So the Obamas are in Copenhagen trying to convince the IOC to award the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago. It’s logical to think that Chicago is a lock because what member of the international community can resist Barak Obama’s charms? Over here, he’s like the Second Coming with a splash of Bono, so the mere thought of being massaged by his seductive baritone should make even the most mercurial characters of the IOC weak in the knees.
But like men who blurt out "I love you" during sex and don’t mean it, the IOC will declare their love for Chicago when Obama delivers a moving speech about the spark, energy and verve of that toddlin’ town only to reverse course once they come out of that post-Oh haze. By dinner time, Chicago will be back where it started – scrambling against the intoxicating flora and fauna of Rio, the sentimental favorite in Madrid and the awesomeness of their bribes.
See, IOC members base their votes not on the quality of the host location but on the quality of its corruption, and even though no town does corruption like Chicago, Rio and Madrid have been leaning on the IOC since the late 1990s. So even though Chicago will generate more revenue and guarantee more profitable television contracts, the Second City is far from having this in the bag. That’s why the delegation brought along its ace in the hole – not Barak Obama or even Michael Jordan, who would just sabotage the effort by talking about how the IOC wronged him, but Oprah Winfrey.
If my twenty-odd years on this earth have taught me anything, it is this: you don’t fuck with The O. Should the IOC rule against Chicago, Oprah will direct her self-actualized, co-dependent army to boycott the 2012 London games. They won’t attend and they won’t watch. Christ, some may not even participate. NBC, Coca-Cola and McDonalds won’t have the minerals to fight her stand, and by the time the 2016 Games roll around (assuming O hasn’t already bought it and shut it down), it will be banished to the Versus Network, where it will compete for airtime against Slam Ball, IndyCar and the World Combat League.
In its place will be the O-lympics, a new brand of games put on by Harpo Productions. It’ll be just like the old games but Oprah-fied to be bigger, better, faster, more. Mary Carillo will do features on athletes who live their best lives, while Gayle King takes over Bob Costas’ chair at the update desk. Baseball and softball will return, and women who don’t know what to watch when gymnastics, swimming and track aren’t on will be aided by The O List – a ranking of useless, bullshit pursuits like the biathlon, dressage and power walking that she deems worth the watch.
Oprah is a post-modern priestess who controls the hearts and minds of 89% of the world’s women between the ages of 18 – 75. Her show is seen in 140 countries, and through that medium, she legislates what they eat, drink, read and wear. In Saudi Arabia, she’s revered as some sort of mystical goddess, and if she could wrangle the affections of the non-sensitive male, I’d swear she was the Antichrist.
Her poor choices in literature ensure that even the most undeserving authors can land on the New York Times Bestseller’s List. Her recommendation can turn a barely-getting-by niche operation into a multi-million dollar global behemoth. She got a man elected President* and had the power to shut down Michigan Avenue, one of the busiest streets in the world, so the horrifyingly awful Black Eyed Peas could perform in front of a flash mob.
Her mere mention of free gifts causes women to spontaneously combust, screaming and crying and praising Jesus. They find out they’re getting a Josh Groban cd and a pair of cashmere mittens and react like they just found out their vaginas are made out of diamonds.
I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Oprah was responsible for Jesus Christ’s crucifixion. When Pontius Pilate asked, "Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?" Oprah whipped up the crowd for Barabbas and fled the scene, cleverly disguised as a Hebrew mother of twelve.
In short, when Oprah says jump, you don’t ask how high. You fucking jump and sweat the details when you come back down. What Americans know and members of the IOC had better understand is that this is Oprah’s world. The rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut, and if the IOC knows what’s best for them, Chicago will be awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic Games.
* Oh so vital edit
Rabid Crazies picture courtesy: The Huffington Post