The Day Bear Bryant Died

On a wintry day in 1983, songwriters Buddy Buie and Ronnie Hammond were holed up in a cabin on Atlanta’s Lake Lanier, working on new songs for a possible Atlanta Rhythm Section album, when they saw on TV that Paul “Bear” Bryant, the legendary Alabama football coach, had died following a heart attack.

They stopped what they were doing to write a song called “The Day Bear Bryant Died” mainly for themselves, just as a way of dealing with the loss… yes, you read that correctly. They had to deal with the loss.

I suppose writing a song is cheaper than a therapy bill or a bottle of whiskey. But come on.. wouldn’t you rather down the whiskey? In any case, more than 23 years after Bryant’s death, their song is finally being released. And that song, boys and girls, is high comedy — if you’re not a ‘Bama fan.

Here’s a clip (and lyrics). While you listen, close your eyes, sit back, and imagine the scene — thousands of Alabamans pouring out of their shacks, trucks, and plantations to do a Hands Across America-esque vigil.. quietly swaying back and forth with candlelights and Stars and Bars flickering in the background:

I’ll never forget
The day that I heard the news
Bear Bryant has died
Funny, I thought he’d refuse
I watched as they laid him to rest
In ol’ Alabama
Oh, how I cried
The day Bear Bryant died

Buddy Buie & Ronnie Hammond – The Day Bear Bryant Died

Ya know, it’s not quite Don McLean’s “American Pie.” Actually, it’s not even close. But I have to admire the effort. After all – what have I written, right? Well, wake me up when Al Davis dies. The piece I pen when he’s shuffled loose the mortal coil will put the 1812 Overture to shame.

Pot & Kettle Files: Chelsea Accuses Gallas of Extreme Douchebaggery

Starting Friday, I was wrapped up in job duties that carried into the late hours of Saturday night and didn’t fly back until early Sunday morning. After a brief nap, it was back to the work place.. gotta love the fall. 

As a result of these happenings, I neglected to report on Arsenal’s state of affairs following the close of the transfer window last week. And to the 5 people around here who actually know what the transfer window is, I apologize :)

Pascal Cygan is joining Bobby Pires at Villareal. It’ll be a great place for him; I wish him the best. As for the big moves — Jose Reyes is out, Julio "The Beast" Baptista is in, and Cashley Cole is off to Chelsea in exchange for the disgruntled William Gallas and £5m. Overall, I’m pleased. Arsene has been wooing the Beast for over a year; the Brazilian midfielder’s power in the air and wealth of goal scoring ability will be a welcome addition to the lineup.

Where the Spanish Mama’s boy and Cuntley are concerned, however, nothing but "good riddance" and a few f-bombs come to mind.

A little more than a year ago, Reyes was outed as having wet dreams about the Galacticos after a Spanish disc jockey tricked him into believing he was speaking to the Real Madrid Sporting Director on the phone. Reyes gushed with praise for the club, going so far as to say the Arsenal clubhouse was full of bad people. This fake interview sparked a year of "will he/won’t he" speculation, largely fueled on both sides by Reyes himself. It is believed that his mother’s dislike of London fueled his desire to return to Spain. Pussy.

And then there’s Cashley Cole, a worthless piece of shite no longer worthy of respect. After being groomed into one of the best left backs in the world under Arsene Wenger’s watchful eye, he became the epitome of disloyalty by selling out to Stamford Bridge. This all began innocently enough when the Arsenal management refused to give him a £5,000/week raise to pay his agent. Chelsea vultured its way into the situation, sparking up a tapping-up row that landed the Blues and Cole in hot water. Like any pansy unable to take accountability for his foolish mistakes, he placed all the blame on Arsenal. So now he’s gone… he has his raise, freedom to publish a tell-all book where Arsenal is the root of all evil, and high hopes that he and his C-list cunt of a wife will become the next Posh & Becks. He is a total disgrace. Arsenal never treated Ashley Cole with anything other than dignity and class and this is how we are repayed. If he’s thrown off a bridge or nailed in the heart by a stingray tomorrow, I won’t shed a tear.

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In related news, Stamford Bridge released a comical statement to fans "explaining" why they gave up one of the most popular Blues in a cash-plus trade. It seems that they had no choice. Though it is no secret that William Gallas sought a transfer for many months, if you listen to the Bank of Chelsea, he was a terrifying beast that held the club for ransom.

"He went on to threaten that if he was forced to play, or if he was disciplined and financially punished for his breach of the rules, that he could score an own goal or get himself sent off, or make deliberate mistakes."

Apparently, this reprehensible behavior is what caused them to move the French defender. And ya know, that would make total sense if this statement was released, oh, way back in May when this madness first began. But nope. It seems that a club that can buy and sell any player in the world, allowed its best defender (who didn’t have the salary to match the honor) to punk them until the final minutes of the deadline. It wasn’t their fault, Chelsea fans! Don’t you see? The evil Gallas took over the Bank and made them sell to Arsenal!

Naturally, Gallas denies these claims, expressing shock and surprise:

"I never said that I would score own goals if I had to play for Chelsea again… I was firm about my wanting to leave, that is true, and I will explain in due time why I wanted to. But I never went that far. But if people want to hide behind false accusations in order to give a reason for why I left so they can calm down the club’s supporters then they can."

