T.O. Needs Shauna, Not Kim Etheredge

I’m not really sure what one could say about the Terrell Owens situation that hasn’t been presented by a million media outlets, so what I’m offering to this discussion is beyond me. But I should probably get it out of the way, especially since I haven’t managed to talk about anything else…

When I first heard the news about the alleged attempt and that publicist, Kim Etheredge, called 911, I said, "Of course. At least he skipped Tonya Harding’s kidnap plot and went straight to the end game." Only on Planet Terrell Owens would a person attempt suicide and have emergency medical assistance summoned by their bloody publicist. The only thing that could have been more appropriate is if Drew Rosenhaus had met the EMTs in the street and advised them to meet the troubled receiver in the middle of the driveway… just look for the lights from the tv crews.

I initially believed that TO, haunted by internal demons and now troubled by the fact that he 1) gets less catches than Terry Glenn, 2) is 34, hurt, and on the last legs of his career, and 3) still can’t find any friends that aren’t on his payroll, orchestrated the ultimate act of selfishness to shine attention on himself. I don’t mean that he faked the attempt and went all Mr. Burns, waiting in devious glee until the tv trucks arrived. But I did believe that he’s dysfunctional enough to take a page from the book of Costanza and try to go out on a high note. If he survives, he gets an outpouring of emotion and attention that 1,000 Sharpie incidents couldn’t muster. If he dies, he’d be an instant legend, achieving the love and admiration in death that he never could in life.

But having thought it over, I doubt he’s a sick enough twist for that level of plotting. My guess is that this was a the valid attempt and a true cry for help. Those contemplating suicide often fire warning shots in situations where they can be saved but who knows. Maybe TO just out-TO’d himself. Maybe he didn’t. He has been so ridiculous for so long — ostensibly crying wolf so often that I’ve grown too numb to care.

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After watching nearly 24 hours of spin and speculation, I have a question — is there such a thing as publicist school? Where do you train for this? Is there a degree?

I graduated with a double major from a pretty reputable institution, I have a year and a half of post-grad under my belt, and I’ve carefully studied Shauna the Publicist in each episode of "Entourage." I’m a tough, no-nonsense girl with an abrasive personality. I’m incredibly articulate but can drop f-bombs like nobody’s business when necessary! And my accent grants me the luxury of sounding incredibly sophisticated and intelligent even though I may not know what day it is. Further, foolish people give me a pass for acting like an arse and making nasty comments because they’ve mistaken the behaviour for "dry British wit." [If I sounded like I was from the East Coast, people would just call me an asshole.] But I digress… So now I’m wondering if all of my "education" is enough for someone to say, "Hey, she’s qualified!" because, frankly, I could handle spin creation for the TO camp just as "well" as this Kim Etheredge character.

What a useless clown.

Only Terrell Owens could allegedly attempt suicide and have the masses react with skepticism, scorn, and jokes like "Even TO wants to kill TO!" (thanks, Matt). A person may have issued the ultimate cry for help and millions of us are thinking, "Nice stunt, jerk."

And that’s where the publicist steps in … or not, if you’re Kim Etheredge, a woman who has been publically dropping the ball since TO was apparently misquoted about being misquoted in his own book last year.

The national sports media has been held hostage over this issue for more than a day and no one from the Owens camp has taken proper advantage. Once mention of suicidal tendencies flies out of the box, you have no choice but to own it because that’s not something you can just bury with denials, cover stories, and glib behavior in a press conference. It’s rare that a situation looks like suicide (or attempt) but actually isn’t and while TO’s story is plausible, I don’t know who’s buying it.

Amazingly, this situation created the best opportunity for the Owens camp to show the world that Terrell is a sympathetic character… that we shouldn’t buy into the persona or the rumors… that Terrell Owens is a fragile man in an unfortunate situation – embrace him, learn from him, and wish him a healthy, speedy recovery, so he can rejoin the Dallas Cowboys and play the game he loves.

Look, I know all too well that no athlete wants to be branded as being weak or a head case but since The Catch II, TO has proven his mental toughness to us again and again. His strength of mind on the field hasn’t been questioned in nearly a decade but before yesterday, who of you didn’t think he was at least a little nuts? Who didn’t think the guy wasn’t suffering from some type of mood disorder?You can be a rock on the field and a crumbling mess off it, trust me.

Though Team TO runs the risk of the Cowboys finding cause to put him on the non-football injury list and wriggling out from under his $5 million salary, Jerry Jones makes the final decisions and he’s not about to take the "I told you so" beating from the national media over an issue like this. So why not take advantage and prey on our sympathies? I know it didn’t work with TO’s "book" but tugging at heart strings is easier when the act isn’t motivated by profits… It wouldn’t be a publicity stunt. It’d be spinning the information in your favor.

But rather than hit the easy button, the spinmeister opted to get aggressive and drop this snide bomb at the close of her press conference yesterday:

It’s not family or football or a love of life that keeps him going. It’s the 25 million bones and as long as he has it, the future Mike Tyson of the NFL will be blessed. Such a solid reason for living and such a great commentary to a nation of fans, the majority of whom who only have thirty thousand reasons not to kill themselves – or less.

But hey, maybe she’s doing us a favor. It’s her word choice that is preventing us from getting caught up in the emotion. See, with that comment, she reminded us that there are 25 million reasons to doubt everything her client does… that there are 25 million reasons for her client to keep acting like an ego-tripping douchebag. It’s pretty hard to feel sorry for a clown but I very nearly did. Thank God Kim Etheridge was around to snap me back into reality.