There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

It's Time for the Jew-lympics!

I've accomplished a lot in my athletic career. Though I have no Olympic or World Cup medals to call my own, I'll put my collection of hardware and honors up against just about anyone. But my achievements thus far in life pale in comparison to what I could pull off operating not only as an athlete but as a flag-waving Jew as well!

That's right! It's about to be my time to shine! Applications are currently being accepted for Jewish athletes wanting to represent at the 11th Pan-American Maccabi Games - known from now on around here as the Jewlympics.

The Jewlympics will be held in Buenos Aires, Argentina, from Dec. 26, 2007, through Jan. 2, 2008. Now, I'll admit, I'm not completely sold on the destination. Argentina is great and all but it was also a safe haven for Nazi officials and party members looking to flee Europe before they could be subjected to the noose... so someone on the Jewlympics committee is either really clever or really stupid. My hope is that it's the former and that this will function as a slap in the face to old school anti-Semites who are now too old and senile to wipe their own arses. 

In any case, the age range is 18-34 and athletes will compete in basketball, beach volleyball, bridge, field hockey (women only), golf, half marathon, judo, karate, rowing, rugby (men only), soccer, softball, squash, swimming, table tennis, tae kwon do, tennis, ten-pin bowling, track and field, triathalon, volleyball, and water polo (men only). There is also a Masters Sports Competition in many of the same categories for athletes over 35.

I'm gonna DESTROY this competition and a year from now, you'll be calling me Jewlympic Champion! From there, I'll be using my fame and notoriety to sponsor THIS car on the Nextel circuit:

Posted at January 15, 2007 7:41 PM

Comments (10): It's Time for the Jew-lympics!

Matt	January 15, 2007 8:59 PM
	You are going to tear up. Who is your competition? Shawn Green, Kerri Strug, Mark Spitz and Sandy Koufax? I think Larry David has a good shot at a silver at least

Silver	January 15, 2007 9:33 PM
	HELL YES!!!! Finally a chance to be an athlete! I'm signing up! As for you, it'll be a cakewalk. How have I not heard of this before?

Patton Maxwell	January 15, 2007 10:29 PM
	Hilarious. There have to be some rules to this thing that keep athletes like you from competing otherwise it just wouldn't be fair. It's like keeping Golden Gloves boxers out of Bengal Bouts, so the chumps with no real skills can think they're great for once.

Adam Castro	January 16, 2007 12:52 AM
	What you need to do is run that car with a black driver. 100 laps in to its first Nextel Cup race, the entire industry would collapse upon itself haha

Toxic	January 16, 2007 8:01 AM
	As soon as I read Buenos Aires I figured Berlin 1936 was all booked up.

Patrick Houlihan	January 16, 2007 8:39 AM
	Wow That's a riot! So exactly how many events are you planning to dominate? Whatever they are, you'd better not try to play basketball or beach volleyball. Your ridiculous athleticism can only compensate so much for your ridiculous shortness HAHA

Connor	January 16, 2007 11:12 AM
	Bridge? Did I read that correctly? What people between 18-34 even know what that is?!

Erik	January 16, 2007 10:49 PM
	It's simply too perfect. You'll be playing bridge then? Good luck and Godspeed young, Jewish warrior!

PG	January 17, 2007 8:10 AM
	I will trade you 3 Big East Champ rings for your NC ring. I think it's a fair deal.

Schaeffer	January 17, 2007 12:09 PM
	Looks like I'd better get my Bubbe and her bridge club signed up for the Master's Division. It's about time she got something besides hosting rights for winning a game of that bullshit.

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