There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Dennis Rodman Is A Classy Broad

Here's Dennis Rodman being a hot tranny mess at his "Rodmania" Halloween Party last night.

One would think that at age 46, Dennis would know that the whole point of Halloween is to wear a costume that is creative, funny, shocking, outrageous, or, if you're me and any other woman under 30, strongly indicates that you're suffering from a severe case of the sluts. Rolling up to your own party in your regular get-up and Tina Turner's hair from Mad Max is NOT a costume.

Come on, Dennis. It's time to raise your game and give us something new. You didn't even get your nails done! This tired shit is so 1998. Two thumbs down on this non-effort.

Here are some other gems:

HT: Dlisted 

New Yorkers: Get Half-Priced Knicks Tickets

Who's down?

Look, I know the New York Knicks play like stir-fried shit 9 times out of ten but how would you like the opportunity to boo Isiah Thomas, Starbury, AND Stevie Franchise for less stress and money than it costs to listen to your significant other babble about inanities over dinner? I'm sure you've heard the stories about the crazy bitch from her job that's trying to destroy her one too many times now. It's time to change things up a bit.

I've been alerted to a promotion offering tickets at MSG for half off. These aren't Spike Lee's seats, mind you, but if you're normally in the market for $66.50 or $44.50 seats, then check out this promotion... it starts tonight when the Knickerbockers take on the Seattle Supersonics.

Promotion Schedule
3/6 vs. Seattle Supersonics
3/16 vs. New Orleans / Oklahoma City Hornets
3/22 vs. Portland TrailBlazers
3/26 vs. Orlando Magic
4/4 vs. Philadelphia 76ers

Go to the ticket/schedule page - http://www.nba.com/knicks/schedule/ - and enter promo code MARBURY (all caps, just like he would like it) to score a cheap night at MSG. And if you can't rationalize the expense (or the time waste), then keep thinking "fifty percent off" to yourself until you magically see the light. If necessary, throw "and delicious nachos" in there as well... that always does the trick for me.

The Admiral Drops Knowledge on The History Channel

I've been laying here watching the History Channel for the better part of three hours... why? Because the History Channel is the balls. That's why.

When they followed "Nixon - A Presidency Revealed" with Modern Marvels I expected something about bridges or rivets, but the subject was George Washington Carver Tech. It sounded interesting enough. I knew little of Carver beyond what I learned in school and often read that it's difficult to tell where the truth of his life's achievements ended and the myth began, so I perked up a little. 

Ten or fifteen minutes in, a familiar face appeared on the screen -- David Robinson. Momentarily confused, I checked to make sure I hadn't changed the channel. Nope - still on channel 40. This must be a commercial then; what is The Admiral endorsing that is fit for the geek documentary crowd? Well, oops. That wasn't the case either. Credited simply as "David Robinson, NBA Star," The Admiral joined historians, botanists, and scholars as an expert on George Washington Carver.

I'll be honest with you, I didn't see that one coming.

Robinson spoke with passion about Carver's life, legacy, and accomplishments and appeared to have such a ridiculous breadth of knowledge that I started to wonder if the History Channel really needed to interview anyone else. I then figured that they added the historians to shield attention away from the fact that viewers were getting punched in the mouth with knowledge and opinion from a basketball player. But after considering that, I realized that 90% of the people watching this channel at 7 pm on a Saturday wouldn't have recognized him anyway.

"We are standing on the shoulders of Giants and Carver is one of those giants for us. We don't have to reinvent the wheel. What we do is we stand on that foundation that's already been laid; it's a great foundation. Carver's laid some blocks for us but we have to continue to take that tradition further." ~ The Admiral drops wisdom

As it turns out, he and his wife founded a private school in San Antonio called The Carver Academy that utilizes many of Carver's teaching techniques to provide education to K-6th graders.

Anyway, is this a first -- the professional athlete speaking intelligently about a historical figure that neither appeared in a video game nor served as a mentor/coach? If this has happened before, please excuse my ignorance. Frankly, before 7 pm tonight, I wouldn't have thought this was possible. It's not even that I think athletes are stupid or lack knowledge extending beyond their craft; I just can't imagine any being called for an interview for a program attempting to educate people. How does that even come about?? Who signs off on that?

