There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

The Chevy Silverado commercial played at every commercial break during the baseball playoffs and four times in the first quarter of Sunday Night Football. I imagine more than a few chumps out there fell for the montage of sacred historical images set to a jingoistic soundtrack and went right out to buy themselves a truck. I suppose I can't blame GM for using flag-waving McPatriotism to force a product upon the masses because hey, it works. But that doesn't make their ad campain any less shameful and foul.

But the worst thing about the ad is that it aired literally every 5 minutes. But even after three weeks of being beaten over the head with that crap, there's still nothing that makes my ears bleed more Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football.

Though I mentioned this a week ago, it bears repeating -- I would rather swallow thumbtacks than suffer Kornheiser's voice. In print, he's fine. But when he speaks, it's like a shrill Larry David without the random shenanigans, sense of comedic timing, and skill for unscripted humor.

The more comfortable Kornheiser becomes in the booth, the worse he gets. Sure, he makes jokes and tosses barbs at Theismann, which, from what I understand, is the whole point of putting him in the booth. But his jokes aren't funny and the barbs (when they aren't going over Joe's head) aren't clever. To make matters worse, he has turned emphasizing the excrutiatingly obvious into an artform and may end up polishing more knob this season than I'll manage in 10.

Tonight, TK took his fellating to the next level - a truly bizarre level that I can only think was inspired by his need to show Joe Theismann just how smart he actually is.

A couple weeks ago, viewers were treated to TK's jabber about Matt Leinart's similarities to Vinnie Chase of Entourage, a show he's likely never seen. And tonight, he fell off the deep-end by comparing Tom Brady's unlikely path to glory to that of Academy-award winning actress, Shirley Maclaine.

Brady marched New England 74 yards over 11 plays for a touchdown just before halftime. While the camera focused on him during the ensuing kickoff, Kornheiser went into fellatio overdrive, noting Brady's role as the understudy who made the most of his opportunity.

It was like "Shirley Maclaine going in for Gwen Verdon in The Pajama Game, though I'm doing broadway musicals here... "In the first big shot he's got, he does as a young man, he wins the super bowl... He's a legend in his own time... He's Paul Revere up there right now."

Forget the Paul Revere comment; it's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard but not annoying enough for me to throw down multiple paragraphs of rant. I have other concerns... well, they're concerns if you're a girl with way too much useless knowledge or a guy who's really into showtunes (and you know who you are). I'm speaking to an incredibly small group right now, and I know that. Bear with me.

Kornheiser has long insisted that he knows nothing about football, so I won't begrudge him making allusions to comparitive situations occuring in other aspects of life. But if you're going to take that road, do us all a favor and get it right.

As sophisticated as you were trying to pretend you were, Tony, Gwen Verdon wasn't in The Pajama Game! Shirley Maclaine was the understudy to Carol Haney in that musical and it was Haney's broken ankle that allowed Maclaine the exposure to get her Paramount contract and become a star. The only time Gwen Verdon took time off from the stage was for the birth of a child. And when she returned, she starred as Charity in Sweet Charity and that musical was eventually made into a movie starring Shirley Maclaine.

Now, I know you don't think anyone watching Monday Night Football actually knows anything about Broadway but there are a few of us out there. And if you're gonna go out of your way act like a tool, get the facts straight before you run your mouth.

Perhaps Kornheiser should bring Tony Reali along for the Oakland-Seattle game. I'm sure he'd have no problem pulling a double shift as Stat Boy once a week.

"Next day on your dressing room they've hung a star, but there's no business like show business." - Tony Kornheiser, screwing up Irving Berlin's famous lyrics, after being bashed by Mike Tirico.

Posted on 31 October 2006 | Filed under: Down With ESPN! | Comments (9) | AIM Me

Don't look now but my Oakland Raiders are officially riding a winning streak!

When we stopped the Steelers with about 2 minutes left to play, I tempered my enthusiasm. If I know anything it's that the Raiders will find a way to crap on my heart but luckily, Najeh Davenport's ineptitude got in the way.

I never would have thought a team could amass 51 passing yards, 83 rushing yards, and one interception and still come away with a 7 point win but thanks to Ben Roethlisberger's ever-deteriorating brain function and Bill Cowher's complete refusal to insert Charlie Batch, this impossibility came to fruition.

Posted on 30 October 2006 | Filed under: NFL , Oakland Raiders | Comments (7) | AIM Me

So I was in line at Subway last night when I noticed some random woman eyeballing me. Initially, I didn't think anything of it. People stare at others for a myriad of reasons... you could have something on your face or look familiar or just happen to be standing in a line of unfocused sight. 

All was well until she caught my eye again, winked at me, and mouthed out a "hi there." I thought I smiled back or tried to anyway. Whether it actually happened is anyone's guess. What I know for certain is that the nutritional information of the Honey Oat and Monterrey Cheddar breads had never been so intriguing.

I stared straight ahead and sidestepped my way down the line. I'd just paid when I heard, "Roasted chicken breast, huh? I've never tried that. I really like this new cajun steak they've got goin."

It was the woman. And she was a lot more scary than the first time I tried to ignore her.

As a lot of you know, I'm a bit of a runt with a serious Napoleon complex and a lot of pent up aggression. I'm just aching for any perceived slight, any comment that will send me off the deep end. But when I get hit on by a 5'11, 220-pound, woman that's sporting a mullet, a Harley Davidson sweatshirt, and a box of Camels in her hand, I get intimidated and shut down.

What's bizarre is that this doesn't happen with men. Save one, every man in my life has exceeded 6'3 and 200 pounds because, frankly, I like a guy with the ability to throw me around. So size wasn't an issue. And if I'm getting eyeballed by some chump, I either have fun with or ignore it altogether. So it's not like I clam up and struggle to function when things like that occur. But when a woman enters the picture, I come up woefully short in avoidance management and have no explanation for it.

