So the man most likely to take over Warren Buffet’s title as Smartest Investor in the Universe is John Paulson, a hedge fund titan who made about $6B shorting mortgage backed securities in 2007 and banks in 2008. Paulson is now betting on financial recovery and has reversed his stance on banks, most notably snapping up a 2% stake in the much-maligned Citigroup.
Now, Citi’s shares have more than quadrupled since March, so it stands to reason that Mr. Paulson might be on to something. But it’s possible that Warren G, last seen in 1994 regulating bustas with Nate Dogg and laying dames at the eastside motel, knows a little more.
His newest album, The G Files, drops on Tuesday and features a track called "Swagger Rich." Since I live in the world, I know that swagger is all about attitude; confidence. It’s having a certain air about oneself that causes people to turn their heads and marvel. But some grade A cockhat at Vanity Fair was so vexed by the meaning of the title that he rang up Warren for an interview. You see, we’re in a recession, and if Warren is talking about swaggering rich, then he "has yet to realize that his bank account is empty or he’s a financial wizard the likes of which hip-hop has never seen before."
From Madoff to AIG, it doesn’t seem like there’s anybody we can trust. In this financial climate, does it make more sense to invest in Citigroup or the Crips?
Oh, hell no! Invest in the Crips? That’s crazy, man!
So you think the Bloods are a better investment?
Neither one of them! You don’t wanna get involved in any of that!
(Ed. note: this interview must be over the phone. Surely, Warren would have slapped this clown by now.)
You’re not seriously suggesting buying Citigroup stock, are you?
None of that shit, man. I think this recession was all caused by these humongous corporations. Those motherfuckers got money. Even with the recession, those motherfuckers got money. But everybody use the recession as an excuse. Everybody in the music industry, they be like, “We can’t pay you. It’s the recession, it’s the recession.” Recession my ass, motherfuckers. People got to get paid for what they’re worth. You know what I’m saying? You making a hundred thousand on a show and you only be giving me some crumbs. That shit gonna run out.
Where is the Wall Street Journal to snap him up for a column? What was that, Peggy Noonan? Warren doesn’t have the expertise to speak for the Journal? Step aside, honey. Your shit is played and tired. We’re ready for a man who will punch us in the mouth with real knowledge and opinion. See Peggy, Warren is no geek from the street. He’s from the G-Funk era, which, as you may or may not recall, was funked out with a gangsta twist. Financial bustas came at him with gats drawn. They took his rings; they took his Rolex. They did what they could to take Warren’s wealth. But when Nate Dogg rolled up with 16 in the clip and one in the hole, he and Warren G made those bodies turn cold. And that type of funk is just what the Journal needs. In fact, it’s what the United States of America needs!
It’s time for President Obama to nominate Warren G as the Czar of Financial Regulators. We could even bring in Nate Dogg to sing Cliff’s Notes of his speeches.