group as a team from their own league, which made the odds against them facing Barcelona again 4-1. And wouldn’t ya know, it happened again – for the third straight year.

The two clubs, who meet in the Group of Death (A), first squared off two years ago and in the first leg, Mourinho accused Frank Rijkaard of visiting referee Anders Frisk’s dressing room at halftime.  The accusation was never proven and Mourinho served a touchline ban. The penalty notwithstanding, the Blues defeated Barca over two legs.

Things reached a fever pitch last year after Lionel Messi faked out the ref after a challenge by Asier del Horno that resulted in the Spaniard being sent off.  Playing with 10 men, Chelsea were no match for the Catalan giants and got smoked. Barca went on to win the Champions, defeated The Arsenal in the final. Werder Bremen and Levski Sofia are also in the group… could be tough times for the Bank of Chelsea.

If you listen closely, you can actually hear Jose Mourinho’s high-pitched, lispy whining about conspiracy from across the pond… he’s such a fucking vagina.

Anyway, ManUre and Celtic FC, both former winners, will meet for the first time in UEFA club competition in Group F, while Liverpool will see PSV Eindhoven and Bordeaux in Group C. Though Liverpool and Eindhoven are the favorites, Galatasary away could be a sticky issue.

Since this isn’t the FA or EPL, I’ll be full of support for United and Liverpool and wish best of luck to both… hopefully, United won’t flame out to some chumps before the knockout rounds this year and make English football look like shite.

As for The Arsenal, we join FC Porto, CSKA Mosco, and Hamburg in Group G in what could be a pretty tricky draw. We are the class of the group but there is no whipping boy to be found here. Porto is a dangerous but not the side they were under Mourinho. CSKA Moscow recently won the UEFA Cup and are generally a tough trip for the lads. But we’re playing them in November and will avoid the Russian winter. Hamburg shouldn’t be underestimated, as they fielded the toughest defense in the Bundesliga last year and finished 2nd to Bayern Munich. But the loss of Boulahrouz to Chelski and Van Buyten to Bayern is a pretty painful blow that they won’t overcome. Their only strikers are Van der Vaart and Kompany, and frankly, that’s not too scary.

All in all, I’m happy about our draw. It’s not the easiest, by any means, but it’s the most favorable of the English sides and if we show up and play to form, we’ll be fine. The only way it could have been better if we’d landed in Group H instead of cheating AC Milan… Aston Villa could have emerged from that group unscathed. What a joke.

Group A: Barcelona, Chelsea, Werder Bremen, Levski Sofia
Group B: Internazionale, Bayern Munich, Sporting Lisbon, Spartak Moscow
Group C: Liverpool, PSV Eindhoven, Bordeaux, Galatasaray
Group D: Valencia, Roma, Olympiakos, Shakhtar Donetsk
Group E: Real Madrid, Lyon, Steaua Bucharest, Dynamo Kiev
Group F: Manchester United, Celtic, Benfica, FC Copenhagen
Group G: Arsenal, Porto, CSKA Moscow, FC Hamburg
Group H: AC Milan, Lille, AEK Athens, Anderlecht

*I’ve been notified that commenting on this post is broken due to some random error. It will be fixed shortly. Thanks

** Problem fixed!

Contestant Takes Valuable Years Off Bob Barker’s Life

Has a dumber contestant ever appeared on the Price is Right? I submit that there has not. The video is long but well worth your time, as Bob Barker has never come closer to stroking out than he does in the final moments of this video… he was about 30 seconds away from joining Dick Clark.

Ya know… It’s things like this that reinforce my belief that there is no justice in this world.

Disgraced Athlete Challenge!

