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Valley Beats Bayside!I was in elementary school when Emmitt Smith won his first MVP and barely in college when he left the Cowboys. From my perspective, Emmitt Smith killed men by the hundreds. He consumed the fiercest and nastiest of NFL defenses with balls of fire from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. That must have been my youth talking. Over time, I caught a clue and realized that while Emmitt was an amazing running back, he wasn't the William Wallace of the gridiron (who could have done it all and more without the aid of that ridiculous O-line) and moved on to hold other men in absurdly high regard... I kinda forgot about Emmitt after that. So it happens that the secretaries in my office spent most of Wednesday squawking about the "Dancing with the Stars" finale. Clearly divided into Team Smith and Team Lopez, the ladies would break every 45 minutes to mull things over and eat a (few) danish. Which guy was sleeping with his partner? Which one had the sexier outfits? Who's better in bed? At one point, I chimed in and said that Emmitt clearly had the best outfits, what with taking his cues from the Freddie Mercury School of Fashion and all. They were not amused. In any case, I got home just before 8 and decided to tune in. What's the harm, right? After 10 minutes, I was sure that Mario Lopez would be the victor because I couldn't wrap my brain around the possibility that a person I once revered as more than a man could get in a dancing competition and proceed to out-gay Mario Lopez... But he did. It's like we're back at The Max or something, dueling for Kelly Kapowski's love.
 Posted at November 16, 2006 9:33 AM Permalink • Filed under: Audio & Video , Shallow Observations |
Comments (13): Valley Beats Bayside!
Critical Sports Blog
November 16, 2006 9:37 AM
Yeah. He's now dead to me after that performance. Emmitt who?
Nixon
November 16, 2006 10:48 AM
I read somewhere that he compared it to winning the Super Bowl! That's great that he won but does he have to insult football in the process?
Katy
November 16, 2006 12:11 PM
Mario Lopez was so pissed you'd think he was on the losing Super Bowl team. He bitched and bitched and bitched afterwards in an interview to the point where tears were coming.
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Tree
November 16, 2006 12:49 PM
If I turned in my hetero card every week for a few months only to not even win, I'd be pissed off too.
Hopefully this is the end of the Bayside High gravy train. Kapowski's career is kaput, Screech's sex tape will blow over in a minute. Mr. Tuttle can't have much time left on his ticker. Zach hasn't been heard from since NYPD Blue. Spano's softcore career didn't quite work out. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few, but no doubt they aren't doing anything either.
Matt
November 16, 2006 12:50 PM
William Wallace is the original Bill Brasky.
Matt Geiger
November 16, 2006 1:34 PM
Tree: "Screech's sex tape will blow over in a minute"
Screech, sex, and blow in the same sentence seems surreal, but "over in a minute" brings us back into reality.
Tree
November 16, 2006 1:40 PM
It also brings me down off the ledge I was standing on ready to swan dive my shiite into the street if his poon flick had any sort of staying power.
Sawyer
November 16, 2006 2:16 PM
Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!
krako
November 16, 2006 3:40 PM
where is Lisa Turtle??? her hotness was underrated.
NFL Adam
November 16, 2006 3:54 PM
The Bayside reality shows are just getting started. Watch out for Rock Star: Zack Attack this summer.
Goldie
November 17, 2006 4:53 AM
Lisa Turtle is the surprise guess in the Screech porn
Erik
November 18, 2006 5:42 PM
I feel like going into work, "adjusting" the numbers, and getting this show cancelled. Mario Lopez is less than a man, and I hated Emmit Smith as a player...anyone playing for the Cowboys should be regarded with unmitigated disdain...but making Mario Lopez cry has actually raised him a rung on my respectability list.
Brendan
November 19, 2006 6:39 PM
I coulda handled it if Emmitt was just dancing and trying to do well he kept making these show choir faces and that shit can't stand.