There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Tiger Woods Masters Drinking Challenge!

So Tiger Woods is making his triumphant return to sport at Augusta. Fantastic news, really. Tournament sponsors and networks get their ratings; tens of millions will watch a round of golf without waking up 3 hours later in a puddle of their own drool; and Phil Mickelson gets a valid reason for that "No one knows I just took it up the arse" look he always has on his face. We're all winners. 

As such, the only thing that can spoil the 2010 Masters is mind-numbing commentary about Tiger's time away from the game and how that's affected his play, the sport itself and, really, the world at large. Even though all of that has been covered ad nauseam since last December, it's all we're going to get from Thursday to Red Shirt Sunday (even if Tiger doesn't make the cut). Sure, they'll try to even things out by mentioning Camilo Villegas' new haircut and making remarks about Phil Mickelson's banned Ping fiasco, but by and large, we're effed.

So like any immature drunkard, I have devised this simple yet effective game for surviving the Masters (or dying in the middle of it). 

Take a shot or chug any time the following is said:

• 1 shot - Layoff, rehab, scandal, sex
  
• 2 shots - Transgressions, 2008 knee injury
  
• 3 shots - Any mention of public apology or sponsors
• 4 shots - Family: Earl, Kutilda, Elin Woods or pictures of children
• Shot and a beer - Commentary from a golf legend (Nicklaus, Palmer, Player, etc) OR Jesper Parnevik
• Ultimate Warrior Challenge - Gentle Path Rehab Facility
• Blackout Bonus - Any named mistress

SI: Rooney's 100th Goal Helps ManU Down Chelsea

No, that didn't actually happen. Wayne Rooney scored his 100th goal in the Prem against Arsenal, the second score in a horrific 3-1 shellacking of the Gooners that left me sad and nauseated, but don't tell Sports Illustrated that.

I'm picking nits here but this carelessness is not only annoying, it also illustrates just why football will never gain a true foothold in American culture. The one medium that claims to do all it can to improve the game's popularity in the States (and the only one with the power to do so) can't even pull together the effort required to generate an accurate headline. And it's not just any headline. It's one that covers a massive accomplishment from one of the world's best players who happens to play in one of the world's best leagues.

Further, it was in the top stories for hours before cycling off the page, and in all that time, no one noticed. Or maybe they thought no one would notice who actually cared. Either way, it's ridiculous.

When Kobe Bryant scored his 20,000th point against the Knicks, the headline didn't read Celtics. When Ken Griffey Jr joined the 500 Home Run Club against the Cardinals, the headline didn't claim it was the Cubs. I know not many people care about football in the States and the media doesn't take it particularly seriously but have some respect. Chelsea and Arsenal have achieved too much in the world of football to be treated as interchangeable afterthoughts by some web editor who can't be bothered to read the article to which he's linking.

The Foolish Hubris Files: Eric Mangini & Me

As I'm sure you've ascertained, I was appropriately pwned for betting on Radiohead in the Breeders' Cup Juvenile on Saturday. I know it was dumb but I couldn't fight the compulsion. Sadness abounds. In any case, Radiohead never contended for the win and finished a middling 7th in the 13 horse field. On the bright side, this not so mighty emo steed surely hasn't the skills to qualify for a Triple Crown race, so I don't have to worry about foolishly screwing myself out of money in a few month's time.

---

In other news, Eric Mangini, head "coach" of the Cleveland Browns took stupidity and hubris to a new level today when he refused to announce whether Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn will be the one whose life comes to a sad, unfulfilled end at the hands of Ray Lewis next Monday night. According to reports, Mangini knows who he's going to choose but plans to make his QBs and, laughably, the Baltimore Ravens defense, sweat it out a little.

Ray Lewis should slap this bitch around just for having the nerve.

When you're the conductor of the biggest on-field trainwreck in the NFL, you have no right to be secretive or clever or coy. In fact, as a dead man walking, you have no rights. The only things on your mind should be:

• Finding ways to improve the team
  
• Making the final three months as painless as possible
  
• Showing NFL owners that you're a competent head coach in a bad situation

Mangini has struck out looking on all of the the above, but even worse is that he's arrogant (or delusional?) enough to think the Ravens will buy into his bullshit. What, like they'll develop two game plans? The Browns could start G-d and still lose by 30. Even G-d would tell ya that. What He'd also tell you and what the Ravens already know is that Brady Quinn will be under center on Monday night. Not because this QB selection process was like choosing between agony and despair and despair tasted a little better, but because throwing Quinn back in the mix at week 9 allows the Browns to boost his trade value without triggering $10.5M in performance incentives in his contract.

If I can figure that out, so can the rest of the league, Eric. It's not rocket science. I just wish I could go back in time and un-do that Radiohead bet, so I could throw 5 grand down on the Frowns to be torn limb from limb, set aflame in a funeral pyre and then sent out to sea.

I would have been the winner on that one. 

Irony Awards: Ron Artest Raps for Abused Women

When the Taliban was temporarily stifled in 2001, a more egalitarian notion of women's rights took hold in Afghanistan. Women could walk around without burqas; they could vote; they could even escape abusive marriages by seeking refuge in women's shelters. But having rights didn't protect them from abuse. According to non-governmental agencies, nearly 90% of Afghan women have experienced domestic abuse. Since Afghanistan is a patriarchal society trapped in the stone age, these stats are really no surprise. 

What is surprising, however, is that Ron Artest has come to their defense. Yes, that Ron Artest. The mercurial basketball player with the emotional stability of a bag of rats in a burning meth lab. Over the last few years, he's become known for strong defense and:

• ripping a phone out of press row
  
• smashing a $100,000 camera in a fit of rage
• drawing 8 suspensions between 2002 - 2004.
• starting a near riot in the Palace at Auburn Hills
• neglecting his animals
• abusing and confining his wife
• running up on Kobe Bryant in Lakers' locker room shower
  
• being generally violent and insane

Warning: Video contains uncomfortable and graphic images.