Justin Gatlin, the reigning 100-meter Olympic and world champion, received an 8-year ban from track yesterday, avoiding a lifetime penalty in exchange for his cooperation with doping authorities.
There are exceptions but most Olympic athletes, sprinters in particular, have a short window of time in which to dominate at a world class level, so I doubt we’ll ever see Gatlin run again. It’s being reported that the sentence could be reduced to 4 years if he helps out enough in doping investigations, but in the life of a sprinter, that’s still an eternity.
I’ve been a Gatlin fan since he burst onto the international scene in 2002 and when the news first broke that he was doping, I was in total disbelief. Like any schmuck who refuses to find fault in those I champion, I was all too eager to accept the claims that he’d been set up and that he never knowingly took or allowed anyone to give him testosterone. When people mentioned his previous suspension, I was quick to remind them that it was all a big misunderstanding, as amphetamines were in his ADD medication. Hell, the IAAF even agreed that the infraction was an accident and Gatlin became an ambassador for the anti-doping crusade.
But after reality set back in, I wised up. Fool me once, shame on you, ya know? I began resenting Gatlin for ruining the hero fantasy. How dare he have the audacity to wrong me, the fan?! It’s not right! It’s not fair! I’m a former sprinter and Olympic year or not, I’m following the races and keeping tabs on the competitors. Not many people can claim that level of devotion to a sport where a ball is not involved and I think it grants me the right to be entertained! I demand to be entertained!
If Justin Gatlin, Marion Jones, and the rest of these cheating gits can’t stay off PED’s, then the least they can do is pay me back for all my fanship (which includes buying the crap they endorse) by finding another way to make me happy… There are only two ways to do that and since I don’t think Mr. Gatlin will be knocking on my front door anytime soon to give me oral pleasure, it’s time for him to show up on tv and make me laugh. How will he do that?
Disgraced Athlete Challenge!
It’s a spin on my previous show idea, Survivor: America’s Worst Sporst Announcers. But since I’m cutting out a large amount of the death and destruction, I think this one has actual promise.
DAC will feature 10 individuals who were forced out of sports and/or the limelight due to their association with drugs – any drug will do but those with PED backgrounds will be featured players. Whether they were actually caught or not is irrelevant, as the key prerequisite here is that banned substances sent them or their families down a shame spiral.
As far as contestants go, we’ll round up the usual suspects — Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Marion Jones, Tim Montgomery, Justin Gatlin, Jeremy Giambi, Floyd Landis, Rafael Palmeiro, Ricky Williams, Jose Canseco, Chris “The Birdman” Andersen. The show will be hosted by Carl Lewis, who failed drug tests and escaped punishment. Lewis will open every show up with a song.
The contestants will compete in varying team and head-to-head athletic and gladiatorial challenges and anything is game! We’ll have typical challenges involving things like sprints and baseball and go-cart driving. But there will also be other events like hanging by their hands on a metal bar that sits over a pit in pouring rain or walking across a beam while angry fans throw balls and other approved objects at them. First to fall is off the show.
At the end of each episode, a player (assuming none die during competition) will be voted off by the audience and forced to give a legitimate apology, expressing remorse for nearly everything, maybe even being born if their crimes against the sporting humanity was strong enough. It’ll go something like this…

“Sorry for wasting your time, fans. Sorry for electrifying you with trickery, fans. Sorry for leading you down the primrose path. I’m a fraudulent cheating fuck and I’m shocked that my dumb ass got caught even though I knowingly doped up. I really thought I could get away with everything so long as I said ‘shocked’ and ‘never knowingly’ but it turns out I was wrong and now I need to pay the price. Did you lose faith in athletes? Did I destroy the ideal? Would you like to poke me in the arse with a cattle prod? That makes total sense and I understand. Here’s my address. Feel free to drop by. I won’t get indignant on you. Thank you for your time and consideration. I certainly don’t deserve it. Good bye, all. I’m now going to fuck off and die.” ~ Disgraced Athlete X

At the completion of the apology, the DA’s name will be completely erased from all records of their sport and banished to an island where he or she will be unable to influence the lives of others, whether it be through appearances on Oprah about finding their spirits and learning life lessons, writing memoirs, or any other activity where offended sports fans could catch wind of their continued existence. If they are caught out in public, fans have a right to assault them.
Hopefully, ESPN will get on board and replace Around the Horn with my gripping series. There would certainly be a boost in ratings, especially if Tony Reali, who has spent the last 3 years as a ringmaster at the monkey circus, participates as well. When he’s voted off the show, “Good bye, all. I lucked into my gig at ESPN and now I’m leaving to fuck off and die” will take the place of the DAC apology.

