CNN Has Completely Given Up on Journalism

Sometime last year, I was astonished to learn that in a time that sees the masses growing dumber by the minute, CNN added bullet-point summaries to their articles, effectively throwing in the towel on the effort to keep us moderately literate.

But since we all have ADD these days, I suppose that was inevitable. What I could not (and should not) have anticipated, however, was the possibility that CNN would completely forgo journalistic integrity in order to boost revenue and give The Onion a run for its money. Granted, you don’t get gems like “Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking on my Cock” at CNN but it’s fair to say that the level of news at this once venerable site has strayed well beyond the ridiculous and into the shameful. And now, they’ve taken things a step further by selling t-shirts that feature their own nonsensical headlines from articles and video posts.

Head over to CNN.com and take a gander at the headlines area. You see that t-shirt icon next to the video headlines? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. For $15.99 plus shipping and handling, you can get t-shirts that say things like:

You know, it’d be one thing if these headlines were actually funny. At least then you could give CNN some credit for being creative as they continue their descent into becoming the American version of News of the World. But like The Simpsons these days, these efforts don’t even elicit a smile, let alone laughter, and after the link cycles off the page, no one will ever know why (or how) it was supposed to be amusing.

“Oh my shirt? Well that was a craaaaaazy headline that I saw on CNN 4 months ago! … What? … No wait, seriously! It’s hilarious! Just let me explain — there was this guy that paced all the time – you know those nervous types right? Well, he ended up stuck on an elevator for FORTY-ONE HOURS! Can you imagine? I mean, don’t you see the irony of it? Totally nuts!”

By the looks of things, people are already buying into this crap.

Clowns like the ones seen above make me wish I carried around a floppy dildo that I could pull out of a hip holster and smack people with whenever the need arose. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that the witless clowns shelling out cash for these shirts and the sad sack jokers in Atlanta that thought them up are in need of a cock punch. A fierce cock punch. To the face.

South African Hookers Jinx The Three Lions

While having my senses abused by Joe Morgan during the Yankees/BoSux game last night, I noticed that Peter Gammons’ teeth are an amazing shade of butter. I know he’s this legend and all but he’s not so big that someone at ESPN – or maybe even his bloody wife – can’t force him to put a tube of Crest and maybe even some of those fancy White Strips to use. Being a Hall of Famer shouldn’t mean that you can get away with having teeth that, if pulled out and sold, can put Parkay out of business. Unacceptable.

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But to the story at hand. It’s well known that huge sporting events like the World Cup, Olympics and Super Bowl are boons for the skin trade. After the host site is announced, girls from far and wide grab their chinchilla coats, head to the destination like birds flocking south and get prepared for the influx of indiscriminating, drunken chumps with money to burn on cheap ass. You’d think they’d be unbiased about the fans coming in to cheer on their teams but it seems that when you’re in the game of blowing and blanking as many men in possible, the nationality of your punters can be an important factor. At least, that’s what these South African hookers believe.

Meet Levola, Yolanda and Samantha [Note: moments before the interview, the trio was fined by police for exposing themselves to drivers] – three prostitutes from a South African shanty town that link England’s success in World Cup qualifications to the prospects of escaping prostitution. According to them, the Army of the Three Lions (that’s really what we should be called, you know) will bring in a wealth of cash:

“We just can’t wait. We only get paid about £10 for sex when drivers stop for us here. English men will pay a lot more…

Why, because they can’t do better at home?

“We’ll probably have to fight over them with the girls who already have pitches in that area, but it will be worth it.” – Yolanda Lorika

Now, a part of me thinks, “Hey! Maybe it’s time you raise your games, you filthy mingers! Work harder, blow faster, incorporate something new. There are three of you – maybe you can put on a show! If you get creative over the next two years, you may not have to worry about having the jackhammer taken to you 1,800 times over by insane Englishmen and getting your hips broken. Besides, if that happens, then how will you make money??” But then I realize I’m just being a a foul asshole. So let’s look at this realistically:

Assuming England actually reaches the World Cup, we’ll most assuredly have two uninspired, nauseating showings before going down 2-1 to some sad sack side like Poland. One of these matches will feature a controversial performance by David Beckham that not only reflects how talentless we are as a nation but also shows that he’s 8 years past his prime, remains the source of too much agony and must die. Under the circumstances, it’s only good manners to be looking forward to servicing thousands of drunken reprobates for a tenner apiece, right? Ease the pain? A little salve, so to speak, for the perennial wound?