"You're a doll. A blonde with dimples. What's your name?"It felt very Joey "How you doin" Tribiani. And I'll admit, the flattery was nice but her intensity made me uncomfortable and I wanted to respond like this:

Instead, I muttered a thank you and hung my head, already defeated and completely vexed by her inability to notice my extreme state of discomfort. She started in on the small talk. I don't know how long it lasted but eventually, she mentioned Sawyer & AJ. "Are either of those guys a.. boyfriend?" "Roommates." A boyfriend claim would've ended this situation but I'm braindead and screwed myself.

"Ohhh, right. I used to have a guy roommate too. So I was noticing your hair! You've got that cheerleader ponytail. Are you a cheerleader for ND or something?"

Suddenly, things changed. It was time to get aggressive. If you're gonna hit on me and make me feel small, fine. You're a gigantic woman who might throw me over your shoulder and take me to the cave if I don't tread lightly and I acknowledge your ability to do that. But don't think that you can insult me with comments like that and get away with it! I'll have to die fighting!

"Well I don't know what you expect. You came in that Jeep and that's as much a sign as anything! You look about 16 anyway. Go home to your mommy. Brat!"

I am a brat, so no offense was taken but what did the sign talk mean? To the best of my knowledge, lesbians drive Subarus, Hondas, and pickups. I wasn't aware that Jeeps were in the mix.

When I got home, I hit The Google and sure enough, on the Ultimate Gay & Lesbian Cars list:  

#3 (lesbian): Jeep Wrangler. Sure, the Subaru has more gas mileage but the Wrangler is decidedly more butch."  

Comments from Cartalk and Lesbian Life readers:

• Every lesbian wants a Jeep
• The typical lesbian car... especially white with black leather accessories and round headlights.
• It's not the most comfortable ride in town, but pull up to the lesbian bar with the top down and the girls will know right away you're a good-time gal.

Even more astonishing is that my car shows up on the gay male list as well!

#4: Jeep Wrangler. A veritable boy magnet. Red is a must and no mud please. Go for the long romantic drive before dinner, however, or you'll lose your creme brulee on the ride home.

• It's a regular boy-magnet!
• The ultimate male homobile seems lately to be the Jeep Wrangler. It easily converts from topless cruiser to butch 4x4 to match your mood (and your outfit!). Hey, I've got one!
• Jeep Wrangler: It just swooshes with hyper-masculinity, without requiring the owner to ACTUALLY FIX SOMETHING till the warranty is up! Ooh, then sell it, honey!
  
• I would have to say it's the Jeep Wrangler. All of that open air, open space, party beads hanging from the rearview mirror. And not to mention showing off the tan you got while waiting in traffic. Did I mention the dance music blaring from the Jeep?? It's so gay!

Ya know, I don't care that gays and lesbians are big on the Jeep Wrangler. As far as I'm concerned, it's a great car that should be enjoyed by many.

But why does it come with such an extreme stereotype? Further, why didn't I hear about it prior to last night?

If I drove a Subaru Outback to WNBA games, I'd pull out the Jump to Conclusions Mat myself, so the lot of you could leap all over it. But I drive a Jeep Wrangler with two non-factory accessories - a Doors sticker and a chrome decal. That shouldn't be an indictment on my sexual orientation... should it?

Posted on 26 October 2006 | Filed under: Personal | Comments (24) | AIM Me

While watching Monday Night Football, a few things crossed my mind...

• On ESPN's MNF, the days of introducing yourself and paying homage to your university/high school/elementary school/neighborhood playground are long gone. Now, a featured player from each team's offense and defense handles the task. But has anyone noticed that not all the names are said?
  
  On the defensive side, you get to find out who the ends are, a couple cornerbacks, and maybe a linebacker. And on the offensive side, we're treated to the quarterback, the wide receivers, a guard, and probably the TE. If we're lucky, we even get to hear their wacky nicknames.
  
  But what about the guy that doesn't get the mention? Tiki Barber went through every part of the roster, from Eli Manning to the guy that runs Gatorade bottles out to the field, and neglected to mention Jim Finn - the ONLY fullback on the Giants roster.
  
  What, do you need a Madden '07 rating at 80 or above to qualify for a mention? I'm pretty sure this theory holds water... Ethan Albright certainly didn't get introduced when the Redskins played Minnesota in Week 1.
  
  
• Tom Brady, JP Losman, and now, Tony Romo. If you're Drew Bledsoe, what's going on in your head now that you've been replaced three times for a younger product whose most immediate upside is that he's not slower than molasses?
  
  The thought of being replaced is enough to nauseate me but not choking on my own uptight arrogance probably has something to do with that.
  
  Bledsoe has been entrenched in the pompous so-and-so category since the early 90s, so it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks Parcells' halftime decision was anything more than temporary punishment.
  
  This is, after all, the guy who was telling Buffalo reporters that the Bills were still "his team" after security had packed up his locker and set the contents on a curb in the Ralph Wilson parking lot.
  
  But at bump #3, even the cockiest sumbitch starts questioning his effectiveness, right? And in that end, you'd have to see this as the end of the road, unless, of course, you want to take your ability to get sacked out to the Bay. Andrew Walter needs another 3 years of mentoring before he officially emerges from the wings of development.
   
• I would rather swallow thumbtacks than suffer Tony Kornheiser's voice. He's like Larry David without the wit, sense of humor and random shenanigans. Thank God for Heroes, the greatest 9-10p EST distraction on television.
  
  Hopefully, the writers will be kind enough to not leave the viewers in a twisted mess of questions and confusion unlike the jokers responsible for turning "Lost" into a love-hate relationship. Speaking of Lost, does anyone think Desmond is suffering from Merlin's sickness? Matt brought it to my attention but since the writers won't clue us in for another 3 seasons, I'd like to check with others now.
  