Too many of our athletes and celebrities sit idly on the sidelines even though they have platforms to affect change, so Artest deserves a lot of credit for what he's trying to do here. The problem, however, is his execution is a hot ass mess loaded to the gills with irony and awkward moments.

• Problem 1 - rapping about the horrors of domestic abuse while wearing a wife beater
• Problem 2 - rapping about the horrors of domestic abuse when he is, in fact, a convicted domestic abuser
• Problem 3 - using horribly misdirected lyrics, which give the impression that he wants to salve the wounds of abuse with his penis. NOT GOOD.
  
• "I wish I was there so you could feel me/run my fingers through your hair through your hair/caress your face to show you that I care"
• "Cupid open up the door. And if you do so, she will want more. If you want it, you know she got it stocked in store."
  
• Problem 4 - juxtaposing disturbing images of abused women with shots of him rapping serenely in a park
• Problem 5 - rapping with a flow that is as brutal as the subject matter
  

Another Teacher Exposed as Mental Defective

Remember those three days in school (if you went to a mostly white school, that is) when you covered slavery in the United States?

If you're having trouble recalling, think back to that one week in US History or Social Studies where the 2 black kids sat in awkward agony as the teacher recounted the details of slavery to them instead of the whole class, and the 30 white kids in the room stared at them with awkward, apologetic expressions. After the bell rang, a couple classmates that were truly overcome with white guilt would track them down in the hall after class and verbally apologize for how "their people" were treated before expressing how awful it makes them feel.

All of this inevitably occurred during Black History Month - the only time it was seemingly acceptable for anything other than Crispus Attucks to arise as a topic of discussion during school. [However, Mr. Attucks certainly popped up again during these 28 days.]

So I guess we should see it as progress that a Elaine Bernstein, a 7th grade social studies teacher from White Plains, NY, recently covered slavery before the calendar mandated. Trouble was, she tried to enliven the discussion (as if the subject needs it) by binding the hands and feet of two black girls with tape and then putting them under a desk... because.. you know.. the students needed to visualize what it was like to be an African captive on a slave ship. The only thing this tragic scene was missing was Ms. Bernstein's Act 2, where a white student comes up and helps act out a scene from Roots.

Sadly, a mother raised hell only to have the teacher and the school authorities completely miss the boat (no pun intended):

"We encourage our teachers to deliver the curriculum in a variety of ways, to go beyond just reading the textbook," said Superintendent Brian Monahan of the North Rockland School District in New York City's northern suburbs. "We don't want to discourage creativity. But this obviously went wrong because the student was upset."

In no other place than the bedroom is bondage creative and even there it's a bit old hat. But turning students into the gimp? Come on. Now you can argue that if she'd tied up white kids, there'd be no problem but the real issue here is that binding children of any color is a BAD IDEA. And being stupid enough to bind black kids during an already touchy discussion ought to result in you being taken to an alley and beaten with reeds. It's not like she didn't have other visualization options. How about measuring off the space slaves had on ships and try to fit the class into it? Is that not hands on enough?

I doubt the school will punish this woman for being a mental defective. So when her class reaches the Holocaust section of the book, I hope the school holds a convocation in the gym where Ms. Bernstein is stuffed in a covered Radio Flyer and wheeled to a gas chamber at faux Auschwitz. Hopefully, she won't get upset.

Massholes Petition Final Ticks of Super Bowl XLII

So check this out - a throng of Massholes Patriots fans have united in petition over the outcome of the Super Bowl. Unhappy with three Super Bowls and an undefeated season, these spoiled gits now "demand that the National Football League and Commissioner Roger Goodell review the last 1:40 minutes of the Super Bowl held February 3rd 2008. At 1:22 in the fourth quarter, after Jacobs attained a first down the clock was stopped." They then go on to list all of the rules of game time clock management, as if the NFL was unaware of how that all worked. After that comes the rationale that only a bitter rotter liquored up on Samuel Adams could provide:

"Nowhere in the above rules does it state that in the conditions of what was happening on the clock should be stopped. Also in addition to this six seconds were added to the game clock. Had this illegal clock stoppage not occurred there would have been 40 seconds less time on the clock, 46 seconds less if you consider the six seconds added on after the play. This means that after that play, if the clock was running the way it is supposed to by the rulebook, there would only be 42 seconds left on the clock. Furthermore if this was not enough on the subsequent play time was not taken off during the play followed by a random flashing of numbers on the clock.

What?

"The following drive took the Giants a total of 52 seconds on the game clock from the point that six seconds were added to the clock. However if the time was managed the way it was supposed to be there would have been no time left on the clock after Eli Manning was tackled at :50 seconds on the game clock. This irrefutable proof demands that Super Bowl XLII be reviewed from the point of the first illegal stoppage."

The petitioners then provide the commissioner ways in which he is permitted to respond - again - as if he does not know.

All in all, the petition has been signed by 24,611 people thus far... Brilliant, reputable chaps like Dave Rosenthal, who "can't believe this isn't a big story. I mean, we should be 19-0, but the NFL hates that Pats, so instead we have to go through this the rest of our lives knowing we got jipped." And others like "Number One Pats Fan," whose intelligence serves as a true beacon of light with, "Good job Giants, you cheated and won a SB. Try to win one on an even playing field. Also, why don't you try to win a game by more than 3 points once, then we'll talk."

But please understand, I don't say this out of bitterness forged from rivalries in other sports and situations. Victors are entitled to bump their gums for as long as they see fit. It's one of the perks of winning. But when you lose, gripe for a day or two and then shut the fuck up. It's as simple as that. Trust me, I know. I'm a Yankee fan that went to Notre Dame. From birth through three diplomas, I have been trained in the art of self-righteous, obnoxious, irrational fangirl-ery. Hell, my sense of entitlement alone is bigger than your house. But even I understand that when defeat comes - and it comes far too often these days - there's a grace period for sulking and then you need to admit defeat, shut your mouth and go home. And New England, that's where you are now. You haven't just cornered the market on post-season assholery, you've gone off the deep-end. It's time to recognize that the Patriots lost, not because of a clock snafu in the final minutes but because Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan had Tom Brady on his back more than Giselle and Bridget Moynihan combined. If he could have completed more than 3 passes in a row, maybe you wouldn't have lost by the skin of your teeth. But he couldn't and now the world has to spend another season being reminded that Mercury Morris is still alive.