But when those good feelings come with a side of HIV, that’s no good for anybody. You see, one in every two South African hookers is dogged with that pesky, fatal occupational hazard and no matter how much bad I wish upon our stupid hools, all that will happen is that these diseased bints will infect them and they’ll bring the bug back to the Isles. How delightful.

Our only hope is that every single one of them chooses to forgo the hordes of toothless women lining the dirt roads and opts instead for 3 or 4 minutes with the chicks in this interview – modern marvels that have beaten the odds thus far by stealing heaps of condoms from the free clinic.

“They would give us some for free, but not enough for our work,” said Lavola, who spurned paid sex with a Somalian man because a Nigerian man was willing to have sex in the comfort of his own home (and give her £7).

How very classy of the Nigerian man.

It’s fantastic that these chicks are eager to get drilled into oblivion by the debauched nutters in our fanbase but let’s be real here — The Three Lions have left England in a state of perpetual pain and heartache since the 1960s, with each year more shameful than the last. The more people depending on this team’s success, the worse they fail. So why these dumb bitches really think England is going to come through and help them get off the mean dirt streets is beyond me. If anything, we’re more jinxed now than ever.

Thanks, South Africa!

Yankees Smoked by the Royals — Again

I leave XM Radio’s MLB Home Plate on in my office most of the day and when I came back in yesterday afternoon, Rob Dibble was busy fellating himself over being so fearsome on the mound from about 1990 – 1992. This is a pretty run of the mill occurrence on The Show, a shitefest hosted by Dibble and Kevin Kennedy – a couple of assclown braintrusts with no opinions that make any sense. When they aren’t congratulating each other on careers well done or getting unnecessarily furious about this topic or that, they attempt to answer questions from hapless callers.

Yesterday featured a call from a panicked Tigers fan that was concerned over the (then) 0 – 7 squad’s chances of making the post-season. No really – I’m serious. And I don’t mean that he was worried. He was in an absolute fright. How could that hack Jim Leyland engineer such a catastrophe? How can the 2nd highest payroll in the league not make the post-season? So much for hope.

And he’s right. Looks like it’s time for that paper bag, Tigers Fan.

Though no team has ever gotten to the post-season after losing its first 7 games, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that there are 154 games left to play and these are the Detroit Tigers, not the Texas Rangers. [I can't believe I just said that.] Hell, you shouldn’t even have to be a Rob Dibble.

But rather than talk about a week’s worth of games full of flukes, aberrations and mishaps or the fact that the Tigers are a good ball club with good hitters making mental errors and pressing a bit too much, the Nasty Boy took up the torch and pitchfork. After excoriating the organization for being such a colossal waste of talent, he and Kennedy then tried to calculate the number of games Detroit would need to beat the odds, eventually deciding that going .500 in April MIGHT leave Detroit with a chance but even then – who knows because other teams are good too – like the Royals and the Cubs!

Seriously? Is this where my subscription money is going? To keep this mindless dickbag employed? They can’t find anybody better than this? The reality is that at 1-7, the Tigers are 3 games behind the Indians – their true competition come September. And with their lineup, this team should be able to sleepwalk through April and still be able to hit their way into the wild card. Christ, the Yankees don’t even get out of the rocking chairs to participate in the league schedule until it gets warm in mid-June.

Case in point, here’s where we are now:

And honestly, I can deal with all of that for now. Even being outscored 19 – 7 in two losses to Tampa Bay, which is pathetic, can be taken in stride… I think. But something that cannot be tolerated – and something even the Tigers wouldn’t allow – is scoring just 2 runs in 2 games against the Kansas City Royals.

We’re missing Jeter and Posada, sure, but that’s no excuse for getting pwned by the dregs. Zach Greinke shut us down and shut us out, allowing 6 weak sauce hits over 8 innings.

Have we no pride? Is there no line that is drawn where the team agrees to not be bent over and rogered by every perennial bottom dweller in the league? Now, I know that the Royals are all new and improved but they’re still the Royals and managing 2 runs with Rodriguez, Matsui, Abreu, Damon and Cano in the lineup is nothing short of foul. That said, at least we’re not the Tigers. If you haven’t heard – they’re not gonna make the playoffs. Chumps.