Apparently, Michael Strahan Has Options

While perusing NFL.com this morning, I spotted this headline: "Agent: Strahan has not made decision, still considering options."

Options? His wife gave him a proper rogering in the divorce proceedings, receiving $15.3 million, a New Jersey mansion, $18,000 a month in child support, another $311,000 in back child support and 91 percent of their two kids’ private school tuition. And now, after trying to bully the Giants into giving him more money to make up for having half of his assets jacked, Strahan is facing replacement and $485,000 in fines! But instead of having an agent that does his job properly and gives actual advice, he’s being told that he has options.

Earth to Michael: Go back to work! You have no options! Your wife took your money, the Giants called your bluff and now you’re deluding yourself into you’ve got hand. "Take that Giants, you’ll see!" No, Michael, they won’t see and you’ll be broke. There is nothing out there for you. Keyshawn Johnson has already taken the position of "newly retired player with huge knot in tie" on ESPN, and Jerome Bettis, Sterling Sharpe, Cris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber have cornered the "randomly insightful" retiree spots on NBC. The only real tv option out there is joining Rodney Peete and John Salley on Best Damn and if that’s the case, you may as well throw in the towel and see if George Foreman wants to partner up on a new grill.

Not even Al Davis is foolish enough to go for this one, not with the way we’re going to make it rain over Michael Vick in 3 years. So stay in New York. Even if 80% of your ridiculous salary is going to your ex-wife, at least you can make a little flash money doing "more meat" commercials with Subway Jared and his weird, melted, cock sucking lips.

If you keep up this hold out madness much longer, your only option will be to bubble wrap your balls and remaining shreds of self-respect and mail it all to your ex-wife and John Mara with a note that says, "You win Regards, Mike" And no one wants that, least of all me, a petty, bitter Raiders fan that reveres you for being a complicated, ferocious animal that has singlehandedly filled the photo album for the NFL’s Gayest Headshots of All Time.

Oh, Americans… How I Weep for Thee

To be honest with ya, I’d weep for England too, but hey, Beckham or not, I’m gonna be doing that anyway. We can’t play our way out of a paper sack.

All the same, welcome to the club.

You’re more than welcome to shake your fist at the sky and curse David Beckham with me any day. Whether your reasons have to do with Beckham being the source of 12 years of sporting agony or his inability to get a sport going in your country because his legs keep encountering unfortunate accidents due to his passionate attempts to run more in the last month than he has in 10 years, it matters not. We are officially comrades in eye-rolling agony… unless, of course, you’re still holding out hope for your Chosen One. If that’s the case, you may as well throw yourself off a bridge because you clearly haven’t a lick of sense.

Michael Vick & CNN Team to Boost Idiocy Rates

I’ve finished my transition back into the real world. Go ahead, stop holding your breath. I know you’ve been anticipating this for months.

So how many of you check out cnn.com on a regular basis? I usually don’t but someone called my attention to one of their outrageous breaking news alerts about something mundane like Whoopi Goldberg joining The View, so I headed over. I spotted a story on Michael Vick in the headlines and took a gander only to happen upon one of the most troubling things that I’ve seen in months: bullet point summaries.

Has anyone else noticed this?? Why doesn’t CNN just slap us around, pass out dunce caps and call it a day? I understand that we live in an instant gratification, ADHD, fast-food society, and that we are literally growing dumber by the minute but can’t we at least rely upon news organizations to, I don’t know, put forth a modicum of effort to keep us not only informed but literate? Is that so much to ask?

It’s not as if AP and Reuters were beating us down with prose from honors English or complicated language from a PhD dissertation on the Bundle Theory. Their articles are, at most, 180 words, broken down into five, two-sentence paragraphs that are written at a fourth grade level. Take, for instance, this 104-word story about a Serbian man eaten by bears at a beer festival…

BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) — A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

“There’s a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage,” zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.

Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

Once you discount the time you spend laughing, it takes about 45 seconds to read, comprehend and move on. There are no monosyllabic words to stand in your way. No compound sentences. No string of thoughts more complex than “See Dick with no protection. See Jane with an infection.” I’d like to think Reuters was doing us enough favors but apparently not. We need highlights.

A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in bear cage

Naked body was found in enclosure at Belgrade Zoo

Zookeepers believe man was drunk or drugged

I have to admit some surprise at not seeing “Devoured man must’ve been an idiot” as the fourth highlight.

In the coming weeks, I anticipate another tragic article where some schmo laments falling literacy rates and the United States placing 13th in the “educated nations game” and, strategically placed in the upper-right hand corner, will be CNN’s bullets explaining the rising idiocy rate in 40 words or less while directly contributing to the problem. I suppose the only irony to all of this is that the genius that thought up this plan likely proposed his ideas via power point – the only form of expression for braindead, communication addled business executives.

God bless American journalism.

And before I forget, you may now realize that the title of this post had nothing to do with anything at all. I just figured I’d jump onto the hate wagon with the hip kids since I’m so behind the curve.

But while we’re on the topic, it’s entirely too bizarre, not to mention quite unnerving, that the masses want Vick to catch a shank in the prison yard for breeding and killing animals when, if he’d raped a girl or been a partied to a murder, it’d be forgive and forget by Christmas…

Now excuse me while I dig out my Ray Lewis jersey and do a rousing squirrel dance for the upcoming NFL season on the lawn.

