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Warning! Raiders Draft Does Not ComputeBeing a glutton for punishment, I tuned in to the NFL Draft on Saturday equipped with 2 six packs of Rogue Brutal Bitter and a box of Kleenex. I was going to need both for a variety of reasons with Oakland's continued commitment to mediocrity being one of my primary concerns. While the talking heads ran their mouths about nothing in particular, I began entertaining thoughts of a draft day trade where the Raiders ended up with Calvin Johnson, a free agent quarterback, and a bevy of draft picks. These delusions of grandeur got a little running room when Ed Werder appeared with rumors and conjecture but I snapped back into reality when Roger Goodell announced the obvious - the Raiders, attempting to make up for missing Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler in 2006 - were going with Jamarcus Russell as the #1 pick in 2007... Color me disappointed... I see "bust" written all over this kid and if that's true, our franchise will be set back another ten years. I hope I'm wrong.
The number two tight end on the board? I couldn't help but wonder if the Raiders were taking this draft seriously. Where were the DBs? The lightning-quick athletes with no actual position? The D-IAA or DII lineman that dominated the Directional Liberal Arts Conference? I could only conclude that someone in the war room must have realized that the Raiders haven't had a tight end that could catch since I'm not even sure where our current crop of tight ends came from. The starter, Courtney Anderson, is a 7th round pick from 04 who has no redeeming qualities but I can't make heads or tails on the rest of our guys. I remember Doug Jolley being on the roster but I'm not sure what happened to him. At some point, we were also pained with non-skill of Teyo Johnson, a Stanford product who is likely making pancakes these days in Michael Huff's IHOP. Hmm. Well anyway, Mel Kiper called Miller a poor man's Todd Heap (we passed on Heap to waste money on Derrick Gibson) and I'll take it, gladly. From there, the goodness just piled on. Quentin Moses (DE), Mario Henderson (OT), God smiled when we picked up RB Michael Bush out of Louisville, and then, the most glorious news of all: Randy Moss to the Patriots! Granted, we got him in exchange for a sack of dirty towels and a bottle of Tide but I don't really care. I have sat in seething hatred of the New England Patriots since the Tuck Rule ruined my hopes way back in 2002. Though I have developed reasons to root for them every now and again, that pain will never leave and a part of me is always rooting for their demise. Being excited about Randy Moss making a new home with them, especially when he still rips a 4.29-40, is in complete opposition to that. But Randy Moss and his quitter's attitude was a cancer in the Raider locker room. He has made no secret of his distaste for the new staff, new system, and new quarterback, and if we are to get anything accomplished with Opie Taylor leading the way, he had to go. While it would have been nice to get more for him than a sack of dirt, no team would have ever gone for it. What's he done in the last three years other than bitch, moan, and take plays off? No GM in their right mind is paying top dollar for a POS like that. Oh well. It's going to sting like mad when Tom Brady lights Moss up for 7 touchdowns at the next two Super Bowls but we're better off in the long run. All of this good draft news notwithstanding, I still got sodding rat arsed. It was just too much to handle all in one day. System overload, I suppose. By the time Day 1 was over, I was out of beer, out of sorts, and out of commission. All in all, however, a Bravo to Al Davis and the Raiders. I don't know how they managed to not cock this up but I know better than to ask too many questions. Draft Grade: B *A fine chap named Barry C corrected an oversight, advising that we actually have had a tight end that could catch since Dave Casper - the mighty HOFer Todd Christensen. 
Posted on 30 April 2007 | Filed under: NFL
, Oakland Raiders
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I downed six beers over the course of the first round but then, in the second, something magical happened: "The Oakland Raiders draft Zach Miller, Tight End, from Arizona State."
