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My Herd of Modern Day PrometheiSo I live with three boys. I love them dearly but like most men, when they put their heads together, they turn into prehistoric idiots. Normally, this doesn't faze me but last night, I was left nothing short of lost. For at least two weeks they've been talking about building a bonfire - not for a party or anything, which is completely legit, but because "that'd be cool." But with an inch of snow on the ground, what's the point, right? No. I got home to find a heap of wood in my backyard and the lads going to town on it with axes. They were wearing work gloves and hats and the whole deal. It was a ridiculous sight that I, sadly, let pass without comment. But when I happened upon 2 economy cans of Dinty Moore beef stew simmering on the stove, I poked my head back out to ask where they parked Babe the Blue Ox. They were not amused. Eventually they called me back outside to join them in the supposed magic. Now, I was told a bonfire was in the making, which, to me, meant I'd see a free-wheeling beast made of anything and everything that would inspire drunkards and potheads to magically appear, hold hands and dance around in one of those scenes reminiscent of a Grateful Dead concert. But this was no bonfire. Christ, it wasn't even a campfire. This looked more like the Dinty Moore flame from the kitchen. If I got a toothpick, I might have been able to roast a mini-marshmallow. So you know me - I couldn't help but point these things out and, yet again, they got indignant. To make amends, I offered to get some lighter fluid... "Ugh! We don't need lighter fluid, Flash!" "Yeah! We can build a fire without all that, THANKS!" I don't know who they thought they were. This isn't Man vs. Wild, ya know? I didn't see flint and a bunch of rocks just laying around.
"That's an incredible fire," commented one. "Yeah, that's reeeeeeally, really nice." Heads nodded in agreement. "We should throw on more logs and see how big it'll get." "No. Let it chill. Goood stuff." My mouth fell open. This shit was not that deep. But after four or five minutes passed without another word, I went in the house. Fucking weirdos. Now, fires are a breathtaking and quite fun to look at - I get that. But what's the deal with the self-congratulatory bonding over building one? And why be so enamored with the quality of blaze? It took 3 hours to make it and in a quarter the time, a separate fire could have spontaneously erupted on its own and burned down half the block. To make matters worse, these goons were outside for God knows how long, doing little more, than staring at it, nodding to each other and randomly poking it with sticks. When I woke up this morning, it was gone. I'm not sure how they put it out but if they all peed on it, I wouldn't be remotely surprised. About an hour ago one of them called me, "Hey, did you see the fire last night." "Uh, I was out there with you." "Yeah, well... it was a gooood fire." ???????????????????  Posted at November 27, 2007 3:07 PM Permalink • Filed under: Personal |
In any case, they stacked, steepled, prodded, poked, rearranged and stacked some more. After another 10 minutes of poking, a real fire began to sustain itself. It reached one foot in height and then two. And that's when they went crazy. Hooting, hollering, patting each other on the back. It was like watching the monkeys at the zoo. Somehow in this process, 5 more males arrived with a dog in tow, as if they sensed fire creation and were drawn to our house by primal instinct. Not surprisingly, the emoting continued and soon they were all heaping on more logs. After the fire reached 6 or so feet, the herd sat around it and watched in amazement.
Comments (13): My Herd of Modern Day Promethei
Silver
November 27, 2007 3:33 PM
As one of the guys that showed up with the dog (I don't see why you had to mock that btw), I think I need to step up in our defense.
When was the last time YOU created something that had the ability to cook delicious food and keep your testicles from freezing up and falling off, while still having the power to destroy everything within 900 miles if you let it escape?
Craig
November 27, 2007 4:02 PM
This isn't Man vs. Wild, ya know?
No, because then they'd be drinking their own urine, eating goat testicles and sleeping inside a dead camel.
Have you checked for that dog today? With that many guys and that much fire comes an awful urge to cook any large hunks of meat available.
Esky
November 27, 2007 7:07 PM
6 feet is a lot of fire. They need some props!
Mark Harold
November 27, 2007 8:02 PM
There's nothing wrong with what they did at all. I've built bonfires with my buddies before and we sit around, have beers and chill. Bonfires are alwasy cool. Women just don't get it.
Julius
November 27, 2007 8:32 PM
"It took 3 hours to make it and in a quarter the time, a separate fire could have spontaneously erupted on its own and burned down half the block."
No, Warner. It took 3 hours to make it and CONTROL IT. That's power baby and that's worth bonding over! Don't hate on the fellas for that.
AJ
November 27, 2007 11:18 PM
You are a mean woman.
Mick
November 28, 2007 3:25 AM
HA that's great. I gotta believe that if this was 8 million years ago, you'd be singin a different tune! In fact, you'd probably want to mate with one of these fire gods :-)
Toxic
November 28, 2007 7:49 AM
"keep your testicles from freezing up and falling off"
And that's why she'll just never get it ;¬)
hadrian
November 28, 2007 1:08 PM
@ Silver: were there steaks?
@ Toxic: That's the disconnect right there! To her, fire is something to cuddle near or sit next to with hot cocoa.
Silver
November 28, 2007 10:53 PM
No steaks Hadrian but we did end up cookin up some hot dogs.
J Baker
November 28, 2007 11:13 PM
LOL
"Now, I was told a bonfire was in the making, which, to me, meant I'd see a free-wheeling beast made of anything and everything that would inspire drunkards and potheads to magically appear......... Somehow in this process, 5 more males arrived with a dog in tow"
Looks like the bonfire actually worked :)
Agitated
November 29, 2007 1:42 AM
It's a guy thing, Flash. You wouldn't understand.
At least they're housebroken.
Koester
November 29, 2007 6:47 PM
Fire also scares away animals that want to eat you like wolves and bears.... Just thought I'd pile on and add that to the reasons why controlling it basically makes you pretty awesome.