Sep 26, 2009
Flash

Warren G: Citigroup’s Ass is a Busta!

John Paulson bet on your misery and wonSo the man most likely to take over Warren Buffet’s title as Smartest Investor in the Universe is John Paulson, a hedge fund titan who made about $6B shorting mortgage backed securities in 2007 and banks in 2008. Paulson is now betting on financial recovery and has reversed his stance on banks, most notably snapping up a 2% stake in the much-maligned Citigroup.

Now, Citi’s shares have more than quadrupled since March, so it stands to reason that Mr. Paulson might be on to something. But it’s possible that Warren G, last seen in 1994 regulating bustas with Nate Dogg and laying dames at the eastside motel, knows a little more. 

His newest album, The G Files, drops on Tuesday and features a track called "Swagger Rich." Since I live in the world, I know that swagger is all about attitude; confidence. It’s having a certain air about oneself that causes people to turn their heads and marvel. But some grade A cockhat at Vanity Fair was so vexed by the meaning of the title that he rang up Warren for an interview. You see, we’re in a recession, and if Warren is talking about swaggering rich, then he "has yet to realize that his bank account is empty or he’s a financial wizard the likes of which hip-hop has never seen before."

From Madoff to AIG, it doesn’t seem like there’s anybody we can trust. In this financial climate, does it make more sense to invest in Citigroup or the Crips?

Oh, hell no! Invest in the Crips? That’s crazy, man!

So you think the Bloods are a better investment?

Neither one of them! You don’t wanna get involved in any of that!

Swaggering Rich, ok?(Ed. note: this interview must be over the phone. Surely, Warren would have slapped this clown by now.)

You’re not seriously suggesting buying Citigroup stock, are you?

None of that shit, man. I think this recession was all caused by these humongous corporations. Those motherfuckers got money. Even with the recession, those motherfuckers got money. But everybody use the recession as an excuse. Everybody in the music industry, they be like, “We can’t pay you. It’s the recession, it’s the recession.” Recession my ass, motherfuckers. People got to get paid for what they’re worth. You know what I’m saying? You making a hundred thousand on a show and you only be giving me some crumbs. That shit gonna run out.

Where is the Wall Street Journal to snap him up for a column? What was that, Peggy Noonan? Warren doesn’t have the expertise to speak for the Journal? Step aside, honey. Your shit is played and tired. We’re ready for a man who will punch us in the mouth with real knowledge and opinion. See Peggy, Warren is no geek from the street. He’s from the G-Funk era, which, as you may or may not recall, was funked out with a gangsta twist. Financial bustas came at him with gats drawn. They took his rings; they took his Rolex. They did what they could to take Warren’s wealth. But when Nate Dogg rolled up with 16 in the clip and one in the hole, he and Warren G made those bodies turn cold. And that type of funk is just what the Journal needs. In fact, it’s what the United States of America needs!

It’s time for President Obama to nominate Warren G as the Czar of Financial Regulators. We could even bring in Nate Dogg to sing Cliff’s Notes of his speeches.

REGULATORS! Mount up!

8 Comments

  • Seriously one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long long time. By the way, I still find it hilarious that one of them (still don’t know which one was which but I think Nate Dogg) has absolutely perfect diction. He pronounces every syllable, doesn’t drop letters at the end of words. I defy you to go back and listen to that song again and pay attention to his diction and not be stunned

  • Ha ha the Nate Dogg and the G Child takin over Washington!

  • LOL financial regulators czar. the GOP aint havin any of that

  • An evening of murders and fucking never sounded so funk and chill :-)

  • I get that this dude’s schtick is probably to be the dumb white guy but it’s pretty insulting in places. But I guess that’s somewhat mitigated by Warren openly expressing his homophobia for no apparent reason.

  • In case you needed proof that we’re getting lazier as a people, here you go.
    This Vanity Fair poof is under the assumption that the only way to make money (swagger-related or otherwise) is to invest. Some of us just rely on a series of beefy paychecks and – get this – avoiding bad investments. Working for a living isn’t that bad.

  • I don’t know what’s more sad – the interviewer asking these shithead questions or Warren taking them seriously.

  • I heard Nate Dogg had a heart attack and a stroke last year. He’s not singing Cliff’s Notes for anybody!

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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.

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