Gary Sheffield Gets on Hank Aaron's Case
How Hank Aaron chooses to deal with Bonds hitting 757 is his business - unless you ask Gary Sheffield. While on the Worst Damn Sports Show Ever, the mustache weighed in on whether Hank Aaron should show up when Barry Bonds breaks his home run record:
We've been through a lot? What, does Hammer not realize this? Has he not lived and breathed it every day of his seventy-three years? I suppose a life where growing up in the Deep South, suffering daily injustices, and then, in his greatest hour, battling death threats, persecution, and untold amounts of opposition from racists and ignorant malcontents wasn't enough for the old guy to catch a clue. Guys like Aaron, Jackie Robinson, Willie Mays, Satchel Paige, Buck O'Neal, and Frank Robinson are the ones that went through a lot as African Americans, they are the ones who endured unimaginable hardships. Their bravery and courage gave African American athletes the opportunity to chase any record they choose without fear of facing the same adversity. But it also gave jerks like Gary Sheffield and privileged brats like Barry Bonds the opportunity to cheat and then whine when people don't let them get away with it. And these players - the Bonds and Sheffields of the world - are a disgrace to those that came before them. "You're right, Gary. I think Bonds cheated his way to a record that I walked through the pits of hell to achieve and normally, I wouldn't want to be associated with or caught supporting such egregious behavior. But since he's also African American... well, hmm, let's call it bygones." That's not how it works! Stand by, support, and cheer anyone that's fighting like hell for glory. If you share the same race, great. But when that person is a cheating, fraudulent abomination that is making a mockery of an institution, as well as accomplishments for your own race of people, any sense of obligation needs to fall away. Shame on anyone who tries to guilt people into thinking otherwise. Put Gary Sheffield down on my list of people that need a swift steel-toed boot to the face.
Posted on 26 April 2007 | Filed under: MLB
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The Sky Is Falling In the Bronx
We're 8-11, last in the AL East, got swept by the D-Rays, and if I closed my eyes, I'd swear that our bullpen was replaced with girls from my high school softball team. Maybe the Mets will take A-Rod for Endy Chavez and Aaron Heilman... that Chavez is a speedster and Heilman's got moxie. Or wait, what about the entire Tigers rotation plus Joel Zumaya! Yeah, that'd be the trick! But are they too smart to let that pass? Damn. Just wait until A-Rod gets off this hot streak and the pitching STILL sucks. We'll be in extra last! It'll be curtains for the Yanks then. Looks like it's time for me to cancel MLB TV and my XM subscription because at four games back in the fourth week of April, history tells me that it's all a wash:
Clearly, this is going to end in shame and heartache ... Perhaps that was a little sarcasm-heavy. Please accept my sincere apologies. While I'm insensed at the current state of NYY affairs and the circumstances that have created it, I'm not particularly concerned about our end of season prospects. Does that make sense? I hate to see my team lose be it in March, April, or October and since I'm a hot-tempered, spoiled brat, our losses usually result in my throwing random objects and pouting about the resulting mess. But being angry doesn't mean that I'm in fear for our playoff hopes. Maybe I should be and I'm being foolish but if recent history has taught me anything, it is this:
I know a lot of that sounds arrogant but that's how it's been working out since the Diamondbacks handed us our asses in 2001. So while the bullpen keeps blowing up like AC Slater's quiche, we aren't plagued with the same concerns from previous seasons (poor hitting, horrendous fielding, Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, and a destroyed clubhouse). Assuming our pitching can improve from blasphemous to mediocre and our hitting remains above par, I see no reason why we can't reach the playoffs. Frankly, that's when I'll get nervous... that's when I'll go through the nail biting, hand wringing, bitching, and moaning because our aging Hessian soldiers are overrated and overpaid. But until then, I'm gonna stick to being pissed off yet oddly content in knowing that if the New York Yankees were above .500, it just wouldn't feel like April.
Posted on 25 April 2007 | Filed under: MLB
, New York Yankees
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Abandon ship! Fire Cashman! Fire Torre! Give Clemens $70 million! Trade A-Rod for young pitching! Red Sux in first with no sign that they'll ever lose again! Abandon ship!
Ann Coulter & JJ Walker - Am I Missing Something?