Chris Rix Threatened Me With a Federal Subpoena (and Prayer)

A little more than a year ago, I wrote a post titled "Chris Rix Takes Irony to the Next Level." A copy of that post ran on BlogCritics Sports the following day. You see, I had stumbled upon a website for the Champion Training Academy, operated by former Florida State disaster quarterback Chris Rix.

Anyone that follows college football remembers the absolute calamity that was his time as a Seminole both on and off the field. The irony of this Academy was simply amazing to me, so I took a few moments out of my evening to make light of the fact that someone widely remembered as a screw-up and team disappointment was attempting to mold young quarterbacks into champions and, most astonishingly, leaders.

Chris Rix was an amazing athlete coming out of Santa Margarita High School, and, clearly, he possessed a good deal of natural talent. But that’s what it takes to play Division I football, and, particularly, start 4 years at Florida State. At least, it used to. But unless you’re one of his loved ones, it’s fair to say that natural talent notwithstanding, you know that his career was a comedy of errors. Sure, he could throw an 80 yard touchdown but leadership? Unless you call missing the Sugar Bowl because you slept through your finals "leadership," I don’t think so.

So a week after my post appeared on BlogCritics I received a patronizing e-mail with the subject line "no hard feelings" from one Chris Rix. I shared it with a few friends for laughs but it didn’t go any further. It seemed like a complete waste of time. But thanks to today’s events, that e-mail is coming out for you all to enjoy (I particularly liked the randomly erroneous use of quotation marks). Click to enlarge:

Now, what I wanted to say here was that the only people that he should be praying for are the parents too foolish to realize that they’re throwing their money away. Signing your kid up for leadership training with Chris Rix makes as much as sense as sending him to Ryan Leaf for mental toughness training.

But I refused to get into an email war with a guy that uses quotations around words to insinuate that they aren’t actually real. Look Chris, putting quotes around the word "mistakes" doesn’t erase your laundry list of screw ups at Florida State University.

In any case, all was quiet for 14 months and then this afternoon, I received this:

…

So not only did he lie about that "no hard feelings" business, but Rix has also proven that it really is too hard to focus on the positive. That must’ve been a sobering realization. Maybe he needs some prayer. That wouldn’t be patronizing to offer that, would it? Nah. But you know something, I can’t say I blame Rix for getting upset with me. When you’ve always been told that you’re great and believe it because you blocked out four seasons of memories in Tallahasee, it’s only natural to develop a sense of entitlement that enables you to threaten to sue people because they have the audacity to disagree with your opinion of your career. But I’m sorry to say that this is not how the world works. Maybe it did in Iraq circa 2002 when Rix was dropping yet another game to Miami, but not in America. The same America that allows him to teach leadership skills to children after failing miserably at it for so long, also grants me the right to share whatever opinion I please.

And in my opinion, the only person that ought to receive a lawsuit threat in this situation is Chris Rix for teaching things he’s never demonstrated an ability to do. That said, if parents are stupid enough to pay… but I digress.

So I laughed at him in a public forum? What, like I’m the first? The things said in my post pale in comparison to the vitriol (both fair and unfair) spewed about him both in print and the internet from 2001 – 2005. Are federal subpoenas en route to all of the other message boards, web sites and blogs out there? While it’s pretty clear that Rix doesn’t know how a subpoena works or what it actually is, maybe they’re also receiving threatening e-mails full of tough talk, bold font and capital letters as I type. I know "IMMEDIATELY" sure scared me into submission. Then again, maybe Rix wields the authority of the federal government to dispense justice. If so, I must have missed that memo but please allow me to throw out a "my bad" if that’s the case.

Now, if my posts contained libel, I’d understand his threat. But I didn’t make up lies about Rix or Champion Training Academy. I simply questioned the qualifications of Rix, who, as a primary instructor, claims to teach young quarterbacks qualities that – in my opinion – he never mastered. If Jim Kelly wrote a book titled "Winning the Super Bowl," or Michelle Wie ran an academy called "Making the Cut on the PGA Tour," I’d be within my rights to say, "Hey Jim? Uh, Michelle? Excuse me, but you know nothing about that."

I know this is all pretty painful Chris, but that’s how life goes. But I suppose if you don’t like it, you can get a Delorean and have a go at a career do-over, thus changing all of these posts into praise for your work at leadership camp. But since I don’t think Doc Brown will be rolling up to your house any time soon, you might want to grow thicker skin and get over yourself. I am not the first person to mock the fact that you’re running a leadership academy nor will I be the last – especially not now.

Like I said before – If you want to run a camp, fine. You were/are an exceptionally talented quarterback who clearly didn’t become the player you were supposed to be; I’m sure you have a lot of knowledge to impart to the youngins. But when you spend a career disregarding four of your own rules for being a champion quarterback, it is in my opinion that you forfeit the right to impart said "wisdom" on children who think you’re putting them on the fast track to the next level.

But who knows? Maybe some good can come of this little ordeal between you and I, Chris. After this attempt at intimidation goes nowhere, maybe you can start up another training academy called, "How to Successfully Sue People with Opinions Based on Valid Observations."