As most of you are aware, I’ve participated in the Festivus celebration over at Airing of Grievances for the last 4 or 5 years. Well this year, they held Festivus about 5 days early, which seemed to damper the enthusiasm a bit.. but well meh. Since this blog is one continuous aired grievance where I rarely say anything positive, you might find some of it a bit familiar
To Bernie Madoff: The world of finance was built on shameless, unapologetic thievery. But the rogue and the crooked have nothing on your shenanigans, you fraudulent, traitorous cunt. You are a rapacious, wild animal that preyed upon your own people under the guise of tzedakah. You’ve victimized countless charities and spiked another rise in anti-semitism yet you still have the audacity to walk the streets of Manhattan with that smug, shit-eating grin.
Is it because you know you should be in shackles? Is it because you squirreled away a large portion of the funds and confessed to provide cover? Or is it because you’re wearing a bulletproof vest under that $5000 Burberry coat and you think no one can touch you? Something tells me it’s all of the above.
If it were up to me, I’d take it to you Rikers-style with my strap-on of justice before dragging you to an alley, beating you with chains and bamboo shoots and throwing you into a lion’s den. Let’s see how smug you’d be then. Now, I’m not foolish enough to believe this will ever happen, so I’m going to pin my hopes on the goyim being right about the existence of Hell. Because if they are, I’m pretty sure you’ll be immersed to your neck in the ice of Cocytus for the rest of eternity. When G-d shuffles you loose the mortal coil and dumps you in the 9th Circle, tell Cain that we all said hello.
To Madoff "Victims" (the individuals): You followed that Pied Piper down the primrose path and straight off the cliff and now you want someone to feel sorry for you? Why? Because now your kid has to go to Rutgers and you’ll have to trade in the Bentley for a Jetta? Eat a fucking dick. When common sense advised that you look beneath the hood, you put greed on autopilot and bought another home in Montauk. And it’s not like you battled with that decision. It was easy for you. Why? Because you were making money. Oh, and because Bernie was a member of the Tribe and your 98-year-old Zayde thought he was a nice guy. If there was any justice in this world, you’d be spending next Hanukkah working as greeters at Wal-Mart. Chumps.
To Congress: Shame on you. You had a real chance to not only help the people of Detroit but NFL fans at large by forcing the Ford family to give up ownership of the Lions and Ford Field before allowing them to visit Capital Hill. What’d you do instead? You bitched about private planes. I know you people get paid to drop the ball and piss your collective pants at the site of union officials but have a little sack. If I went to Detroit and ran a campaign called "Oust the Fords from Football" I’d be elected in a landslide and wouldn’t be sweating the possibility of some backwoods schmuck like Ron Gettelfinger screwing me out of an election.
To Rod Blagojevich: Here’s a tip: teabagging the constituency is a right reserved for charming, handsome men, not a man that allows his face to turn him into the margarine to John Travolta’s cross-dressing butter. Know your place.
To Al Davis: I’m sick of this emotional abuse. Why do you treat me this way? Why do you make me think I don’t deserve you? Am I not pretty enough? Is it my hips? I bet you didn’t even know that I flirted with another team this year. Yeah, that’s right. I had a date with the San Diego Chargers when you were out of town but then Norv Turner showed up and I had to run off to vomit… then I wept in shame I still can’t believe I got so emotional about it but I guess that’s what happens when you try to cheat on someone you love that doesn’t love you back.
To PETA: Breast milk for ice cream? Is this some type of self-sabotage? It’s like you’ve gotten on your knees to beg us to blow you off. Your primary mouthpieces are porn stars, C-list actresses and a woman whose vagina could’ve hidden Roger Clemens and his ego from the Senate and still had room to accommodate Tommy Lee’s forearm-sized penis.
These women can’t even string 8 words together. All they can do is lie in a sexy repose and remind us that they’d "rather go naked than wear fur" and we should feel that way too. I’ve got a message for you silly broads – we already do! Being naked is awesome. It’s liberating. It’s divine. And it’s the best way to feel the breeze. Fuck off until you say something that we can take seriously. Breast milk in ice cream. Someone oughta knock you out.
To Cristina Ronaldo: Football has long fought for credibility in America, a pathalogically hypermasculine country where "real men" speak with "you-talkin’-ta-me" pugnacity and do pushups with their dicks. And yet here you are, the unofficial ambassador of our sport, prancing around Hollywood with shaved legs, booty shorts and a fauxhawk. Are you insane?
Look, the footballing world knows that you’re a lothario with a penchant for hookers but Americans do not, soon they’ll come off David Beckham’s fraudulent sack to anoint you as the new role model for their little punters. And when they see you flaming out all over Europe with your self-tanner, crotch-hugging Pepe jeans and Louis Vuitton man purse, they will snatch their kids off the pitches and run for the hills.
You are the greatest talent of a generation; not one of Ricky Martin’s dancers. Get your act together, you diving puss-in-boots.
To Beyonce Knowles: The crimes: –
(On having an alter-ego with a name like a bootleg drag queen) – "I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am. Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage."
- (On being a pop star) – "There is a time limit on being a pop star, yes. Being a legend, an icon? Absolutely not. I’m over being a pop star. I don’t wanna be a hot girl. I wanna be iconic. And I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. I feel like I’m highly respected, which is more important than any award or any amount of records. And I feel like there comes a point when being a pop star is not enough."
- (On the "B’Phone" by Samsung) – "When I was 10, I recorded a song called ’632-5792′ — a phone number. It’s a little embarrassing but it’s cute. There’s a recording of that song on the phone exclusively for my fans. I wanted to make sure people got a feel for who I really am. It’s only through this phone that you can get this close to my life."
Bitches like you make me wish I carried around a floppy dildo that I could pull o
ut of a hip holster and smack people with whenever the need arose. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that you are in serious need of a cock punch. A fierce cock punch. To the face. It’s time you and your busted weaves got a little street justice.
To Madonna: It seems like an eternity since Guy Ritchie was a wunderkind whose films rocked us with brilliant pacing, outrageous humor and genius styling.
But then you came across the pond with your mysticism, faux English accent and desires to act. In no time, you had Guy’s deflated balls locked in your roided-up vagina prison and a promising career was in shambles. I assumed that’d be the last impact you’d have on my life but then came reports that you’d used your crotch of destruction to trap Alex Rodriguez.
I’m sure it wasn’t tough to lure him in, given his weakness for women with vaginas that flex like they’re Mr. Olympia. But with the Yankees’ hitting troubles, the last thing we need is an evil succubus like you turning A-Rod into the Guy Ritchie of baseball.
Both you and I know that your va-jay-jay is like The Ring and once chaps stare into that black hole, few are able to recover. If you leave A-Rod now, he may be able to recover by the All-Star break. CC and Teixeira can keep us in reach of the wild card until then.
And with that, I’m spent. Merry Chrismukkah, boys and girls. I’ve got 8 hours to start and finish all of my holiday shopping and do so without getting arrested for assault. Wish me luck.