Is anyone else confused? I can't make heads or tails of it. We have to assume that Jimmie Walker is too cracked out to see the irony of this pairing, so asking about his involvement will get us nowhere. But what about Coulter? She is the most bigoted cunt of the modern age. You'd think she'd cut out her adam's apple before going within 50 feet of Mr. Dy-no-mite. But since it appears to be in tact, there must be some other explanation. I can think of six and even they are a stretch:
I'm leaning toward five but if it's six, we need to drag out the time machine to see just where Ann Coulter went wrong. (link swiped from Paul Katcher)
Posted on 24 April 2007 | Filed under: Shallow Observations
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PFA Award: Cristina Ronaldo > Snoop Drog
Cesc really had no chance but I kinda thought Drogba might. He had a storming season at the Bridge, saving Chel$ki's arses on numerous occasions. Cristina's brilliance notwithstanding shouldn't Drogba's season-saving efforts count more than what is accomplished by a prancing nancy that plays for the New York Yankees of the EPL? The answer to that 100% serious question is yes. As such, Drogba's failure to take home the Player of the Year award must be unrelated to a supposedly brilliant season by Cristina and more to do with something tragic like this:
No one in their right mind would knowingly vote for a raplete, least of all one who chooses to identify himself with a name that sounds like the bacteria eating away at Al Davis' brain. Oh well. My real issue is this: When will the tragicomedy of professional athletes plying their trades as rappers come to an end? Haven't we all suffered enough? Having enough money to find a decent producer that can pump out some semi-catchy tracks shouldn't give one license to try to be Jay-Z but let's pretend that it does. How does one get the urge to cut a rap album or even a track? I understand how it works when you're trying to rap your way out of poverty.. when your only lyrical fodder is guns, violence, and the tragic circumstances of your life. But when you're a professional athlete sitting on millions upon millions and, quite often, with championships to your name, how does the mood strike? Are you sitting in your Cribs-esque home (or dorm room), watching the three girls you just banged walk past your MVP trophy and think to yourself, "Damn. Being me owns. I oughta rap about it and tell everybody how hard I am." Is that how it works? Or is it just an extension of the theory that all singers want to be actors, all actors want to be Hamlet, and all comedians want to write novels? Whatever it is, it has to stop.
The fair majority of rap requires absolutely no talent. Anyone armed with a 3rd grade vocabulary and a pair of Timberlands can be one of millions paid to repeat asinine phrases like "skeet skeet skeet," "till the sweat drips off my balls," and "slap her with a dick." But rap done properly - the type where the voice is used as a rhythmic instrument instead of thuggish grunting and inane rambling for a club - actually requires talent, intelligence, and skill. So if you're a professional athlete, why subject yourself to the humiliation? Why be the guy music critics compare to a latter day, watered down Will Smith? Part of being a pro is having an ego the size of Wyoming but if you have a modicum of pride, why add yourself to the millions of faux-thug tools whose lyrical skill is based in telling you exactly why they're fly and precisely why you're not (the answer is:"I'm hot 'cause I'm fly; You ain't 'cause you're not"), and if asked not to use a verse that includes some Chronic 2001 cliche, their brains might explode? It makes no sense to me.
Posted on 23 April 2007 | Filed under: Audio & Video
, Football (Soccer)
, General Sports
, Shallow Observations
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Cristina Ronaldo took home the double last night, winning the PFA Young Player of the Year and the Player of the Year awards. Though wholly lacking in testosterone and class, Cristina is in spectacular form this year but I still hoped the awards would go to Didier Drogba and Cesc Fabregas. 
If you played any of these efforts at a party, your guests would mock you and leave in disgust. 
I'm all for exploring one's talents but at no time in the history of rapletes has any one of these blokes had a sodding lick of it that didn't involve hand-eye coordination. Now, if Tony Parker or Shaquille O'Neal or Clint Dempsey wanted to take up professional juggling or hacky sack, that would make perfect sense but rapping?
Beer Launching FridgeIt's times like these that I wish I had a modicum of useful talent... if I could get another one that launched delicious nachos (without making a mess, of course), I'd be all set.