  
• Cesc Fabregas recently signed an 8-year contract with The Mighty Arsenal, solidifying himself as the future foundation for the post-Thierry Henry era. I cannot express how excited I was to read this news. Though Thierry recently signed a contract that will keep him at The Grove until his most productive years are behind him, I was already concerned about Arsene's plans for the days when he eventually leaves us. Unlike the crisis of leadership suffered at Patrick Vieira's exit, The Arsenal will be ready to re-load.
  
  
• In related news, I have a brand new Cesc jersey that I wore to work yesterday. Since I have older, undamaged Arsenal kits and was in no real need of a new one, Boss asked why I'd done so before replacing Jerry Porter. As you know, I set my authentic Jerry Porter jersey on fire after becoming enraged by his betrayal. It's going to be a while before I'm ready to take a new NFL player into my life. Thanks, Jerry. Cunt.
  

Posted on 24 October 2006 | Filed under: NFL | Comments (10) | AIM Me

The Autumn Wind is a Raider,
Pillaging just for fun,
he'll knock you around,
and upside down,
and laugh when he's conquered and won (a game!)

Posted on 22 October 2006 | Filed under: NFL , Oakland Raiders | Comments (6) | AIM Me

CBS Sportsline "writer" Dennis Dodd swung and missed yet again, as he placed Auburn's freshman linebacker, Tray Blackmon, in his Top 5 Heisman candidates.

Blackmon's scoop and score sealed Auburn's victory over #2 Florida and he'd be a decent sleeper pick if he'd played more than, oh, one game in his collegiate career.

What's next, Dennis? Bruce Gradkowski for NFL MVP?

Stay tuned next week for more genius from a man aptly described by Blue-Gray Sky as a "clean-shaven Tobias Fünke."

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College football fans may have noticed a slimmer, more stylish Phil Fulmer roaming the Tennessee sidelines.

Over the off-season, the coach widely known as "Fat Phil" lost nearly 30 pounds and even traded in his glasses for a pair of contact lenses.

But like all tales of weight loss, the dieter may have won the battle but Krispy Kreme won the war.

(Fulmer's Belly)

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You can catch the above happenings and quite a few other nuggets in my update today at SportsbyBrooks, so get excited and head over there.  

Posted on 19 October 2006 | Filed under: SportsbyBrooks | Comments (6) | AIM Me

It's another week, so it's only natural that Terrell Owens would have another gripe.

Last week, he was mad that he wasn't scoring enough touchdowns and was rewarded with three touchdowns in Dallas' rout of the Houston Texans. Like any spoiled brat, TO has found that whining makes the world go round and is now irritated that he doesn't have enough catches in the first half.

"For me, the game is getting boring, you know? In the first half of the last two ballgames, I'm not in the ballgame. That's not to say I'm not working hard. I'm not sure what the case may be. "It's not really anybody's fault," he said. "I just feel like it's something that needs to be (addressed). ... I feel like I need to be in the offense, involved a little bit earlier in the ballgame."

Over the last two games, Owens is actually correct but even the sun shines on a dog's ass from time to time. The truth is, Owens has been perfectly balanced through five games with 11 receptions in the first and second halves over five games. Further, he's totaled more yards before halftime (156) than after (121) with all his touchdowns coming in the final two quarters.

My guess is that has more to do with bitching out anyone involved with the offense over halftime than anything else but it's more likely that with Owens still learning the offense and getting in sync with Bledsoe, it takes a half to get things going.

But not if you ask Owens.

"I feel like any time I step on the field I can make plays," Owens said. "As I've said all along, it's all about the opportunities that I am given."

If I'm following my new Parcells Implosion Advisory System, I'd put the current state of alert for Valley Ranch right around orange.

Posted on 19 October 2006 | Filed under: NFL | Comments (6) | AIM Me

You've all seen Dumbo, right? Do you remember when the crows sang "When I See An Elephant Fly" after Timothy, the mouse, concluded that Dumbo must've flown into the tree after a night of drunken excess?

I heard a fireside chat,
I saw a baseball bat
And I just laughed till I thought I'd die.
But I'd been done seen about everything
When I see an elephant fly. 

No? Anyone? I suppose that reference was a stretch. But thanks to Mike Tyson, we are seeing the real life equivalent of a pachyderm taking flight:

The Baddest Man on the Planet is on the stump for the the Grand Old Party.

That's right. Mike Tyson - convicted rapist, possible cannibal, and resident of Bolivian - is on the campaign trail, convincing citizens of Maryland to vote for his ex-brother-in law, Lt. Governor Michael Steele, in the race for the US Senate.

While at a Steele function, Kid Dynamite was clad in a white and blue "Steele for U.S. Senate" t-shirt, stating that while he used to think black Republicans were "sellouts," he's done his due diligence in researching the issues and the party.

"We have to open our eyes more."

Is this the bizarro world? Is up, down? Is black, white? Are we actually on Htrae?

Well, maybe not. Brace yourselves! I'm about to work out a theory.

Put the GOP's moralistic agenda aside for a moment and consider that this is an economic issue.

Once one becomes rich, the goal is to maintain said level of wealth while working to increase it over time. And when one rises from poverty to having millions in the bank, spacious homes across the country, and budding entrepreneurial ventures, free-market policies supporting limited regulation, capitalism, and economic liberalism suddenly become matters of import. As such,
it's likely that this individual's views will shift to a more western brand of conservatism.

Normally, I wouldn't imagine this phenomenon operating in reverse but we're talking about Mike Tyson. Could it happen any other way?

Iron Mike has gone from being the baddest man on the planet to the posterboy for the human shame spiral. The time for his interest in the conservative ideal to be piqued was in the days after Cus D'Amato died and before Don King, Rory Holloway, and John Horne began stealing his money. But it never happened and he spent 20 years making dreadful personal and financial errors, went bankrupt, and is presently getting nickel and dimed by the federal government.

But now, reduced to the role of the dancing bear at the county fair, his eyes have opened to the party that emphasizes the role of personal decision making in fostering economic prosperity...

