While having my senses abused by Joe Morgan during the Yankees/BoSux game last night, I noticed that Peter Gammons’ teeth are an amazing shade of butter. I know he’s this legend and all but he’s not so big that someone at ESPN – or maybe even his bloody wife – can’t force him to put a tube of Crest and maybe even some of those fancy White Strips to use. Being a Hall of Famer shouldn’t mean that you can get away with having teeth that, if pulled out and sold, can put Parkay out of business. Unacceptable.
But to the story at hand. It’s well known that huge sporting events like the World Cup, Olympics and Super Bowl are boons for the skin trade. After the host site is announced, girls from far and wide grab their chinchilla coats, head to the destination like birds flocking south and get prepared for the influx of indiscriminating, drunken chumps with money to burn on cheap ass. You’d think they’d be unbiased about the fans coming in to cheer on their teams but it seems that when you’re in the game of blowing and blanking as many men in possible, the nationality of your punters can be an important factor. At least, that’s what these South African hookers believe.
Meet Levola, Yolanda and Samantha [Note: moments before the interview, the trio was fined by police for exposing themselves to drivers] – three prostitutes from a South African shanty town that link England’s success in World Cup qualifications to the prospects of escaping prostitution. According to them, the Army of the Three Lions (that’s really what we should be called, you know) will bring in a wealth of cash:
“We just can’t wait. We only get paid about £10 for sex when drivers stop for us here. English men will pay a lot more…
Why, because they can’t do better at home?
“We’ll probably have to fight over them with the girls who already have pitches in that area, but it will be worth it.” – Yolanda Lorika
Now, a part of me thinks, “Hey! Maybe it’s time you raise your games, you filthy mingers! Work harder, blow faster, incorporate something new. There are three of you – maybe you can put on a show! If you get creative over the next two years, you may not have to worry about having the jackhammer taken to you 1,800 times over by insane Englishmen and getting your hips broken. Besides, if that happens, then how will you make money??” But then I realize I’m just being a a foul asshole. So let’s look at this realistically:
Assuming England actually reaches the World Cup, we’ll most assuredly have two uninspired, nauseating showings before going down 2-1 to some sad sack side like Poland. One of these matches will feature a controversial performance by David Beckham that not only reflects how talentless we are as a nation but also shows that he’s 8 years past his prime, remains the source of too much agony and must die. Under the circumstances, it’s only good manners to be looking forward to servicing thousands of drunken reprobates for a tenner apiece, right? Ease the pain? A little salve, so to speak, for the perennial wound?
But when those good feelings come with a side of HIV, that’s no good for anybody. You see, one in every two South African hookers is dogged with that pesky, fatal occupational hazard and no matter how much bad I wish upon our stupid hools, all that will happen is that these diseased bints will infect them and they’ll bring the bug back to the Isles. How delightful.
Our only hope is that every single one of them chooses to forgo the hordes of toothless women lining the dirt roads and opts instead for 3 or 4 minutes with the chicks in this interview – modern marvels that have beaten the odds thus far by stealing heaps of condoms from the free clinic.
“They would give us some for free, but not enough for our work,” said Lavola, who spurned paid sex with a Somalian man because a Nigerian man was willing to have sex in the comfort of his own home (and give her £7).
How very classy of the Nigerian man.
It’s fantastic that these chicks are eager to get drilled into oblivion by the debauched nutters in our fanbase but let’s be real here — The Three Lions have left England in a state of perpetual pain and heartache since the 1960s, with each year more shameful than the last. The more people depending on this team’s success, the worse they fail. So why these dumb bitches really think England is going to come through and help them get off the mean dirt streets is beyond me. If anything, we’re more jinxed now than ever.
Thanks, South Africa!