Posted on 20 April 2007 | Filed under: Audio & Video
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Calvin Johnson to Oakland Suddenly More Realistic
Now, I want to make it clear that I don't care that Johnson has smoked marijuana. The dreadful odor aside, I can't find any negatives that would rank lower than those associated with alcohol, cigarettes, or any other mind-altering substance. For all we know, the sweet ganja is what makes him so sleep, smooth and refreshing. You see, I admire Johnson for doing the right thing by admitting to past behaviors that others may look upon unfavorably. It's incredible courageous, especially when millions are at stake. But this act didn't just show coaches, fans, and general managers that he can tell the truth. This admission caused Al Davis to turn his hearing aid up a notch. Do you realize how crucial this is at T-15 days to draft time? Suddenly, Duante Culpepper Redux ain't lookin so hot! Though what I'm really hoping for is a decision to trade down for more picks, this may be the best non-Jamarcus alternative that Al will agree to, so consider my hope restored! Al loves the "troubled but talented and trying to reform" routine and if that's what it takes to snag Calvin Johnson at number 1, then please Calvin - keep smoking and telling us about it! You can do it, buddy. The Oakland Raiders need you. My sanity needs you... and so do my ulcers. [IMG: CalvinJohnsonOnline]
Posted on 19 April 2007 | Filed under: NFL
, Oakland Raiders
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If I had to guess, 75% of players eligible for this year's NFL Draft have used marijuana. Hell, 10% are probably using as I type. But three players out of that 75% (or whatever the number happens to be) are projected to be top-10 picks in a couple of weeks;
Vick Donates More to Valtrex Than Victims' FamiliesMichael Vick, who is likely the richest and most well-known former student of Virginia Tech University, felt so sorry for the victims of this massacre that he donated not $100, $500 or even $1000. Nope, this kind citizen chipped in a cool $10,000! And if you're mocking his contribution, shame on you. $10,000 is some serious paper at work for a guy who has the highest NFL contract in the history of the league and pulled in $23,102,750 from the NFL alone in 2005. What can you really expect? Besides, it wasn't long ago that the NFL fined him just as much for flipping off Atlanta Falcons fans, so I could see how he might think it fit to lay the same amount of cash on 32 families whose loved ones were just lost in a senseless tragedy. That said - making any donation at all is a great thing but I can't help but think that a man of such substantial riches who sees it fit to spend tens of thousands on frivolities like rims for cars he drives a few times a year could have done a little more. I guess my logic is this - if you can drop $100K on a customized H2, why not this as well? I dunno. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Anyway, earlier this morning, Vin from SportsColumn sent me an IM, asking if I thought he was a jerk for thinking Vick's drop in the bucket donation was an act of superdickery. I did my best to help disavow him of such notions...  Sportscolumn: Did you see Michael Vick is donating $10k to assist families of the VT tragedy? Is it wrong that I think that's cheap as hell? Flash Warner: It's completely dick, especially when he probably spends more than that a year on his Valtrex prescription. Michael Vick is a complete waste. He was fined just as much for flipping off Falcons fans last year. Maybe this is his designated charity for the funds.. SC: Exactly. What's 10k? After his accountant gets through with it, he's out 5k. I realize that his name adds something to this cause... but what? It's not like this is some niche charity that needs his celebrity. FW: This was a completely insensitive move. I assure you, the 24s that one of his 8 Escalades is sitting on cost double. My guess is that the donation will go up after the mockery and outrage starts to increase SC: Right. If you're going to make a donation, make it one that is more than the jewelry you allegedly lost in your non-marijuana holding water bottle. “When tragic things like this happen, families have enough to deal with, and if I can help in some small way, that’s the least I can do,” said Vick FW: Some small way is right maybe they can have pizza at the memorial now SC: How about you put down the bong and fly up to Blacksburg to talk to the kids. You're a loser, a terrible QB, and a dick but you're still a legend up there. FW: How long do you think it'll take him to come to that conclusion though? Even with the water bottle thing, it took him 3 months to realize that we needed an explanation beyond "that's mine. they can't take it" He is completely consumed with himself. The only way Virginia Tech is getting more money from him is if they promise to put his name on the stadium. It's pathetic. SC: Michael Vick just called and said, "Did i donate 10k? If I'm donating, don't criticize me. That' all I'm saying." By the way, overlooked in our hatred for Michael Vick is the fact that he did donate *something*. Too bad he's such a douchebag and can't count. He probably thinks it's a lot of money. FW: I think it's great that he at least made an effort but he's probably the richest and most well-known former student they have he can't find it in his budget to give a little more? If there was a massacre at Syracuse, I can't imagine Donovan McNabb sending a $10K check and calling it a day SC: I wish Randy Moss would come out and donate $20k cash and say "what's 20k to me? ain't shit. Michael Vick can s%$ my dick" FW: That will only work if he throws out a "straight cash homey" in there as well
