Feb 1, 2011

Whoops: Scouser Fan Changed Name to Fernando Torres

Fernando Torres’s record-breaking and totally ridiculous £50M switch from Liverpool to Chelsea is laying waste to the Kop fan base. They’re burning the number 9 kit, weeping in the streets, and acting like petulant crazies because they traded a sulky player made of glass with three good years left. Admittedly, I was in the same mental state when Thierry Henry walked away but we’re not talking about my hypocrisy right now.

Sad examples from Red, White, and Kop:
* “That season, watching Fernando Torres and Liverpool F.C. was the reason I fell in love with this game. Watching him jump onto Stevie’s back every time they came together for a goal was a momentary escape from the monotony of the day. There’s a famous banner that has floated around Anfield, it reads ‘Your Dreams – Our Reality.’ It felt surreal watching the Spaniard bang in goals left and right. Call it naivety if you must, but I thought that feeling would be ours forever.”

* “He Who Betrays Us Will Always Walk Alone.” :(

* “Please don’t burn your Torres shirt. Send it to a kid in Africa who will experience the joy of wearing his first footy shirt.” And why wouldn’t an African kid burn the shirt?

* Let’s rob a people of their natural resources! Torres: “Sounds like something I could get behind. F*ck all the kids who used to believe in me.”

* “I hate you so much because I loved you so much.”

You get the idea.

But no fan is in a greater state of sadness than the Scunthorpe prat who legally changed his name to Fernando Torres. The former Shaun McCormack, a 36-year-old father of four, paid £13.39 to honour his idol. Just a month ago, McCormack said:

I chose the name Fernando Torres McCormack because the guy is a legend… He is the best thing that has ever happened to Liverpool FC. I also chose the name because I have never liked the name Shaun and it never felt right… As a family, we go to Spain every year and I just love the name Fernando…It’s a dream come true. I know he isn’t having the greatest of seasons but, for me, he’s the best striker on the planet. I did think about changing my name to Steven Gerrard, but I wanted something a little more flamboyant.”

And now you walk alone, you twat. Only a Liverpool fan would think this an acceptable move and only an absolute fool would think Torres was the best thing ever to happen to the club. The guy has won no trophies and brought no glory. All he’s really done is serve as a welcome visual distraction to Steven Gerrard’s invisible forehead and crap haircut.

In a follow up with the Scunthorpe Telegraph, Fernando McCormack said: “The transfer news has gutted me. I just love the name Fernando but I don’t know what to do now.”

How about kill yourself. Jump off a bridge. Lay down in traffic. Surrender to a wild pack of dogs. Any of those options are more acceptable than your decision to do the sporting equivalent of putting the pussy on a pedestal. You fail, sir.


  • “Let’s rob a people of their natural resources! Torres: ‘Sounds like something I could get behind. F*ck all the kids who used to believe in me.’”

    I absolutely marvel at the hypocrisy of the Scousers right now. They bleat on about the Blues taking Torres moving to Chelsea when they’ve just robbed Newcastle of its prized asset.

    • Adding to that their rationale is that they gave Newcastle enough cash to get new players so it’s all okay but they’re too stupid to notice that Chelsea basically gave them the same gift.

  • This bloke sounds like an epic cunt. He just likes the name Fernando? Steven Gerrard is not flamboyant enough? How in sodding Christ does “Fernando” feel right? In his dreams and up his arse, maybe, but that’s all.

  • “the sporting equivalent of putting the pussy on a pedestal.”

    This is even worse than putting the pussy on a pedestal because the rotter isn’t getting anything out of it.

  • Sad. Your name is your identity. If it doesn’t suit you and you don’t like it, then make a change. But taking on someone else’s name says a lot about how little you value yourself.

  • This club is bigger than one player and I’m not going to lose the plot over it but this muppet is a fucking loser! He’s not quite as bad as the fuck who got Kaka tattooed on his chest but he’s close.


    • So when Kaka turns out to be a piece of shit and this guy hates him, he can fix everything by not shaving his chest anymore. Genius.

  • Flamboyant sounds about right. He looks like a bit of a poof.

  • Pretty funny:

  • I will never understand why fans go on like they are at the Kop when a player wants nothing to do with them. It makes them so pathetic, especially when they should have foreseen a long time ago. As soon as Scousers were no longer Champions League eligible, El Nino was looking for a way out. He’s not Gerrard. He wasn’t going to waste years of his career out of loyalty. He owes Liverpool nothing. I can’t believe all of this shock and surprise.

  • “He is the best thing that has ever happened to Liverpool FC”

    I wonder if he was a member of Spirit of Shankly or has ever been through the Shankly Gates or recently chanted Dalglish’s name at Hodsgon.

    On the plus side for the scousers at least they managed to burn their Torres shirts unlike that Geordie twat trying to do Carroll’s.

    Was it a Toonite or a Toffee who had a huge Duncan Ferguson tattoo done just before he was flogged on?

    • It’d have to be a Toffee. They’re insane for that thuggish shitstorm. Ferguson was no better though getting that Everton crest tattoo right before he got shipped off to the Toon.


I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.


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