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Now Is the Time on Sprockets When We DanceI've somehow developed an obsession with Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man." The good thing is that the majority of you are men and have no idea what I'm talking about. The bad thing is that you know who Christina Aguilera is and have lost complete respect for me (if you hadn't already). The worse thing is this song results in involuntary butt shaking. [It's a horrible, ridiculous song but it's so goddamn catchy! My ass can't help it] ... So it goes that when the hip-shaking beats of 'Ain't No Other Man" started up on the radio this morning, I sprung out of my chair and rocked out. Hard. My office door was shut, so I thought I was safe but then Boss walked in and watched silently with a couple others until the song's completion. "Well goddamn Little Warner, you move your ass as fast as you run! I felt a breeze! I'll call in some more of the staff and you can put on a show for the whole group!" I spun around to see a trio of 50-somethings in hysterics... I am shamed. One of our idiot grad assistants immediately found the song on the internet and now tries to play it whenever he spots me out of my office. It's usually not difficult operating in this testosterone-laden work environment but when I get caught shaking my ass while on top of a chair and desk and then around the room, it makes things awfully hard. I should live this down, oh, around January. + In other news, the Raiders are presently headed to Ohio for the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday, which reminds me of something... Jerry Porter can eat a dick!!
Some of you will remember that I chose a new target of Raiders devotion and jerseyship around this time last year. Having worn various Tim Brown jerseys since the age of 5, I was forced to move on to another player once he retired. Randy Moss and Warren Sapp weren't possibilities because I didn't want to nauseate myself when looking in the mirror. Charles Woodson was also out, as I still wanted to strangle him for lulling us into a false sense of security with a great rookie season and subsequent diva brand of suck. So I went with Porter. Sure, he's an annoying git with some serious personality problems, but I was willing to overlook these negatives because I mistakenly believed he'd make up one half of the most fearsome duo in the NFL. I should have known better. Porter sleepwalked through 2005 courtesy of more than $10M in guaranteed money from a pre-season signing bonus. He posted just two 100-yard games, a seven-reception game high, and a 12.4 yards-per-catch average. In six NFL seasons, he's caught 239 passes for 24 touchdowns and 3,215 yards. He has led the Raiders in receiving yards only once, in 2004, with 998 yards, and has never been to the Pro Bowl. So it makes perfect sense that he believes he has the right to be disgruntled with the way Art Shell is running the Raider Ship. Art Shell has demanded effort, commitment, and discipline, particularly from stars like Moss and Porter. He wants them to work out at the Raiders facility and set a positive tone for the rest of the team. He wants them to be examples. But that's far too much for Porter to handle. When WR Coach Fred Biletnikoff asked Porter if he was staying around for the off-season program, Porter said he'd prefer to practice in Florida. I don't know if Porter is aware of it but he went to West Virginia, not The U. He's not Edgerrin James or Clinton Portis. Try that bullshit excuse once you've been to a Pro Bowl or two. In response to this news, Biletnikoff said, "What's the matter, stud, you're not gonna stay here for the program?" And that's when the madness started. It didn't end until Art Shell entered the room and asked, "Who the f--- do you think you are? Who do you think you're talking to?" I know the answer to that, Art! Jerry thinks he's TO in an argument with Andy Reid. But what he doesn't understand is that one can't act like TO and then produce like Jerry Porter. Being a diva is not permitted when you're the #2 receiver for a franchise that death-spiraled to 13-35 while you were on the roster. As a result of this incident, Porter wants out of Oakland and on to a team that either has Mike Martz or an offense that isn't "dusted off from a bed and breakfast in God knows where." Hopefully, he won't be given the pleasure. This horse's arse needs a swift kick to the chin and a warm place on the bench where he can reflect until he learns how to behave. I'm not sure what the actual penalty will be but I know Art Shell will be all over it. I was incredibly annoyed at the Shell hiring and openly hoped for Al Davis to die... multiple times... [That had more to do with the state of the Raiders as a whole than just the head coach situation] but I hope to be proven wrong. Hardass or not, Shell was a mediocre coach the first time around; I'm not confident in his ability to lead us to the promised land in his second attempt. But I am overjoyed at the way he handles this organization. The inmates run the asylum no longer and that's a great start. If it costs us a receiver like Jerry Porter, so be it. In any case, it's time I start looking at new jerseys. I can't support an obnoxious cockbag like this. Any suggestions? Given that it's the Raiders, I suppose there are none. Maybe I'll put the Tim Brown back on and take on the role of the chick that just can't let go.  Posted at August 4, 2006 12:11 PM Permalink • Filed under: Oakland Raiders , Personal |
I've refrained from commenting on
Comments (14): Now Is the Time on Sprockets When We Dance
The Pen
August 4, 2006 12:35 PM
Hey, you can always come over with us and join the Bills fans. Not that we suck any less than the Raiders, but we don't have to deal with egos all the time.
