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I'm Driving a Lesbian CarSo I was in line at Subway last night when I noticed some random woman eyeballing me. Initially, I didn't think anything of it. People stare at others for a myriad of reasons... you could have something on your face or look familiar or just happen to be standing in a line of unfocused sight. All was well until she caught my eye again, winked at me, and mouthed out a "hi there." I thought I smiled back or tried to anyway. Whether it actually happened is anyone's guess. What I know for certain is that the nutritional information of the Honey Oat and Monterrey Cheddar breads had never been so intriguing. I stared straight ahead and sidestepped my way down the line. I'd just paid when I heard, "Roasted chicken breast, huh? I've never tried that. I really like this new cajun steak they've got goin." It was the woman. And she was a lot more scary than the first time I tried to ignore her. As a lot of you know, I'm a bit of a runt with a serious Napoleon complex and a lot of pent up aggression. I'm just aching for any perceived slight, any comment that will send me off the deep end. But when I get hit on by a 5'11, 220-pound, woman that's sporting a mullet, a Harley Davidson sweatshirt, and a box of Camels in her hand, I get intimidated and shut down. What's bizarre is that this doesn't happen with men. Save one, every man in my life has exceeded 6'3 and 200 pounds because, frankly, I like a guy with the ability to throw me around. So size wasn't an issue. And if I'm getting eyeballed by some chump, I either have fun with or ignore it altogether. So it's not like I clam up and struggle to function when things like that occur. But when a woman enters the picture, I come up woefully short in avoidance management and have no explanation for it. "You're a doll. A blonde with dimples. What's your name?"It felt very Joey "How you doin" Tribiani. And I'll admit, the flattery was nice but her intensity made me uncomfortable and I wanted to respond like this: Instead, I muttered a thank you and hung my head, already defeated and completely vexed by her inability to notice my extreme state of discomfort. She started in on the small talk. I don't know how long it lasted but eventually, she mentioned Sawyer & AJ. "Are either of those guys a.. boyfriend?" "Roommates." A boyfriend claim would've ended this situation but I'm braindead and screwed myself. "Ohhh, right. I used to have a guy roommate too. So I was noticing your hair! You've got that cheerleader ponytail. Are you a cheerleader for ND or something?" Suddenly, things changed. It was time to get aggressive. If you're gonna hit on me and make me feel small, fine. You're a gigantic woman who might throw me over your shoulder and take me to the cave if I don't tread lightly and I acknowledge your ability to do that. But don't think that you can insult me with comments like that and get away with it! I'll have to die fighting! "Well I don't know what you expect. You came in that Jeep and that's as much a sign as anything! You look about 16 anyway. Go home to your mommy. Brat!" I am a brat, so no offense was taken but what did the sign talk mean? To the best of my knowledge, lesbians drive Subarus, Hondas, and pickups. I wasn't aware that Jeeps were in the mix. When I got home, I hit The Google and sure enough, on the Ultimate Gay & Lesbian Cars list:
Even more astonishing is that my car shows up on the gay male list as well!
But why does it come with such an extreme stereotype? Further, why didn't I hear about it prior to last night? If I drove a Subaru Outback to WNBA games, I'd pull out the Jump to Conclusions Mat myself, so the lot of you could leap all over it. But I drive a Jeep Wrangler with two non-factory accessories - a Doors sticker and a chrome decal. That shouldn't be an indictment on my sexual orientation... should it?  Posted at October 26, 2006 1:19 PM Permalink • Filed under: Personal |
Ya know, I don't care that gays and lesbians are big on the Jeep Wrangler. As far as I'm concerned, it's a great car that should be enjoyed by many.
Comments (24): I'm Driving a Lesbian Car
Sawyer
October 26, 2006 2:21 PM
From where I was standing, she was trying to take a piece no matter what. The Wrangler was a false positive but I think she would have gone after you even if we'd driven up in a different car.
Joey Baker
October 26, 2006 2:47 PM
Silly bitch your weapons cannot harm me!!!
