There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Red Sox Punt Tim McCarver Into Broadcaster Abyss

As you all know, the Boston Red Sox unceremoniously punted the Colorado Rockies into the mountains last night for their seventh World Series Championship. Unless you live a mile above sea level, this wasn't a surprising result. Sure, no one guessed that the Rockies would tighten up like a gnat's chuff, roll over and die but let's be real - the only question was how long this would last, not who would win. All the same, it was a nauseating result. But while kneeling in front of the toilet after watching the Sux celebrate, I realized that there is a silver lining to this quick result: 6 months without Tim McCarver!

That's right - no Tim McCarver "analysis," no "Tim McCarver Show," no Tim McCarver anything. Just sweet  silence. And for that, I want to express my undying gratitude to the Boston Red Sox. By all but raping the Rockies in record time, they have ushered this addlepated baboon into the broadcaster abyss until March 30. Sure, Screamin' A. Smith and a legion of jackass basketball personalities stand to infect the airwaves in only a matter of days, but a season of that isn't nearly as painful as three more games with Tim McCarver.

As such, I leave you with a few parting remarks of Game 4 idiocy from the only man that can make the ears of a nation bleed (all comments provided in context):

On Manny Ramirez and aerodynamics while he's at the plate in the 3rd....
Joe Buck (JB): Last night doing what he has done throughout the post season and throughout the season... with the dreadlocks, running the bases, last night kicking his helmet back into foul territory and last night tagged out at the plate on a throw from Matt Holliday in left (long pause) but that's part of his action around the bases.
Tim McCarver (TM): It certainly does not make you faster.
JB: With two outs, there's a strike on the outside corner.
TM: If that were the case, you'd be seeing marathon runners wearing helmets... hundred yard dash guys wearing helmets.

It's as if McCarver believes Ramirez is wearing the helmet for speed. It's not a fucking jetpack, you daft bastard. You don't throw it off and get a boost! Amazingly, this continues:

JB: Well, last night was the first time we've seen it in the post-season where he pushed it off and it came back and hit him in the heel.
TM: First time we've seen it hit him on the heel... RIGHT.

Yes, Tim. That is right. Don't act like you're combing through your memory banks to check Joe's facts. We all know you've got the short term retention ability of Leonard Shelby. As ironic proof of this, McCarver re-tells the story of Manny's base-running/hat issues in the bottom of the 6th, as if the previous conversation never occurred. Joe Buck, as usual, responded with silence.

On Hank Aaron during the recap of Prince Fielder receiving the Hank Aaron Award...
TM: If there was anybody in baseball history with a more appropriate nickname, HAMMER (McCarver's emphasis), could he ever "hammer."
TM: You could take those 755 homeruns away and he'd still have 3,000 hits 

Pitcher Aaron Cook bats for the Rockies in the bottom of the 5th...
TM: I know Aaron Cook is a good hitter, but I don't think he can hit right here. The Rockies have 14 outs with which to score at least 2 runs. That's provided they hold the Red Sox down.
*Cook bunts*
JB: He pushes a bunt past the pitcher and has a base hit! That's the first time that a Rocky hitter has pushed a bunt to the right side, and once it got past Lester, it was a base hit.
TM: But he wasn't up there hitting, he was up there bunting! 

No, that's not a typo. During the commercial break, McCarver thinks up a way to redeem himself and drops this nonsense in the top of the 6th:

TM (confused): With Ortiz coming up, why didn't the manager have someone pinch hit for Cook last inning? I mean, Cook got a bunt hit, yeah, but you're taking the chance that he won't and there's an out! I'm just talking probabilities of getting a man on base here. You gotta pinch hit!

Oh really? Maybe that's why you're in the booth with Mr. Slamalamadingdong and not managing in the World Series, Tim. But I suppose it could be worse. You could be Dayn Perry of Foxsports.com, who suffered a case of Rocky Mountain hacking (click to enlarge):

In any case, thank you, Boston. Thank you for ripping off the proverbial bandaid as quickly as possible. I don't think I could have stomached much more... too bad you can't do anything about Dane Cook as well, but I suppose he's one of yours, isn't he? That just about figures.

Posted at October 29, 2007 2:19 AM

Comments (10): Red Sox Punt Tim McCarver Into Broadcaster Abyss

Toxic	October 29, 2007 7:18 AM
	Sounds like I shouldn't complain so much about the O'Brien / Sutcliffe combination.

Coz	October 29, 2007 9:16 AM
	Come on, Toxic. At least, with Sutcliffe, you have a chance he could show up on the air pissed out of his skull and pulling a Tommy Chong. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6shTX_7xkM "What are you still doing here, man?"

Knutsen	October 29, 2007 10:28 AM
	McCarver's complete and utter douchebaggery never ceases to amaze. And I don't watch basketball until the playoffs, so the next 5-6 months are gonna be even better for me!

Koester	October 29, 2007 12:42 PM
	That's gotta be the most anticlimactic WS ever. I fell asleep in the 7th, woke up during the celebration, rolled over and went back to sleep. What a waste.

Winans	October 29, 2007 2:42 PM
	I tuned out right after that shit about Aaron Cook. This is the best Fox can do?? I know he's a playing legend but give me a fucking break.

Brother Matt	October 29, 2007 3:58 PM
	When is Screamin A gonna sub in for Kornheiser on PTI and cause the whole world to spontaneously combust?

Baker	October 29, 2007 6:13 PM
	Thanks for making me relive the McCarver nightmare! Last night, I had enough around the 2nd inning and muted the tv and turned on the radio. Guess who called the game on the radio: JOE MORGAN. I think the powers that be hate baseball fans.

puck	October 29, 2007 8:15 PM
	the nice thing about the NBA is you can get your fix on TBS. I like Ernie, Barkley and the guys. you can really avoid Screamin and the whole ESPN crew for the bulk of the season if you want to.

Brady	October 29, 2007 10:29 PM
	Next year, Manny might wanna invest in a strap for his helmet and his soft cap. Every time he moved 3 feet, he was messin with it or trying to throw it off. I understand the Manny being Manny stuff but I don't get how Francona or anybody else on that team can stand it.

Toxic	October 30, 2007 9:48 AM
	Coz - top stuff We don't get the good stuff over here, just the non stop banal wittering.

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