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A Falling Out With Pudding PantsI have a co-worker that I've heard more about than seen this past month, so I was surprised to spot him skulking about the office this morning. This bloke - let's call him Tubbs - is pretty decent away from the work front but in it, his only accomplishment seems to be his standing as reigning Madden 06 and 07 office champion. Well.. he has more going for him than that but I wouldn't call those things accomplishments of note.
Now, I'm not one to prevent a person from enjoying great figurines. All one has to do is ask. But to sneak in my office when I'm not around? God only knows how long he waited for me to leave so he could steal some playtime with Raphael and Michaelangelo... he'd probably been doing it for months, maybe longer! Who could know? I keep my toys (for display purposes) on a book case behind my desk. Every once in a while, I'll come in to find things out of place but I've always blamed the maintenance staff.. they come in to vacuum, hit the case, things fall.. no big deal, right?... So much for that. "So...can I help you?" "Can I have these?" "It's not like you can't buy more." Well ya fuckin got me there! How do you react to that? It was like being yelled at by a sixth grader. What I wanted to do, at that point, was head butt him in the nose but that's not good for the workplace. Luckily, he shifted focus. "What do you want for that comic on your wall?" And that's when he went off, ragging on me for everything from my gender to my job to the fact that I can't go without sunglasses when outside. He even threw in something about Title IX before adding that I didn't know anything about his job (which made no sense nor any bit of difference). And when I said "that makes two of us," things got even worse. When he made another comment about my appearance, I fired back. I had to. And after busting on his job performance, I stooped to his level and cracked on his waste line. I brought up how he's the last person to arrive at morning meetings because he's too busy stuffing his face with biscuits and gravy in the kitchen. And that his face begins to glisten after we've been there for ten minutes or so. To the untrained eye, it might look like sweating.. it certainly gets warm in the conference room. But I know the truth - that's fat seeping out of his pores like melted Crisco. Then I brought up his two daily lunches and the fact that he eats enough secretary-made pastries each day to feed a starving family of four. How dare he have the nerve to talk to me about brownies? Or anything, for that matter?! Fucking clown. Eventually, however, I called him "pudding pants" and that was all she wrote. It was low and unnecessary and I knew it but Christ, he started it! Problem was, he also ended it by scrunching up his face and trudging away. I'm not quite sure what happened but I feel like the biggest bitch... I want to think that I wasn't out of line.. that all I really did was match his level of immaturity but I feel like I've done something dreadfully wrong that needs to be corrected... feelings like this are totally unfamiliar to me and I don't like it! Hopefully, it will be cured by some stiff drinks later this evening. As a side note, I found this picture on CNNSi to be absolutely delightful:
 Posted at January 11, 2007 5:41 PM Permalink • Filed under: Personal |
So it happens that I returned from lunch today to find my office door ajar. Burglars? Terrorists? Ninjas? It was anyone's guess but it was certainly someone who had masterminded our swipe card security system. I peered in... Tubbs. Blah. That is, until I spotted a serious problem -- my toys, all originals from my youth, were strewn across my desk and all over the floor. And there was Tubbs, sitting joyfully amidst Spider-Man, Superman, Flash, Batman, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, Cheetara, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, She-Ra, He-Man, and even my GI Joe Jeep that carried Sgt. Slaughter, Jinx, Storm Shadow, and Destro (I know, he needs his own mode of transportation). He'd also messed with my dart board and left my skateboard in the middle of the floor.
Comments (17): A Falling Out With Pudding Pants
katy
January 11, 2007 7:42 PM
Here's the thing - he was in the wrong here by a long shot. He was all in your stuff, he was rude, and he yelled at you for completely ridiculous shit. BUT you have a way of undressing people that makes them feel like complete pieces of shit. You probably wounded the hell out of him. But still, don't apologize! He's an asshole.
Matt
January 11, 2007 7:58 PM
ahahahaha you are capable of remorse? You are slippin
Brendan
January 11, 2007 9:53 PM
LOL wow, welcome to the world of humans, babe. You'll notice from now on that when you make other people feel bad, you might regret it :) Like Matt said, that's called remorse.
But having said that, this dude sounds like a serious dick. He had it comin.
