Something to Consider: Caning Athletes

"I expected the suspension, but for a whole year for a guy that hadn’t been charged with nothing? I really didn’t agree with it. But for the most part, I’m taking it like a man. I’m going to appeal it."

Team offenses = 3 licks 

Update: Check out the Wade Blogs for a pretty cool story about Kurt Vonnegut’s stint as a writer for Sports Illustrated. In case you weren’t aware, Vonnegut – author of Slaughterhouse Five and Cat’s Cradle and the greatest American satirist since Mark Twain – died last week. If you still don’t know who he is, go to the Wade Blogs anyway… because I asked you so nicely

Thanks for Nothing, NFL Scheduling Committee

For a number years, Al Davis has claimed that the NFL is out to get the Oakland Raiders, using the regular season schedule (and the opening game, in particular) as his evidence. In all that time, I have never believed him. The schedules are predetermined with 14 of a team’s 16 potential opponents set from 2002 – 2010. The other two games are determined by a team’s record the previous year. There is no conspiracy.

As such, I blew off Davis’ remarks as the rants of a crazy old man whose brain was being decimated by the same flesh eating virus that was destroying his face. And while that is likely the case, when Al complains about the NFL trying to put the wood to us this year, he’ll be dead-on-balls accurate.

You see, after a putrid 2-14 season, the Silver & Black have been tasked with the hardest schedule in the league. Our opponents managed a .539 winning percentage last year and all three opponents in the AFC West finished .500 or better. What’s next, NFL? Gonna make us trade our #1 pick for Josh "out of the league for 3 years" Booty? Oh wait, we already signed him. Nevermind.

2007 Regular Season Schedule
Week 1 – vs. Detroit
Week 2 – @ Denver
Week 3 – vs. Cleveland
Week 4 – @ Miami
Week 5 – BYE WEEK
Week 6 – @ San Diego
Week 7 – vs. Kansas City
Week 8 – @ Tennessee
Week 9 – vs. Houston
Week 10 – vs. Chicago
Week 11 – @ Minnesota
Week 12 – @ Kansas City
Week 13 – vs. Denver
Week 14 – @ Green Bay
Week 15 – vs. Indianapolis
Week 16 – @ Jacksonville
Week 17 – vs. San Diego

At least we open with Detroit. If we get lucky, Jon Kitna’s 3rd quarter meltdown will lead to a couple interceptions that we can turn into field goals and this dramatic 6-point swing will help us notch a W before getting slaughtered after the bye week (Can we temporarily stop the bleeding at week 9? Maybe. Just maybe. Hope springs eternal). That said, a schedule like this is like setting a man on fire after someone else has already riddled him with bullets. Good lookin out, assholes.

Rutgers Had a Cinderella Run?

What I’m about to say should be inherently obvious, but disclaimers must always be made for the mental defective fucktards that will miss the fact that the focus of this post is not Don Imus.

<Disclaimer> Don Imus is a haggard, disgusting piece of trash that ought to be beaten to death with bamboo sticks and set aflame. Should he be fired? Definitely, but that’s a pipe dream. His employers and the media in general have spent years turning a blind eye to his racist, misogynistic, and homophobic behavior while firing others for far less and only now they feel the outrage? Bollocks. The worst that will happen here – beyond a paid vacation until this blows over – is that Imus dips into rehab just to remind everyone that he’s really, really, REALLY sorry.</Disclaimer>

So I was watching "The Today Show" this morning while Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira were interviewing C. Vivian Stringer, head coach of the Rutgers women’s basketball team, and one of the players. Beneath them was an obnoxiously large caption that asked, "Will the Rutgers team forgive Imus?"

For a while, it went as you would expect — they lobbed obvious questions and Stringer spoke about racism, sexism, and the tragedy of her team not having the opportunity to enjoy their success because of a cantankerous old fool. Stringer then touched on moral decay, society’s willingness to look the other way, etc. I was with her on all of that. Huzzah for awareness and calls for proactive change. But then she faded back to the Rutgers story of triumph and harped for so long that I forgot about the real issue and instead focused on the fact that women’s basketball is just bloody dreadful. 

According to C. Vivian, Don Imus caused the entire nation to miss out on the greatest sports story of the year. His racist, sexist attempt at humor prevented us from reveling in the Rutgers story.. one of inspiration, faith, and hard work…

Related question: If Don Imus wasn’t a contemptible person, would you have remembered who Tennessee stomped to death in the National Championship game? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Kind of sad but somewhat ironic considering one of Stringer’s base complaints.

