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Croatia 2 - 0 England
For the Before Saturday, we were all but assured a stroll into the 2008 Championships but thanks to Steve McLaren's tactical jackassery and our squad playing like a team from MLS, we are now in for a fight. On the eve of Zagreb, "Graham Taylor, The Revenge" preached about "character... pride... passion... attitude... an English performance." And though the lads failed to accomplish four of the goals, they came through in the "English performance" department in typical fashion, setting a new low for shame. With a switch to a 3-5-2, we were likely doomed before the match began. No player had a real grasp or level of comfort in the nuances of the formation. We were tentative, predictable, and treated the ball as if it was infected with plague. Meanwhile, Croatia, who remains undefeated in competition in Zagreb, ripped and ran all over our bumbling defense. The horror show began early on, as Brazilian-born striker Eduardo pounced on a through ball, evaded Jamie Carragher, and ripped a strike into the hands of Paul Robinson after only six minutes. Somehow, Robbo, our only saving grace in this debacle (no pun intended), held on for the duration of the first half and kept the score at nil. But in the second half, the home side continued to turn the screw and in the 61st minute, John Terry was caught in no-man's land as Eduardo got a head on the ball. It looped over Robinson and nestled into the net for a one-goal lead. I'd like to say that things went down hill from there but the game was an aberration long before the Croats took the lead.
Neville - the only bloke with 100 caps who couldn't hit the ocean from the beach - finally managed a score in England colours and it's an own goal. His seemingly innocuous backpass hit a divot in the pitch and bobbled just as Robinson moved in to clear it. Robbo, along with the rest of us, could only watch in horror as the ball trickled across the line. From there, the outcome was sealed. In a move smacking with desperation, the skipper made a triple substitution, sending on Kieran Richardson, Shaun Wright-Phillips, and Jermain Defoe for Peter Crouch, Scott Parker, and Jamie Carragher. Predictably, nothing changed. At first, I was positively vexed by this result but now taking Saturday into consideration, I suppose we should have seen foreseen such a disaster and lubed up and bent over ahead of time. New era, my arse. Even during the Sven-Goran Error, we had four years of relative contentment in qualifiers before facing abject humiliation at the hands of Northern Ireland. How long have we had McLaren? Four months? This rat bastard's overhaul was supposed to produce a faster, feistier England! Where is it? In five matches, we have had two palsied efforts in a row, proving to me that he remains part of the problem, not the solution. While it's true that McLaren can't score the goals and make the tackles himself, the tosser promised us a gameplan that would replace conservatism and pussified finesse with the power and speed of true English football. Instead, all he has brought Britannia is tactical incompetence. What were we doing with three central defenders in Rio Fredinand, Jamie Carragher, and John Terry, and Gary Neville and Ashley Cole out wide?? Why were our wing-backs, full-backs? They were as threatening as a rubber hose. Why were Frank Lampard and Michael Carrick (Manure's £18m man could only show less urgency in possession if he actually fell asleep on the ball) playing heavy defense instead of trying to attack? We're not Italy! If you're going to run a three-man defense, make it with the offense in mind! Give us a central defender that works in tandem with two fullbacks, while two others float on the wings. Is that so wrong, you know, to try to score?? And where was the width? Where was the attack, pace, and penetration? Why was a fit Shaun Wright-Phillips on the bench until it was too late? And where was the bloody 4-4-2? Saying we played 3-5-2 is complete bollocks! It was 5-3-2 at best and 8-1-1 when we were bending over for a proper rogering! WHY WHY WHY, STEVE MCLAREN?!?! Croatia is a second-tier European football club with top-tier racist fans and we made them look like world-beaters.  Posted at October 12, 2006 2:43 PM Permalink • Filed under: Football (Soccer) |
Is it too soon to purchase FireSteveMcLaren.com? I'm a livid fan and have to take one of two cliched paths to make my feelings known to all of England. I'd pen an impassioned petition to rally the furious, overreacting masses but I simply haven't the time. Then again, I could cancel this post... that could free up a tick or two.
