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It's a Mony Mony Yuletide!Alright kids, it's been a week but I'm back and better than ever. Before I begin, thanks for the emails regarding Bret with one T. I feel much better about my reaction than I did a few days ago. The only somewhat negative feedback received was from my father, who was pretty sure I should have busted BWOT in the face but admired my restraint. And Boss, who thought I should have walked him off university property and then beaten him down to avoid a law suit. So let's move on.
If you don't recall, my uncle lost it when Idol came on tv during Dick Clark's Rockin Eve, shouting incessantly about Idol sleeping with his sister. When some genius pointed out that this happened about 9 months before I was born, the speculation was on. It turns out that he was talking about my aunt and not my mother but it took 5 minutes and some comments about my whitish hair and tendency to smirk and sneer to sort that out. Nothing like drunk adults to make a mess of things.
Happy Holidays features obvious tunes like Silver Bells, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Silent Night, and Frosty the Snowman ("This is Frosty the Snowman and we're not fucking around."), as well as self-written ditties Happy Holiday and Christmas Love. But what's insane about this whole thing (apart from the fact that it's actually happening) is that this cd has no touch of the Rebel Yell. There is no Mony Mony Yuletide. Sure, Idol rocks out but he does it with Perry Como's cock out, which is as sad as it is hilarious. You see, for Billy, a punk Christmas is bollocks. Christmas music is about the fireside, the family, and that whole feel-good warmth one gets while decorating the house with Christmas cheer. It shouldn't be about typical Billy Idol things like bringing it hard and tonguing it, which would probably make it more appealing for those of us on the Jew side of the fence. But those are the brokes, I guess. While many might think seeing Billy Idol jazz around like Pat Boone is a bit of a surprise, I think he's just seen Love Actually one too many times. How many of you have been duped into watching it? Most of you are men in their 20's and 30's, so I'd wager that it's a fairly high percentage. Don't be in denial - if there is a woman in your life, she has probably tried to force this on you... I know I've done it to my man (I love this movie!!). But for those who haven't used this film as a tool to get laid, Love Actually, set in London, follows nine interrelated tales of love during the frantic month before Christmas.One tale is that of Billy Mack, a washed-up, aging rock and roll legend that records a Christmas single based on The Troggs' hit "Love is All Around." Though his record is a steaming pile, it shoots to number one on Christmas Eve and Mack returns to fame and fortune. But instead of celebrating Christmas with celebrities and other stars, he returns to his manager's house (his only real family) and they spend the holiday getting drunk and watching porn. Frankly, this sounds like something Billy Idol would be involved in. And after this record shoots to #1 on Christmas (and it will because we Britons embrace horrible pop songs in spite of their badness), I hope he celebrates by bringing it hard and tonguing it or, at the very least, getting drunk and watching porn. I know I will be.  Posted at November 29, 2006 10:45 AM Permalink • Filed under: Shallow Observations |
For those around since the beginning, do you remember New Years two years ago when my Uncle Nat's drunken rant lead my family to momentarily believe I was the bastard child of Billy Idol? 
Comments (10): It's a Mony Mony Yuletide!
Matt
November 29, 2006 11:20 AM
Love Actually is a great movie! I wasn't duped into anything... the getting laid part is just a nice little bonus.
Hearing "Let us go get the shit kicked out of us by love" by a little boy is priceless
Koester
November 29, 2006 1:45 PM
If we're comparing you to what the child of 80's Idol would look like, I still think that if we paled your skin a few shades, you'd fit the bill :)
Scott
November 29, 2006 3:20 PM
I am officially frightened. What's the world coming to when Billy Idol can't go punk on Christmas?
Nathan Arrington
November 29, 2006 3:58 PM
this is a joke, right?
Erik
November 29, 2006 10:53 PM
What...what..the fuck?
Joey Baker
November 29, 2006 11:36 PM
haha sweet. I'm buying this shit tomorrow!
Atif
November 30, 2006 12:40 AM
My wife tricked me into watching Love Actually when we were still dating. I was just hoping to get laid for suffering through it but I actually ended up liking it.
Silver
November 30, 2006 9:45 AM
I think you're on to something.. a Christmas that's about bringing it on and tonguing it might bring thousands of us to be all about the holiday!
Toxic
November 30, 2006 10:03 AM
As New Year stories go that is one of the best, Idol was just pretend punk anyway...oh and never been dragged to see that flick, some folks know better, bah fucking humbug.
Isaac K.
November 30, 2006 3:52 PM
My wife and I have a Love Actually for blowjobs (which she up and stopped doing after we got married) exchange nowadays, so I'm not gonna complain about it. It's a necessary evil in my life.