So instead of wasting your time with this, maybe you ought to petition the Giants' speed rushing corps for turning Tom into a bitch. Better yet - why don't you put together a petition requesting an explanation for why Richard Seymour, Adalius Thomas, Jarvis Green and the entire secondary were all but holding their dicks while Eli Manning was pulling a Joe Montana with David Tyree?

Might be fruitful.

Red Sox Punt Tim McCarver Into Broadcaster Abyss

As you all know, the Boston Red Sox unceremoniously punted the Colorado Rockies into the mountains last night for their seventh World Series Championship. Unless you live a mile above sea level, this wasn't a surprising result. Sure, no one guessed that the Rockies would tighten up like a gnat's chuff, roll over and die but let's be real - the only question was how long this would last, not who would win. All the same, it was a nauseating result. But while kneeling in front of the toilet after watching the Sux celebrate, I realized that there is a silver lining to this quick result: 6 months without Tim McCarver!

That's right - no Tim McCarver "analysis," no "Tim McCarver Show," no Tim McCarver anything. Just sweet  silence. And for that, I want to express my undying gratitude to the Boston Red Sox. By all but raping the Rockies in record time, they have ushered this addlepated baboon into the broadcaster abyss until March 30. Sure, Screamin' A. Smith and a legion of jackass basketball personalities stand to infect the airwaves in only a matter of days, but a season of that isn't nearly as painful as three more games with Tim McCarver.

As such, I leave you with a few parting remarks of Game 4 idiocy from the only man that can make the ears of a nation bleed (all comments provided in context):

On Manny Ramirez and aerodynamics while he's at the plate in the 3rd....
Joe Buck (JB): Last night doing what he has done throughout the post season and throughout the season... with the dreadlocks, running the bases, last night kicking his helmet back into foul territory and last night tagged out at the plate on a throw from Matt Holliday in left (long pause) but that's part of his action around the bases.
Tim McCarver (TM): It certainly does not make you faster.
JB: With two outs, there's a strike on the outside corner.
TM: If that were the case, you'd be seeing marathon runners wearing helmets... hundred yard dash guys wearing helmets.

It's as if McCarver believes Ramirez is wearing the helmet for speed. It's not a fucking jetpack, you daft bastard. You don't throw it off and get a boost! Amazingly, this continues:

JB: Well, last night was the first time we've seen it in the post-season where he pushed it off and it came back and hit him in the heel.
TM: First time we've seen it hit him on the heel... RIGHT.

Yes, Tim. That is right. Don't act like you're combing through your memory banks to check Joe's facts. We all know you've got the short term retention ability of Leonard Shelby. As ironic proof of this, McCarver re-tells the story of Manny's base-running/hat issues in the bottom of the 6th, as if the previous conversation never occurred. Joe Buck, as usual, responded with silence.

On Hank Aaron during the recap of Prince Fielder receiving the Hank Aaron Award...
TM: If there was anybody in baseball history with a more appropriate nickname, HAMMER (McCarver's emphasis), could he ever "hammer."
TM: You could take those 755 homeruns away and he'd still have 3,000 hits 

Pitcher Aaron Cook bats for the Rockies in the bottom of the 5th...
TM: I know Aaron Cook is a good hitter, but I don't think he can hit right here. The Rockies have 14 outs with which to score at least 2 runs. That's provided they hold the Red Sox down.
*Cook bunts*
JB: He pushes a bunt past the pitcher and has a base hit! That's the first time that a Rocky hitter has pushed a bunt to the right side, and once it got past Lester, it was a base hit.
TM: But he wasn't up there hitting, he was up there bunting! 

No, that's not a typo. During the commercial break, McCarver thinks up a way to redeem himself and drops this nonsense in the top of the 6th:

TM (confused): With Ortiz coming up, why didn't the manager have someone pinch hit for Cook last inning? I mean, Cook got a bunt hit, yeah, but you're taking the chance that he won't and there's an out! I'm just talking probabilities of getting a man on base here. You gotta pinch hit!

Oh really? Maybe that's why you're in the booth with Mr. Slamalamadingdong and not managing in the World Series, Tim. But I suppose it could be worse. You could be Dayn Perry of Foxsports.com, who suffered a case of Rocky Mountain hacking (click to enlarge):

In any case, thank you, Boston. Thank you for ripping off the proverbial bandaid as quickly as possible. I don't think I could have stomached much more... too bad you can't do anything about Dane Cook as well, but I suppose he's one of yours, isn't he? That just about figures.

Rudolph Giuliani Is a Traitor, Fraud and Whore

Rudolph Giuliani is dead to me.

In an attempt to curry favor with voters in New Hampshire, that poll-riding hooker switched allegiance from the New York Yankees to the Boston Red Sox.

"I'm rooting for the Red Sox," the Republican presidential contender Tuesday told a Boston audience, just a few T stops from Fenway Park. "I'm an American League fan, and I go with the American League team, maybe with the exception of the Mets. Maybe that would be the one time I wouldn't because I'm loyal to New York."

Loyal to New York? The only things Rudy Giuliani is only loyal to is his career and, given the amount of wives and mistresses he's had, his penis. Mets support? Please. And that American League argument is even worse. The league line is reserved for the half-hearted and the bandwagon-jumpers. It's not for people that claim undying loyalty for sides steeped in history, pride and tradition. The fact that Giuliani is using it is not only foul and fraudulent but also completely insulting.

I can't even begin to fathom how Giuliani has the audacity to think something like this would ever be acceptable. Duke fans don't throw on Carolina blue when North Carolina is contending for national championships. Manchester United supporters don't sport kits of The Mighty Arsenal when we're riding high in the Champions. Why would anyone ever logically believe that a supposed diehard New York Yankees fan would switch allegiances because of league affiliation?!

