Feb 7, 2011
Flash

Ben Roethlisberger’s Redemption Postponed

Last night, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was just two ticks away from being a good person. All he had to do to make us forget about that whole rapey pariah thing was march the Steelers down the field and win the Super Bowl by a point. That’s it.

A tough charge for most QBs, sure, but we’re talking about the master of the two minute drill. The bloke has 19 fourth quarter comebacks and 25 game-winning drives in his seven year career. What’s a six point deficit with 2:07 on the clock and the ageless Charles Woodson on the sideline?

A lot, apparently. Five plays and 1:18 later, it was over. Anticlimactic doesn’t even begin to describe it. Instead of a last second, dramatic shot in the end zone, we got the equivalent of a workup to an epic orgasm that goes unrealised because the bloke you’re with comes just a little too soon.

You really don’t know how sad that is.

Anyway, thanks to the Packers’ 31 – 25 victory (also known as zero turnovers beats three), Big Ben is still a rapist and has to wait another year for a chance to win our hearts. Christina Aguilera, on the other hand, will never have that chance.

Looking like a bloated cross between Snooki and Cyndi Lauper, the diva didn’t just botch the Star Spangled Banner; she threw it in the mud, stomped on it, and then set it on fire. Celebrities can get away with a lot of things and be forgiven. You can do everything from water sports and sex with 14 year olds to being a party to a cold blooded murder, but you can’t pull a Pamela Bell (see below) and expect to survive.

Others with no redemption
* Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez: I wish we could implant his talents into Ramiro Peña and then ship him and his lame sack personality to the Angels.

* Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas: It’s too bad Will.I.Am (who does this guy keep blowing to get these sweet gigs?) wouldn’t share the autotune because homegirl needed it in spades. After destroying her own group’s catalog, she joined Slash in an epic raping of Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine”.

This “performance” – which Slash likely used as a clever “fuck you” to Axl on his 49th birthday – is precisely why the temperamental frontman is so litigious. He’s protecting his work from abuse, while also shielding the public from Public Acts of Musical Fuckery.

Hopefully, Axl is preparing to file suit against Fergie for taking a massive poo on one of his epics and then ripping off “The Snake” (badly) in front of millions. Who does this bitch think she is? Whitney Houston can belch out better melodies after a burrito and crack dinner. You fail, madam.

28 Comments

  • It’s really sad that all would’ve been forgiven with Roethlisberger if that drive had gone differently. It’s the same as the bullshit with Michael Vick. Everybody hated the guy until he started blowing up the league. Now, only the hardliners hate him. 10 months from now, it’ll be like it never happened, and the same for Roethlisberger too. As long as he has a quiet off-season, it’s forgiven, forgotten.

  • An anticlimax that pissed someone I know off because he reckons once it gets so far in the season it’s rigged and as soon as the Packers scored stated “that’s it the Steelers win and all is forgotten about Roethlisberger”. He was also slightly narked he hadn’t backed Wide Receiver in the 2:50 at Fontwell.

    • The Packers receivers almost singlehandedly gave the Steelers the ballgame. They must’ve gotten the commissioner’s memo!

      • Every time they dropped one all you could hear was “told you”.

    • The NFL had to choose between erasing Favre’s shittiness from our memories or Roethlisberger’s. Favre won out, this time. They’ll take care of Big Ben next season.

  • “the equivalent of a workup to an epic orgasm that goes unrealised because the bloke you’re with comes just a little too soon. You really don’t know how sad that is.”

    Hate to have been that bloke.

    • I don’t know Flash but she doesn’t seem like the sort of bird to react well to such malfunctions.

  • Fuck Axl. He derserves to get mind-fuck every chance possible. Heard the lawsuit was being drawn up as soon as Slash reached the top of the stage. Hey Slash, if you’re gonna stick it Axl, show up at a rehearsal to make sure the bitch can actually sing the damn song. Nice try though. Keep at it.

    • Agreed. Axl fucking sucks. They should’ve had Fergie, Christina Aguilera, and that girl from Glee do a screechy November Rain-Sweet Child O Mine-Welcome to the Jungle medley. That would’ve been a real fuck you.

