Dec 20, 2007
Flash

A Festivus for the Rest of Us!

As the loyalists know, I am an annual participant in the Festivus Extravaganza with my boys at The Airing of Grievances. But since Festivus falls on a Sunday this year, things are being celebrated today in order to maximize participation. Though I am somehow more angry this year than last (surprising given the rancid bitterness in last year’s grievings) and about even with the year before, my complaints are really pretty tame. I don’t even know if I dropped an f-bomb… it’s kinda depressing really and I’m sorry.

It’s fair to say that grievances are aired here at flashwarner.com in virtually every post but there’s still something fun about finding the things that chap my ass the most (at present) and participating in a mass bitchfest. This is my third year doing so (2005 and 2006) and it is unbelievably gratifying. But enough fellatio. It’s time to get things rolling.

I’ve got a lotta problems with you people…

Al Davis, Still Winning, BabyTo Al Davis: Thanks for nothing! We have Randy Moss, the most dangerous receiver in the NFL for, what, three years and this guy couldn’t accomplish dick. And it’s not like he rolled into the Bay with his typical "Yeah, I’m the laziest SOB on the planet. What’s it to ya" attitude either. In the beginning, Moss was actually trying! But it’s hard to stay positive when Martin Lawrence is "throwing" you the ball. 

So you ship him off to New England for 3 cheeseburgers and a pack of Newports and now he’s got a Hall of Fame career. It’s like you felt bad for bringing him to Oakland at all, so you tried to make amends. So what do you do as an encore to an epic case of hospitality? You take a role as the Crystal Skull in Indiana Jones 4.

Nice commitment to YOUR excellence, Al. How about spending a little time on the Raiders now. Jerk.

To DirecTV:
Your advertising agency needs to be slapped around with sticks and tossed off a bridge. The whole point of commercials is to get people to buy your products, not ram their heads through walls. Every time I see Beyonce Knowles gyrating, foot shuffling, and fierce walking through your spots (which is every 3 minutes), I beg the nearest person to choke me out.

This Upgrade commercial is the most baffling and preposterous ad of all time. I don’t know if it’s Beyonce’s bizarre Axl Rose-like foot shuffle and scallywag, her horrendous speaking ability or the way she rolls over to reveal a gold "UPGRADE" chain in her mouth that was no doubt purchased from a bubble gum machine outside Wal-Mart. The whole spot is truly astonishing in its hideousness. I’m almost inclined to believe it was funded by the cable industry to put you out of business. If so, is Beyonce in on the joke? Likely not; she’s too busy 1-click ordering boomerangs off amazon.com.

"Lemme lemme lemme upgradejya-gradejya."
Upgrade, indeed. The only thing you’re upgrading me to is suicide watch, DirecTV. 2 enthusiastic thumbs down.

To Faux Punk Avril Lavigne: I was caught in traffic the other day and flipped through radio channels only to discover that you actually had the nerve to sing this:

I hate it when a guy doesn’t understand
Why a certain time of month I don’t want to hold his hand
I hate it when they go out and we stay in
And they come home smelling like their ex-girlfriend

I’m just spitballin here, Avril, but my guess is that your boyfriend cheats because you won’t hold his hand simply due to the fact that you’re menstruating, you stupid bitch.

To people that bitch about the Patriots: I have sat in seething hatred of the New England Patriots since the Tuck Rule ruined my hopes way back in 2002. But even though I’m a depressed, Silver & Black degenerate, I’ll still take awe-inspiring dominance every day of the week and twice on Sunday over the rest of this season’s mediocre shit snoggery. Parity is for sucks. Stop complaining.

To Steve McClaren: You should you should have been sacked AT Wembley – right on that jacked up pitch. And I don’t mean fired. I’m talking literally sacked – beaten with your brolly, black bagged Peter Creedy style and carried away into the rainy night. Good luck with your prehistoric tactics in Iraq or Kansas City or whatever sorry squad settles on you as their shaman of mediocrity.