Erik
January 11, 2007 9:59 PM
Goddamn, I hope you said something more abusive than what you laid out in your post. I look at it like this: anyone who isn't family/very-close-friend comes into my space and touches anything without permission, they are in for more than harsh language. You should have bitch slapped the fat bastard and buried your foot in his jello-filled ass! Your reaction was too restrained, in my opinion.
That said, I've got original Destro, Sgt Slaughter, Transformers, etc, etc, and so on stored away to this day! None are in mint shape, but some are nearly as old as I am. Your coolness just increased by a factor of five, despite letting fatass off the hook. :)
Hedge
January 11, 2007 10:26 PM
C'mon, hes just lucky to have been able to leave your office with his nuts still attached. Katys right! don't apologize, or he will never learn.
Nicholson
January 11, 2007 11:47 PM
I blame this whole remorse scare on illness. The flu is sweeping over the Bend right now.. she's probably got it. Plus shes' itchin to get out of there to surf. All of that is probably fuckin with her head and causing things like this.
Amateur
January 12, 2007 9:08 AM
Tubbs obviously -- no, maybe I shouldn't say "obviously" after hearing only one side of this story. I'll start over. Based on what you've told us, it seems that Tubbs came into your office to get some shit off his chest, not to admire your collection. He wanted a fight, and he got one. Did he expect you not to fight back? I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it.
Now, you probably could have "fought back" in a more mature way ... like a grown-up, say. But Tubbs didn't act like a grown-up either.
Zach
January 12, 2007 11:22 AM
Amazing Fantasy 15!!! You shouldnt have that on your wall in your office. YOu should have that vacuum sealed and locked up in a vault!
NFL Adam
January 12, 2007 11:58 AM
Hey Flash, great toys. Want some more wine with your turkey?
The Pen
January 12, 2007 12:02 PM
I knew this was going to be a good one when I saw Destro sitting there in the picture. I can't believe you have all those! You rock for playing with all those, I mean seriously, I have nearly every GI Joe, GI Joe vehicle, and accessory (down to the fighter jet and space shuttle). You have them on a wall in your office, and I am too jealous, so I keep them at home, hidden away from all those who would touch them. I know your feeling that those are MINE and do not mess with them. The dude had it coming.
Sawyer
January 12, 2007 12:24 PM
When you were out running earlier we had Shane steal the jeep and that transformer deal that turns into a space shuttle because we wanted to see you go apeshit. but the second he saw you on the sidewalk, he ran in and put everything back. I didn't know he'd turn out to be such a giant freaking pussy.
Julius
January 12, 2007 5:14 PM
I kinda feel bad for this dude mostly because I dont think he realized what he was gettin into. He deserved to get beatdown but I've heard you go off and that shit is cruel and unusual. "Puddin Pants" is tame but it's all in the delivery when you're the one doin it.
SAM
January 13, 2007 4:28 AM
I heard that you essentially get paid to be a sociopath. Is that right? If so, I'm thinking that if you had taken this guy to grind out 80 100s and whatever else you make athletes do while you destroyed his soul, you'd just be doing your job and not being a bitch. Thus, you don't have to feel remorse. Problem solved.
brady
January 13, 2007 9:25 AM
sociopath is out of line.
Matt
January 13, 2007 2:44 PM
Can we call Savian from the post below a sociopath, Brady, or are you trying to nail him too? Because I would really like to, but I wouldn't want you to e-beat me up.
AJ
January 13, 2007 10:02 PM
Brady:Flash::Moth:Flame - it's one of nature's laws, Matt.
Anyway, I feel for Tubbs because he's going through hard times but he was a pretty big asshole during all of that. I can't say I blame you at all for what happened. But I DO need to call you out :) You say you let people play with those toys if they ask but that's kinda false. You give the okay and then stand 2 feet away and like a hawk or something. YOu're all tense and you glare at them until it's over.
That's not LETTING somebody play with the toys. That's just saying okay and then hoping they feel so uncomfortable about it that they'll stop lol
Hadrian
January 14, 2007 4:03 PM
Cut the dude some slack Matt. You can't blame him for anything he's said anymore than you can blame a pig for being sloppy. He's under the spell.
As for CNNSI, I think somebody in their graphics department has been reading way too much Fark.