"Okay, we'll need some experts for George Washington Carver's inventions on Modern Marvels. What've we got?" "Well, there's the tour guide from the Carver Memorial, a professor from the Tuskegee Institute, a botanist from UGA, an author on Carver's legend, and, uh, David Robinson."
"David Robinson. What school is he from?"
"... the San Antonio Spurs..."

If there was any athlete I'd expect to pull expert duty on an issue not involving athletics or weed, it'd be David Robinson. As far as I'm aware, he's the most intelligent, well-educated professional athlete of our time, at least, of those that are noteworthy... but still, this shit is bizarre and leads further credence to my belief that the world is about to come to a violent, tragic end.

Why Isn't Hardaway In Rehab Yet?

I was wondering if you could help me understand something -- what is the point of the celebrity apology? It's not remotely valid and most people dismiss it as such but we still demand it. Why? After a person exposes him or herself as an ignorant bigot, there is no stuffing the cat back in the bag. Does the apology make us feel better? Is there proof that it actually improves a situation? Is someone out there actually learning a lesson beyond "I'd better not tell people what I really think!"

We've been bombarded by the news and resulting outrage of Tim Hardaway's arbitrary bigotry and intolerance since late Wednesday night. He hates homosexuals. He hates the idea of them. Not only does he want them kept far away from himself and his team, but he also thinks they shouldn't be in the world OR the United States.

That's a pretty ironic stance for a bloke named Hardaway with crossover "skeels" that spent six years in the Bay Area before choosing to live every year since in South Beach... a homophobe deciding on the gay capitals of America as the best places to live and work makes about as much sense as a neo-Nazi seeking out the good life in Skokie, Illinois... Judging by the looks of his wife, you really couldn't blame him... but moving on...

A few hours after his interview with Dan LeBetard, Hardaway dropped this non-apology/diversion attempt on a radio station:

"Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people, or anything like that. That was my mistake... There are more important things to worry about than my comments. We should be more concerned about President (George) Bush and all the people dying in Iraq."

So over the course of maybe four hours, Hardaway admits to being a homophobic cunt and then reinforces his comments by essentially saying, "I still hate the gays but I kinda regret telling everybody... but... uh... George Bush! *runs away*" While that really ought to be enough (he couldn't be in a deeper hole), people were still asking for an apology. For what purpose? He was honest about being a rotten, vile fuck and now we want him to take it back as if that will help cushion the blow. Enter the agent, stepping in 18 hours later to give Timmy a sudden moment of clarity -- a moment of impressively articulate clarity:

"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause. I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feelings and reactions. I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago. I am committed to examining my feelings and will recognize, appreciate and respect the differences among people in our society. I regret any embarrassment I have caused the league on the eve of one of their greatest annual events."

Who is buying into that garbage? Listen to the guy -- he's not articulate enough to order a fucking pizza without a cheat sheet and yet here he is a day later talking about knowing "all too well the negative thoughts" and examining feelings. Tim Hardaway can't spell bigotry let alone use it in a grammatically correct sentence but there are mental defectives out there saying, "I knew Timmy Hardaway was a good guy! I knew he didn't mean it. He's a stand-up guy apologizing like that!" To make matters worse, there are others commenting about how "that's a good place to start."
 
Where are these people and why can't we shoot them?

He is not a stand up guy and there is no good place to start. Tim Hardaway is an unapologetic bigot with an agent trying to run damage control. He's not sorry he feels that way; he's sorry he ran his mouth in front of an on-air ESPN personality. What does it help to hear/read his words of regret (as penned by one of the interns working for his agent)? And if it doesn't help, why issue an apology at all? It's not as if "well it's the nice thing to do" really applies at this point... I just don't get it.

Ron Artest Needs a Sex Tape

Unable to pick up fans while touring with Fat Joe (or engaging in any other endeavor), Nielsen Soundscan is reporting that Ron Artest's debut album "My World" sold a huge 343 copies in its first week in stores.

Three hundred forty three and you know his mama bought 43 of them... poor thing.