I think Shell is going to be great for the team, and hopefully he can get the ship righted.
And Flash, that dancing in your office bit had me on the floor. Hilarious!
Silver
August 4, 2006 1:47 PM
haha That musta been a site. At least in January, you'll be back on vacation and all this will have slipped their minds by the time you get back in February! So you only have 5 months of shame to look forward too :-)
Alonso Warner
August 4, 2006 2:57 PM
It's time to get over hating Moss. He's the only thing we've got goin. What about Doug Gabriel? He's not ready to be a solid #2 yet but you gotta love his attitude. I say either Moss or Gabriel OR go back to that Bo Jackson one Bubbe got you when we were about 7.. bet it still fits, runt!
Sawyer
August 4, 2006 3:52 PM
hahah He's gonna keep playing it till you dance in front of the whole office! We want the show!
Katy
August 4, 2006 4:50 PM
he doesn't produce like TO but he's certainly been on the TO Driveway Crunches Plan. jesus christ.
And don't feel any shame about that song babe :) a couple days ago, I got caught rocking out to it at a stoplight by a truck full of these migrant workers. They whistled at me and followed me all the way to work. I haven't been embarrassed like that in a long long time.
Anderson del Real
August 4, 2006 8:03 PM
"Karl-Heinz, you are beautiful and angular, and if you were a gas, you'd be inert." long live Dieter :)
When you're not even the #1 option on the team, how do you come to training camp in an iced out belt? what the shit is that?
kim
August 4, 2006 10:28 PM
hahahhaa those old men can't handle your ghetto ass swingin around like that. if you're gonna listen to u93 again, lock your office door before you make one of them stroke out. you dork :P
Koutouvides
August 5, 2006 12:53 PM
I keep seein all these kool aid drinking raiders fans that think Shell is taking you back to the super bowl. It's a buncha bullshit. the coaching staff still isn't great and nothing really happened positionally to bring any improvements. But i think the new attitude probably wins you an extra 2-3 games and maybe you can make it back to 500. That'll ease the ulcer, right flashers? :)
A.J.
August 5, 2006 9:19 PM
I never paid close enough attention to Porter and had no idea he was such a pain in the ass. I just read where he made noise and tried to bolt because he didn't like being behind Jerry Rice and Tim Brown when he was still a wet-behind-the-ears receiver. I didn't know anybody would have the balls to bitch about that.
brady
August 6, 2006 1:15 AM
i always miss the good stuff.
Nathan Arrington
August 6, 2006 7:20 PM
Hall of Fame game tonight woman! You got your Pepcid AC ready? :)
Matt Geiger
August 7, 2006 4:25 PM
Jesus, she was tweaking out at the friggin kickoff!!! Guy got taken down at like the 15 and she's already swearing at the TV. Can someone please tell her that a game where the starting QB is taken out after the first drive counts even less than the rest of the preseason gamess?? thanks :)
Amateur
August 7, 2006 9:56 PM
Flash, are you sure you're elderly enough to take on the role of the chick that just can't let go?
Flash
August 8, 2006 2:56 PM
Haha, I'm probably not, Amateur. If I wasn't so melodramatic, I doubt this would be such an issue :)