I’ll Be Back on January 3

Sorry chaps… I suppose I should have said this 2 weeks ago instead of leaving you hanging. All the same, have a safe New Years.. try not to commit any crimes.

cheers! 

The Rainbow Warrior Plants Seed in Ingrid Vandebosche

Do you ever think you’re gonna have a slow week at work where you can catch up and get everything squared away but then get smacked in the face with unforeseen bullshit?

It’s not that I can’t handle it or that I have some unrealistic view of the working world (if that’s what you even call this). But I’ve been looking forward to finals week for a while… no players, no training sessions, just me getting clear. And yet I end up at work at 5 am and I didn’t leave until 6:30. That was okay LAST week but not this one!! Ugh. somebody needs to call the waaambulance to pick up my sorry arse and dump me somewhere to whine it out.

Anyway, I’ve covered for Paul Katcher on Sports by Brooks for the last two weeks, so I’ve been doing Wednesdays in addition to my regular Friday routine. As such, I kindly request that you check out the goods –

My Boyfriend’s Back! New York Signs Pettitte!

Andy Pettitte has been my favorite player since his New York debut in 1995. Though there were plenty of players, both young and old, deserving of my loyalties back then, he was, and still remains, my man.

In the beginning, my affections for Pettitte had nothing to do with his skill. I was thirteen years old; he was my first crush. I’d say it had to do with him being left-handed like myself but that would put 80% of the MLB population up for crush status. Anyway, while most girls were drooling over Derek Jeter’s intoxicating green eyes, I was all about Andy and the hole in his chin. Thinking back, I’m a little embarrassed… Liking Jeter is what normal girls were supposed to do.. what I was doing dreaming about Andy riding up to my house on a white horse, glove on his right hand and ring in the other, to propose and make little Pettittes is beyond me.

But as time passed, I came to appreciate his abilities on the mound and he became my favorite for all the right reasons. And when Pettitte departed for Houston, I was absolutely gutted. I felt betrayed. I felt used. "Why would he do this to me? I’m his biggest fan!"

Like any person with an abnormal obsession, I moped about for the better part of a month before muddling through four of the five stages of grief (I was sane enough to understand that "bargaining" was impossible). And after coming to terms, I contemplated buying his Astros jersey but couldn’t bear it. By the time opening day rolled around, I was back in my NY version and through all the name-calling and ridicule, I’ve worn it with pride.

And now, Andrew Eugene Pettitte is a New York Yankee once again. I couldn’t be happier. 

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m under no delusions that Andy will magically return to his 90s form. He’s a 34-year-old with an elbow on the verge of implosion and if this were any other player, I’d have a mind to send bomb threats to Yankee Stadium. But this was the first man in my life (he has no knowledge of this) and I couldn’t be more excited to see him make $16M to close out his career as a New York Yankee… I just hope his left arm still works when he does.

New Equipment

Hey kids, I’m in the middle of a laptop transition and haven’t had a chance to make a real post this week. I also hit a patch of black ice while riding my skateboard home from work and went hurdling into the street like a fool, so my hand hurts a little. But, I did managed to squeeze out today’s SBB update, so check that out and I’ll get at you tomorrow.

Cheers!

Chief Wahoo and Cardinals to Play in Inaugural Civil Rights Game

Major League Baseball will stage its inaugural "Civil Rights Game" this spring in Memphis, the home of the National Civil Rights Museum and the city where Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated on April 4, 1968.

The defending World Series champion St. Louis Cardinals will play the Cleveland Indians in an exhibition at AutoZone Park.

I’m pretty sure this means that Chief Wahoo, a fiery red, hook-nosed, wildly grinning caricature that is about as politically correct as a depiction of two black children in overalls with big eyes and big lips eating watermelon will play in a Civil Rights game…

During the broadcast, look for Joe Buck to boast new Fox Sports technology that will show viewers exactly how many rotations per second Dr. King is spinning in his grave.

In other news, yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of Le Trade, the 5-player deal that changed the NHL and sent Patrick Roy from the Montreal Canadiens to the Colorado Avalanche and legend status.

For those who need a recap, tensions between Roy and then Habs manager Mario Tremblay came to a head when the goalie was humiliated on home ice by the Detroit Red Wings and their nine goals in 31 minutes (and by Tremblay for leaving him in that long).

