David Beckham Continues to Hurt My Soul
 I've made my opinion of ESPN (and everything falling under the ABC Sports umbrella) quite clear throughout the life of this blog. But I have to admit that there's one feature of the network that I've long appreciated -- no David Beckham.
While growing up, I was always bummed when we weren't in England because there was absolutely no televised soccer coverage. No Soccer Saturday or Soccer Special, no highlights, and no indication that Americans even knew the game existed. Naturally, things changed when we became a home with the internet and satellite tv; I had all the football that I could ever handle. But then came World Cup 1998 and the United treble... suddenly, I had all the Becks I could handle as well. It was like having a 24-hour orgasm while being consistently cracked in the head with a hammer. His pensive "Beckham... David Beckham" face was all over the telly, be it through advertisements, football analysis, or commentary on the excruciating minutiae of his sordid personal affairs. It was painful. I hated him. By the time Euro 2004 was over, I wanted to end his life.
"Thank God, I have ESPN," I actually said to myself once. "At least that twat isn't there." But as they say, all good things must come to an end. On Thursday, Beckham signed a deal to receive $250M over 5 years in exchange for looking good, feeding dead balls to the heads of LA Galaxy strikers, and replacing the fraudulent, sackless Landon Donovan as league savior. He and his hideous wife, Posh Spice, are upping sticks as I type, and soon, we'll be inundated with their excesses, none of which can be forgiven by the magic of his golden foot.
The tabloids will chronicle his every move - from the ridiculous outfits, hairstyles, and manpurses to his fancy parties and A-list friends. Commercials, billboards, and magazines will feature smirking ads for razor blades, sunglasses, and cologne. At least being a big fish in a tiny pond will save us from his sulking and occasional histrionics but all the same, my permanent return to England may come sooner than planned.
Since there are new people around here that fail to understand my anger, I'm going to rehash a few things - skip below if this is familiar:
Huzzah for Evolution? Beckham Gets Dropped!
Beckham Penalty Kick... - video powered by MetacafeWhen the ball sailed past the goal and into oblivion, I was so shocked that I couldn't react. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I wasn't even confused. I was just there, standing firm in spectacular amazement. It was like my brain had put itself on pause to avoid meltdown. A few moments passed before I said anything at all, eventually turning to my cousin Shiloh to utter a mere, "But..." He replied, "Fuck?" Unable to articulate ourselves, we stared at each other in disbelief before turning back and simultaneously shouting, "YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!" Shiloh added wishes that Beckham would die but my brain shut back down after cunt, so I had nothing else to add. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur but the abject hatred and anger for Beckham and that moment set in the following morning. It hasn't subsided.Watching David Beckham over the years has driven me to ulcers and a Lithium dependency but I recognize that even now, he passes, crosses, and takes free kicks with extraordinary brilliance and can win games at a stroke. Though useless against real competition, Goldenballs will flourish in the MLS, which will be the equivalent of scrimmaging with the Crystal Palace reserves. That said, I have complaints:
 "It's not about the money." What a steaming pile. Beckham can leave no greater legacy to football than the conversion of Americans to the world game. He's the only player that can do it (if it's even possible) and he knows it. But with a net worth in excess of $130 million, building soccer in America is something he could do for minor duckets and yet he's just signed the most lucrative transfer deal in sports history. Stop trying to trick people into believing it's all about good will.- Unlike other top-flight professional sports leagues, the lowly players in the MLS (as many as 5 or 6 per team) make a salary that puts them below the poverty line. Another 8 or 9 players per team pull in less than 50 grand. When signing on to play in a league where some players take second jobs in the off-season to survive, having the nerve to downplay your multi-million dollar payout just seems a little cunty to me.
- There is only so much money laying around for aging footballers looking to exit the game with a little grace. The ridiculous figures associated with DB7's contract may make it difficult for retiring stars to come in droves.
- I've played at the highest level for 15 years, and now I think I need another challenge." He'd better be talking about the advancement of the game and his soccer academy; if he's speaking about playing the Columbus Crew and the Kansas City Wizards, then he's just being a condescending tart.
- Taking advice from Tom Cruise - "I talked with [Cruise] for about an hour last night and an hour the night before... I asked him for his advice. ... He's a very wise man and a very good friend of mine. To have his experience and have him explain some things to me, that's a big favor. He couldn't speak any higher than what he was saying about L.A." Posh and Becks aren't braintrusts. I doubt they realize that they're seeking advice from someone looking for a wider audience for his cult. With Becks primed to become a stockholder both in the Galaxy and MLS, it may only be a matter of time before we're watching highlights of the LA Thetans on Sports Center.
In any case, I wish David Beckham the best of luck. I don't like him, I don't want to hear about him, and I don't want to watch him play. Just thinking about him makes my head hurt. But I still hope his presence is a significant boon to the American game. While the only "stars" following his lead will be of the retiring variety, the true value of the signing lies with the entry of high quality, lesser-known foreign players and youth development.
Who knows.. in 5 years, maybe MLS will be a rival for the Coca-Cola League.
