There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

What the Hell Happened While I Was Gone?

Greetings, mates. I have returned from the Summer of Me, where I took 12 weeks off work and blog to surf, sleep and engage in random debauchery and nefarious schemes. In my time away from you, I've broken a couple bones, had some near-misses and been grazed by a shark. Gripping times, to be sure. But I've also been completely cut off from the sporting world - and the world in general - but to be honest, I didn't care. When I heard the news that Thierry Henry had done the unspeakable and left for Spain, I shrugged. "We hardly used his injured arse anyhow," I said to myself. "Good luck to him."

Now, you all know, that's just not my way. I should have spent 18 days whining and crying about what now and another 45 sucking everyone around me into my mire of doom and gloom before declaring Thierry the devil and being done with it. But nope. The news just rolled off my back and I caught another wave. It was frightfully bizarre and made me incredibly uncomfortable. And while it's nice to ride this wave of peaceful bliss, now that I'm back in functioning society, there is no telling how long it'll last.

I'm English after all. It's in my nature to bitch.

So anyway, I've been reading up on the news of the world and all is not how I left it. Let's see here..

• Barroids is about to break the most hallowed record in sports and there has been no divine intervention or lone nut assassin to stand in his way.
  
• The NBA refs are in cahoots with the mob.
  
• Half of the Tour de France field - the leader included - was disqualified and thrown to the wolves
• Michael Vick isn't just a steaming pile, he's pure evil. Even though he deserves to go to pound me in the ass prison for a very long time, I must give him props for finding a way to incorporate a "Z" into the name of his business. I have to believe that the "Z" turned "Bad Newz Kennels" from your regular mom & pop operation into a true train 'em and execute 'em juggernaut. My only real disappointment is that it's not Bad Nooz Kinizzles. I hate to get on a tangent here but when they were brainstorming a name, who piped up and said "What? Please tell me that's not News with an S! Come on dawg!"
  
• Odell Thurman has been denied reinstatement to the NFL for no apparent reason.
  
• Bands of thieves are attacking and robbing NBA players - and not even good players. I've gotta think at least two members of each entourage are on the books as "security." They can't put down the Cheetos for a moment and check out the perimeter?
• Pacman Jones is doing bootleg wrestling
  
• Dan Patrick is leaving ESPN
  
• The Cubs are 33-17 since June 2, the best in baseball... what??
  

What happened to sports? What happened to all of the institutions that I hold near and dear? I know the Barroids thing was coming but where is Gil Renard when you need him?? I was sure he'd have surfaced by now! And the NBA really is corrupt! Sure, people have been bitching forever about this David Stern-engineered conspiracy but the real mob? I could handle it if was just Stern helping my Jewish Mafia homeboys that are hellbent on taking over the world in a vast Zionist conspiracy. At least that would be reasonable. But no. It's the real mob! The break your legs, end it with a .38 and a swim with the fishes and fugghedaboudit crowd. In one summer, the entire sporting kingdom has been turned on its ear! At the rate we're going, this time next year, MLS and David Beckham will rule America. It's all too much to handle. To make matters worse - and oh yes, there is worse -- I've also been watching Victoria Beckham: Coming to America and bloody LOVING IT........ Christ.

And with that, I think I'm off to kill myself.

Cheers.

Posted at July 30, 2007 11:53 AM

Comments (13): What the Hell Happened While I Was Gone?

Winans	July 30, 2007 2:03 PM
	Welcome back! It's about time. I was starting to think you died in the ocean or somethin.

Patrick	July 30, 2007 3:25 PM
	Welcome back, Flash! Glad you are still in one piece.

JV51	July 30, 2007 3:59 PM
	started thinkin you were gonna set up shop down in South Africa. welcome back!

Lawrence Cox	July 30, 2007 7:49 PM
	Welcome back! How were the waves? Was that you in the photo you had up while you were gone(dropping in)? What was the longest ride you got?

Julius	July 30, 2007 8:09 PM
	Welcome home baby girl! NOW you better pick up the phone when i call. I'm not accepting that "no signal, wrong time zone" bullshit from you anymore :-)

Kyle	July 30, 2007 10:40 PM
	welcome back! i've missed ya. I don't get the Odell Thurman thing. He paid his penalty as far as court time and everything goes, right? Why suspend him again just because? Was there another incident after the season that I'm forgetting?

Britton Jagger	July 31, 2007 12:23 AM
	I'm English after all. It's in my nature to bitch. Hear hear! That's what I'm always telling my Yank mates :) Welcome back luv. I was hoping for a serious reaction following Henry but it looks like you're firing up as we speak. Rapist Van Persie is bound to disappoint anytime now ;-)

Silver	July 31, 2007 7:14 AM
	How did you ever start watching her show??? Were you sick? Incapacitated?

Patrick	July 31, 2007 10:06 AM
	bout time!

Toxic	August 1, 2007 8:15 AM
	"been grazed by a shark" Did the shark live to tell the tale? Good to have you back, interweb just been too nicey nicey of late ;¬)

Flash	August 2, 2007 10:58 AM
	It lived. I'm probably too small for a meal.. I'm more of an hors d'oeuvre. I like to think that he couldn't be bothered with the struggle... and also that it intensely feared me punching him in the nose :) But you're right, way too much rainbows and sunshine on the interwebs and that must be remedied. I'm glad to be back :)

Toxic	August 3, 2007 7:13 AM
	Good to hear. Can see why you just shrugged about Henry, wasn't a true ARSEnal player - never arrested or charged for a criminal act by the plod ;¬)

Erik	August 8, 2007 11:35 PM
	It's all coming undone. Being a fan modern sport is polishing the brass on the Titanic. Welcome back to civilization!

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