Nice Try, ESPN

I know it’s petty but, well, I’m a petty girl.

HT: Matt Geiger

We’re Broken!

Due to some random technical issues (site wasn’t updating even though I spent 12 hours publishing the same goddamn post again and again), I’m upgrading to the newest version of Movable Type. If things look a little jacked up around here for a while (more than usual, i mean) or disappear altogether, that’s why.

Thanks for being patient.

Theo Is Real (And the Draw)

And so the Premier League starts once again. This time of year used to be one of extreme stress for me… when I was 15, my mum sent me to the doctor for what she called my “August ailments.”
I suffered from migraines and severe stomach pain nearly every August and it got worse with each passing year. They ended up sending me to a therapist who determined that I was just a little too serious about Arsenal’s prospects and was, in fact, making myself ill with worry. I did all these relaxation techniques that accomplished nothing at all. As it turns out, I’m just keyed up about everything.
I don’t suffer from the August ailments these days, as I’ve found other ways to exorcise the demons, but I still get a little anxious. And Saturday morning was no different, as I tortured myself wondering how how well the lads would play, having transitioned from the narrow confines of Highbury to Emirates’ broad acres. Would we be match fit? Would we be sharp? Were we in mid-season form, I wouldn’t have given this match a second thought but this is a renewed Aston Villa – a team now managed by Martin O’Neill. His teams are always well organized and tough to break down. Given our collective match fitness, this could have been a disaster.
It almost was.
Despite an embarrassment of possession (including 18 corners to 1), Arsenal were only seven minutes from defeat in Premiership cherry popping at Emirates Stadium. You’d think that’d be a sign of bad play but in terms of constructive football, we blew Villa off the pitch with strong attacks, angled drives, and the typical speed, verve, and imagination. Trouble is, we couldn’t convert to save our lives, as our efforts were blunted time and again by the tireless protection from Villa’s back four.
It wasn’t until early in the second half that Villa mounted an attack worthy of the name and their lone goal eventually came on their only corner. In a moment of foolish arrogance, Jens Lehmann came out against Steven Davis but couldn’t reach the ball in time. Olof Melberg caught up with the inswinging corner and nodded the ball into the net, unguarded, in the 53rd minute. For the next 20 ticks, things were a little tense. But then came a revelation…
Theo Walcott!
The youngster, greeted by a standing ovation, immediately showed the promise that I was beginning to think Sven-Goran Eriksson had imagined. He settled wide on the left of a reshaped 4-3-3 and terrorised Villa with his touch, working one flank while Emmanuel Eboue relentlessly drove down the other. With time running out and Villa now double-marking him, Walcott took Aleksandr Hleb’s pass and chipped cleverly to the far post, where the ball skimmed off Jlloyd Samuel’s head on its way to the unmarked Gilberto Silva. At a sharp angle, the Brazilian volleyed it home with fierce delight.
Though this wasn’t the three points we would have wanted, I’ll take a draw. Considering our current state of match fitness and the fact that this was a season opener, it could have been a lot worse and we’ll be looking good in the coming weeks.
In other news, Cuntenham got thrashed by Bolton, which is high comedy. Fucking rotters.

I Remain Unconvinced, Steve McClaren!!

