There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

South African Hookers Jinx The Three Lions

While having my senses abused by Joe Morgan during the Yankees/BoSux game last night, I noticed that Peter Gammons' teeth are an amazing shade of butter. I know he's this legend and all but he's not so big that someone at ESPN - or maybe even his bloody wife - can't force him to put a tube of Crest and maybe even some of those fancy White Strips to use. Being a Hall of Famer shouldn't mean that you can get away with having teefuses that, if pulled out and sold, can put Parkay out of business. Unacceptable.

--- 

But to the story at hand. It's well known that huge sporting events like the World Cup, Olympics and Super Bowl are boons for the skin trade. After the host site is announced, girls from far and wide grab their chinchilla coats, head to the destination like birds flocking south and get prepared for the influx of indiscriminating, drunken chumps with money to burn on cheap ass. You'd think they'd be unbiased about the fans coming in to cheer on their teams but it seems that when you're in the game of blowing and blanking as many men in possible, the nationality of your punters can be an important factor. At least, that's what these South African hookers believe. 

Meet Levola, Yolanda and Samantha [Note: moments before the interview, the trio was fined by police for exposing themselves to drivers] - three prostitutes from a South African shanty town that link England's success in World Cup qualifications to the prospects of escaping prostitution. According to them, the Army of the Three Lions (that's really what we should be called, you know) will bring in a wealth of cash:

“We just can’t wait. We only get paid about £10 for sex when drivers stop for us here. English men will pay a lot more...

Why, because they can't do better at home?

"We’ll probably have to fight over them with the girls who already have pitches in that area, but it will be worth it." - Yolanda Lorika

Now, a part of me thinks, "Hey! Maybe it's time you raise your games, you filthy mingers! Work harder, blow faster, incorporate something new. There are three of you - maybe you can put on a show! If you get creative over the next two years, you may not have to worry about having the jackhammer taken to you 1,800 times over by insane Englishmen and getting your hips broken. Besides, if that happens, then how will you make money??" But then I realize I'm just being a a foul asshole. So let's look at this realistically:

But when those good feelings come with a side of HIV, that's no good for anybody. You see, one in every two South African hookers is dogged with that pesky, fatal occupational hazard and no matter how much bad I wish upon our stupid hools, all that will happen is that these diseased bints will infect them and they'll bring the bug back to the Isles. How delightful.

Our only hope is that every single one of them chooses to forgo the hordes of toothless women lining the dirt roads and opts instead for 3 or 4 minutes with the chicks in this interview - modern marvels that have beaten the odds thus far by stealing heaps of condoms from the free clinic. 

“They would give us some for free, but not enough for our work,” said Lavola, who spurned paid sex with a Somalian man because a Nigerian man was willing to have sex in the comfort of his own home (and give her £7).

How very classy of the Nigerian man.

It's fantastic that these chicks are eager to get drilled into oblivion by the debauched nutters in our fanbase but let's be real here --- The Three Lions have left England in a state of perpetual pain and heartache since the 1960s, with each year more shameful than the last. The more people depending on this team's success, the worse they fail. So why these dumb bitches really think England is going to come through and help them get off the mean dirt streets is beyond me. If anything, we're more jinxed now than ever.

Thanks, South Africa! 

Posted at April 14, 2008 7:35 AM

Comments (8): South African Hookers Jinx The Three Lions

Toxic	April 14, 2008 6:48 AM
	Who says it's the fans they're after, they'd be fine additions to the WAGS and probably not as disease ridden as some.

Gavin	April 14, 2008 10:22 AM
	Agreed. The only difference between these girls and the WAGS is that the WAGS command a higher price for their services.

Hadrian	April 14, 2008 11:02 AM
	Is that one on the right pregnant? There might be a good market for dudes into that!

vancutsem	April 14, 2008 11:56 AM
	Are we sure The Sun didn't just go to Brixton, drag 3 girls off the street and photoshop the desolate countryside into the background?

Arrington	April 14, 2008 1:21 PM
	They look a little too well fed. Skippin a meal might help that budget ladies.

Will	April 14, 2008 6:01 PM
	Sodding Christ. To think Becks will still be around in 2010 :=(

Goldie	April 14, 2008 11:13 PM
	I bet the WC doesn't hit South Africa at all. FIFA is gonna swoop in at the last minute and move the tournament.

Erik	April 18, 2008 9:03 PM
	This is probably the funniest thing I have read all day. Nicely done! lol I can see why these girls are so optimistic. I mean, who wouldn't pay for the lovely lady in Dr. Seussian tights?

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