Jul 23, 2008
Flash

Cristina Ronaldo Destroys Progress

As an Arsenal Gooner and believer in the triumph of good over evil, I loathe Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s a diving puss-in-boots that deserves a solid kick to the neck. As such, I’d like to think that if he ever crossed my path, I’d choke him out and break his knees but the truth is – he’s a mesmerizing talent and the best footballer on the planet. It’s not enough that his body is capable of doing things that others cannot; he pulls off moves that others can barely conceive of, let alone attempt. No one is as fast and agile, nor is anyone more inventive or cunning, and it’s for that reason that he’s rapidly becoming the face of football. 

But when you become the unofficial ambassador of a sport, it’s important to remember that you’re not just catering to over-tanned Euros who know that beneath the crotch-hugging Pepe jeans and Louis Vuitton man purse is a man that frequently has orgies with hookers. You’re also serving Americans – Americans that are finally realizing how lame and fraudulent David Beckham actually is.. Americans that will snatch their kids off youth pitches and run for the hills upon noticing that their little boys are wearing the kit of a preening Mediterranean gigolo:

Cristina Ronaldo Continues to Gay up Soccer

 

Come on, Cristina – we have to do better than this! You represent a sport that has long fought for credibility in a pathalogically hypermasculine country where "real men" speak with "you-talkin’-ta-me" pugnacity and do pushups with their dicks. And yet here you are, prancing around Hollywood with shaved legs, booty shorts and a fauxhawk. You are the greatest talent of a generation; not one of Ricky Martin’s dancers. Do the game a favor and put on some cargo shorts and grab your crotch every once in a while. There are Americans to impress!

HT: Just Jared

7 Comments

  • Cannot wait to see that selfish git out of Old Trafford. He should be ashamed for the way he’s treated United after all that’s been done for him.

  • Looks like he is auditioning to be in the Madam Tussaud gallery

  • I hate Manure as much as anyone else with half a brain but leaving them at this point is foolish. Great things are happening at that club. But how can you expect a chap that walks around like this in broad daylight to be anything other than foolish?

  • I actually thought that was Ricky Martin up there and you were trying to make a point.

  • “As an Arsenal Gooner and believer in the triumph of good over evil”
    One certainly doesn’t lead to the other ;¬)

  • Agreed. That’s disgusting. I am going to have to go look at one of his girlfriends naked now to reassert my heterosexuality.

  • The guy can walk around looking like this and STILL bed mountains of supermodel ass, all while being the best soccer player on Earth. He’s at a level where he can look like a particlarly flamboyant cast member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and yet, with a phone call, have girls who wouldn’t give 99% of the male population a second look making out with one another while he has his way with them. In a weird way, I actually respect the guy for his f#ck the world attitude, if not his mode of expressing it.

Disclaimer

I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.

Subscribe

Enter your email address:

Categories

Archives

Extras

British Blogs

FlashWarner's Profile Page

Switch to our mobile site