Fernando Torres’s record-breaking and totally ridiculous £50M switch from Liverpool to Chelsea is laying waste to the Kop fan base. They’re burning the number 9 kit, weeping in the streets, and acting like petulant crazies because they traded a sulky player made of glass with three good years left. Admittedly, I was in the same mental state when Thierry Henry walked away but we’re not talking about my hypocrisy right now.
Sad examples from Red, White, and Kop:
* “That season, watching Fernando Torres and Liverpool F.C. was the reason I fell in love with this game. Watching him jump onto Stevie’s back every time they came together for a goal was a momentary escape from the monotony of the day. There’s a famous banner that has floated around Anfield, it reads ‘Your Dreams – Our Reality.’ It felt surreal watching the Spaniard bang in goals left and right. Call it naivety if you must, but I thought that feeling would be ours forever.”
* “He Who Betrays Us Will Always Walk Alone.”
* “Please don’t burn your Torres shirt. Send it to a kid in Africa who will experience the joy of wearing his first footy shirt.” And why wouldn’t an African kid burn the shirt?
* Let’s rob a people of their natural resources! Torres: “Sounds like something I could get behind. F*ck all the kids who used to believe in me.”
* “I hate you so much because I loved you so much.”
You get the idea.
But no fan is in a greater state of sadness than the Scunthorpe prat who legally changed his name to Fernando Torres. The former Shaun McCormack, a 36-year-old father of four, paid £13.39 to honour his idol. Just a month ago, McCormack said:
“I chose the name Fernando Torres McCormack because the guy is a legend… He is the best thing that has ever happened to Liverpool FC. I also chose the name because I have never liked the name Shaun and it never felt right… As a family, we go to Spain every year and I just love the name Fernando…It’s a dream come true. I know he isn’t having the greatest of seasons but, for me, he’s the best striker on the planet. I did think about changing my name to Steven Gerrard, but I wanted something a little more flamboyant.”
And now you walk alone, you twat. Only a Liverpool fan would think this an acceptable move and only an absolute fool would think Torres was the best thing ever to happen to the club. The guy has won no trophies and brought no glory. All he’s really done is serve as a welcome visual distraction to Steven Gerrard’s invisible forehead and crap haircut.
In a follow up with the Scunthorpe Telegraph, Fernando McCormack said: “The transfer news has gutted me. I just love the name Fernando but I don’t know what to do now.”
How about kill yourself. Jump off a bridge. Lay down in traffic. Surrender to a wild pack of dogs. Any of those options are more acceptable than your decision to do the sporting equivalent of putting the pussy on a pedestal. You fail, sir.