Nov 13, 2006
Flash

Ron Artest Needs a Sex Tape

poor ronUnable to pick up fans while touring with Fat Joe (or engaging in any other endeavor), Nielsen Soundscan is reporting that Ron Artest’s debut album "My World" sold a huge 343 copies in its first week in stores.

Three hundred forty three and you know his mama bought 43 of them… poor thing.

With lyrics like "David Stern! Damn, David Stern. I gotta teach you bout the ghetto there’s some things you should learn" and "Matt Lauer, up on NBC. You look like a girl don’t talk to me," I really don’t know why he’s struggling out there.

Even more troubling is that Kevin Federline’s "Playing with Fire" outperformed "My World" with 6,000 copies sold in its debut. 

How does K-Fed sell anything? On first glance, you’d think he was a master marketer what with his ability to trick Britney Spears into marrying him and have his babies. But you can probably get her to follow you but leashing a bag of Cheetos and a Frappucino on a piece of string and pulling it back to your lair, so maybe he hasn’t accomplished as much as I thought.

But at least he can buy an iPod with his profits. All Artest will be good for is the Whopper with cheese value meal at Burger King and I don’t even know if he’ll be able to upgrade that to the King size.

This wouldn’t be the case if Artest had a sex tape that featured "My World" as the soundtrack. David Stern be damned; hear me out! 

We all know that sex sells no matter who is having it. Chyna and X-Pac proved as much when 40,000 people shelled out bones to watch him get it on with her micropenis.

Is Ron Artest more disgusting than those two? I submit that he is not. In fact, I bet there’s a huge market for porn featuring bad boys that rail girls on the edges of beds, tables, and counter tops because they’re too lazy to take off their Timberlands while knockin it out…

Oh please, like Ron Artest isn’t one of these guys. I’ve dated Timberland Boots Guy; Ron fits the mold.

Savor the Flavor!Anyway, the key to making a profit is Artest finding the right women. To save money, he should either ask Flavor of Love rejects or chicks he already knows – namely, groupies. The high quality girls won’t get on board without extreme demands like a million dollars and an unprotected sperm deposit. So he’ll have to get the low-rent girls that look like Pam from Martin. They’ll settle for $100/hour and the exposure and won’t be so offended by a money shot to the nose.

+ I know you think this is crazy but Flavor Flav has managed to get 20 women to fight for his affections – TWICE – at the cost of $100 per day + room and board. They also sign a waiver saying they won’t hold VH-1 or Flav responsible when he loads them up with STDs. You’re telling me Ron Artest can’t pull that off? The fact that he doesn’t look like a burnt turd with a gremlin face should make him a little more appealing.+ 

After the footage is shot and edited, enter marketing magic, stage left. 

First comes the clever title. I suggest "Tru Warier Nights" with a caption on the box that says "Ron Artest Hits it Like the Fist of an Angry God" … but that’s just me.

Next is the price and packaging. For $24.99, you get a DVD loaded with features and the soundtrack. Or you can download everything through the iTunes Music store for $17.99.

Federline Outsells ArtestThird – collaborate with Kevin Federline! Get him to throw a few My World tracks onto the Oops, I Did It Again "home movies" that he’s releasing in the event of a divorce from Britney Spears.

He’ll be down; he’ll want to team up with people who also suffer from lack of respect and constant boos from the masses. 

+ Side note – how predictable was a Britney Spears sex tape? Frankly, I expected one 15 months ago +

With a plan like this, who knows – in 2 or 3 years time, Ron Artest’s album might go gold! Someone needs to contact him about my plan.

7 Comments

  • My brother’s wife thinks he’s hot, as crazy as that is. I’ll bet she’d buy it.

  • I’m really looking forward downloading the Britney tape and not paying a dime. She was still hot when they got married right?

  • Clinton Portis would be all over this :)

  • I heard the shitbag is trying to sell it for $50M but he’ll let her have it for $30M and custody of their kids. This is what she gets for shacking up with trailer trash that has no job.

  • I’ve been looking forward to the Britney tape for 5 years! it’s about damn time!

  • That’d be some buckwild shit. They’d make a mint sellin it after Uncut on BET at 3 am!

  • I’m pretty sure New York would do it for free

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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.

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