To Tony Dungy:
"I won the Super Bowl the Lord’s Way." Why, because you don’t come from the Vince Lombardi School of Verbal Assault and don’t seem to have a pulse? Let me fill you in on something – the fire and brimstone G-d that I know – Christians will know him from the Old Testament – isn’t about calm and chill. Though it’s true that He can love and be compassionate, the Almighty is vengeful and hot-tempered and He will not hesitate to kick you in the teeth with his Mighty Boot of Justice, also known as Samael, the Angel of Death. This cat doesn’t turn the other cheek and He doesn’t brush things aside. He rolls down from on high to beat that ass. Casting Satan out of Paradise, torching Sodom and Gomorrah, lighting people up in the New Testament’s Apocalypse? THAT is the Lord’s Way. The only thing you’re practicing is the Tony Dungy Way. Stop giving credit where it isn’t due.

To Jewelry Stores: You’ve been shilling a false Economics of the Pussy propaganda for years. It’s offensive and you’re just setting men up for failure. You know what happens to the guy that really believes the Kiss Begins with Kay? He makes out a little, she goes to bed and then he’s cranking one off in the shower like Lester Burnham. Sure, the kiss begins with Kay but it ends there as well.

As such, I’ve created a totally reasonable and legitimate Diamond Reaction Index to let men know exactly what they should expect to collect as a return on different levels of investment:

Flash Warner Diamond Reaction Index

Happy Festivus one and all, boys and girls!
 

 

12 Comments

  • I think I just choked on my breakfast. The Diamond Index with the Russell Stover is fucking hilarious.

  • As you know, I HATE that stupid Beyonce commercial. What were here handlers/marketing people thinking?
    Oh, and sorry about Moss. As a Bills fan, we get the reverse from the Patriots: you think you are getting a hall of fame-caliber quarterback, and he ends up forgetting how to play football much like the coach in the Waterboy forgot how to call plays. And the Patriots as a franchise? Yeah, try actually being in that division. At least we can hope Miami does the unthinkable on Sunday!
    Too freaky? IT’S THREE CARATS!!! Let’s be reasonable here :-)

  • The index. Hands down the funniest shit ever. You gotta send that to all women everywhere!

  • If you could send this to my girlfriend, I’d much appreciate it.
    And since when is yellow gold unacceptable?? Every woman wants something that’ll make her look like the Avon lady.

  • Agree 100% on Beyonce. I know she’s from Texas but she sounds like she’s from another country all together. I can only understand her when she’s singing.
    The Diamond Index = pure gold, particularly the journey pendant!

  • So what I want to know is, if you get a Harry Winston ring, etc., is the dude entitled to alllllll of the stuff on the list? Only fair, Flash! 8-D

  • “Upgrade, indeed. The only thing you’re upgrading me to is suicide watch, DirecTV. ”
    That’s too damn true. I love me some Beyonce but everytime that one comes on I’m runnin for the remote. The first couple times, I didn’t realize it was a real commercial.

  • One of the best things about the coming end of the Christmas season is that we won’t have to hear those stupid bitches at dinner talking about their friend’s man going to Jared. That commercial’s the worst of all the diamond chains. Beyonce is just the worst. I don’t know what she’s saying until I hear “HD” and then later on I hear “Cayyyybull!” They should try to fit English classes in between her press conferences, boomerangs, dance classes, photo shoots and plane rides.

  • If we look like losers for going to all the name stores at the mall, where the hell are we supposed to go? I make 30 grand a year. I can’t do Tiffany’s!

  • I hit the channel button as soon as Beyonce comes on. And if I ever was disposed to buy a Nissan Rogue in the first place, there is no way I am going to get into a vehicle that makes the world tip over. I’ve seen that spot so many times now that I know there are two versions, one with a chick and one with a dude driving, and the only other difference is when they show the girl, the radio says “Bluetooth”, but when they show the guy, it says “The Clash”. The Clash? Is the target market made up of Clash fans?

  • Beyonce is infecting everything. Directv, that shit about the diamonds, AMEX. She’s been overexposed for about 4 years and she WON’T GO AWAY!!! This settles it. I’m gettin a tivo.

  • Nothing says Nissan like Clash fans. WTF? lol
    BTW Flash, that Index is a fucking riot. That shoulda been its own post :)

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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.

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