Posted on 19 April 2007 | Filed under: NFL
, Shallow Observations
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Calamity James: Where Are the Gay EPL Stars?In addition to his fortnightly column with The Observer, David "Calamity" James - current keeper for Portsmouth - has done a little sport blogging for the Guardian. In his most recent installment, he asks where the gay stars are hiding in the English Premier League. Normally, I'd be surprised that any prominent athlete would make such a lengthy statement but this is David James we're talking about -- a straight bloke so secure in his masculinity that he has strutted down Giorgio Armani's catwalk, modeled for H&M, and painted nude portraits of his teammates. If anyone in the EPL has the stones to write 2,000 words advocating for the tolerance of gay athletes, I'd place him at the front of the line. James handles the issue in the context of general celebrity, thinking that if you can be out and proud in other forms of entertainment, then why not sport as well? If 1 in 10 people are gay, there should be at least one on every starting XI and at least a couple per team. And if those statistics hold true, there should be some gay or bisexual stars in our midst. As such, he asks:
Hmm... let's see here, Calamity. We are a sport with teams supported by psychotic, racist hooligans that actually travel for the specific purpose of physically assaulting opposing fans. We are a sport where a multitude of fanbases find it acceptable to bellow "paki" and "death to Arabs" chants, make Nazi salutes, and hoot monkey sounds and toss banana peels every time a player of African descent touches the ball. Gee, I wonder why a homosexual would be in fear of coming out. Sure, players aren't getting covered in boot polished and hided anymore but all the same, this isn't the figure skating crowd. That said, all of these negatives certainly haven't stopped Cristina Ronaldo. If only more players could have such courage. Louis Vuitton manpurse, snakeskin Prada belt, frosted tips, and an eye for the goal.  Bravo, Cristina. You're a bloody pioneer... Hat-tip: Can't Stop the Bleeding
Posted on 18 April 2007 | Filed under: Football (Soccer)
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Update: Bode Miller Still Missing His Sack
Pardon me while I laugh. A hard ass? Bode must be confused. A hard-ass walks into Turino and beats the fuck out of the competition. A hard ass is intense, fierce, and takes no-nonsense from the competition's beginning to its end. You, Bode Miller, are not a hard ass. Partying with women that look like they were rode hard and put away wet and then coming through with no medals doesn't make make the cut. Thumbing your nose at the USOC, US Ski Team, and international ski federation doesn't help either. Those actions simply make you a whiny bitch that can't live up to hype you helped generate. It may be a newsflash to the Bodester but I vividly recall him signing the multi-million dollar Nike contract on his own -- I don't think he was under pain of death by "the man" to do so. I also remember the Join Body campaign, the countless "Cribs-esque" visits into his life, and all of that Bodhisattva on skis bullshit he was aching for us to buy into and embrace so he'd make more money. This jackass fucked up his own chi and now he wants to whine about it? I refuse. The thing is, I don't blame him for taking advantage of the fame and the millions or even for refusing to give the Olympics another try. What I blame him for is representing a country and having so little respect for his position that the only medal he actually made an effort to bring home had a bottle of Captain Morgan etched on the back. The fact that he can't recognize that, opting instead to blame America's poisoned culture, makes this "too much emphasis on winning" business as laughable as it is disgusting. How Bode Miller can look himself in the mirror after a comment like that completely baffles me. This guy needs to be tarred, feathered, and thrown in a chicken coop. He is unfit. So here it is, Bode. You're a coward that sold out for the fame, money, and women and threw a tantrum when you didn't like the consequences. Face it. Embrace it. Own it. It's the only thing we'll ever remember about you.