It’s been 47 days since the misery of Germany, 47 days since I vowed never again to be excited about English football, and 47 hours since a small, foolish part of me began to think, “Hey, maybe we’re not doomed after all.” But then I remembered 2001 when England, under the new management of Sven, smoked Spain 3-0. I then reviewed the 2nd half of play against Greece.
The small, foolish part of me that had a brief flash of hope crawled back into the abyss.
On Wednesday, McClaren’s lads ushered in a new era with a 4-0 thrashing of Greece. After dropping David Beckham and making a host of changes from the Sven-Goran Eriksson error, it was definitely a step in the right direction, at least, in the first half.
Big John Terry opened the scoring after 13 minutes, glancing a header past Greek goalkeeper Antonios Nikopolidis. The goal had more to do with Nikopolidis being awful than anything else. At the 29th minute, Frank Lampard lucked out to make it 2-0. And then twice before the half, Peter Crouch managed a brace… how he keeps doing this is beyond me. The guy is awful. Now, I know I’m not supposed to complain because he has 8 goals in 12 caps and that should be acceptable but the Liverpool striker is a damned disaster. Had he not been around, David Beckham (and now Steven Gerrard) wouldn’t have taken 80 pseudo dead ball kicks from the halfline in weak attempts to feed Crouch the ball.
On the plus side, the lads played with some zip and many of the elements missing from Sven’s teams like pace and energy were present through the first 45. But it must be noted that the reigning European Champions were absolute shite.. they were like a JV squad out there. It was almost baffling to see how bad they were. So while it’s great that England didn’t play to the level of the competition as has become typical in the last 6 years, there wasn’t much going on in the way of competition either.
That said, Greece’s inability to truly challenge the lads was of no concern, as McClaren stated the purpose of the match was to work not only on our level of intensity but the style of play as well. He encouraged an up and down tempo that called for quick pace, as well as quieter spells that allowed players to recover their strength. In the summer heat of the major tournaments, England have never been capable of recuperating in that manner… it would have been a brilliant call had it extended past the interval.
As far as the players go, the dropping of David Beckham proved somewhat beneficial this time around. Steven Gerrard was moved to the Beckham role on the right, which allowed for a complementary partnership of Owen Hargreaves and Frank Lampard to be established in the center. Who knew Gerrard and Lampard could be on the field at the same time without the abilities of both being completely destroyed? It’s a revelation, I tell ya!
But I guess that’s all I have to say here, as I’m depressing myself with this. There were some definite bright spots but Steve McClaren and our “new” England can’t be adequately evaluated until we play a team that does better than improve from shite to not so shite after the interval. There is a lot of work to be done and improvement made, so we’ll see how things progress.

100% Pure Woman Champ 2006

Michelle Dumaresq is a Canadian downhill mountain biking champion who won her third national title last month at Whistler, beating Danika Schroeter by a second. But when she took the podium with her fellow medal-winners, Dumaresq was humiliated, taunted, and mocked not only by people in the crowd but by Schroeter as well.
Schroeter’s boyfriend ran on the podium and gave her a shirt that said “100% Pure Woman Champ 2006.” Being the epitome of class, she wore it with pride.

When I first saw the picture, I didn’t see the cause for concern but this has more to do with my being a lazy boob than anything else [I didn't read the caption]. As a result, I went through a number of silly explanations before realizing that Schroeter wasn’t talking about being more feminine or sugar & spice or congenial.. she was talking about chromosomes. You see, Michelle Dumaresq is a transsexual.
Maybe I should’ve figured it out on the picture alone but, truth be told, I thought Dumaresq (middle) was just a big girl that was a bit unfortunate looking. My bad. To date, my biggest experience spotting trannies is watching Famke Jensen ruin everyone’s lives as Eva on the 2nd season of Nip/Tuck… I suppose that’s not the best place to gain experience.
In any case, Dumaresq complained (and rightfully so) to the Canadian Cycling Association about Schroeter’s actions at the podium.

“There was a bunch of people out in the audience who were obviously her friends, or her boyfriend’s friends, who were screaming really nasty comments while the general public was there,” she said. “They were very, very inappropriate comments which I felt were sick, really in poor taste.”

In response, the CCA threw down a three-month ban that prevents Schroeter from participating in the world championships. That’s a pretty big price to pay to act like a classless bitch.
I can fully understand being bitter and angry that a person who used to swing low burned you for a national title but you find other ways to protest. You don’t get up on a medal stand and grin like an idiot while wearing a boorish sign hastily created with a Sharpie by a person with little talent for block-lettering.
Danika Schroeter deserves to miss the world championships. A person this ignorant and braindead shouldn’t be permitted to represent sack of dirt, let alone an entire nation.
**Edit – I don’t agree with allowing transsexual athletes to compete. It’s patently unfair. But the topic itself is pretty interesting and there’s a lot more to it than I previously realized. When I began to write on it, this went from a regular post to a 10 page essay. As you can tell, I scrapped it because it hurts my brain to be serious, which means you’ll need to do some research on your own this time!
- Michelle Dumaresq
- IOC Medical Commission
- Transsexual Athletes
- Now THAT’s Amateur