Given his relationship with the candidate, it's easy to be suspicious. But Mike Tyson is a man of convictions and even though he'll probably get mad at the Republicans next week and threaten to eat their hearts and their children, I'm gonna buy it.

... 

I don't know what idiots would look to Mike Tyson for political advice but kudos to him for helping to rock the vote. That said, I live and work in this country for a large portion of the year, and it's not comforting to know a man running on the Iron Mike Seal of Approval could enter the Senate this January but I suppose Steele can't make things worse than they already are. Maybe he can get Tyson to hang out in the chamber and intimidate votes out of others.

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all... but I won't be anymore if you don't change your vote to yes, motherfucker!" 

HT: Off Wing Opinion

Posted on 18 October 2006 | Filed under: Boxing , Shallow Observations | Comments (7) | AIM Me

At least, I think it's an NFL first...

In late 2004, Paris Hilton left a Las Vegas club on Brian Urlacher's back with a broken stiletto heel in hand. Soon enough, she was spotted at a Bears game wearing an Urlacher jersey.

In early 2006, Hilton was spotted all over LA with Matt Leinart and even showed up in Phoenix a couple times.

Now, we all know Paris Hilton gives it up for candy bars, so it's fair to assume that both players had a piece.

So what I'd like to know is this - has a starting quarterback and an opposing starting linebacker facing off in Monday Night Football ever had publicized relationships with the same girl? In every NFL town, the ratio of groupies to players is 100:1. Unless the two players went to the same college or play in the same town, the odds that a quarterback and the man assigned to plant his face in the dirt have shacked up with the same woman are pretty low. Granted, we are dealing with Paris Hilton, who would probably do me if I had a strap-on and a million dollars, so that may skew the odds a bit. But still. I'm on to something... I'm also drunk... I'm now pretty sure I'll feel like a goon for writing this by the morning.

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In other news, Denny Green went batshit after the Arizona Cardinals pulled a Michigan State...

Posted on 17 October 2006 | Filed under: Audio & Video , NFL | Comments (11) | AIM Me

I thought the 7th Floor Crew was a creative message to the sporting world that "The U" was back. This was a great relief to me because every sport, especially the sugary world of college football, needs a true badboy.. a team of punks and malcontents jacking people up and making great plays.

I love that stuff!

But "If Your Ho Only Knew," or "Ode to a Gangbang," as I prefer to call it, wasn't a message. It simply served as a tiny window into the culture of thuggery many thought had been eliminated by Butch Davis and Larry Coker... but it looks like Coker's Hans Brinker imitation could only last for so long.

I'm sure you know the story of the brutal melee that took place between Miami and Florida International on Saturday night, so I won't get into it. But I'd be remiss if I didn't call attention to the true gem of this shameful affair -- the live commentary provided by former Cane receiver/current Comcast broadcaster, Lamar Thomas.

Around the time the first player kicked another in the ribs, Thomas began rooting for the Canes to do more and more damage - "Now that's what I'm talkin' about. You come into our house, your should get your behind kicked." He also expressed outrage that scrubs from FIU would have the nerve to come up in "the OB" and "talk noise."

Things took an additional step toward the shameful, however, when Thomas went down memory lane - “If this would have been back in the days [sic], we would have called these guys – ‘Hey, meet us at Tamiami Park and let’s get it on without pads.'” It wasn't long before he expressed a desire to join the fracas.

Check out the brilliance:

After the brawl was over, Miami's players started jumping up and down with pride. You see, they'd successfully defended the Orange Bowl from big bad Florida International, a school who has had a football program for all of 4 seasons.

When play resumed, I sent a snide text to one of my friends at Miami - "classy team you got there." I expected him to express a bit of shame or embarrassment but instead, his reply read almost as if it was written by Lamar Thomas.

Hey, I suppose it's a Cane Thing and I wouldn't understand.

But something I do understand is that if this year's Miami was like Cane teams of old, FIU wouldn't have come up in the OB talkin noise. They would have taken their beating and gone home thankful to have played an elite program at the Orange Bowl.

Thing is, they didn't play an elite program; they played Larry Coker's Hurricanes. The same Hurricanes that lost to Florida State, got blown out at Papa John's Stadium, and aren't within miles of a ranking.

When you're suiting up against this bunch, it's a lot easier to walk into their house and disrespect them because the Canes aren't the Canes anymore. Sure, the fight helped reclaim their badboy image, but the most important things that have defined The U - style, swagger, and great football - have been lost for 5 years. And in times like these, indignance in the face of disrespect is simply not permitted.

Hopefully, Lamar will figure that out before Comcast drops him like a sack of dirt.

Posted on 16 October 2006 | Filed under: Audio & Video , NCAA | Comments (16) | AIM Me

Former Virginia Governor Mark Warner announced that he will not seek the Democratic presidential nomination in 2008.

Warner said he wanted to be able to put his family ahead of his political career, which means I won't be able to put this bumper sticker on my car and convince others that I'm making a run to be the first female half-Apache, half-white Jew with UK citizenship in the White House...

Thanks for robbing me, Mark! Jerk. 

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UPDATE: I had a serious blonde moment afternoon and neglected to mention that today's (yesterday's, rather) smart ass comments on various happenings in sport can be found on SportsbyBrooks. A couple will look familiar but there are some other good nuggets to be found, including:

• I'm putting my panties on lockdown thanks to Dennis Rodman
• Anti-Chief Illiniwek cabal seeks to sabotage Illini recruiting by encouraging them to attend a school that doesn't bag on Indians
• Keyshawn Johnson gets catty about Randy Moss
• Perfect NFL gift for the trashy girl in your life
  
• Mama McNabb finds the internets!
• Charles Rogers says the Detroit Lions treated him like his ex-girlfriend
• UT asks screeching fan to pipe down
• ESPN goes out of its way to make the masses dread Monday Night Football
• A-Rodsucks.com - up for auction at eBay
• Paul Robinson channels Charlie Brown
• Men are more likely to delay going to the ER for injury if sports are on TV

Posted on 13 October 2006 | Filed under: Shallow Observations | Comments (6) | AIM Me

In ESPN's endless coverage of the Cory Lidle tragedy, it looks like they forgot to follow up on one little detail...