Posted at January 14, 2007 12:01 AM
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Comments (18): David Beckham Continues to Hurt My Soul
Andy
January 14, 2007 12:56 PM
This'll be exciting for about a year but when the Galaxy don't win the MLS Cup, no one's gonna care anymore.
Gavin Norris
January 14, 2007 1:33 PM
Perfect! Now he has absolutely no shot of attempting a comeback to the Three Lions.
Keep him, America! Keep him and don't let him return!
Hadrian
January 14, 2007 4:06 PM
well I'm excited about his arrival. I get to see a legend in person AND he won't break my heart. It's win-win for Americans :-D
Hopefully they'll come out to NY to play the Red Bulls a couple times this season because I'll definitely be there for that. But hey, I bet they'll play the Fire in Chitown, Flashers... you should get some tickets, LOL.
TJ Gray
January 14, 2007 6:43 PM
One thing I know for sure about this is Alexi Lalas has lost his fucking mind:
"We want him to help us to be the top team in MLS and maybe, one day, become the top team in the world."
Britton Jagger
January 14, 2007 8:09 PM
Had he truly wanted to boost the game in America, he would have gone to a squad with a true supporting cast. Landon Donovan is too much of a moistened cunt to function in that capacity. On a team with players skilled enough to complement his remaining skills, he could drum up and sustain true interest. This move is all about Hollywood for he and his plastic wife.
Neil
January 14, 2007 10:27 PM
You guys just can't let shit go. I just realized that there's a reason England is on an island. It's to protect the rest of the world from your sour bitterness!
Somebody tell me when the last time was that a Brit was happy about something! :-P
Anderson
January 14, 2007 11:35 PM
The captioned Beckham picture and the video get me rolling every time.
After seeing real soccer in the World Cup, I can't stand watching MLS but if they televise the Galaxy, I'm gonna watch at least a few games. Beckham won't help the quality of the rest of the league this season but he's gotta make LA look about 10 times better immediately, right??
Erik
January 15, 2007 8:51 AM
The question occurs to me, with those unbelievable salary numbers flying around, how the hell can a MLS team afford to pay him at all? My bet is that he bankrupts the Galaxy and does little or nothing to improve the image of professional soccer in America. When I read that he was consulting Tom Cruise, I knew this was more circus stunt than substance.
That goal kick vid is priceless!
Goldie
January 15, 2007 11:29 AM
The Galaxy won't be bankrupted by any means. About $40M or more of the money each year will be paid through image rights, stakeholder earnings, and endorsements. The Galaxy are only on the hook for his actual salary, which is between $5-10M and that doesnt' affect their salary cap. It's being paid by the team's ownership and they can more than afford it. No one is going to lose their shirt over this deal. Read an article.
Toxic
January 15, 2007 11:30 AM
You are very welcome to the ponce and his dumb bint's 24 hour circus.
Well will the next "kidnapping plot" happen?
Toxic
January 15, 2007 11:31 AM
Oh and Neil, though hate being called a Brit I am happy about this ;¬)
Shiloh
January 15, 2007 1:08 PM
Los Angeles is nothing but vacuous, image-obsessed poseurs wading through the slime of their trashy culture. The people are cosseted by pornographic levels of income and utterly inured as they strive, hopelessly, for the Holy Grail of "class." They are disgusting people and the Beckhams should feel right at home.
Thanks be to God that sodding cunt and his pig-nosed, vapid, disgusting wife will be across the pond.
Shiloh
January 15, 2007 1:12 PM
Neil, like Toxic, this is something that makes me extremely happy. And that will not change. Knowing he and that shriveled alien troll will fade into oblivion in America is a boost to my spirits.
van cutsem
January 15, 2007 2:32 PM
How long after the season begins will it take the Americans to realize that he won't stray from the same 10-meter radius of pitch for the entirety of each match?
Erik
January 15, 2007 3:43 PM
"Read an article."
Goldie - I honestly couldn't be bothered. This man is the least interesting athlete on the planet. I know women with bigger balls than this guy. Thanks for the rundown though. I won't be watching, but it's nice to know the Galaxy will be able to comfortably swallow their newest pill.
Justin
January 15, 2007 4:37 PM
If you can't be bothered to know what's going on, then don't annoy the rest of us by leaving an ignorant comment about the situation.
--
Another great one with Lalas is that he's planning to run Beckham in the central ego mid. It sounds like a great idea, letting the big star run the show. But the dude couldn't handle the right mid in Germany and now he's expected to get creative for 90' on that wide LA pitch in the California heat? Yeah right.
Rafa
January 16, 2007 9:28 AM
Real tried to put him in the centre of the park and he couldnt succeed but he'll be playing significantly lesser competition in MLS. Perhaps it won't be as bad as it sounds.
Connor
January 16, 2007 11:22 AM
I appreciate this move because American soccer needs anything it can get to create a buzz. Just think of all the free advertisements the signing alone has created.. But the biggest problem as I see it is the American fans (the ones that he's supposed to attract) are going to expect to see a lot of dazzling, flashy play like Pele or Cruyff and he can't give them that. His freakish bend can be pretty exciting but that's not going to keep the casual fan in the seats or buying merch beyond the first season.