Nick
October 26, 2006 3:39 PM
Whenever I see a chick driving a Jeep, she's usually a pretty smokin. And the guys with Jeeps always seem like outdoorsy type dudes. The list makes it sound like really butch, scary broads and really flaming guys are the ones drving these things and I've never noticed that at all.
Jeff
October 26, 2006 5:22 PM
So lesbians like Subway, too?
Would you classify them as "Friends of Jared?"
In the words of Jon Lovitz: "JUST EAT THE SANDWICH!"
Katy
October 26, 2006 8:09 PM
lol She's probably been doing women that look as scary as she does. And you stroll in to Subway, get her hopes up with the possibility of the lipstick lesbian cheerleader fantasy actually coming true, and throw it all away!!! :)
McHaffey
October 26, 2006 9:58 PM
You left out the best part! What'd you say to her about the cheerleader stuff?!
Nathan Arrington
October 26, 2006 10:26 PM
If you ever decide to jump into that lesbian world, be sure to get pictures or video of the transformation for us :)
Amateur
October 26, 2006 10:33 PM
Hold on, hold on, what's this about Subarus? I drive a Subaru. And my wife picked it out! I don't like where this is going.
Hopefully the two "accessories" that ride in the back seat are solid proof of heterosexuality.
Adam Castro
October 27, 2006 12:54 AM
There might be something your wife isn't telling you, Amateur! :-)
Toxic
October 27, 2006 9:38 AM
Top notch Flash, getting hit on by mullet bint, damn funny, oh and Wrangler's are considered gay over here ;¬)
Shiloh
October 27, 2006 9:52 AM
Too true Toxic! And that's exactly why we make her leave it in the States when she comes home.
AwfulAnnouncing
October 27, 2006 12:18 PM
frankly, I like a guy with the ability to throw me around.
Great....now I won't be able to concentrate the rest of the day. Thanks.
Amateur
October 27, 2006 12:33 PM
Well, it's not an Outback or a Forrester, it's a Legacy wagon. Am I splitting hairs?
Also, I did once own a Jetta.
I think I'll just have to switch to a minivan.
The Pen
October 27, 2006 12:56 PM
Thanks for the humor this early in the morning (yes, it is morning I just woke up). I was completely unaware that Wranglers were some gay car. Frankly, every girl I know that drives one is hot, outgoing, and definitely not a lesbian as far as I know. Take the wrangler back for the straight people!
Brendan
October 27, 2006 4:04 PM
I dated a girl sophomore year that drove a Wrangler and she was a freak that liked trying to wrap handcuffs over the rollbar and lock me up. After a year of that, I will never accept that the Wrangler is a lesbian ride. Freaks? Yes. Chicks that like it rough? For sure. But not lesbians.
Erik
October 27, 2006 4:04 PM
LMAO! The awkwardness of that situation seems like something out of a Seinfeld episode. Most of the girls who drive Wranglers around here might have a reputation for bisexuality(or maybe that is just most girls around here that breathe), but none that I know of are hardcore lesbians. That big, lesbian bitch may have shown you an entirely knew side of womanhood, so to speak. Don't be so close-minded!
JD
October 27, 2006 9:56 PM
The broad had a point though. The dimples really are a killer.
Silver
October 28, 2006 10:13 PM
Do your research on the minivan Amateur. You dont want to get the one on the gay/lesbian families list :)
Anderson
October 29, 2006 3:53 PM
Jared starting to look like he needs to get back on the veggie sub. he's had too many delicious sam-wiches.
brady
October 29, 2006 11:14 PM
i love you flash warner AND your lesbo car!
Julius
October 30, 2006 12:47 PM
I always thought your Wrangler was a pretty tight ride. But I gotta put in with most everybody else.. I only see fine, athletic ladies in Jeeps, especially down here. Don't sweat that list baby girl.
Marcus
October 30, 2006 10:53 PM
Hey Warner, why didn't you just give the lezzie the number to the time & temp man the way you do when you blow the rest of us off at the bars on any given Thursday night?
moira
November 1, 2006 12:01 AM
and she was right. ur a doll and when u open ur mind a little, email me and we can arrange something. i will blow ur mind.
Mark Harold
November 1, 2006 12:27 AM
SWEET!!!
Break her down Moira! Make it happen!