What the Hell Happened While I Was Gone?

Greetings, mates. I have returned from the Summer of Me, where I took 12 weeks off work and blog to surf, sleep and engage in random debauchery and nefarious schemes. In my time away from you, I’ve broken a couple bones, had some near-misses and been grazed by a shark. Gripping times, to be sure. But I’ve also been completely cut off from the sporting world – and the world in general – but to be honest, I didn’t care. When I heard the news that Thierry Henry had done the unspeakable and left for Spain, I shrugged. "We hardly used his injured arse anyhow," I said to myself. "Good luck to him."

Now, you all know, that’s just not my way. I should have spent 18 days whining and crying about what now and another 45 sucking everyone around me into my mire of doom and gloom before declaring Thierry the devil and being done with it. But nope. The news just rolled off my back and I caught another wave. It was frightfully bizarre and made me incredibly uncomfortable. And while it’s nice to ride this wave of peaceful bliss, now that I’m back in functioning society, there is no telling how long it’ll last.

I’m English after all. It’s in my nature to bitch.

So anyway, I’ve been reading up on the news of the world and all is not how I left it. Let’s see here..

What happened to sports? What happened to all of the institutions that I hold near and dear? I know the Barroids thing was coming but where is Gil Renard when you need him?? I was sure he’d have surfaced by now! And the NBA really is corrupt! Sure, people have been bitching forever about this David Stern-engineered conspiracy but the real mob? I could handle it if was just Stern helping my Jewish Mafia homeboys that are hellbent on taking over the world in a vast Zionist conspiracy. At least that would be reasonable. But no. It’s the real mob! The break your legs, end it with a .38 and a swim with the fishes and fugghedaboudit crowd. In one summer, the entire sporting kingdom has been turned on its ear! At the rate we’re going, this time next year, MLS and David Beckham will rule America. It’s all too much to handle. To make matters worse – and oh yes, there is worse — I’ve also been watching Victoria Beckham: Coming to America and bloody LOVING IT…….. Christ.

And with that, I think I’m off to kill myself.

Cheers.