Oct 26, 2009

Were You Trying to Seduce Me, Mr. Pettitte?

My boyfriend Andy Pettitte is so gooooooodI stayed up until 4:30 am watching the New York Yankees win their 40th AL Pennant, and now I’m too wired to sleep. In light of that, I have a few random thoughts.

  1. Last night, Andy Pettitte worked the strike zone like an attentive lover. I wish I could trade places with it. I’d tell him myself but he’s yet to respond to the last letter I sent with locks of my hair in it.
  2. If Robinson Cano was a genre of music, he’d be jazz — one of those smooth Charlie Parker joints with cool, easy getout phrases and soft, sweet, fairytale solos. Though Cano’s defensive play ranges in quality, the way he turns double plays is absolutely sublime.
  3. Vladimir Guerrero is dumber than hair
  1. In related news, the bulk of the Angels roster is shockingly dumb as well. The words fundamentals and smart should never be used in the same sentence as “Angels” ever again.
  1. I mean, wow.
  • The Yankees were .187 (how appropriate) with RISP in the ALDS, but unlike the Angels, the Phillies are aware that they play in the major leagues. This means they won’t play like asshats in the World Series. it also means they will pound us into submission if we dare leave 52 men on base. You hear that, Posada, Swisher and Teixeira?
  • After watching the New York Jets violate Jamarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Silver & Black should change their logo to the Gordian Knot. It is the only image that can truly define this sad organisation.
  • In related news, I got a call from my 9 year old nephew, Alejandro, who was distraught about the Raiders’ spectacular ineptitude.
    A: Aunt (Flash), I’m confused.
    F: And I’m here to help.
    A: Well, we are Warners.
    F: Sure are.
    A: And Papa says that makes us winners. (We have a lot of family pride. If we were chavs, at least one of us would have our surname tattooed in Old English across his or her shoulders)
    F: Don’t ever forget it, hombrito. Papa speaks the truth.
    A: Then why are we cheering for the Raiders? They are not winners.
    – I had no answers for him. Sadness abounds.
  • When will the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots stop running up scores like they’re in the SEC? You don’t need style points to impress BCS voters, assholes. You’re going to the playoffs, not the Sugar Bowl.
  • ESPN fired Steve Phillips, the former Mets GM who had an affair with a 22 year old production assistant. If ESPN cared as much about the quality and competency of their on-air talent as they do about scandal being brought upon them, they wouldn’t be doing to sports what MTV has already done to music.
  • Like all public figures who get into trouble, Phillips has decided to enter “a treatment facility to address his personal issues.” I assume this means sex addiction rehab, but the reality is that Steve Phillips doesn’t have a sex addiction problem. He has a Settling for Ugly Bitches problem. If you’re going to cat around and ruin your career, do it with a woman who is worth a damn. Not some hideously fugly broad who looks like Snoopy and spreads like peanut butter because she’s insecure. I wish I had more hands to give this man more thumbs down.

    • I could root for the Twins and I could even side with the Angels but I don’t know if I can bring myself to pull for the Phillies, even against the Stankees. Somebody wake me up when it’s over.

    • I got a little worried there when Pettitte came back out to start the 7th because his 6th was a little shaky but he was strong last night. That was vintage stuff. If we can just take care of the RISP issue, our chances are really, really strong.

    • 10. “I don’t know whether to be offended or amused.”
      Personally, I’d stop associating with people whose first thought is Disney characters.
      Halos must have been saving up all those gaffs over the last few years just for this series.

    • Sadly Toxic, I think you’re bang on. I’m gonna have to ditch them.

    • …poor little Alejandro is now emotionally scarred. :(

    • We cheer for the Raiders because we don’t know how not to. And that’s not for lack of effort.
      ESPN fired Steve Phillips, the former Mets GM who had an affair with a 22 year old production assistant.
      Chris Berman’s been having an affair with a 22 year old schtick, yet they keep him on the air.

    • I’m not married but if I was, I’d totally let you bring down my career. That said, if I was having an affair, I’d probably be gunning for lower tail than you just to make sure I wouldn’t strike out :)

    • Men are so lame. Their affairs are rarely upgrades in the looks department, which, I’d think, accounts for at least some of the appeal. The only notable cheater to take a step up in this department was Bill Clinton and that is only because Hillary was just that fucking unappealing.

    • Alejandro knows the truth, Flash. Let the kid break the cycle and find a new team he can be proud of before he’s permanently traumatized

    • This is gonna be the best series in years. I can’t wait.
      As for the Colts and the Pats, it’s shit that they keep throwing late in those games but at the same time, this is professional sports where parity is supposed to rule. Opposing teams aren’t supposed to be so bad that they need a mercy rule.

    • Maine if Berman went down in scandal, the whole place would collapse on itself. They’ll protect that fat piece of shit until his clogged arteries no longer allow it.


    I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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