Posted on 17 April 2007 | Filed under: Olympics
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Once again, Bode Miller is executing bad form. Though still enjoying the World Cup circuit, Miller said that if he's still skiing in 2010,
Something to Consider: Caning AthletesThere's an interview with Adam Jones (he doesn't deserve to be Pacman while he's out of the league) on NFL.com where he complains about being made the poster boy of Roger Goodell's new disciplinary policy. As one would expect, he seems to feign a bit of indignation for his year long suspension:
Taking it like a man, for the most part? As far as I'm aware, you either take it like a man or you don't and the former entails doing your time and shutting your bloody mouth about it. So, using Pacman's translation, I suspect "for the most part" means appealing the decision, being shocked when it doesn't work out in your favor, and then calling Al Sharpton to fight the injustice.. while that's going on, you bite another cop, and, if you have time, maybe run over a meter maid with your SUV. Anyway, thinking about Jones, Chris Henry, and the various amounts of criminal thuggery going on around professional sports got me thinking -- isn't there a better alternative to fining and/or suspending athletes? Isn't there a way to really make them hurt? As far as I can tell, fining and suspensions are, in general, fairly useless. Significant suspensions are only handed down in the rarest of substance abuse infractions. Meanwhile, fining is like punishing a child by sending him to his room and taking away Super Smash Bros. Melee when he has 840 other games to choose from and four systems on which to pay them. Unless you have a serious coke and hos habit, I seriously doubt anything under a $75,000 fine is gonna sting too much. The players usually give the fine to charity, so there's no guilt involved. All it really means is somebody in your posse has to wait until the next payday to get their own H2 with tv screens in the headrests, Cristal chilling in the center console, and a vibrating back seat. As such, I propose caning. As far as I'm concerned, this is something our society should be doing anyway. There is no better example than that frat boy smart ass Michael Fey that got his arse set on fire after vandalizing his way through Singapore. If you don't recall this incident, Fey spent his pre-caning time behaving like a spoiled deviant, thumbing his nose at Singapore's rules in some delusional belief that the United States would protect him. He was not protected and got lit up appropriately. After the caning, I have never seen a more contrite, disciplined individual. Best thing for him, really. He did wrong, he got his licks, and he was set straight. You can't tell me that there aren't professional athletes who could use this treatment. Terrell Owens can handle a $50,000 fine but can he deal with the repeated trauma of a second caning? I think not. Sleep through a film session and you get 3 licks... think he'll be sleeping again?  Team offenses = 3 licks Substance abuse = 5 licks Off-field thuggery = 10 licks Making it Rain and inciting triple homicide = 25 licks I know this all sounds a little Middle Ages but we're at the point where something more should be done. A higher step needs to be taken. Maybe a little corporal punishment would reduce this downward spiral into the morass of anarchy. So we're clear, I don't expect professional athletes to behave 100% of the time. They're human (for the most part) but I do expect a little order. I do expect behavior that warrants their million dollar paychecks. How much longer are we going to allow these jerks to contribute to the ever-growing hoard of mindless hooligans while hiding behid the "You can't do anything to me. I ain't even been charged yet!" defense? Something's gotta give here because I don't see things getting any better. Besides, all most of these punks is a good spanking anyway. If some parental figure had taken care of this in their formative years, I doubt it would have come to this. ====== Update: Check out the Wade Blogs for a pretty cool story about Kurt Vonnegut's stint as a writer for Sports Illustrated. In case you weren't aware, Vonnegut - author of Slaughterhouse Five and Cat's Cradle and the greatest American satirist since Mark Twain - died last week. If you still don't know who he is, go to the Wade Blogs anyway... because I asked you so nicely :)
Posted on 16 April 2007 | Filed under: NFL
, Shallow Observations
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Thanks for Nothing, NFL Scheduling CommitteeFor a number years, Al Davis has claimed that the NFL is out to get the Oakland Raiders, using the regular season schedule (and the opening game, in particular) as his evidence. In all that time, I have never believed him. The schedules are predetermined with 14 of a team's 16 potential opponents set from 2002 - 2010. The other two games are determined by a team's record the previous year. There is no conspiracy. As such, I blew off Davis' remarks as the rants of a crazy old man whose brain was being decimated by the same flesh eating virus that was destroying his face. And while that is likely the case, when Al complains about the NFL trying to put the wood to us this year, he'll be dead-on-balls accurate.
2007 Regular Season Schedule At least we open with Detroit. If we get lucky, Jon Kitna's 3rd quarter meltdown will lead to a couple interceptions that we can turn into field goals and this dramatic 6-point swing will help us notch a W before getting slaughtered after the bye week (Can we temporarily stop the bleeding at week 9? Maybe. Just maybe. Hope springs eternal). That said, a schedule like this is like setting a man on fire after someone else has already riddled him with bullets. Good lookin out, assholes.
Posted on 12 April 2007 | Filed under: NFL
, Oakland Raiders
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You see, after a putrid 2-14 season,
Rutgers Had a Cinderella Run?
