Apr 22, 2008

CNN Has Completely Given Up on Journalism

Sometime last year, I was astonished to learn that in a time that sees the masses growing dumber by the minute, CNN added bullet-point summaries to their articles, effectively throwing in the towel on the effort to keep us moderately literate.

But since we all have ADD these days, I suppose that was inevitable. What I could not (and should not) have anticipated, however, was the possibility that CNN would completely forgo journalistic integrity in order to boost revenue and give The Onion a run for its money. Granted, you don’t get gems like “Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking on my Cock” at CNN but it’s fair to say that the level of news at this once venerable site has strayed well beyond the ridiculous and into the shameful. And now, they’ve taken things a step further by selling t-shirts that feature their own nonsensical headlines from articles and video posts.

Useless assholesHead over to CNN.com and take a gander at the headlines area. You see that t-shirt icon next to the video headlines? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. For $15.99 plus shipping and handling, you can get t-shirts that say things like:

  • Pacing man stuck 41 hours in elevator
  • Synchronized swimmers faint in unison
  • ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ singer pushes education
  • Rep calls workers ‘illiterate peasants’
  • Prince drops copter in gal pal’s yard
  • Russian missile obliterates spy plane
  • You know, it’d be one thing if these headlines were actually funny. At least then you could give CNN some credit for being creative as they continue their descent into becoming the American version of News of the World. But like The Simpsons these days, these efforts don’t even elicit a smile, let alone laughter, and after the link cycles off the page, no one will ever know why (or how) it was supposed to be amusing.

    “Oh my shirt? Well that was a craaaaaazy headline that I saw on CNN 4 months ago! … What? … No wait, seriously! It’s hilarious! Just let me explain — there was this guy that paced all the time – you know those nervous types right? Well, he ended up stuck on an elevator for FORTY-ONE HOURS! Can you imagine? I mean, don’t you see the irony of it? Totally nuts!”

    Justice!By the looks of things, people are already buying into this crap.

    Clowns like the ones seen above make me wish I carried around a floppy dildo that I could pull out of a hip holster and smack people with whenever the need arose. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that the witless clowns shelling out cash for these shirts and the sad sack jokers in Atlanta that thought them up are in need of a cock punch. A fierce cock punch. To the face.


    • To paraphrase Dave Chappelle – What did the veiny dildo say to the CNN exec? SLAP!
      Cable news is filled with a bunch of clowns anyway, so it is no surprise that the anchors are idiots when the people hiring them are coming up with dumbass ideas like this. Who would buy one of these?
      Maybe I shouldn’t answer that question … people watch CNN and Fox so they can get their opinions on everything anyway, so why not start watching it so they can figure out what to wear? Or so they can be told what to think is funny? When a stupid and barely funny movie about the dumbing down of America like “Idiocracy” is not only true but is targeted at the very people it is insulting, you know your country is in trouble.
      So, CNN: Stop being a bunch of dumbasses and either come up with another profit strategy or come up with some shirts that are actually funny. We prefer that you leave the funny headlines to places like The Onion and The Brushback. Meanwhile, have some self-respect and act like the reputable news source that you claim to be.
      And any CNN reader that purchases one of these shirts: Get a freaking clue. Take the dildo that Flash slaps the CNN people with and think up a funny trick to perform with it. At least then I might laugh … but I will NEVER think you are cool or trendy.

    • I might have ordered that synchronized swimmers shirt but I know you really would smack me with a rubber cock :)

    • You may not get too many complaints from the dude on the right. Looks like he might me into the punishment.

    • Sad as this t-shirt deal is, I’m not too shocked. CNN is worthless as a news source. It’s probably about time that they figured out what we all already knew!

    • Agree 100% on that Patrick. We’re not too far off from Idiocracy and it’s the media that’s pushing us more and more in that direction. People always say that the media is just giving the public what it wants but the media has ALWAYS been in control of what the public wants. They dictate the pace of everything and their coverage is what makes certain things popular and shapes the public taste. They could put a stop to all of this if they wanted to.

    • You wouldn’t want to be stuck in an elevator with them three.

    • 2 of em wouldn’t make it out of the elevator. But she’d leave one barely alive with that dildo half down his throat so he could server as a warning to others lol

    • I don’t know if this is CNN’s same story but the 41 hour elevator thing has happened before:
      Here’s the elevator vieo: http://youtube.com/watch?v=p_bMhNI_TY8
      and the related story: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/04/21/080421fa_fact_paumgarten

    • The saddest part is, CNN wouldn’t be total garbage if people didn’t want to watch and read it. So much for the value of a free press…

    • Patrick, my first thought was that of the movie Idiocracy as well. It’s a sad state of affairs when dumb and dumber cinema becomes reality.
      Whatever happened to people educating themselves so they can form their own opinions rather than having someone spoonfeed them regurgitated opinions?


    I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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