Real Yankees and Red Sox fans would rather throw themselves off a bridge before rooting for their rival in ANY situation. It could be Red Sox vs. The Antichrist and I'd be on the sidewalk rocking the sign of the beast and talking smack about how eternal hellfire and damnation rules the school. But not Giuliani. That rat-faced cunt sold us out for an election and what's worse is it's not even the main one! It's a fucking primary!

"Somehow it makes me feel better if the team that was ahead of the Yankees wins the World Series," he told a group of mostly local reporters in explaining his sudden backing of the Red Sox, "because then I feel like, well, we're not that bad."

Later, at a town hall meeting in Lebanon, N.H., Giuliani yukked it up with a couple of audience members who were wearing Sox caps. "If I keep looking at that hat, I may start crying," he said to chuckles, before adding, "Good luck to the Red Sox!"

All this proves is that Mayor 9/11 was never a real Yankees fan in the first place and for that, he should never show his face in the Bronx again. Frankly, I think he may need to stay out of New York City altogether. For years, Yankee Stadium has been Giuliani Propoganda Stadium, throwing him on the jumbotron more than the score. He's on before, during and after the game. He has pre-recorded "Go Yankees!" video clips and his traitorous cunt face is all over the place during "God Bless America." Rudy Giuliani needs to transfer his headquarters to Massachusetts, as he should not be permitted to further insult and taint the City of New York with his cowardly suck.

Before I go break something, here's what I would like to know - how can anyone trust him now? Sure, he's a politician, which makes him a weasel by default, but if he is so sackless and weak that he cowers on his knees at the feet of Red Sux Nation, how is he going to stand up to Iran? Two years from now, we'll turn around and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be dropping bombs on Israel while Giuliani waits on the sidelines to give him a rimmer.

As far as I'm concerned, Hizzoner can eat a dick. But that'll be no trouble for him, as I'm sure they're offering plenty of it with a side of chowda on Yawkey Way.

Chris Rix Threatened Me With a Federal Subpoena (and Prayer)

A little more than a year ago, I wrote a post titled "Chris Rix Takes Irony to the Next Level." A copy of that post ran on BlogCritics Sports the following day. You see, I had stumbled upon a website for the Champion Training Academy, operated by former Florida State disaster quarterback Chris Rix.

Anyone that follows college football remembers the absolute calamity that was his time as a Seminole both on and off the field. The irony of this Academy was simply amazing to me, so I took a few moments out of my evening to make light of the fact that someone widely remembered as a screw-up and team disappointment was attempting to mold young quarterbacks into champions and, most astonishingly, leaders.

Chris Rix was an amazing athlete coming out of Santa Margarita High School, and, clearly, he possessed a good deal of natural talent. But that's what it takes to play Division I football, and, particularly, start 4 years at Florida State. At least, it used to. But unless you're one of his loved ones, it's fair to say that natural talent notwithstanding, you know that his career was a comedy of errors. Sure, he could throw an 80 yard touchdown but leadership? Unless you call missing the Sugar Bowl because you slept through your finals "leadership," I don't think so.

So a week after my post appeared on BlogCritics I received a patronizing e-mail with the subject line "no hard feelings" from one Chris Rix. I shared it with a few friends for laughs but it didn't go any further. It seemed like a complete waste of time. But thanks to today's events, that e-mail is coming out for you all to enjoy (I particularly liked the randomly erroneous use of quotation marks). Click to enlarge:

Now, what I wanted to say here was that the only people that he should be praying for are the parents too foolish to realize that they're throwing their money away. Signing your kid up for leadership training with Chris Rix makes as much as sense as sending him to Ryan Leaf for mental toughness training.

But I refused to get into an email war with a guy that uses quotations around words to insinuate that they aren't actually real. Look Chris, putting quotes around the word "mistakes" doesn't erase your laundry list of screw ups at Florida State University.

In any case, all was quiet for 14 months and then this afternoon, I received this:

...

So not only did he lie about that "no hard feelings" business, but Rix has also proven that it really is too hard to focus on the positive. That must've been a sobering realization. Maybe he needs some prayer. That wouldn't be patronizing to offer that, would it? Nah. But you know something, I can't say I blame Rix for getting upset with me. When you've always been told that you're great and believe it because you blocked out four seasons of memories in Tallahasee, it's only natural to develop a sense of entitlement that enables you to threaten to sue people because they have the audacity to disagree with your opinion of your career. But I'm sorry to say that this is not how the world works. Maybe it did in Iraq circa 2002 when Rix was dropping yet another game to Miami, but not in America. The same America that allows him to teach leadership skills to children after failing miserably at it for so long, also grants me the right to share whatever opinion I please.

And in my opinion, the only person that ought to receive a lawsuit threat in this situation is Chris Rix for teaching things he's never demonstrated an ability to do. That said, if parents are stupid enough to pay... but I digress.

So I laughed at him in a public forum? What, like I'm the first? The things said in my post pale in comparison to the vitriol (both fair and unfair) spewed about him both in print and the internet from 2001 - 2005. Are federal subpoenas en route to all of the other message boards, web sites and blogs out there? While it's pretty clear that Rix doesn't know how a subpoena works or what it actually is, maybe they're also receiving threatening e-mails full of tough talk, bold font and capital letters as I type. I know "IMMEDIATELY" sure scared me into submission. Then again, maybe Rix wields the authority of the federal government to dispense justice. If so, I must have missed that memo but please allow me to throw out a "my bad" if that's the case.

Now, if my posts contained libel, I'd understand his threat. But I didn't make up lies about Rix or Champion Training Academy. I simply questioned the qualifications of Rix, who, as a primary instructor, claims to teach young quarterbacks qualities that - in my opinion - he never mastered. If Jim Kelly wrote a book titled "Winning the Super Bowl," or Michelle Wie ran an academy called "Making the Cut on the PGA Tour," I'd be within my rights to say, "Hey Jim? Uh, Michelle? Excuse me, but you know nothing about that."

I know this is all pretty painful Chris, but that's how life goes. But I suppose if you don't like it, you can get a Delorean and have a go at a career do-over, thus changing all of these posts into praise for your work at leadership camp. But since I don't think Doc Brown will be rolling up to your house any time soon, you might want to grow thicker skin and get over yourself. I am not the first person to mock the fact that you're running a leadership academy nor will I be the last - especially not now.