… Because of Don Imus, little girls with dreams won’t be regaled with heroic tales of the Scarlet Knights, the veritable little engine that could.. they won’t channel the fighting spirit of the five-feet nothin, one hundred and nothin, hardly a speck of athletic ability David that took on the Goliath women’s college hoops and.. uh, well, got beat the fuck down. Wait, what? 

I acknowledge that as a team of inexperienced underclassmen, Rutgers had no business in the National Championship game but this wasn’t Hickory verses South Bend Central. I didn’t catch Norman Dale on those sidelines, did you? Rutgers is an established program that is perennially ranked in the national polls, contending for BIG EAST championships, and appearing in the Big Dance. Just last year, they posted a 27-5 overall record and a perfect 16-0 slate in BIG EAST play to win two regular season titles in a row. And this year, they managed to knock out a 22-8 record and a 4 seed in the NCAA tournament… pretty nice for a supposed upstart.

"Oh but we didn’t have any seniors when we ran through the field!" Yeah? Well, two thumbs up for ya but you aren’t some hard luck Cinderella coming out of nowhere to beat the odds. You play women’s basketball – a sport where a good draw will give a young but talented team an 8 lane highway to the Final Four. Why? Because the sport boasts three elite teams, a few good ones, and another 800 that can’t field a team where every member of the starting five can walk and chew gum at the same time. So while reaching the final game is an incredible achievement – especially for a school whose never had the honor – it wasn’t that improbable. Don’t get it twisted, Coach Stringer.

Frank Thomas Deemed Too Violent for Innocent Canadians

Those peacenik clowns up in Canada have struck again. The politically correct, anal retentives at the Television Bureau of Canada – the watchdog that approves TV commercials for private broadcasters – have refused to air a 30-second commercial featuring Frank Thomas that promotes the start of the Blue Jays’ new season. It seems that the Big Hurt’s excessive display of pillowfight violence is not acceptable for the private broadcasting crowd.

Shocking brutality, isn’t it?  

Until the violence is removed, TBC won’t air the commercial. But if you ask the television group, the Blue Jays shouldn’t be surprised at this outcome. Advertisers are required to meet several guidelines for approval and must "keep the best interests of young children and youth in mind when producing commercials. Because children and youth are very impressionable, commercials should not contain any visual or audio portrayals which are detrimental to their well-being."

To make matters worse, TBC, who also believes "even comedic violence" is crossing the line, refused to approve another of the Jays’ commercials, this one featuring pitcher A. J. Burnett, until the word "dramatization" was added to the spot.

What is wrong with these people? Your country is rooted in hockey and beer! How can a country that condones the existence of Labatt – which is Canadian for assmilk – Tie Domi, and Celine Dion have the audacity to deem this too violent? Here’s how I see it… Frank Thomas’ performance in this commercial made me laugh. Commericals involving Celine Dion make me want to kill myself. I think it’s pretty clear what type of commercial should actually face banishment.
Hat tip: The hot blokes at Sportscolumn Blog

Picking Up A Hater Card (for Christians)

So it’s Passover, which means that I’ve swapped Coca-Cola and Cheez-Its for kosher Coke and matzo crackers… it’s a bland existence. While grabbing a napkin out of the office kitchen yesterday, Beano approached – he was snarfing on what he referred to as a "naked BLT" except that he was missing the L and the T. While staring at his grubby, sausage fingers, I asked what happened – "Oh, well it’s not necessarily a sandwich since I’m cutting carbs. So I’m going to have the lettuce and tomato at lunch." "So, really, you’re just two-fisting a pound of bacon." "No. It’s a BLT."

For the uninformed, Beano is a maddening co-worker that has not only called me a fascist but has also tried to convert me to Christianity. He is sitting at #3 on my list of people to curb with my mighty boot of justice.

"My pastor says it’s Passover and that means that you, as a Jew, eat different food from Christians."
"Not exactly. I think your pastor may be conf–"
"I’d like to share in that with you… as a Christian man."

Everything about this situation told me to turn around slowly and walk away and that’s exactly what I did. He followed me back to my office.

"What’s that you’ve got?"
"It’s a bagel with cream cheese, tomato, and lox."
"Is that significant to the Exodus or the Angel of Death?"
"Neither. It’s just yumtastic. However, I contend that the Angel of Death wouldn’t have been so destructive had he enjoyed a bagel and lox from time to time."

This complex scenario sent Beano into deep thought until, without warning, he got up and walked away. I didn’t see him again until a few minutes before practice when I spotted him putting a package of salmon steaks, bagels, and cream cheese in the refrigerator.

"What are you doing?"
"I googled your breakfast, so I picked up a lox for a sandwich."
"That’s a 5-pound piece of salmon!"
"No, it’s a lox."

That’s when I kinda lost myself. It’s not that I wanted to be mean (well, part of me did) but he’s just so fucking irritating. He never understands anything and is about a stroke of common sense away from truly believing that I’m a baby-eating shape shifter. Just looking at him makes my brain throb with pain. It’s horrible. Anyway, all he did was stand there staring at me as if I was the one that needed help.

"I would like you to come to my church."
"Are you trying to convert me again?"
"No. I want Jesus to see you in His house and while you’re there you can speak to our congregation about your experiences." I was baffled. "It would be great for you to come and tell us what you’re facing and maybe say some Hebrew words."

I grew lightheaded.

"You’re turning red, Warner. You know, a little bit of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will calm you right down." He then handed me a green Gideon Bible…

Witness to me and I will bust you in the face. Beano just fucked it up for everybody.

Turning In My Hater Card (for A-Rod)

Last Saturday, I decided to call it a career as an Alex Rodriguez basher and with the Yankees’ first game just an hour away, it gives me a weird feeling inside.

Ten years have passed since a boy named Kevin Graham approached me in math class and said, "Derek Jeter sucks dick! Alex Rodriguez is the best short stop basically in the universe." Resolute in the belief that no one in Major League Baseball could exceed a Yankee at any position, I seethed with anger and started hoping that this boy, this blasphemer, would get hit by one of the buses after school. I was vaguely aware of A-Rod’s existence but I knew that I’d be damned if he was going to be the best short stop basically in the universe.

And so it goes that since that fateful moment in Mr. Harless’ 8th grade pre-algebra class, it hasn’t really mattered what A-Rod has done… whether his actions have been good, bad, or otherwise, I have found a way to completely hate and, in turn, mock him for it. But in the mean time, Rodriguez has become the best short stop basically in the universe and so remains, his current status in the Bronx notwithstanding. 

So when we signed him, I got a lot of these "what’re you gonna do now? You can’t cheer for that guy can you?" questions. Part of me wanted to. He’s a once in a generation talent. But at the same time, I was dying for a legitimate reason to hate him. The 8th grade rage still burned in my soul. Besides, I didn’t want to be that tool that bashes a guy until they suit up in my team’s colors and then suddenly sees the light  on all of these magical qualities. As a result, I spent the 2004 season in relative ambivalence until the ALDS where Rodriguez all but carried us against the Twins, hitting .421/.476/.737. How can you bash that? Hired gun or not, there’s nothing not to love. 

But then this happened:

And then this:

That’s when I went off the deep end with thoughts like this:

"This guy is a wanking arse with no sack. If he’s pulling THAT much money, he should be hitting .850 with 213 home runs, 400 RBI, 80 steals, and a serious love for playing out of position. And if he can do all of that AND hit Curt Schilling with bolts of lightning from his arse while both are in their respective dugouts AND make the sun shine on my birthday then that MIGHT justify me smiling when he comes to the plate… What do you mean, ‘he can’t do that’? What a fucking clown. We’d be better off with Troy Glaus."

And that’s how I’ve been until now – an irrational, hypocritical asshole that used anything possible as justification for hating the greatest player of his generation. Purple lips? What a jerk! Saying the right thing?  Screw this guy. Not being Derek Jeter? Hang him. Why? Because he embodies this failed $200 million mercenary experiment and deserves all the abuse anyone dares dish out…

I now hang my head in shame. 

I’m finally accepting something I’ve always known — Though a complete head case from time to time, Alex Rodriguez busts his ass day in and out, playing out of position and hustling on every play to earn a paycheck that he more than deserves. And when he comes up short, when he’s making errors or going through a cold streak, he doesn’t shirk the blame. He doesn’t blow it off. He works and fights to return to form. How many professional athletes can claim as much?

I’m not one of those Project A13 Pollyannas who believe that supporting Alex Rodriguez will cause the heavens to rain candy and rainbows nor am I about to become some obnoxious fangirl — I reserve that insanity for Andy Pettitte. But I am woefully behind the curve on showing the best shortstop since Honus Wagner the respect he deserves. It’s going to take some time to get used to this type of thing but I’m looking forward to it… not being a complete jackass probably feels pretty neat.