So I was watching "The Today Show" this morning while Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira were interviewing C. Vivian Stringer, head coach of the Rutgers women's basketball team, and one of the players. Beneath them was an obnoxiously large caption that asked, "Will the Rutgers team forgive Imus?" For a while, it went as you would expect -- they lobbed obvious questions and Stringer spoke about racism, sexism, and the tragedy of her team not having the opportunity to enjoy their success because of a cantankerous old fool. Stringer then touched on moral decay, society's willingness to look the other way, etc. I was with her on all of that. Huzzah for awareness and calls for proactive change. But then she faded back to the Rutgers story of triumph and harped for so long that I forgot about the real issue and instead focused on the fact that women's basketball is just bloody dreadful. According to C. Vivian, Don Imus caused the entire nation to miss out on the greatest sports story of the year. His racist, sexist attempt at humor prevented us from reveling in the Rutgers story.. one of inspiration, faith, and hard work...
... Because of Don Imus, little girls with dreams won't be regaled with heroic tales of the Scarlet Knights, the veritable little engine that could.. they won't channel the fighting spirit of the five-feet nothin, one hundred and nothin, hardly a speck of athletic ability David that took on the Goliath women's college hoops and.. uh, well, got beat the fuck down. Wait, what? I acknowledge that as a team of inexperienced underclassmen, Rutgers had no business in the National Championship game but this wasn't Hickory verses South Bend Central. I didn't catch Norman Dale on those sidelines, did you? Rutgers is an established program that is perennially ranked in the national polls, contending for BIG EAST championships, and appearing in the Big Dance. Just last year, they posted a 27-5 overall record and a perfect 16-0 slate in BIG EAST play to win two regular season titles in a row. And this year, they managed to knock out a 22-8 record and a 4 seed in the NCAA tournament... pretty nice for a supposed upstart. "Oh but we didn't have any seniors when we ran through the field!" Yeah? Well, two thumbs up for ya but you aren't some hard luck Cinderella coming out of nowhere to beat the odds. You play women's basketball - a sport where a good draw will give a young but talented team an 8 lane highway to the Final Four. Why? Because the sport boasts three elite teams, a few good ones, and another 800 that can't field a team where every member of the starting five can walk and chew gum at the same time. So while reaching the final game is an incredible achievement - especially for a school whose never had the honor - it wasn't that improbable. Don't get it twisted, Coach Stringer.
Posted on 11 April 2007 | Filed under: NCAA
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What I'm about to say should be inherently obvious, but disclaimers must always be made for the mental defective fucktards that will miss the fact that the focus of this post is not Don Imus.
Frank Thomas Deemed Too Violent for Innocent CanadiansThose peacenik clowns up in Canada have struck again. The politically correct, anal retentives at the Television Bureau of Canada - the watchdog that approves TV commercials for private broadcasters - have refused to air a 30-second commercial featuring Frank Thomas that promotes the start of the Blue Jays' new season. It seems that the Big Hurt's excessive display of pillowfight violence is not acceptable for the private broadcasting crowd. Shocking brutality, isn't it? Until the violence is removed, TBC won't air the commercial. But if you ask the television group, the Blue Jays shouldn't be surprised at this outcome. Advertisers are required to meet several guidelines for approval and must "keep the best interests of young children and youth in mind when producing commercials. Because children and youth are very impressionable, commercials should not contain any visual or audio portrayals which are detrimental to their well-being." To make matters worse, TBC, who also believes "even comedic violence" is crossing the line, refused to approve another of the Jays' commercials, this one featuring pitcher A. J. Burnett, until the word "dramatization" was added to the spot. What is wrong with these people? Your country is rooted in hockey and beer! How can a country that condones the existence of Labatt - which is Canadian for assmilk - Tie Domi, and Celine Dion have the audacity to deem this too violent? Here's how I see it... Frank Thomas' performance in this commercial made me laugh. Commericals involving Celine Dion make me want to kill myself. I think it's pretty clear what type of commercial should actually face banishment. Hat tip: The hot blokes at Sportscolumn Blog
Posted on 5 April 2007 | Filed under: Audio & Video
, MLB
