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No Snow Days?So like the rest of the Midwest, we're knee deep in snow emergency, below zero wind chills, and disaster. I woke up at 5 in eager anticipation of the "It's rough out there!" phone call from Boss's secretary but it never came, so I reached the office around 5:30 and prepared to run my first batch of punks. Naturally, all they did was bitch about the weather, so I decided to run them outside for a half hour or so just to stick it to them. Trouble was, the sidewalk mysteriously disappeared before we ever really got going, causing me to trip and go nose first into a snow drift that was bigger than I am. Those of you that know me are already aware of my height challenges, so falling into a 6 foot drift was like being thrown into a cave. So with two feet of cold, stinging snow lodged in my bra and knickers, I decided it was best to go inside... that's when some joker from across the street yelled, "Hey Warner! I love how you can run with a ball at your feet but can't run without one! Nice fall!" With laughs all around, I completely lost hand. I put them through ten 20-100s and let them go about an hour early. I know they're getting the short end of the stick on that one but how could I go on after getting clowned in the snow? I likened it to the feeling a man gets when he can't perform in the bedroom. The silver lining to this is I now realize that the old "Don't worry about it-It happens to everyone-It's not a big deal" responses are pretty uncool and useless. The next time that happens to a man in my life, I'll just shrug and leave the room.
If you're using Valentine's Day as a barometer for your relationship, there's something wrong with you. If your man can't do right by you on the other 364 days in the year and you allow V-Day to be his Get Out of Jail Free card, there's something wrong with you. And if you use this day in your self-validation process, you need to kill yourself. A man worth having is one that treats you right when he's not under orders from Hallmark. I don't like flowers and I have a general disdain for chocolate (unless it's on a Snickers) but the man in my life will know what makes me feel loved and appreciated and he'll have enough sense to come correct without the aid of a calendar. If I've had any problem with Valentine's Day it's that boys can't quite absorb my feelings on the matter. They've been brainwashed for so long that they think the "I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day" thing is crazy female trickery. I'm not playing mind games with you. I'm not trying to catch you in a trap. Do not buy me flowers. Do not buy me chocolate. Christ, don't buy me anything! Frankly, if you show up with a large pizza, a case of Coke, and a smile you'll get your just desserts. Sadly, "J" - a girl at the workplace didn't share my attitude. After going on and on this morning about how great her boyfriend was, J said she'd be disappointed if this wasn't "the greatest Valentine's EVAR!!" I made my "Valentine's is a Sham" argument to her and she responded by calling me a shrew. I would have hit her back with other lingo from the 17th century but I didn't have a Brit Lit textbook on hand. J went on to say that if I had a boyfriend that really loved me, we'd do more tonight than watch American Idol and Lost. An hour later, the florist arrived. Fifteen or twenty people gathered in anticipation of what this dumb bitch's boyfriend was about to drop on her. Was it the 3 dozen red roses? Nope. That went to Pam, the 54 year old with the husband that has gout. What about the decorative bouquet of lilies? Wrong again - those went to Shawn, whose lack of embarrassment raised more questions than the bouquet itself. Finally, the delivery man asked for J. She clapped like only a former sorority girl can and scrambled to the front. There, she received this brilliant display of affection:
She dropped everything on the floor and walked out. No coat, no purse, just gone. We haven't seen her since. But at least she got her flower and candy, which is what Valentine's is really all about. I do need to find this now ex-boyfriend of hers though... he's a man that deserves a drink.  Posted at February 14, 2007 3:49 PM Permalink • Filed under: Personal |
On another front of total humiliation (this time, not my own), it's Valentine's Day, the biggest sham on the calendar. Arbor Day is less fraudulent than this contrived garbage.
Comments (16): No Snow Days?
Sawyer
February 14, 2007 4:53 PM
Easy words for a spoiled girl who got more than a dozen different sets of chocolate and flowers from schmucks just tryin to get their foot in the door. You shoulda given some of that shit away to the lonely chicks in the ath dept, so they could have something to hit you with! I think they're getting together tonight over ice cream to cry and think of ways to kill you :-D
Anderson
February 14, 2007 5:20 PM
... said the pretty, blue eyed blonde with the dimples and man-izing tendencies...