Gallas has been a right prick during this process but no matter what he told Jose Mourinho – that he was going to score own goals, intentionally cock-up, or play poorly - is of no consequence, as there is no way he would have been allowed to do so. When a player makes threats of this nature, you cut that player or sit them until he or she can be shipped off to the highest bidder. You don’t offer them a new four year deal, you don’t beg them to join your American pre-season tour, and you don’t try to negotiate. You work out a transfer before the cancer infects your clubhouse.

The truth is, these cunts are airing their dirty laundry in a weak attempt to save face. William Gallas was one of the most popular players at Stamford Bridge and if you can make him out to be a greedy wanker that was hawking himself to the highest bidder, it might make picking up of the biggest, money-grubbing scoundrel in England just a little more acceptable.

Crikey! Stingray Kills Crocodile Hunter!

So how’s this for random and tragic? Steve Irwin, known worldwide as The Crocodile Hunter, is dead, the victim of a stingray barb to the chest while filming a documentary off the coast of Australia.

Yeah, that’s right – a stingray. Not a crocodile or a snake or even Albert, the Florida Gator. A bloody stingray.

According to marine biologists, stingrays are typically non-aggressive animals that are only dangerous if provoked, making it "quite rare" for anyone to die from contact. Most stingray attacks occur when people step on them and even then, the injuries are minor.

Sadly for Irwin and his family, he suffered a puncture wound to the left side of his heart rather than the foot or leg; the location of the wound likely resulted in a fatal heart attack. Though an emergency Queensland Rescue helicopter crew, including a doctor and paramedic, was flown in to revive him, Irwin was dead before they arrived.

Now, I never thought Irwin would live to appreciate the benefits of AARP, as there are only so many times you can tempt fate when dealing with wild animals and his so-called "hands-on" approach often bordered on the reckless… or insane. But I sure didn’t think he’d go down to a ridiculous creature on a one in a million shot to the chest. It just seems so silly and bizarre.

Having said that, it’s sad to see his life cut short. Irwin was an enthusiastic, entertaining bloke who did wonders for the animal kingdom and he’ll be sorely missed. As Justin Timberlake once eloquently noted, "He’s like Dr Dolittle, for real. He knows what those crocodiles are thinking."

Too bad he didn’t know what the stingrays were thinking. 

Andre Agassi Drinking Game = Coma

So after taking in a bit of the Browns-Bears preseason game last night, we returned to watch what was supposed to be the final match of Andre Agassi’s illustrious career.

Agassi and Marcos Baghdatis - a cheerful goofball that was the runner-up at this year’s Australian Open and a semifinalist at Wimbledon – quickly settled into a rhythm of hard-hitting baseline exchanges. Though the play was sublime, knowing that we could reasonably leave, engage in random shenanigans, and return 2-3 hours later when the drama was at its peak made for a restless crowd. As such, some were eager to head back out while a few of us wanted to stay.

So in an effort to appease all present, we created a drinking game based on Andre Agassi’s situation and John McEnroe’s random comments. By the time the second set began, it was immediately obvious that this could be trouble…

One Shot of Beer:

Anyone mentions any variation on the word "retire"

John McEnroe mentions Agassi’s age (36)

Take 2 extra shots if McEnroe notes that Agassi is "playing/moving like a (fill in younger age here) year old!"

John McEnroe mentions Agassi’s bad back and/or litany of ailments and treatments

Take 2 extra shots if this happens in the same context as a discussion about his age

Camera pans to a pained, worried Steffi Graf

If she is actually smiling when this happens, pound your beer

Agassi hits a return of serve for a winner

A random spectator voices his/her love for Agassi (or other supportive comments)

Any mention of Agassi’s mullet days

Everyone must shout, "IMAGE IS EVERYTHING!" when this occurs

Opponent hits a drop shot and Agassi makes an annoyed groan sound on his run to the ball

Agassi blows a break point

Two Shots of Liquor:

Agassi loses his serve

Tiebreaker!

McEnroe implores either player to challenge the official line call with the "Hawk Eye" system

An extra shot if player loses challenge because the ball fuzz happened to clip the line in the graphic

McEnroe crushes on the Hawk Eye system, using it just to show how close the ball was to the line

An extra shot if McEnroe feigns surprise when he is wrong about the call

Pound A Beer

USA runs Maria Sharapova’s "I Feel Pretty" Nike commercial

This is good for 6-8 beers for a 4 hour match

McEnroe mancrushes on Agassi’s career

This is subjective but once someone starts drinking, all must

Any reference to the final US Open runs of Jimmy Connors or Pete Sampras

The words "fairy tale run" or "storybook ending" - if used in the same context as a Connors or Sampras mention, disregard

Injury timeout

Agassi bows and blows kisses to the crowd

If you didn’t get a chance to watch the match last night, try to catch a repeat on USA, as the highlights on SportsCenter don’t do proper justice. It transitioned from good match to classic over the course of four hours and was capped by a magical fifth set rivaling any that have been played in recent years.

As for the game’s success, we were all in a really bad way by match’s end but if I’m completely straightened out by the time we fly to Atlanta in a few hours, that should mark the full recovery time at right around 12 hours. But if I can get through the morning without Boss noticing that I’m all jacked up, I consider this a win. I’ll recover on the plane.

In any case, there are 5 rounds left to play but how long Agassi lasts is anyone’s guess. It’s being reported that he’ll likely run over his next opponent, Benjamin Becker (no relation to Boris), to set up a Labor Day match against Andy Roddick in the Round of 16… with Jimmy Connors now acting as Roddick’s coach, it should be another great one.

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In related news, check out the Wade Blogs for the Top 10 Andre Agassi Commercials