I’m just curious – when your colossal cock-up births one of the greatest goalies in NHL history while simultaneously destroying one franchise and building another, do you bother to look for a silver lining or do you slink away to Minnesota where people are too nice to laugh at you?

I assume you know what I’m going to say next but I’m saying it anyway!

Check out my update at SportsbyBrooks today, which features the above goodness, as well as the following nuggets:

OhMiBod Music Powered Vibrator

I spent 21 years without a vibrator in my life, somehow managing to be the only one of my girl friends without one. Hell, the virgin in our crew swore by hers… she had this Hello Kitty monstrosity that came in a pink and blue case and took C-cell batteries.

It was a beast that whirred like a hummingbird in a summer’s heat. And in our weekly sessions to praise and/or bash our men for their abilities (or lack thereof), she’d brag on Hello Kitty like it was a candidate for lover of the year.

Her rave reviews notwithstanding, I still didn’t want one. When my man wasn’t around, my left hand was perfectly capable of taking me where I needed to go. But eventually, I got rid of that dumb boy and to celebrate, my girls took me out and presented the gift – a vibrating dildo. It was blue and looked like a gummy penis. And while it appeared good enough to eat, I traded it to the virgin a few hours later for dibs on a boy that she planned to hook up with and drop the virgin bomb on the second he thought he was rounding third and headed for home.

It was win-win.

That said, I fully admit that trading the unit had more to do with my weirdness than a need for a legitimate shag. You see, I have these hang-ups that cause me to avoid certain things out of fear that if I die tomorrow, my parents will discover what I’ve been up to. Downloading porn and owning sex toys have long been at the top of my “what if I die” list. It’s not really about the porn or the toys – I’ll happily watch and use. It’s just that I don’t want to be the dead person everyone’s laughing at after my family and friends discover a sex lair behind a hidden wall in my room.

Imagine the snickers; imagine the jokes! I cannot bear to be that person.

“But you won’t exist, what will you care?” The thought of being ridiculed in death with no way to defend myself is far more horrifying than being shamed in life… I’m a pathetic creature, I know.

Anyway, I made a point to communicate these issues with boyfriends, so I was surprised to receive one on Valentine’s Day. I’m anti-Valetine’s and don’t like receiving gifts and flowers (on that day) but he thought it’d be a fun gift and he was right. But when he refused to take it home with him the next day, I flipped out and packed it in box after box until there was no possibility of it ever being discovered.

I really have no desire to unpack the purple rocket ever again but I just made a discovery that may force me to change my mind.

Girls (and guys, I suppose), I present the OhMiBod Music Powered Vibrator.

The OhMiBod is the first music driven vibrator that transforms your favorite music into mind blowing, body bending, orgasmic bliss. The word is that this takes plug’n'play to the next level and if you have an iPod, you’re only an “acsexsory™” away.

According to the website, the OhMiBod is pretty simple to use. It comes with a 5-foot Freedom Cord, an ear bud splitter, a velvet pouch, an invitation to a music club, and an interchangeable base that allows for traditional (non-music) use. Optional accessories include a garter belt, as well as a slide-on dildo that is pink in color.

The intensity of the vibration is controlled by the volume of the music and the electronic impulses from your iPod are turned into vibrations in the shaft. This results in the user literally feeling what she hears!

As for the types of vibrations, well, that is determined by the style of music you choose… techno, hip-hop, and rap are sure fire winners but I’m thinking the dark horse in this pleasure race might be jazz… I’ll bet that produces some serious tantric action.

“I’ve personally tested and reviewed dozens of sex toys of all shapes and sizes, but until now, none have blended the idea of loving my body and my music into one simultaneous experience – but it’s more than just masturbation, it’s taking the often quiet moments women steal to give ourselves pleasure, and creating an erotic landscape of our own design with each adventure into our music collections.” – OhMiBod testimonial

Yipes. Sign me up! This is a pleasure tool on which I can comfortably take a risk. Who could possibly ridicule me for owning something so amazingly brilliant?

Dwayne Jarrett: Snoop Dogg’s a Role Model

Today’s nuggets can be found at Sports by Brooks where I wax poetic on the following: