There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Picking Up A Hater Card (for Christians)

So it's Passover, which means that I've swapped Coca-Cola and Cheez-Its for kosher Coke and matzo crackers... it's a bland existence. While grabbing a napkin out of the office kitchen yesterday, Beano approached - he was snarfing on what he referred to as a "naked BLT" except that he was missing the L and the T. While staring at his grubby, sausage fingers, I asked what happened - "Oh, well it's not necessarily a sandwich since I'm cutting carbs. So I'm going to have the lettuce and tomato at lunch." "So, really, you're just two-fisting a pound of bacon." "No. It's a BLT."

For the uninformed, Beano is a maddening co-worker that has not only called me a fascist but has also tried to convert me to Christianity. He is sitting at #3 on my list of people to curb with my mighty boot of justice.

"My pastor says it's Passover and that means that you, as a Jew, eat different food from Christians."
"Not exactly. I think your pastor may be conf--"
"I'd like to share in that with you... as a Christian man."

Everything about this situation told me to turn around slowly and walk away and that's exactly what I did. He followed me back to my office.

"What's that you've got?"
"It's a bagel with cream cheese, tomato, and lox."
"Is that significant to the Exodus or the Angel of Death?"
"Neither. It's just yumtastic. However, I contend that the Angel of Death wouldn't have been so destructive had he enjoyed a bagel and lox from time to time."

This complex scenario sent Beano into deep thought until, without warning, he got up and walked away. I didn't see him again until a few minutes before practice when I spotted him putting a package of salmon steaks, bagels, and cream cheese in the refrigerator.

"What are you doing?"
"I googled your breakfast, so I picked up a lox for a sandwich."
"That's a 5-pound piece of salmon!"
"No, it's a lox."

That's when I kinda lost myself. It's not that I wanted to be mean (well, part of me did) but he's just so fucking irritating. He never understands anything and is about a stroke of common sense away from truly believing that I'm a baby-eating shape shifter. Just looking at him makes my brain throb with pain. It's horrible. Anyway, all he did was stand there staring at me as if I was the one that needed help.

"I would like you to come to my church."
"Are you trying to convert me again?"
"No. I want Jesus to see you in His house and while you're there you can speak to our congregation about your experiences." I was baffled. "It would be great for you to come and tell us what you're facing and maybe say some Hebrew words."

I grew lightheaded.

"You're turning red, Warner. You know, a little bit of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will calm you right down." He then handed me a green Gideon Bible...

Witness to me and I will bust you in the face. Beano just fucked it up for everybody.

Posted at April 4, 2007 2:56 PM

Comments (11): Picking Up A Hater Card (for Christians)

Adam Castro	April 4, 2007 5:13 PM
	How do you keep yourself from grabbing a bat and teeing off? He drives me crazy and I don't even know the dude.

Rich	April 4, 2007 5:46 PM
	Dear God, I'm Catholic, and I even hate douchebags like that. This guy makes you want to take up golf, if only for the sole purpose of using a 5 iron on his balls and then when he ducks over, using it on his face. Oh, wait. I'm telling my preference on how he'd get hurt...

Anderson	April 4, 2007 7:03 PM
	I usually don't support other dudes getting kicked in the balls but in this case, he needs to be put in check. Better you rip him now and he learn a lesson before he gets in the face of the wrong people... the way he's going though, YOU might be the wrong people haha

Erik	April 4, 2007 8:23 PM
	Maybe it's just me, but Beano sounds like one Hell of a good time. lol He sounds like a cartoon character. Why don't you try flattening his head with an anvil and see if it pops back into shape after being compressed for a second or two? Oh the laughs you two could share!

Silver	April 4, 2007 11:02 PM
	You should invite him to temple so he can share his views in front of the whole congregation. I'm pretty sure Mr. Aronson in the 3rd row would be all about knocking him out. He's just looking for a reason to hit somebody.

Britton Jagger	April 5, 2007 7:05 AM
	Mate, your restraint is positively amazing. This cunt needs a right beating!! You may as well do it; I doubt anyone will blame you!

Toxic	April 5, 2007 7:34 AM
	"It would be great for you to come and tell us what you're facing and maybe say some Hebrew words." What is Hebrew for a collection of retards? I imagine that's what you'd be facing at the time.

Sawyer	April 5, 2007 8:53 AM
	Just to let you know, while you were out training the juniors this morning, we started a pool to see how long it takes you to go Incredible Hulk and break his nose. Coaches, secretaries, everybody's in! $5 entry :)

Jon	April 5, 2007 11:18 AM
	Well you still have to come to church with me when you slide down here for a stretch! You know how my mama is.. she aint gonna let you bust her up lol

TJ	April 6, 2007 5:09 PM
	Sorry for your pain Flash but that just about made me piss myself lol

AJ	April 6, 2007 6:57 PM
	You should get Atif to visit you at the office and see if Beano can handle the presence of a Jew and a Muslim in one place without having a meltdown.

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