I have gotten lucky enough to have every relationship in the last 7 or 8 years begin after Feb 14 or end before it. I don't know how long I can keep that streak goin but I hope I can get another 10 years out of it.
Vilma
February 14, 2007 7:46 PM
LOL NO doubt. That cat needs a beer. black rose and licorice is some cold cold shit. I gotta remember that for the future!
Tyson
February 14, 2007 9:34 PM
I'm the shithead that always needs the get out of jail card, so I love it. Any fuck up can be cured with enough roses and a box of Godiva.
Mark Harold
February 14, 2007 9:55 PM
I dated a girl last year that told me how hse didn't care about the day, didn't want anything, and then it's like 9 that night on Valentine's and she's all shitty with me. "You were supposed to get me something ANYWAY!!!" We broke up over it. So I dont buy it whenever a girl says she doesn't want somethin. Better to err on the side of caution.
Tree
February 14, 2007 10:15 PM
I wish there was some way to reply with video because after I read about kids running in the snow, all I could think of was the training montage from Rocky IV and the Italian Stallion giving those commie handlers the slip.
That along with Paulie bitching about his comics and not being able to see the Rose Bowl game.
Julius
February 15, 2007 12:07 AM
I dont mind gettin romantic but I cant stand V day b/c youve always got to be toppin yourself. You drop earrings on a girl one year, the next year (if your still with her) you gotta go bigger cuz she expects it. and if you dont, you might get jammed up. The shit isnt even genuine after a point. I gave up a necklace tonight just b/c I did a bracelet last year and I knew anything less wasnt gonna be enough.
Julius
February 15, 2007 12:16 AM
BTW, I know how your sadistic little Napoleon ass works! You're gonna go crazy on those kids tomorrow just cuz they happened to be the ones that saw you fall today. Cut them a little slack and save it for a different class that doesnt know whats up. You'll probably have more fun like that LOL
Brendan
February 15, 2007 1:37 AM
"The next time that happens to a man in my life, I'll just shrug and leave the room."
LOL Jesus Christ! Way to find the one thing to do that would make things even worse! Come on with that :)
The Pen
February 15, 2007 12:06 PM
WOW. Black rose and licorice, that guy is clutch and ballsy. I would like to meet him sometime, especially after that girl was such a ... well ... girl I guess.
And my take on this stupid holiday, as I mentioned to you before, is that this is just another holiday invented by corporations like Macy's and Godiva to fleece what little money they didn't get on Christmas off of the guys (and girls) of the world.
CMP
February 15, 2007 12:53 PM
They've been brainwashed for so long that they think the "I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day" thing is crazy female trickery.
thats cuz it IS trickery. i don't know any woman that makes a claim like that without havin a little somethin hidden behind it ESPECIALLY when it comes down to valentines day. who ever your dude is, he did somethin to make sure you wouldnt be trippin. It wasnt all just no frills last night.
Colin Norris
February 15, 2007 2:40 PM
I might have a steal that dude's act. I sent my girlfriend flower's yesterday but they weren't delivered. She turned into a huge bitch over it, gave me the silent treatment before starting a huge fight (she didnt believe I sent anything), and basically told me that she didnt want to see somebody that didn't care about her. She went in to work today and the flowers got delivered. The florist didn't deliver yesterday b/c of the snow. Fuck her. If that's all it takes, she isn't worth the time.
lizzy
February 15, 2007 3:45 PM
I used to be out of my head with Valentine's too and then I caught my boyfriend kissing another girl a couple hours after I got the dozen roses, chocolates, etc. I confronted him and he had the nerve to say "Didn't you get the roses? I love you, nobody else!"
I was done with V-day after that.
ariadneK, Ph.D.
February 15, 2007 8:00 PM
I have selected you for my "Weird Cake Blog of the Week"! :-)
Erik
February 15, 2007 11:01 PM
People still celebrate Valentine's Day?
Hadrian
February 18, 2007 12:06 PM
As long as women exist, we'll celebrate Valentine's Day.