Oct 5, 2009

Gruden (v): To Perform Shameless Verbal Fellatio on NFL Player

prolific knob polisher, jon grudenYou know, a lot of people have been talking mess about Jon Gruden for adding absolutely nothing but energetic inanities to the weekly Monday Night Football broadcasts.

Now maybe some people don’t like him because he reminds them of that evil high school boy who they secretly hoped would get the emotional shit kicked out of him by life after graduation. Or maybe its because he spews rubbish like this:

  • “When the Dolphins run the ‘Wildcat,’ they want positive yardage. They don’t want negative plays”
  • “Great players have to step up and make big plays in big games”
  • “Jake Delhomme leads the league in grit”
  • “Mike McCarthy is one of the best challenge coachers in the league”
  • “This guy will blast you and like it”
  • “We used to call this the VICTORY play”
  • All are completely valid reasons to hate on the man (guess which one is mine), but I think it’s time we stop criticizing and give this championship coach the credit he’s due. You see, Jon Gruden just successfully called a 3.5 hour football game with Brett Favre’s cock lodged balls deep in his throat.

    What, like you could do the same? Please.

    But you know what? I bet tonight was a pretty cool experience for the old chap. Even though it goes without saying that Gruden always had a mouth like a Hoover, I bet he never imagined he’d reach the highest heights as the Champ Kind to Brett Favre’s Ron Burgundy when he was the Packers receiving coach in 1992 (did you know he had that job?). So let’s give a hip, hooray and huzzah to Jon Gruden. It’s time we tip our hats to him for a job well done.


    After giving Gruden the Maypole dance of a lifetime, Favre got the rest of ESPN drunk, made sweet love to them under the Minnesota stars and then cooked pancakes and sausages for them this morning.

    ESPN continues Favre blowfest

    What really scares me now is the possibility that the Vikings could somehow end up in the Super Bowl. Normally, I’d take solace in the fact that after week 12, Favre starts shitting the bed, but now he has Adrian Peterson and the Jared Allen defense. Who’s going to stop them? And more importantly, who is going to stop the media from shoving it down our throats? ESPN has monopolized sports broadcasting and the rest of the media takes its cues from the Worldwide Leader’s example.

    We’re in serious trouble.


    • “I just miss being around him.”
      That was excruciating.

    • i wonder if gruden and jaws will charge favre and jared allen for the dry cleaning bills on their pants.

    • This goes part and parcel with the “Thom Brennaman: to verbally felate a college football player.”
      See Brennaman’s performance in enjoying the musty taste of Tim Tebow’s taint. Just amazing.
      But Flash, HE SORTA COACHED FAVRE, Kinda, wellmaybenotreally

    • Unless his arm falls off, this isn’t gonna stop. I don’t think I can handle a full season of this.

    • C’mon Flash. He was just havin fun out there!

    • you’re just hatin because favre isn’t letting YOU nuzzle up in his nutsack.

    • all the favre stuff aside, it’s not hard to see (or hear?) why gruden lost his players and wound up on tv. jaws is still the only person in the booth providing actual insight into the game (when he’s not fluffing favre and allen’s balls).

    • I’m surprised we didn’t hear news of John Madden being so overcome by Favre’s return that he had a stroke.

    • LOL Champ Kind to Ron Burgundy. You’re killin me.

    • So you’re saying Gruden is the football equivalent of Rick Sutcliffe?
      And, really, having to watch all the Vikings games because of Favre isn’t nearly as bad, is it, as having to watch the Bills because of T.O.?

    • who’s having to watch Bills games because of TO other than Bills fans? the only time they’ve been on a national televised game was the opening of the season. I don’t think a lot of people realize TO is still in the league.


    I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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