Feb 8, 2011

Dallas Official Gives Key to the City to Michael Vick

Keeping with this week’s dysfunctional theme of success equaling redemption, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick received the key to the city from Dallas Councilman and Mayor Pro Tem Dwaine Caraway last Saturday. No, this story isn’t from The Onion. It actually happened.

It seems that Vick, a man who, 1) is the quarterback of the city’s most hated divisional rival; 2) owned a dog fighting operation so grisly the losers either died in the pit or were electrocuted, drowned, hanged or shot; and 3) is a convicted felon on probation, is the perfect candidate for one of Dallas’s highest municipal awards — an honour typically reserved for distinguished community members and organisations that provide outstanding civic contributions and heroic community service.

You see, Vick did the absolutely remarkable and spoke to at-risk Dallas children about staying in school, saying no to drugs, and being kind to animals. If those are the standards, he should have the keys to around 250 cities by now. That’s about how many times he’s done his image-repairing penance since his release in 2009, isn’t it?

“What he is doing and the effect it has on the children lives is the most important factor… In the eyes of many people, he’s a hero,said Caraway, adding that he doesn’t condone animal cruelty.

Dallas’s at-risk youth need to hear from someone like Michael Vick. Why? Because he’s just like them. Regardless of what you think about him,  he’s someone with whom they can relate, and his words will have significantly more impact than those from model citizen superstars like DeMarcus Ware, Jason Witten, and Miles Austin.

But to celebrate him as a hero is nothing short of galactically stupid, not to mention offensive to people in the Dallas community who really deserve it. The guy killed animals – brutally, went to prison, and stayed out of trouble for 18 months. He’s not a hero. He’s a bleeding asshole on probation who’s trying to earn enough money to stave off bankruptcy. If he can improve his Q-rating in the process and get a sponsorship or two, all the better.

Is this what makes a hero these days? If so, someone dig up Ravens WR Donte Stallworth and former RB Maurice Clarett and bring them to Dallas for a little recognition.

Stallworth has stayed out of trouble since serving 30 days for committing vehicular homicide with his Bentley in 2008. The same can be said for Clarett who, after doing prison time for armed robbery, now toils away in a low level football league, dreaming of returning to the NFL. Both of these former misfits have seen the many errors of their ways, and both do what they can to serve as cautionary tales to the youth in their communities. So where are their keys? When will they be treated like heroes? Oh, that’s right — they aren’t successful or high profile enough for that. Sorry for bothering you, gentlemen. Wake us up when you’re at the top of the fantasy rankings.


  • Did you hear about the guy in California who was killed by his Cock? Appparently he attached a shank on the rooster’s foot and it shanked him. Poetic justice? Cocks gone wild? You tell me. Too bad this didn’t happen to Vick. Below is the link:

    • Beautiful. Animal karma strikes again.

    • And I bet the DA won’t press charges……. because he’s chicken.


      • I bet he’s in a real fowl mood about this.

  • The kids aren’t gonna respect Vick even more because he has a key to the city now. Caraway is a dumb ass.

  • From what people are saying, this was a bullshit publicity stunt by a guy who’s going to run for mayor soon. What’s fucked about it all is I bet this helps him win.

  • Another Dallas official gave one to Gene Simmons :) I think they’re passin em out like candy bars down there.

  • Maybe T.O. can get one. They love him in Dallas don’t they?

    • It can be engraved with that image of him doing a celebration dance on the Dallas star.

  • This site has a video by a Dallas radio personality who adopted one of the Vick dogs. He tried to confront Vick about it but got a face full of STFU. I guess he’s not one of the ones who thinks Vick’s a hero.


    • I don’t wanna defend Vick right here but this was settin up to be a real PR nightmare. This guy may not like it but nobody that handles Vick is ever gonna let him get caught talking to anybody in that situation.


I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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