Once again, ESPN, nice lookin out. 

Posted on 12 October 2006 | Filed under: Down With ESPN! | Comments (5) | AIM Me

Is it too soon to purchase FireSteveMcLaren.com? I'm a livid fan and have to take one of two cliched paths to make my feelings known to all of England. I'd pen an impassioned petition to rally the furious, overreacting masses but I simply haven't the time. Then again, I could cancel this post... that could free up a tick or two.

For the Americans who last heard "soccer" during the World Cup uninformed, the Three Lions went down in horrifying fashion to Croatia at the Euro 2008 qualifier in Zagreb. This loss comes on the heels of a dismal performance in the goalless draw against Macedonia at Old Trafford last Saturday.

Before Saturday, we were all but assured a stroll into the 2008 Championships but thanks to Steve McLaren's tactical jackassery and our squad playing like a team from MLS, we are now in for a fight.

On the eve of Zagreb, "Graham Taylor, The Revenge" preached about "character... pride... passion... attitude... an English performance." And though the lads failed to accomplish four of the goals, they came through in the "English performance" department in typical fashion, setting a new low for shame.

With a switch to a 3-5-2, we were likely doomed before the match began. No player had a real grasp or level of comfort in the nuances of the formation. We were tentative, predictable, and treated the ball as if it was infected with plague. Meanwhile, Croatia, who remains undefeated in competition in Zagreb, ripped and ran all over our bumbling defense.

The horror show began early on, as Brazilian-born striker Eduardo pounced on a through ball, evaded Jamie Carragher, and ripped a strike into the hands of Paul Robinson after only six minutes. Somehow, Robbo, our only saving grace in this debacle (no pun intended), held on for the duration of the first half and kept the score at nil.

But in the second half, the home side continued to turn the screw and in the 61st minute, John Terry was caught in no-man's land as Eduardo got a head on the ball. It looped over Robinson and nestled into the net for a one-goal lead.

I'd like to say that things went down hill from there but the game was an aberration long before the Croats took the lead. 

In the 68th minute, we suffered a savagely unfortunate own goal from - brace yourself - Gary Neville

Neville - the only bloke with 100 caps who couldn't hit the ocean from the beach - finally managed a score in England colours and it's an own goal.

His seemingly innocuous backpass hit a divot in the pitch and bobbled just as Robinson moved in to clear it.

Robbo, along with the rest of us, could only watch in horror as the ball trickled across the line.

From there, the outcome was sealed. In a move smacking with desperation, the skipper made a triple substitution, sending on Kieran Richardson, Shaun Wright-Phillips, and Jermain Defoe for Peter Crouch, Scott Parker, and Jamie Carragher. Predictably, nothing changed.

At first, I was positively vexed by this result but now taking Saturday into consideration, I suppose we should have seen foreseen such a disaster and lubed up and bent over ahead of time.

New era, my arse. 

Even during the Sven-Goran Error, we had four years of relative contentment in qualifiers before facing abject humiliation at the hands of Northern Ireland. How long have we had McLaren? Four months? This rat bastard's overhaul was supposed to produce a faster, feistier England! Where is it? In five matches, we have had two palsied efforts in a row, proving to me that he remains part of the problem, not the solution. 

While it's true that McLaren can't score the goals and make the tackles himself, the tosser promised us a gameplan that would replace conservatism and pussified finesse with the power and speed of true English football.

Instead, all he has brought Britannia is tactical incompetence.

What were we doing with three central defenders in Rio Fredinand, Jamie Carragher, and John Terry, and Gary Neville and Ashley Cole out wide?? Why were our wing-backs, full-backs? They were as threatening as a rubber hose. Why were Frank Lampard and Michael Carrick (Manure's £18m man could only show less urgency in possession if he actually fell asleep on the ball) playing heavy defense instead of trying to attack? We're not Italy! If you're going to run a three-man defense, make it with the offense in mind! Give us a central defender that works in tandem with two fullbacks, while two others float on the wings. Is that so wrong, you know, to try to score?? And where was the width? Where was the attack, pace, and penetration? Why was a fit Shaun Wright-Phillips on the bench until it was too late? And where was the bloody 4-4-2? Saying we played 3-5-2 is complete bollocks! It was 5-3-2 at best and 8-1-1 when we were bending over for a proper rogering!

WHY WHY WHY, STEVE MCLAREN?!?! 

Croatia is a second-tier European football club with top-tier racist fans and we made them look like world-beaters.

Posted on 12 October 2006 | Filed under: Football (Soccer) | Comments (15) | AIM Me

Well, it looks like retirement was too hectic because Jay's back with Kingdom Come, his comeback album that is scheduled to drop on November 21.

With his single "Show Me What You Got" leaked to the internet and now getting radio play, it was time to go to work with the visuals. And what better place for the most prolific and successful American rapper of the last decade to turn than the world of auto racing?

The video, shot in Monaco by F. Gary Gray (Friday, The Negotiator, TLC's Waterfalls), opens with Jay-Z riding shotgun with Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Whether they'll drive past a billboard for Wrangler Jeans in the video remains to be seen.

The boys rip and run through the infamously treacherous Monegasque roads in a Ferrari but have to share the road with another driver -- Danica Patrick.

I imagine 007 shenanigans ensue. 

But soon enough, the fun ends, as Jay ditches Junior (I'm guessing they ran Danica off a cliff) for ladies, speed boats, and the ocean. From there, the video transitions to an exclusive resort where he gets involved in a high-stakes game of poker and passes on the now-boycotted Cristal for a bottle of Veuve Clicquot.

...

