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At the Spa, Massage Actually Means OrgasmSo I'm out shakin it last night when I'm approached by some clown in a striped polo shirt with a popped collar. He offered to buy me a drink and I accepted --not because I'm interested in jerks who look like the Banana Republic Avenger but because I like getting drunk for free. For the next three drinks, I spaced out while he yammered on and eventually made my way back to my group. For some reason, he followed. But after three drinks, I imagine he was expecting at least a number. My mistake. "You move free and easy." He said it four times, each utterance louder than the one before. "Is that because you got a Brazilian wax on Wednesday?" It was a bizarre question to ask.. but was made even more bizarre by the fact that I actually got one that afternoon. When I looked at him with a bit of puzzlement, he smirked, popped his collar extra, moved his hand to his mouth, and brought his index finger and thumb over his frat boy chin pubes. This annoyed me so much that I nearly forgot to be unnerved by his comments. "I work there. I saw you come in. I give (cue airquotes) 'massages to ladies.'" It took a second for this to register but the look on his face said it all... It seems that I've been getting my Brazilian done at some type of backwards handjob parlor for women. What vexed me is that this is a high-end place with ridiculous prices and a pretty affluent clientele... how could anything so tacky be happening? Further, how did I never clue in?! I mean, they always ask me if I want the massage package but why accept? I'm running through all of this in my head and kinda losing it when he says: "I looked at your client card and you're wax only! Why don't you get the massage?" I didn't go into the long mental rant that I'd just had and instead said that I don't pay for anything that my boyfriend would do for free. I thought the smart ass delivery and the mention of a boyfriend would pack the right punch. It didn't. "Well... I can give you a discount when he's out of town and maybe a freebie tonight?" He did the smirk and collar pop again. ... I immediately gathered our crew and left the club. Any place where Captain Fingers was hanging out was no place for us. So now I'm not only looking for a new Raiders jersey, but I'm also in search of a new place for my monthly Brazilian that does not offer digital insertion perks for an extra $50 per session. If you know a good spot (or if your girlfriend/wife does), let me know. I have about 30 days to figure it out.  Posted at August 6, 2006 2:22 PM Permalink • Filed under: Personal , Sex |
Comments (18): At the Spa, Massage Actually Means Orgasm
Koester
August 6, 2006 3:38 PM
Warner, you are such an evil woman! Using dudes for drinks and then taking off with your girls, so you can laugh at us being chumps. This kinda bullshit is why I don't buy girls drinks. it's always some con.
Erik
August 6, 2006 4:49 PM
This is why I never buy a strange girl's drinks, never pop my collar and never get massages. I would always be wondering where the massage lady's hands had just been. lol
And remember kids, you can never be too picky when it comes to the forcible removal of pubic hair. Good luck in your search!
katy
August 6, 2006 5:17 PM
hahahah the look on your face when he offered the freeby was priceless but he was too busy trying to pose and look cool to notice. don't worry babe. we'll find a new place.. a new place where they don't finger people in a backroom!
Lizzie
August 6, 2006 6:22 PM
lol Jesus that's a disgusting job. You know all the old mamas signed up for a package deal on his services.
But hey as much as Brazilian's hurt, maybe you need the orgasm afterwards to balance shit out! I have to take 3 aspirin every month before I go and that's still not good enough. it's fucking torture!
Nathan Arrington
August 6, 2006 7:03 PM
Go to this place called Spacio, it's in Lincoln Park in Chicago. Alia swears by it... but I don't know if she's getting foreplay while she's there and i just don't knowit!
patrick houlihan
August 6, 2006 8:42 PM
So Warner manipulates guys at the bar like it's her job? she's no different than any other woman. There is no girl that will refuse a free drink if offered. It'd be nice but there's no rule that says accepting a drink means they've gotta give it up. It's all a game for them but I can't say I blame em for playin it.
kim
August 6, 2006 10:58 PM
don't change places. they do a great job there! just make sure you avoid collar popper from now on. maybe find out when his lunch hour is and go then.
INAMAR
August 7, 2006 1:37 AM
Whats wrong with women going to massage parlors and getting one of those "happy endings" as they're "affectionately" referred to? I understand it's not for everyone, but back in the day, far,far from home, and mostly horny as hell, "happy endings" were almost commonplace for me and my mates. I'm quite sure that the majority of the women choosing the "premium service" are of the ilk that Flash outlined up front.
Adam Castro
August 7, 2006 1:57 AM
The happy ending for women kinda creeps me out, Inamar. It's seems like a more natural thing where guys are concerned but for women, you have to actually penetrate. Or at the very least, get in there a little bit. I know it's a double standard but it just seems a lot more invasive and involved.
Joey Baker
August 7, 2006 8:59 AM
I'm with ya Inamar. The ladies have every right to get their happy endings too, especially when they're the "soccer mom with no job and 4 rambunctious kids whose depressed husband would rather download free porn in the middle of the night than take 20 minutes to fuck" em!
Joey Baker
August 7, 2006 9:01 AM
One other thing Flash, is the guy a licensed masseuse that goes the extra mile or is he just some dude that they hired? If he's just a dude, I'm a struggling grad student that could use some extra cash! Maybe a rich lady spa will hire me :)
Julius
August 7, 2006 12:26 PM
You can't blame women for doin that shit Koester. the last time i saw baby girl pay for shit was her freshman year. she got an ice cream cone and bitched ALL the way back to campus because the dude at baskin robbins had the nerve NOT to give her an additional discount on top of her coupon. She's a brat, true, she's a tightwad, very true, but she's not evil. You gotta stop bein the retard, Koester :) As long as I'm not the dumb ass pickin up some girl's tab, I support em!
INAMAR
August 8, 2006 12:52 AM
Adam- I hear what you're saying, but I don't believe the "procedure" is invasive if the person is "expecting" it, or has "signed on" for the service. And, those happy endings can be had without worry of catching some disease. That was one of the plus's for me and my mates back in the day. We hit some real scary places around the world, some ports had a reported VD rate [VD was the big thing back then] of 90%!! A little happy ending from a cute masseuse while not all encompassing :), nevertheless did the trick and we didn't leave wondering if......
Toxic
August 8, 2006 9:21 AM
"I give (cue airquotes) 'massages to ladies.'"
Sounds more like he picks up towels while trying to catch a peek.
Anthony
August 8, 2006 4:22 PM
Were you in the Navy, Inamar?
INAMAR
August 8, 2006 9:33 PM
Anthony, proudly served and sailed the "seven seas" in the US Coast Guard. Most folks think of little white boats patrolling the beaches in the summer when they think about the CG - as did I. (: Little did I know, little did I know... LOL All in all, not a bad gig :)
Silver
August 9, 2006 1:38 AM
INAMAR my old pal! Where ya been man? I haven't given you a hard time in months.
INAMAR
August 10, 2006 1:41 AM
LOL Silver! I'm quite sure I'll have one of those "back in the day" flashbacks that you just won't be able to resist calling me on. :)