Feb 23, 2007
Flash

Jerry Porter Plans to Crap on Tim Brown’s Legacy

I have sported three Raiders jerseys over the course of my life – a Jack Tatum onesie (1983), Tim Brown (1987-2004), and Jerry Porter (2005). I had a Bo Jackson one as well but never wore it because my dad told me not to be a bandwagon jumper. As it turns out, he was talking about switching allegiances to other teams, not players, but I was about 7 at the time and didn’t really understand the difference.

Anyway, the year before last, I decided it was time for a change and settled on Jerry Porter’s #84. I thought Porter was a jerk with serious personality problems but there was no one else that was worth a damn on our team. Besides, I thought he’d team up with Randy Moss to become one half of the most feared wide receiving tandem in the NFL.

Shame on me for trying to overlook the negatives.

Al Davis gave Porter more than $10M in guaranteed money with a pre-season signing bonus; Porter responded by sleepwalking through 2005. He posted two 100-yard games, a seven-reception game high, and a 12.4 yards-per-catch average. Awesome effort, Jerry. Good lookin out.

cockbagAfter that stirring display of mediocrity, he clashed with Art Shell and demanded a trade. I became so enraged that I poured gasoline on his jersey and burned it in the street. That’s when I brought ole trusty #81 back out the closet; I could always wear that with pride, right? No. Not even close.

Now in the good graces of both Coach Lunch Money and Tim Brown, Jerry Porter is trading in #84 for Brown’s #81.

"I talked to him yesterday, and he feels some people might trip, but it’s been four years since I had that jersey on,” said Brown.

Some people might trip? Tim, you’re Mr. Raider. You’re the leading receiver in the history of the goddamn franchise. Let’s pass your number on to the obnoxious cunt in the gold-plated heavyweight title belt! That sounds like a great idea! Come on.

According to Porter, this is all okay because he’s turning a new leaf and he needs the most dignified number in the Raiders franchise to make the transition complete.

"I am truly honored and excited about changing my number to 81," Porter said. "For me, the new number represents a new start, a new beginning and new attitude."

Well it’s too bad you didn’t do this last year. Maybe we wouldn’t have ranked last in the NFL with 16 total offensive touchdowns, asshole.

This new leaf business is total bollocks. The expectations of wearing #81 aren’t the same with the Silver & Black as they are with, say, the Eagles or the Cowboys. It requires more than playing with a steely resolve; it necessitates a willingness to do whatever is necessary to help this franchise no matter what adversity stands in the way. Is Jerry Porter honestly capable of that? I’m all for this fresh start of his but a tiger can’t change his stripes.

It will require a complete re-wiring of Porter’s brain for him to come close to being anything like Tim Brown. And I don’t say that because I think Brown is God or a legendary, Hall of Fame-caliber receiver whose number should be in the heavens. He was neither. Tim Brown was simply very good and very reliable for a long period of time. But he exuded class and professionalism every day of his 17 seasons in the NFL, proving himself as an incomparable leader and a tireless worker. If anyone is going to wear his number, let it be the guy that embodies what he was all about, not a #2 receiver that takes his cues from Terrell Owens.

Hattip: The Hater Nation 

20 Comments

  • right. didn’t Moss turn a leaf a couple seasons back?

  • Why didn’t the Raiders retire Brown’s number? I guess being Mr Raider doesn’t count for much in Oakland.

  • Anderson: The Raiders don’t believe in the retirement of numbers at all. Al doesn’t seem to want anyone bigger than him in the Raiders spotlight.
    As far as that last comment goes, that’s Porter in a sentence. A man who takes his cues from one of the more overrated wide outs in the NFL. T.O.’s best years were in San Francisco. Porter doesn’t have a best year, and he probably never will with his current shitty attitude.

  • For my money, this is no finer insult in the english language than “cunt”
    It is the last word that people save for a serious occasion. Like Lewis Black said “Where I’m from fuck isn’t a word, it’s a comma” I mean you can’t drop it on some guy in traffic you have to wait for that certain second where everything seems to go into slow motion and that voice in your head says “yeah it’s time to escalate this argument in a big way”

  • What’s up with your boyfriend? He’s down at the combine doing jack shit. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that he was going out of his way to stay away from your favorite team! That’s not love, Flash. It’s not love :-D

  • For sure Tree but I’m scared shitless of that word. Every time Ive said it, some crazy bitch has showed up out of nowhere to give me shit and go off. saying that with a chick within 5 miles is like strapping a steak to your chest in a room of starving dogs.

  • Like I said, if you drop that one, you better be ready for it to be on in a big way. Hopefully by that point you have your mind made up on circumstances when you would hit a woman, because there is a real good chance she will swing on you.
    I got into an arguement with my friends girlfriend about her cheating on him and we went back and forth until I decided to Hiroshima the conversation with “I hope you die in a fire you dyke cunt”
    I have never heard a room of people quiet so quickly. It was the proverbial needle scratching across a record.

  • I fucking hate Bo Jackson

  • How can you hate Bo Jackson???
    Flash, turn back the clock and get one of those throwbacks. Go back to your crawling days and get a Jack Tatum.

  • toxic’s just pissed cuz Bo Knows Soccer and he can’t handle it.

  • Tecmo Super Bowl Bo Jackson is the greatest video game athlete of all time :)

  • I’ve heard of cats droppin the c-bomb and living to tell the tale but puttin dyke in front of it, man I can’t even imagine.. How’d you get out of there?

  • I’d say that’s pretty accurate, Rich. Davis won’t honor the old guard of Raider greats with a number retirement and he’s going out of his way to draft and trade for overpriced no-talents. It’s pretty much impossible to be bigger than Al.

  • Bo just spoilt a good day out some years back.
    And Bo don’t know diddley ;¬)

  • He did the bench press. knocked out 24 reps at 225.

  • My advice: Hire a drifter to kneecap the guy ala Nancy Kerrigan. What could possibly go wrong?

  • Post something Warner! I’m bored at work.

  • Was Sunday’s cup final the final straw

  • If it wasn’t, yesterday’s outcome surely did her in.

  • She’s alive. I saw her walking into the football building earlier this morning.

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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.

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