I can almost buy the Danica Patrick/Jay-Z collaboration. Jay wanted a slick, James Bond-esque video involving fast cars and a classy yet badass Bond girl. If he wants someone who actually knows how to operate a vehicle at high speeds and look cute while doing it, who else is he going to ask? Sarah Fisher?

And Danica, who has graced the cover of dozens of magazines, hosted tv shows, and acted as the spokeswoman for various products, can only increase her celebrity and marketability by dipping into the world of hip-hop.

It's win-win for both. But how did Junior get involved?

I understand having a female counterpart but when you're trying to be Casino Royale, why make yourself the sidekick to a guy who thinks "shaken not stirred" are directions found on the back of a bottle of Valvoline?

I'll submit that aside from Jeff Gordon, Dale is the most recognizable and marketable face in American racing; he also seems like a pretty cool guy. But he is sponsored by Budweiser, Bass Pro Shops, and Menards. On my way home from dinner last night, I passed a billboard featuring the line "Grrrr-8 discounts at Menards!" To the left was Earnhardt feigning enthusiasm for the landscaping products pictured in the foreground.

Something about that just doesn't feel very '007 meets Roc-A-Fella' to me. But it will work and it will own - something one can always expect when Jay-Z is involved.

Disclaimer: I have nothing but respect for Dale Earnhardt Jr as a driver, personality, and businessman. This coupling of two distinctly different worlds will not only result in a cool video, it will also serve to be a great business moves for all involved parties. However, I'm terribly amused by the fact that the fact that Little E will now be a fixture on BET will surely send millions of Jim Bob Cooters out there into a total frenzy. This amusement will only be trumped by the obnoxious glee felt when Jay-Z announces his entry into the world of stock car ownership.

Posted on 11 October 2006 | Filed under: Racing & Cycling | Comments (12) | AIM Me

Bevo XIII, the longest serving mascot of the Texas Longhorns, passed into the great beyond today at the deliciously tender age of 22.

After being crowned a National Champion show steer, Bevo began serving as UT mascot in 1988 and saw two coaches - David McWilliams and John Mackovic - go down in flames before the Mack Brown Era began in 1998. 

His distinctive markings made him one of the most recognizable icons for the University of Texas.

Some highlights of his career include the "Shock the World" tour, a Big 12 Championship, Ricky Williams' Heisman campaign, a 28-10 beatdown of Oklahoma, the 2000 Presidential Inauguration, and the 1999 Big 12 Championship game where he unloaded his scorn on the Nebraska logo after the Cornhuskers defeated the Longhorns 22-6.

After a fulfilling career, Bevo retired to the fields to get beefed up proper. And if my understanding of aging beef is correct, a Bevo XIII Appreciation Dinner can be scheduled for, oh, 10 days out.

Posted on 10 October 2006 | Filed under: NCAA | Comments (6) | AIM Me

Boxing is far and away my favorite sport, so I tuned in to HBO on Saturday night with a fair amount of drunken enthusiasm to watch Nikolai Valuev, history’s largest heavyweight champion, in his American debut against lowly Monte Barrett.

Valuev, who is now controlled by Don King, was looking to legitimize his reign by beating a relatively known fighter in Chicago while keeping his chase for Rocky Marciano's undefeated record in tact.

• Side note: It is absolutely disgusting to me that Valuev is 4 fights away from Marciano's record having padded his own with bums and tomato cans at every step of the way. Keep in mind that Valuev has fought no one - not even Wladimir Klitsccko or Calvin Brock. The last heavyweight to come close to Marciano was Larry Holmes, who went 48-0 before losing to Michael Spinks in 1985. Twenty of the fights in that streak were title defenses against the likes of Muhammed Ali, Ernie Shavers, and Gerry Cooney - you know, real fighters. But let's get back on topic...
  

Monte "Two Gunz" Barrett, who hadn't fought in 14 months and also stood nine inches shorter and 106 pounds lighter than Valuev, was the perfect schmuck for this campaign and it showed straight away.

I know HBO said this was boxing and with Jim Lampley, the braindead Larry Merchant, and Michael Buffer in place, it certainly looked like it should have been boxing. But what we were treated to wasn't boxing; it was some type of David & Goliath battle between the Missing Link and an able-bodied but sluggish man from the 21st century.

The best thing I can liken it to is Westley's wrestling match with Fezzik (Andre the Giant) in The Princess Bride, except, in the end, Barrett wasn't able to jump on Valuev's back and disable him with a sleeper hold.

Things started well enough, as Barrett rocked Valuev with a looping overhand right that caused the champ's legs to buckle. But Two Gunz most effective shot proved to be his last, as he immediately retreated into this ridiculous strategy of throwing sloppy right hands and holding on for dear life. And while he tried to actually fight the Russian for about a minute in the fourth round, the match was all Valuev. What's sad is Valuev wasn't doing anything remarkable... he looked belabored to actually lift his hands up to fight but showed that it's not too hard to beat a man down when your bunches, by default, land in the middle of your opponent's noggin.

By the 8th round, things were a mess, as Barrett got dropped to the canvas for the first time with a short right. It happened again - twice actually - in the 11th when Valuev put all of his might into another right and then again later on with a solid left.

Sadly, that was all she wrote.

I was hoping that Valuev would rise to the occasion in this fight even though his opponent had never managed to rise to the occasional in any major bout but this wasn't even close.

There are currently four heavyweight titleholders running around and this one might be the most limited of the bunch (and of all time).

With a repetoire consisting solely of stamina, I imagine you could go back in time, kidnap Cro-Magnon man, and even after you took away his club, he'd be just as good. 

What a colossal waste of time this turned out to be. Had I known we were about to be treated to 11 rounds of sloppy, painfully unskilled fighting, I would have flipped over to ESPN for a couple episodes of "The Contender."

Posted on 9 October 2006 | Filed under: Boxing | Comments (7) | AIM Me

My desire for these has nothing to do with the Detroit Tigers' victory, my wish to tattoo "I told you so" onto the foreheads of every Yankee fan that told me I wasn't worthy of being one because I didn't believe in the $205M experiment, or anything else related to baseball. 