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Picking Up A Hater Card (for Christians)So it's Passover, which means that I've swapped Coca-Cola and Cheez-Its for kosher Coke and matzo crackers... it's a bland existence. While grabbing a napkin out of the office kitchen yesterday, Beano approached - he was snarfing on what he referred to as a "naked BLT" except that he was missing the L and the T. While staring at his grubby, sausage fingers, I asked what happened - "Oh, well it's not necessarily a sandwich since I'm cutting carbs. So I'm going to have the lettuce and tomato at lunch." "So, really, you're just two-fisting a pound of bacon." "No. It's a BLT." For the uninformed, Beano is a maddening co-worker that has not only called me a fascist but has also tried to convert me to Christianity. He is sitting at #3 on my list of people to curb with my mighty boot of justice. "My pastor says it's Passover and that means that you, as a Jew, eat different food from Christians." Everything about this situation told me to turn around slowly and walk away and that's exactly what I did. He followed me back to my office. "What's that you've got?" This complex scenario sent Beano into deep thought until, without warning, he got up and walked away. I didn't see him again until a few minutes before practice when I spotted him putting a package of salmon steaks, bagels, and cream cheese in the refrigerator. That's when I kinda lost myself. It's not that I wanted to be mean (well, part of me did) but he's just so fucking irritating. He never understands anything and is about a stroke of common sense away from truly believing that I'm a baby-eating shape shifter. Just looking at him makes my brain throb with pain. It's horrible. Anyway, all he did was stand there staring at me as if I was the one that needed help. "I would like you to come to my church." I grew lightheaded. "You're turning red, Warner. You know, a little bit of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will calm you right down." He then handed me a green Gideon Bible... Witness to me and I will bust you in the face. Beano just fucked it up for everybody.
Posted on 4 April 2007 | Filed under: Jewtastic!
, Personal
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"What are you doing?"
Turning In My Hater Card (for A-Rod)
Ten years have passed since a boy named Kevin Graham approached me in math class and said, "Derek Jeter sucks dick! Alex Rodriguez is the best short stop basically in the universe." Resolute in the belief that no one in Major League Baseball could exceed a Yankee at any position, I seethed with anger and started hoping that this boy, this blasphemer, would get hit by one of the buses after school. I was vaguely aware of A-Rod’s existence but I knew that I’d be damned if he was going to be the best short stop basically in the universe. So when we signed him, I got a lot of these "what're you gonna do now? You can't cheer for that guy can you?" questions. Part of me wanted to. He's a once in a generation talent. But at the same time, I was dying for a legitimate reason to hate him. The 8th grade rage still burned in my soul. Besides, I didn't want to be that tool that bashes a guy until they suit up in my team's colors and then suddenly sees the light on all of these magical qualities. As a result, I spent the 2004 season in relative ambivalence until the ALDS where Rodriguez all but carried us against the Twins, hitting .421/.476/.737. How can you bash that? Hired gun or not, there's nothing not to love. But then this happened:  And then this:  That's when I went off the deep end with thoughts like this:
And that's how I've been until now - an irrational, hypocritical asshole that used anything possible as justification for hating the greatest player of his generation. Purple lips? What a jerk! Saying the right thing? Screw this guy. Not being Derek Jeter? Hang him. Why? Because he embodies this failed $200 million mercenary experiment and deserves all the abuse anyone dares dish out... I now hang my head in shame. I'm finally accepting something I've always known -- Though a complete head case from time to time, Alex Rodriguez busts his ass day in and out, playing out of position and hustling on every play to earn a paycheck that he more than deserves. And when he comes up short, when he's making errors or going through a cold streak, he doesn't shirk the blame. He doesn't blow it off. He works and fights to return to form. How many professional athletes can claim as much? I'm not one of those Project A13 Pollyannas who believe that supporting Alex Rodriguez will cause the heavens to rain candy and rainbows nor am I about to become some obnoxious fangirl -- I reserve that insanity for Andy Pettitte. But I am woefully behind the curve on showing the best shortstop since Honus Wagner the respect he deserves. It's going to take some time to get used to this type of thing but I'm looking forward to it... not being a complete jackass probably feels pretty neat.
Posted on 2 April 2007 | Filed under: MLB
, New York Yankees
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Last Saturday, I decided to call it a career as an Alex Rodriguez basher and with the Yankees' first game just an hour away, it gives me a weird feeling inside.
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