In the 68th minute, we suffered a savagely unfortunate own goal from - brace yourself - Gary Neville
Comments (15): Croatia 2 - 0 England
Britton Jagger
October 12, 2006 4:29 PM
Well, at least the bloke is taking the blame. I suppose it's the least he can do since he can't manage to do anything else in proper order.
I imagine we'll squeeze through to the Euros but we are still fucked.
Shiloh
October 12, 2006 6:08 PM
Considering that we are without Hargreaves, Cole, Lennon, and Gerrard, I wasn't expecting to get through Croatia with a clean sheet but I could have never imagined this ghastly result. Just like Sven, McLaren asks players to operate in positions not suited to their skills. They didn't play well to be sure but they weren't put on the pitch with a winning strategy either.
McLaren and his apologists can go shit in a hat. Fucking cunts.
Coren Lupen
October 12, 2006 7:19 PM
Our biggest problem (McLaren aside) is that we lack depth. We're blessed with an all-word XI and bottom-feeding replacements. You can't expect to dominate when Kieran Richardson is one of the bloody replacements!
Gavin Norris
October 12, 2006 7:50 PM
This was a fucking embarrassment. We have no one worthy of being called manager and we have no pride. I am disgusted.
Erik
October 12, 2006 11:21 PM
I'm new to this soccer thing, but so far I have learned this: The World Cup is more important than life, England's fans hate everything, everywhere, all the time, because of David Beckham, Ana Spice, and whoever happens to be the poor bastard heading up the English national team at the moment. Also, British people use the word "cunt" and its derivatives quite frequently when discussing the English national football team. How am I doing so far?
Toxic
October 13, 2006 7:45 AM
McClaren's been a bit too preoccupied with more important matters.
You know he needs to get his ginger quiff to cover the bald patch, get the teeth done, got to come up with a new set of buzzwords and phrases and go over his script with his psychologist and Max Clifford and the ex-Sun reporter on staff and the numerous FA media types.
By the time all that's done there's no time for tactics formation, finding out about players that aren't ManUre or ex-ManUre.
Silver
October 13, 2006 8:31 AM
I don't think Shiloh and Flash can help it, Eric. The need to scream the c-word at everyone is in their genetic code. And whenever I see anyone else say it around here, I just assume that they're also a relative :)
Silver
October 13, 2006 8:35 AM
Did McLaren do any coaching in any of the leagues or was he just promoted from an assistant's role on the national team?
Toxic
October 13, 2006 10:23 AM
McClaren was assistant at Oxford, Derby then to Alex Ferguson at ManUre then took over the head job at Middlesbrough five years back.
And christ it was a chore to watch 'Boro be inept as they somehow got to the UEFA Cup final last year.
Oh and as I'm English - he's a cunt.
Britton Jagger
October 13, 2006 12:16 PM
They were on the brink of mutiny in all his time at Boro as well. How they slipped into the UEFA Cup final is absolutely baffling.
Toxic
October 14, 2006 7:42 AM
Yup, the comebacks in the quarters & semis was down to Southgate, Hasselbaink, Viduka telling the ginger twat to fuck off and they'd run it themselves.
Nathan Arrington
October 14, 2006 8:11 PM
I just don't get how the guy got hired then. It sounds like you guys were better off with the Swedish dude.
Toxic
October 15, 2006 8:17 AM
He got hired because the idiots at the FA know fuck all about football, they kept being told by the media that after Sven it needed to be an Englishman - Same media that told us Kevin Keegan was the answer back in '99 - and he was seen as the best of a bad lot because they over looked Peter Taylor and only thought of Allardyce and Curbishley as candidates.
Also as Sven is still being payed £13,000 a day and the £800m being spent on the new Wembley has dented the FA coffers the odious little twat in charge wanted the cheap option.
Adam Castro
October 16, 2006 3:03 PM
So how long are you guys stuck with him, Toxic? Is there a way the FA can get out of the contract in a year's time or is this gonna go on for a couple years or more?
Toxic
October 17, 2006 7:27 AM
Well it was a four year deal he signed but there is talk of a two year get out clause if we don't qualify for Euro 2008 or get there and are shite.
So it looks like two years as the FA won't want to be paying two ex-managers while looking for another.