I'd just like a pair for the weekends.

Hattip: The Futon Report

Posted on 7 October 2006 | Filed under: MLB , New York Yankees | Comments (8) | AIM Me

A few days ago, I fell into a funk and found myself simultaneously bored and lazy. It was unfortunate. But eventually, I transitioned from bored and lazy to just lazy and decided to waste some time with the internets.

While checking out the online store at TerrellOwens.com, something caught my eye -- popcorn. "TO's Exotic Popcorn Getcha Popcorn Ready" popcorn, to be exact. And yes, all of that is the name. One can get 3-1 pound bags of mix and match flavors that sound about as nauseating as all the coverage that whining tart has received all week -- Blackberry Brandy, Fruit Fantasy, Banana, Salt & Vinegar... mmmm, right?

Sure.

I don't mean to add to the T.O. overkill that's out there but this stuff cracks me up. So if you've had enough Owens coverage, click away now.

Still around? Good. Let's roll through some other absurdly priced, obnoxious items that could only be found at TO.com:

• An autographed copy of "T.O." for an appropriately priced $81.00 [Buy the unautographed copy on Amazon for $16.50 (or less)]
• The Fan Club package for $59.00, which gets you a hat, 4 plastic cups, and 5 "free" downloads of his craptastic rap single, "I'm Back." What 5 free downloads gets one fan is anyone's guess, as typically people only download an item once. But I'm sure TO has a perfectly rationalization for this.
  
• Autographed football marked down from $249 to $199. I can do the "Buy it now" on eBay and get a mounted, autographed Jerry Rice ball for $179. T.O., sir, you are no Jerry Rice.
• The Philadelphia Eagles Terrell Owens player replica mini helmet - and it's autographed too! Surprisingly, the price has been knocked down from $129 to that magic number of $81. Perfect for Philly fans looking for something to shoot bullets at during Sundays game.
• Blue & Silver "Terrell Owens" wristbands. It seems T.O. missed the boat on why people have wristbands (you know, that whole charity thing). The $10 you spend on a wristband, however, will give 10 more reasons to be alive.

+

In other news, head over to SportsByBrooks and take a gander at a few of my musings for the day. They include:

• Koren Robinson manages the longest drive of the Packers season
• Something interesting happens to Barry Bonds when he doesn't shave his head
• Johnny Drama spotted at Shea Stadium, according to Steve Lyons
• The Seven Deadly Sins are shaping the Super Bowl chase
• Philly fans craft Terrell Owens haikus
• and many more...

Posted on 6 October 2006 | Filed under: NFL , SportsbyBrooks | Comments (6) | AIM Me

I'm going to preface this brief post by saying that Eric Byrnes seems like a really good guy. I watched him and Barry Zito play some shoddy "how well do you know your teammate" game on ESPN a couple summers ago and he told the host that Zito's most odd physical feature was his "womanly, child-bearing hips."

When told of the comment later, Zito blushed and Byrnes giggled like a 15-year-old who knows you're about to sit on a whoopee cushion.

It was cute. I was amused.

But this, boys and girls, is neither amusing nor cute!

(Picture Courtesy of GC at Can't Stop the Bleeding)

Look, I get that Byrnes is probably a free-spirit mountain man type. He probably likes to ride four wheelers around the tundra, eat hearty stews, and thumb through the North Face catalog for the latest in rugged gear. And when you're a guy like this, taming your unkempt locks probably goes against your principles. That's fair.

But when your agent says, "Hey Eric, you're gonna go to ESPN and share your opinions during the playoffs as the resident player/analyst," you make yourself presentable.

You don't want a haircut? Fine. You don't want any mousse or gel or styling product that'll have you looking like Barry Melrose? Okay. But look like you bathed. Look like there isn't a nest of bees hiding behind your right ear. Look like you didn't just wander off the set of Harry and the Hendersons.

I hate to be harsh here, Eric, but we've got to do better. 

As for ESPN, nice lookin out! For years they've managed to tone down Stuart Scott's dead eye from freakish to unnerving, hide Chris Berman's dorsal fin and Killer Whale markings, and make Tony Reali look more like a human being instead of a plastic man.

They clearly care about the appearance of people on their programs. With Byrnes showing up like this, do they mean to tell us that no one on the set was able to pass him a comb, brush, pick, or even a barrette over the commercial break? Now, maybe they tried and it got stuck or broke off at the handle.. I suppose I can accept that. But when I tune in tomorrow, my hope is that they'll have done their due diligence and fixed this issue.

Having said that, when has anyone in Bristol done their due diligence?

All we (or maybe I since I might be the only person caring about this) can really hope is that Eric Byrnes has a girlfriend who bothered to tune in to watch her man in his analyst debut. I can't imagine she was anything other than horrified and embarrassed and will have this turned around in short order.

That is, unless, she's into the Neanderthal thing.

Posted on 4 October 2006 | Filed under: Down With ESPN! , MLB | Comments (12) | AIM Me

I grew up unintentionally rooting for nearly every team the masses love to hate courtesy of my father's brainwashing. Though a Chiricahua Apache, he was raised an orphan on the Mescalero Reservation and since there was no television, his sports knowledge revolved solely around a couple books an elder let him read about Mickey Mantle, Alabama football, and Jim Thorpe.

So when my grandparents adopted him, my Zayde's passions - namely, the Oakland Raiders - became his own. And in the time between his adoption and my birth, my father saw the Silver & Black go to the playoffs ten times, play the chump to the Pittsburgh Steelers three times, and win the Super Bowl twice.

Soon after I came along, it was Super Bowl time yet again. Clad in a Jack Tatum onesie, I attended Tampa Stadium with my family and slept soundly while the Raiders completely annihilated the Washington Redskins to win Super Bowl XVIII 38-9.

