Last night, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was just two ticks away from being a good person. All he had to do to make us forget about that whole rapey pariah thing was march the Steelers down the field and win the Super Bowl by a point. That’s it.
A tough charge for most QBs, sure, but we’re talking about the master of the two minute drill. The bloke has 19 fourth quarter comebacks and 25 game-winning drives in his seven year career. What’s a six point deficit with 2:07 on the clock and the ageless Charles Woodson on the sideline?
A lot, apparently. Five plays and 1:18 later, it was over. Anticlimactic doesn’t even begin to describe it. Instead of a last second, dramatic shot in the end zone, we got the equivalent of a workup to an epic orgasm that goes unrealised because the bloke you’re with comes just a little too soon.
You really don’t know how sad that is.
Anyway, thanks to the Packers’ 31 – 25 victory (also known as zero turnovers beats three), Big Ben is still a rapist and has to wait another year for a chance to win our hearts. Christina Aguilera, on the other hand, will never have that chance.
Looking like a bloated cross between Snooki and Cyndi Lauper, the diva didn’t just botch the Star Spangled Banner; she threw it in the mud, stomped on it, and then set it on fire. Celebrities can get away with a lot of things and be forgiven. You can do everything from water sports and sex with 14 year olds to being a party to a cold blooded murder, but you can’t pull a Pamela Bell (see below) and expect to survive.
Others with no redemption
* Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez: I wish we could implant his talents into Ramiro Peña and then ship him and his lame sack personality to the Angels.
* Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas: It’s too bad Will.I.Am (who does this guy keep blowing to get these sweet gigs?) wouldn’t share the autotune because homegirl needed it in spades. After destroying her own group’s catalog, she joined Slash in an epic raping of Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine”.
This “performance” – which Slash likely used as a clever “fuck you” to Axl on his 49th birthday – is precisely why the temperamental frontman is so litigious. He’s protecting his work from abuse, while also shielding the public from Public Acts of Musical Fuckery.
Hopefully, Axl is preparing to file suit against Fergie for taking a massive poo on one of his epics and then ripping off “The Snake” (badly) in front of millions. Who does this bitch think she is? Whitney Houston can belch out better melodies after a burrito and crack dinner. You fail, madam.