Like I said before - If you want to run a camp, fine. You were/are an exceptionally talented quarterback who clearly didn't become the player you were supposed to be; I'm sure you have a lot of knowledge to impart to the youngins. But when you spend a career disregarding four of your own rules for being a champion quarterback, it is in my opinion that you forfeit the right to impart said "wisdom" on children who think you're putting them on the fast track to the next level.

But who knows? Maybe some good can come of this little ordeal between you and I, Chris. After this attempt at intimidation goes nowhere, maybe you can start up another training academy called, "How to Successfully Sue People with Opinions Based on Valid Observations."

Why Isn't Hardaway In Rehab Yet?

I was wondering if you could help me understand something -- what is the point of the celebrity apology? It's not remotely valid and most people dismiss it as such but we still demand it. Why? After a person exposes him or herself as an ignorant bigot, there is no stuffing the cat back in the bag. Does the apology make us feel better? Is there proof that it actually improves a situation? Is someone out there actually learning a lesson beyond "I'd better not tell people what I really think!"

We've been bombarded by the news and resulting outrage of Tim Hardaway's arbitrary bigotry and intolerance since late Wednesday night. He hates homosexuals. He hates the idea of them. Not only does he want them kept far away from himself and his team, but he also thinks they shouldn't be in the world OR the United States.

That's a pretty ironic stance for a bloke named Hardaway with crossover "skeels" that spent six years in the Bay Area before choosing to live every year since in South Beach... a homophobe deciding on the gay capitals of America as the best places to live and work makes about as much sense as a neo-Nazi seeking out the good life in Skokie, Illinois... Judging by the looks of his wife, you really couldn't blame him... but moving on...

A few hours after his interview with Dan LeBetard, Hardaway dropped this non-apology/diversion attempt on a radio station:

"Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people, or anything like that. That was my mistake... There are more important things to worry about than my comments. We should be more concerned about President (George) Bush and all the people dying in Iraq."

So over the course of maybe four hours, Hardaway admits to being a homophobic cunt and then reinforces his comments by essentially saying, "I still hate the gays but I kinda regret telling everybody... but... uh... George Bush! *runs away*" While that really ought to be enough (he couldn't be in a deeper hole), people were still asking for an apology. For what purpose? He was honest about being a rotten, vile fuck and now we want him to take it back as if that will help cushion the blow. Enter the agent, stepping in 18 hours later to give Timmy a sudden moment of clarity -- a moment of impressively articulate clarity:

"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause. I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feelings and reactions. I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago. I am committed to examining my feelings and will recognize, appreciate and respect the differences among people in our society. I regret any embarrassment I have caused the league on the eve of one of their greatest annual events."

Who is buying into that garbage? Listen to the guy -- he's not articulate enough to order a fucking pizza without a cheat sheet and yet here he is a day later talking about knowing "all too well the negative thoughts" and examining feelings. Tim Hardaway can't spell bigotry let alone use it in a grammatically correct sentence but there are mental defectives out there saying, "I knew Timmy Hardaway was a good guy! I knew he didn't mean it. He's a stand-up guy apologizing like that!" To make matters worse, there are others commenting about how "that's a good place to start."
 
Where are these people and why can't we shoot them?

He is not a stand up guy and there is no good place to start. Tim Hardaway is an unapologetic bigot with an agent trying to run damage control. He's not sorry he feels that way; he's sorry he ran his mouth in front of an on-air ESPN personality. What does it help to hear/read his words of regret (as penned by one of the interns working for his agent)? And if it doesn't help, why issue an apology at all? It's not as if "well it's the nice thing to do" really applies at this point... I just don't get it.

Michael Richards Needs a Beatdown by Street Toughs

WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS PROFANE AND RACIAL

*This TMZ headline is the only amusing thing about this situation.*

So now that Michael Richards has joined Mel Gibson's Racist Tirade Army, expect the following to transpire over the next 24 hours:

• Friend(s) of all races, colors, and creeds claim Kramer is not a racist, as this behavior is "totally out of character for him."
  
• Does this guy have friends? Jackie Chiles certainly won't step to the plate. This was "deplorable, unfathomable, improbable!"
  

• Self-righteous apology that features an admission to some form of chemical dependency.
  
• I'm really hoping he was battling the demons by staying hopped up on meth and pills; alcohol is so played out.
  

• Rehab at an undisclosed location
• This is code for "stay in bed, shutter the windows, and watch Maury." Two thumbs down. Racists should be forced to do their "rehab" by doing community service in the neighborhoods of the people they've offended. This can include neighborhood cleanup and passing around pamphlets informing people about the ills of bigotry. I also suggest they wear a sign much like Bruce Willis did in Die Hard With a Vengeance. If you don't know what I'm talking about - rent it. Samuel L is outstanding.
  

• Endless chatter that Seinfeld is ruined
• Seinfeld is my favorite of favorites. Finding out that Cosmo Kramer is a batshit racist is like discovering that my boyfriend likes to pee on my dog when I'm not looking... I don't know what kind of analogy that is, so maybe I should just move on.
  

What happened at the Laugh Factory was as sad as it was disgusting. But with all the time spent on Richards' comments, why is the crowd getting a free pass?

He should have been confronted (physically or otherwise) after saying, "Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass."

But instead, most of the crowd laughed. And though many grew upset and began to walk out, is that really enough? I know it's easy to be indignant after the fact but am I the only one who thinks their lack of action (and continued laughter, nervous and otherwise) was a problem?

*Update: I just watched Michael Richards' apology on Letterman. He didn't fully take accountability but he didn't mention alcohol, drugs, demons, and rehab. For that, I can applaud. But for the rest, it was sorry stuff from a racist fuck who needs a few people with steel toed boots to dispense some justice on his beatdown face.

Crikey! Stingray Kills Crocodile Hunter!