  • We can thank Janet Jackson’s nipple for the Black Eyed Peas. After that debacle, they’re the only group even approaching hip hop that the NFL feels comfortable putting out for its family friendly halftime show.

    • I’m a little surprised all of the patriotic songs weren’t done by Glee with a Glee halftime performance.

  • You’re so right about this. He’d be a hero today, with everyone in Pittsburgh reminding the rest of us that it’s ALLEGEDLY.

  • It says a lot of awful things about our society that people like Michael Vick can do horrible things and be forgiven, and Christina Aguilera messes up lyrics and America will hate her forever. She’s in the Jane Fonda club now. She would’ve been better off electrocuting dogs at Bad Newz Kennelz.

  • I hate Axl but I love Sweet Child O Mine. Hearing it get treated like that made the heart hurt.

  • Oh my god, people…it’s called satire. Flash is making fun of retarded talking heads that actually have the audacity to think that winning a Super Bowl is redemption for being rapey. That of course is ridiculous and him standing up on the podium with the Lombardi would just make people hate him even more. See…that’s the joke!

    • Come on. You say that as if most people are smart or reasonable enough to look at his Super Bowl win independently of the rape allegations. Winning cures nearly everything for talking heads and sports fans alike. It’s true that some people would still hate Roethlisberger but his winning would’ve helped a lot of people start to forget. Instead of calling him rapey, they’d be saying “well, there weren’t any charges filed.” “Innocent until proven guilty!” etc etc.

  • I just don’t think that’s true. It’s the exact opposite. Anyone who has already made up their mind that Ben absolutely 100% raped that girl would just hate him even more after being deified by the media for winning another Super Bowl and talking about his “redemption.” People would be more apt to forget if the Steelers had gone 1-15 this year.

    As for Steeler fans…well most probably just root for laundry. They don’t need to try to justify Ben’s boorish behavior in order to root for him to do the things on the field that help his team win football games. You just separate the two. There’s no logical path to being a Steeler fan and being a proponent of rape.

    • You give people way too much credit.

    • Nobody said anything about Steelers fans, but if you were right, the whole world would hate Kobe Bryant. They don’t anymore. No one could stand him during the rape trial and the feuding with Shaq, but now he’s won a couple rings and has a work ethic that everybody admires and what do you know, his jersey is the biggest seller in the NBA. Plenty of people hate him, but a lot more either love him or have no problem real problem with him. You barely hear about the rape anymore. If people hate on him, it’s because of his attitude. Roethlisberger won’t be much different in the long run if he stays out of trouble. Winning on Sunday would’ve been a good boost to his cause.

    • Yeah they’d hate him more but how many fans are really in that category? Most people don’t like him (and they didn’t before all this) but since he hasn’t been charged, time and winning will heal all those wounds. The same thing is goin on with Vick. A lot of people hate his ass and will keep hating him but by this time next year (if there’s a season) he’ll be the guy that paid his debt to society and worked hard to turn it around.

  • Oh, I’m sorry…I thought “everybody in Pittsburgh” was a reference to Steeler fans.

    • Sorry. Didn’t see that comment up there.

  • Redemption is only a matter of time because people are so fucking shallow.

  • I was hoping he’d throw the ball so hard and so fast that it’d circle the Earth and come back to rape him.

  • I don’t know. I just don’t think winning the Super Bowl would do anything but intensify people’s disdain. Although, there is a guy that was charged with a double murder and plea-bargained out of the charges to testify against his two buddies and nobody’s been arrested to this day despite there being two dead bodies as evidence that a crime was committed and nobody seems to give a shit about that…so maybe there’s something to this.

    • I agree with you but only because it hasn’t been a year yet since the allegations and the suspension. People need a little more time than that. If this was the ’11-’12 season though, he’d be all set.

  • “We got the equivalent of a workup to an epic orgasm that goes unrealised because the bloke you’re with comes just a little too soon. You really don’t know how sad that is.”

    Is it too much to ask for this to be about Tom Hardy? :)

    • Haha entirely too much to ask

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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.

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