This marks the last time the Oakland Raiders won the Super Bowl. I only wish I'd been old enough to recognize and remember it, as I might live another 150 years and not see us win another.

Look, I know - I'm being melodramatic. I've never felt true pain like fans of the Bills, Browns, and other agony-inducing losers. I don't know suffering where the NFL is concerned (you all know about my misery as a tortured England fan). And while these losing years have been irritating, three seasons ago I was skipping practice to attend Super Bowl XXXVII. I have no right to complain.

But I'm allowed to make an observation, right? ... and maybe whine a little?  

Thanks! 

As most of you know, I've been openly wishing for Al Davis to die for nearly two years but I now realize that this won't solve the Raiders' woes. Even if he kicks off tomorrow afternoon, the Raiders will be in the abyss for years to come because the way the team is run won't change after he's gone. How can it?

The Raiders organization and fanbase have long been under the delusion that this team doesn't rebuild, it reloads. When my dad was first becoming a fan, that was certainly true, but nowadays, that belief is folly.

I used to think that Al Davis' decisions were based on misprioritizing wants over needs and that he was only interested in the big splash. But I now see that it's really a case of overconfidence. If you ask him, the Raiders are only a couple players away, and if we can just add those missing cogs to the gear, domination won't be far behind.

When you think you're in that situation, there's no reason to consider a rebuilding effort. And I'll give credit where it's due - that formula worked for twenty years, but nowadays, the cost of picking up guys like Warren Sapp and Randy Moss have only served in making things go from bad to worse to impossibly frightful.

The Moss signing epitomizes this doomed approach.

In early 2005, Oakland was (and still remains) in dire need of linebackers, safeties, and offensive linemen. I was looking forward to those holes being filled through free agency and the draft but then ESPN had breaking news - Randy Moss had joined the fold! Hello, Playoffs! But looking back, I can't understand how the organization was so short-sighted.

We had recently re-signed Jerry Porter to a ridiculous contract and he, along with Doug Gabriel, Ronald Curry, and Johnnie Morant, made up a competent receiving corps. Why pile on with Moss? I'm the first to admit that I saw 40-point games and an 11-5 record in the stars but having the best receiver in the league is pretty useless when our incompetent quarterback can't stay on his feet long enough to throw the ball.

Hindsight is always 20/20 but we lost far more than we gained, as a former and future first rounder went to the Vikings. It wasn't enough that we shipped off linebacker Napoleon Harris, that #7 pick could have been Shawne Merriman or Demarcus Ware or David Pollack - all of whom would have filled a dire need. Instead we have the still interception-less Fabian Washington and a future Hall of Famer that wastes his Sundays running routes with no destination.

Signing players like Moss under the delusion that it's the key to the Promised Land creates unrealistic expectations, both for the organization and the fans. This, in turn, heaps an incredible amount of pressure on the head coach. And when you're dealing with mediocre coaching talents like Norv Turner, Bill Callahan, Joe Bugel, and Mike White, this is a recipe for disaster, as they fail to meet expectations in short order. Soon enough they get the boot, making the new coach a lame duck before he's through the turnstyle.

If you're a player in this chaotic, unstable situation, how can you respect the coach or the organization? How can you buy into the system of a man who may be gone in a season's time? How can you make yourself care in an environment that breeds such a losing mentality? I know, as professionals, they're supposed live and die for their team no matter the situation in which they find themselves but that's not reality anymore. It's not 1972.

The Raiders spent 40 years mortgaging the future to create a winning franchise but sticking to that method for so long lead us to this sad state of affairs. It will take a serious change in policy in Oakland after Al's gone for things to improve.

Good thing I'm young. This could be quite a wait. 

+ By the way, Ahmad "Highway 28" Carroll was released today. I've got $500 says that we sign him tomorrow. Who's game?

Posted on 3 October 2006 | Filed under: NFL , Oakland Raiders | Comments (7) | AIM Me

Following their game with Notre Dame last week, a few Michigan State players stood near the 50-yard-line, guarding it from a possible revenge flag planting attempt by the Irish. But with the Notre Dame players too busy singing the Alma Mater with students in a far corner of the stadium, nothing came to pass.

• MLB works with TiVo to boost sales on the West Coast just in time for the playoffs
• Florida State outsources responsibility for the Warchant and other songs for the NC State game this weekend
• Taking a cue from Florida Gators Frosted Flakes, John L. Smith has his own new cereal
• The Atlanta Braves finally knock a team out of the playoffs
• Eva Longoria and Tony Parker break-up... look for Eva on the sidelines of the newest version of the NBA's next great thing in coming weeks
• What do Roger Clemens, soccer moms, and teenage girls that love Laguna Beach have in common?
• Dusty Baker concedes defeat and takes the blame because "someone has to." Pryor and Wood would smack him in the face if they could lift their arms above their shoulders
• and many more...

Posted on 2 October 2006 | Filed under: Audio & Video , SportsbyBrooks | Comments (7) | AIM Me

The Mighty Arsenal defeated Charlton United yesterday courtesy of a brilliant brace from Robin Van Persie. His brilliance overshadowed what can only be described as a curious mixture of the sublime and the ugly that could have easily been 2-2 as 1-6. As it happens, thanks in part to van Persie and Charlton's own ineptitude, it was neither and the great Arsene was able to celebrate 10 years in charge with a win to haul the lads out of the mid-table ruck.

As you can see here, the Dutchman's strike was technical perfection. Van Persie, arriving like a man late for work, had two options: manage a speculative header or go for the impossible by bringing the ball under control with a shoulder-high volley from short range.

He went for the impossible and Scott Carson had no chance.

To hit the ball that cleanly with that pace while flying through the air like Carl Lewis is an incredible skill, but to do so with such a supreme measure of accuracy and level of control is positively sublime.

Posted on 1 October 2006 | Filed under: Arsenal FC , Audio & Video , Football (Soccer) | Comments (5) | AIM Me