So how's this for random and tragic? Steve Irwin, known worldwide as The Crocodile Hunter, is dead, the victim of a stingray barb to the chest while filming a documentary off the coast of Australia.

Yeah, that's right - a stingray. Not a crocodile or a snake or even Albert, the Florida Gator. A bloody stingray.

According to marine biologists, stingrays are typically non-aggressive animals that are only dangerous if provoked, making it "quite rare" for anyone to die from contact. Most stingray attacks occur when people step on them and even then, the injuries are minor.

Sadly for Irwin and his family, he suffered a puncture wound to the left side of his heart rather than the foot or leg; the location of the wound likely resulted in a fatal heart attack. Though an emergency Queensland Rescue helicopter crew, including a doctor and paramedic, was flown in to revive him, Irwin was dead before they arrived.

Now, I never thought Irwin would live to appreciate the benefits of AARP, as there are only so many times you can tempt fate when dealing with wild animals and his so-called "hands-on" approach often bordered on the reckless... or insane. But I sure didn't think he'd go down to a ridiculous creature on a one in a million shot to the chest. It just seems so silly and bizarre.

Having said that, it's sad to see his life cut short. Irwin was an enthusiastic, entertaining bloke who did wonders for the animal kingdom and he'll be sorely missed. As Justin Timberlake once eloquently noted, "He's like Dr Dolittle, for real. He knows what those crocodiles are thinking."

Too bad he didn't know what the stingrays were thinking. 

Contestant Takes Valuable Years Off Bob Barker's Life

Has a dumber contestant ever appeared on the Price is Right? I submit that there has not. The video is long but well worth your time, as Bob Barker has never come closer to stroking out than he does in the final moments of this video... he was about 30 seconds away from joining Dick Clark.

Ya know... It's things like this that reinforce my belief that there is no justice in this world.

I'm A Mental Defective

So we were drinking it up while watching the Sunday shows last night - 4400, Dead Zone, and Peter Brady Marries a Crazy Ho - when there was a random commercial break and I got the great idea to see what this Movable Type upgrade was all about. I was warned that messing with a blog database while juiced up on vodka, rum, and various sodas was a bad idea but I was sure that I had the smarts to handle the situation.

I was wrong. Very, very, very wrong.

If you happened upon this site between, oh.. 0100 and 0630, you saw just how wrong I was. The good thing is I sobered up and am on the track to recovery (blogwise). Though my administrative interface looks like the stone age, I'm pretty sure the parts that matter (the pages that you can see) are back in working order... If you spot any dead links or abnormal happenings, please shoot me an IM or email.

Thanks,
Flash - Your Resident Alkie Jackass

In the Land of the Blind, the One-Eyed Man is King

At least 42 million times during the fall, the Midwestern college football fan will ask, shout, scream, and ponder the following (expletives not included): are BigTen refs half-blind or just stupid.

Well wouldn't ya know it, the Big Integer employed a referee that is literally half-blind. Whether he is stupid or not is up for debate.

Let me preface this by saying that the conference should be commended for hiring a man whose eyes were in working order nearly 13 years ago. I have to assume an eye exam was apart of the interview process and all employed referees pass with flying colors. Having said that, I wish I had four arms so I could give four hearty thumbs down to the Big 10 for lack of institutional control (I know that phrase, too, NCAA!).

You see, In the spring of 2000, referee James Filson lost his eye when it "ran into" the corner of a table. Rather than be a man of integrity and do the honorable thing, Filson opted against telling his bosses about his injury. Instead, he kept things on the low and went back to work as if nothing was wrong. Now, this type of move isn't so dishonorable if you're, say, a lawyer or a plumber or Sammy fucking Davis. But when you have a job where the quality of vision and your brain's ability to analyze and interpret what is seen is of paramount importance, you just don't say, "Bah! Two eyes are for chumps!" and brush it off! There are things to consider - depth perception, peripheral vision, ability to focus. If you're a born cyclops, maybe these aren't issues of importance but in the world of non-mutant humanity, the loss of an eye is a pretty big deal! Or maybe not.

In Filson's 5 years as the pirate ref, he officiated two Bowl games and his reviews were, "on average, substantially better than the reviews he received in the eight years preceeding the loss of his eye." But it made no difference once Lllllllllllllloyd Carr got wind of Filson's "disability." He advised the Big Ten Commissioner and soon after, Filson had a pink slip due to his lack of "full field vision" and failure to "to fulfill the minimum physical requirements." Like most people these days, Filson is a litigious soul and is suing to get his job back, as well as back pay and unspecified damages.

Only in the Big Ten can a referee lose an eye, see an improvement in his on the job reviews, and then get the boot. I wish I could be on the jury for this one to laugh at the BigTen and their arguments. As far as I'm concerned, it is they who should be fired for employing a referee with a glass eye for nearly six years and not noticing. Fucking wankers.

Fan For Hire: Exercise in Douchebaggery

So there's some dufus with a website called "Fan for Hire." He starts out with all this talk about what a diehard fan he is:

"Ok, I am a diehard Cardinals fan. I've been to spring training, had season tickets for 2005, was there when Big Mac hit 62 against the Cubs (hey, it was amazing at the time) and even had a ticket to game 4 of the World Series when my birds lost to the BoSox. Now, because of that, I pretty much hate the Cubs. I hate them with a passion. It's the whole rivalry thing it makes me act irrationally. Whenever I see a Cub fan walk by, I feel the urge to yell "Cubs SUCK!!" in fact, most times I do. Steve Bartman is my hero. 1908 is one of my favorite years. Get the picture?"

Yeah, I get the picture - that describes a REAL fan, not this bleeding rotter. According to this guy, every fan has his price. And his is $10,000 per game. For the cost of a Kia, he's willing to transfer his St. Louis Cardinals allegiance to the Chicago Cubs every time these legendary clubs square off. The $10K will I will buy him a "ticket (if needed), jersey, hat, and of course the price of suffering for three plus hours and knowing that I had rooted for the Cubs." Since a round trip ticket for a 1-hour flight to Chicago probably runs for less than $200, this makes the price of "suffering" about $9500. Now, I would think that not only would Cubs fans be insulted but Cards fans would want to boot him out of the club... but nope... not if you ask Captain D-bag! He figures that not only will Cubbie fans actually want a Cards guy on their side to help break the curse (the Cards haven't won a series since 1982 - I bet his luck is really gonna turn the tide) but STL fans will also join in so they can get "a kick out of making a fellow Cards fan root for the so called "Loveable Losers."

