Jan 24, 2011

Jack LaLanne Becomes Godfather of Fitness in Heaven

The only person who had a chance of outliving Al Davis has shuffled loose our mortal coil and gone to heaven. And probably not because his body officially tapped out but because he was sick of inhabiting the earth with a bunch of lazy fat-fats.

Jack LaLanne, president of the Order of Certifiable Beasts & Badasses and jumpsuit wearer, passed away yesterday of respiratory failure due to pneumonia at the age of 96. For more than 70 years, he preached healthy eating and exercise, and every once in a while, he’d pull off an amazing feat of strength just to remind the world how much ass he kicked. Jay Cutler, the Chicago Bears QB who sprained his uterus playing the Packers yesterday, wishes he could be 1/4 the man LaLanne was. Here’s just a sampling of him in beast mode:

* Set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes
* Swam the Golden Gate channel while towing a 2,500-pound cabin cruiser
* Swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman’s Wharf handcuffed and shackled to a 1,000-pound boat
* Towed 65 boats filled with 6,500 pounds of Louisiana Pacific wood pulp while handcuffed
* Towed 70 rowboats full of people for one mile while handcuffed

“While shackled and handcuffed” seemed to be a theme for Jack LaLanne (I wonder if his appropriately named wife of 51 years, Elaine LaLanne, has insight into that), and I’m sad it didn’t come into play during his Power Juicer infomercials. I watched those on many nights in university when I either had insomnia or was in that weird phase of intoxication where I was too wasted to sleep. One time, I drunkenly succumbed to his charms and ordered a juicer, thinking I’d start this organic living revolution in my house. But once it arrived, I realised that using it took significantly more effort than it did to buy Simply Orange from the market and drink it directly from the bottle while standing in front of the fridge.

If Jack knew a customer did that, he’d be disappointed. So today, I will wear my baby blue Lycra onesie in his honour. It’s the least I can do.


  • 1/4 the man LaLanne ever was? This guy’s corpse is more man than Cutler will ever be.

  • LOL Sprained uterus. Perfect.

  • AH HA!! The truth! All of his healthy eating talk was nothing but bullshit and propaganda! We see through your lies now, LaLanne!


    • Hah classic. I remember this skit and having no idea that Carey was making fun of somebody. I thought this was a character he made up.

  • They’ve been carrying the Juicers in the local stores for the last couple days. You want me to pick you up another one? :)


I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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