Ya know, as much as I wish this guy were a Raiders fan so I'd have reason to pull out my shank and give him right treatment, maybe I should find a way to put up 10 grand. It'd be worth it to have his Chicago-bound plane rerouted to Gary, Indiana in order to dump him off in the center of the ghetto. We could set it up like the movie Running Man and see how far fanboy can make it before somebody kicks out his teeth and trades them for crack.

Reports False - Young Pounds Out a 16

Feel that breeze? It's the sigh of relief collectively being exhaled by Vince Young, Vince's agent, Mack Brown, UT, UT fans, the New Orleans Saints, the Tennessee Titans, and anyone else interested in Vince Young's skills and marketability... brace yourself for it... the rumors have been proven false, as its been revealed that Young's previous Wonderlic exam was incorrectly scored. Luckily for the Young camp, he pounded out a 16 on the retake, which erases the functionally retarded score of 6. I don't like anything related to UT or its putrid fans but Young seems like a good kid, so hurrah - that's good news.

Houston Chronicle
Indianapolis Star
Foxsports

Vince Young Possibly Scored SIX on The Wonderlic

That's right - the savior of Texas Football may not have managed his jersey number. Even Forrest Gump could've pooped out a Jeff Georgian 10 if that Army recruiter hadn't snagged him for Vietnam first. For the uninformed, the Wonderlic is a 12-minute, 50-question test that is written at a 6th grade reading level and is used by many corporations, as well as the NFL, as a makeshift IQ test. The average score for incoming NFL rookies is 19 (1 in 100,000 get a perfect 50), and if these rumors are correct, Vince Young has the lowest recorded score for a quarterback of all time... what about Terry Bradshaw, you ask? Sorry, the NFL has only been using the Wonderlic for 25 years.

Anyone who follows recruiting knows that Young didn't score much higher than dullard when he left high school but in the fall of 2002, he managed to be named to UT’s Athletics Director’s Academic Honor Roll. I'm now getting the feeling that UT's definition of "Academic" differs a bit from the accepted meaning... either that, or the FBI needs to head down to Austin for an investigation into their academic integrity - this is a government caliber cover-up and we all know we can't trust the NCAA to have the stones to figure it out.

But still assuming he really did score a six, how will he handle the complexities of an NFL playbook?  At UT, the playbook had one page and it looked like this:

1. Hike to Vince
2. Wait to see what Vince does
3. React

And while that type of playbook might work for the Falcons, it's not quite the NFL way. So what late first round team will splash millions on Young and the guy that took all his tests and wrote all of his papers? What, you don't think that guy needs to be on the payroll? Without him, Young has project written all over him. He throws like Uncle Rico and must adjust to playing UNDER center instead of 5 yards behind it. They'd better draft his illegal test taker in the following round so the guy can convert the playbook into into paint-by-numbers pictures. Otherwise, it won't be three years before Young will need to petition Michael Huff for a job at his new IHOP.

If you'd like to see what Vince and the boys were up against, ESPN has 15 sample Wonderlic questions for your egotistical enjoyment. Good luck.

 
*This story is running on the Rumor Mill at ProFootballTalk.com, so take it for what it's worth.*

No Cheese on my Sausage McMuffin, Mr. Vick

Trouble With Your Man? Use Dickie V!

Message to Paul Hornung

Michael Irvin & Pookie: Kindred Spirits

Wesley Snipes is Nino Brown, a Harlem hustler and drug dealer who seizes upon the crack boom of the mid-'80s that overran the country and New York City in particular. Along with Gee Money (Allen Payne), the stuttering muscle, Duh Duh Duh Man (Bill Nunn), the homicidal Keisha (Vanessa Williams), and the rest of his gang (CMB - Cash Money Brothers), Nino fashions a crime empire a la Scarface and revolutionizes the way crack is bought and sold. Charged with stopping Nino and his crew is Detective Stone (Mario Van Peebles), who recruits maverick cop, Scotty Appleton (Ice-T) and the equally crazy Det. Nick Peretti (Judd Nelson). Appleton enlists Pookie (a young Chris Rock), a crackhead he formerly busted in a drug sting. Pookie goes undercover in Nino’s organization and gets the cops further inside Nino’s world than they had managed to get before. But it’s not long before the pressure gets to Pookie and he’s back to suckin on his glass dick. This eventually proves to be his downfall. More occurs but it's not relevant.

An Ode to a Gangbang

A group calling itself the 7th Floor Crew -- the name reportedly comes from the seventh floor of the Mahoney Residential College, campus housing at Miami -- made a recording referencing multiple acts of group sex, derogatory terms for women and minorities and dozens of curse words that lasts approximately 9 minutes. School officials say the song was recorded two years ago, but that seems to offer little solace." - Pat Forde, ESPN

If your ho the one gettin' fucked on the 7th flo'
Then you would know, cuz the bitch don't want you no mo'
She'd tell you she met a guy who was nice and candid
I think they call him T-Good, or the "big dick bandit"
Say he had a big dick, but I thought it was random
Then he pull out the fuckin' Magnum trojan condom
And he said, "Baby, that's not how it begin,"
Then he brought in all of his 7th flo' friends
She found out there was more to Miami than just a football team
There's also the 7th floor King Ding-a-Ling
She thought 5-2 was just my number, then she realized
You multiply the bitch up, then you get my dick size
First I put it in the pussy, then in the butt
That's all full, dog, the condom is filled up
---------------------------------
We the boys from that Penthouse suite, slangin' that dick
If you ain't 'bout the train, then fuck you, bitch
Cuz my boys gotta hit, too
Bend over and get tattooed by the boys from the 7th floor crew
You came a good girl, but you leavin' a ho
You wonder why they call me Thundercat, but now you know
If the pussy's nice and wet, you can believe I'mma fuck it
Oh, that's it, baby... suck it, suck it.
---------------------------------
Chillin' on the 7th flo', I gotta let these chickens know
Big Greg is in the house, and I'm fittin' to make these hoes choke
On my balls, on my dick, then I bust a nut, quick
On her face, on her chest, stick my dick between her breasts
Come on, fellas, let's get weird, stick ya dick up in her ear
While I'm laughin' at these guys, a second nut all in her eyes

Tim McCarver Must Die

Since the baseball playoffs are rolling, it'd be a shame not to share this gem with those of you who suffer through the inane blathering of Fox's chief baboon, Tim McCarver. I present to you, Tim McCarver Must Die.

Survivor: America's Worst Sports Announcers

All my complaining about Joe Morgan got me thinking - if he was in a room with other dimbulb announcers like Bill Walton and John Madden, who would come out alive? Would they bond over their non-abilities? Would the clash of egos lead to violence? I've never watched an episode of Survivor but it wasn't long before I thought of a great, new concept for them.

Why not put the worst announcers in American sports on a faraway Island of Dr. Moreau-type location, give them announcing-related tasks to do at the tops of live volcanos, waterfalls, alligator pits, and mangled suspension bridges, and see who survives?

For twelve weeks, these zany tasks will result in a different announcer being shuffled loose the mortal coil. But how to get them to participate in such death games? We'll lure them to the island under the presumption that we're looking for the best sportscaster. They'll jump at the opportunity under the belief that there's a $5M prize, daily exposure on ESPN, ESPN.com, and ABCSports, turducken, their own video game franchise, and, of course, the title of America's best.

One would have to assume that when they arrive and see the competition, there will be cause for suspicion but the better judgment of our contestants will be clouded by their egos and stupidity. The winner of the competition will have to go on national tv, apologize for years of ineptitude, and then (after an airing of grievances by millions of fans around the world) submit to a punishment of the viewers' choice.

What, is that harsh?

Well maybe these wankers should've thought about that before spending decades drunk and sucking ass while the in-game sports experiences are ruined for millions of fans week in and week out. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we deserve some justice?! Don't we need a feel-good program that makes up for all the years that these tossers have been making our ears bleed?

With my host Keith Jackson [who will scream "Whoa, Nellie!" as contestants fall to their deaths/are eaten/drown], I present to you the contestants for Survivor: America's Worst Sports Announcers.

Call me, CBS. I think I've got a winner.

--------


Original Comments

Dadgummit, Adrian, That's the Wrong Ass!

Warren Sapp Sends Kris Jenkins To Abyss

The low point came after the Panthers’ Nov. 7 loss to the Oakland Raiders, when Jenkins was forced to watch Warren Sapp, a player he dislikes intensely, celebrate on Carolina’s field. “When we played Oakland and we lost to Sapp, I stopped going to the games then,” Jenkins said Thursday. “I was going to the games up to that point. I couldn’t go to the games anymore. After that, that’s when … I’ve never been an alcoholic, but I upped my consistency of it.

“He talks too much, he doesn’t make sense, he’s fat, he’s sloppy, he acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. He’s ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too."

Glazer Buys Manchester United, UK to Riot Soon

Glazer will borrow £540m to complete the deal, £265m of which will be attached to Manchester United's assets.

Kellen Winslow, Jr. Assaulted by Curb

CLEVELAND (Sept. 20, 2004) -- Kellen Winslow Jr. broke his right leg during the Cleveland Browns' loss against Dallas and is expected to miss a major portion of his rookie season. The Browns said the tight end has a broken fibula. Typically, the injury will sideline a player for 6-to-8 weeks.

WESTLAKE, Ohio (May 2, 2005) -- Browns tight end Kellen Winslow sustained internal injuries when he was thrown from a motorcycle, the team said. Winslow, who missed most of last season with a broken right leg, also has swelling in his right shoulder and right knee. The extent of those injuries won't be known until further tests are performed and the swelling subsides. The Browns didn't provide details of Winslow's internal injuries, but said they are not life-threatening. Winslow had complained of chest pains after he was injured May 1. Winslow is being treated at the Cleveland Clinic by the team's medical staff, Browns spokesman Bill Bonsiewicz said. He will be hospitalized overnight and there is no timetable for his release, the team said.

The 21-year-old Winslow was wearing a helmet, but it wasn't strapped on and flew off his head... He landed in a landscaped area at the edge of the parking lot, falling hard enough to tear out a small tree... He was testing the bike out learning to ride.

Lord of the Idiots

(After telling his wife to leave their home near Boston and go back to Orlando, wifey came back against his wishes): I told her, "There's no reason for you to be here' ... Just to push her buttons I added, "I was with three more girls while you were gone."

"If you're good-looking and a ballplayer, girls want a piece of you [Look at the big brain on Johnny!]. For the rest of the (2002) season, I met some women, some good, some bad. I had some one-nighters that I had never gotten to experience before. It was fun. I ended up having to carry around a separate cell phone for the women to call me. I didn't want them to have my main number because my phone would have been ringing off the hook and it just got tiring."

After I broke it off with one woman, she told me, 'I don't mind if you see other girls, too.' Most women weren't so flexible. [Oh that's a shame!] I remember one who was clearly a one-night stand who'd call me up and tell me she'd told all her friends we were dating ... One other time, I was propositioned by two girls at once, but I passed. Two girls might be able to handcuff me and kill me. [You don't kill the cashcow, Johnny] Mostly, they just want more of your life than you can give them. I'm sure some of them wanted to get pregnant."

“I wanted to live, have fun, not pick out furniture.”

I think I found the right girl. She captured everything about me— - my eyes and my heart. I think I've found a winner.

Foghorn Rocker

On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids."

On New York City itself: "The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"

"I took all of this in and I asked myself: Does he deserve another chance?" Boulton said. "I'm a Catholic. I went to Villanova. I was watching all those people lining up this week to see the Pope and I wondered, 'What would the Pope do?' He would give him another chance.