With lyrics like "David Stern! Damn, David Stern. I gotta teach you bout the ghetto there's some things you should learn" and "Matt Lauer, up on NBC. You look like a girl don’t talk to me," I really don't know why he's struggling out there.

Even more troubling is that Kevin Federline's "Playing with Fire" outperformed "My World" with 6,000 copies sold in its debut. 

How does K-Fed sell anything? On first glance, you'd think he was a master marketer what with his ability to trick Britney Spears into marrying him and have his babies. But you can probably get her to follow you but leashing a bag of Cheetos and a Frappucino on a piece of string and pulling it back to your lair, so maybe he hasn't accomplished as much as I thought.

But at least he can buy an iPod with his profits. All Artest will be good for is the Whopper with cheese value meal at Burger King and I don't even know if he'll be able to upgrade that to the King size.

This wouldn't be the case if Artest had a sex tape that featured "My World" as the soundtrack. David Stern be damned; hear me out! 

We all know that sex sells no matter who is having it. Chyna and X-Pac proved as much when 40,000 people shelled out bones to watch him get it on with her micropenis.

Is Ron Artest more disgusting than those two? I submit that he is not. In fact, I bet there's a huge market for porn featuring bad boys that rail girls on the edges of beds, tables, and counter tops because they're too lazy to take off their Timberlands while knockin it out...

Oh please, like Ron Artest isn't one of these guys. I've dated Timberland Boots Guy; Ron fits the mold.

+ I know you think this is crazy but Flavor Flav has managed to get 20 women to fight for his affections - TWICE - at the cost of $100 per day + room and board. They also sign a waiver saying they won't hold VH-1 or Flav responsible when he loads them up with STDs. You're telling me Ron Artest can't pull that off? The fact that he doesn't look like a burnt turd with a gremlin face should make him a little more appealing.+ 

After the footage is shot and edited, enter marketing magic, stage left. 

First comes the clever title. I suggest "Tru Warier Nights" with a caption on the box that says "Ron Artest Hits it Like the Fist of an Angry God" ... but that's just me.

Next is the price and packaging. For $24.99, you get a DVD loaded with features and the soundtrack. Or you can download everything through the iTunes Music store for $17.99.

Third - collaborate with Kevin Federline! Get him to throw a few My World tracks onto the Oops, I Did It Again "home movies" that he's releasing in the event of a divorce from Britney Spears.

He'll be down; he'll want to team up with people who also suffer from lack of respect and constant boos from the masses. 

+ Side note - how predictable was a Britney Spears sex tape? Frankly, I expected one 15 months ago +

With a plan like this, who knows - in 2 or 3 years time, Ron Artest's album might go gold! Someone needs to contact him about my plan.

Suit: NBA Player Was Cranking One Off During Car Crash

Way back in March, Eddie Griffin of the Minnesota Timberwolves [and not Undercover Brother] crashed into a parked Suburban outside Santana Foods in Minneapolis.

The two officers that responded to the scene didn't test Griffin for alcohol and eventually did him a solid by driving him home even though video reveals that Griffin admitted his drunken state to witnesses and even offered to buy the victim a new car. However, when Griffin spoke to reporters, he said that he'd dropped his cell phone while driving and that's why he plowed into the vehicle.

Thanks to an internal affairs investigation and a recently filed civil lawsuit, the web of lies has unraveled to reveal a rather sticky situation.

The Suburban owner's lawsuit against Griffin maintains that not only was the Timberwolves center drunk, he was also masturbating and watching porn when the collision occurred. To make matters worse, he admitted as much to Abed Hassuneh, the victim's brother: "... he was masturbating himself going down that street... he was not paying attention. He's paying attention to that video and all of a sudden he's shoveled somebody's car on the top of the sidewalk." Apparently, this hard-on has a DVD player mounted in the dashboard of his Cadillac Escalade and couldn't wait until he got home (or to an empty parking lot) to have a go at himself.

What must one's life be like to be so desperate for orgasm that you have to watch porn and stroke it while tooling through a grocery store parking lot? At first I thought, "Well, it's no worse than road head." But then I smartened up because no matter how dangerous road head becomes when the guy reaches his limits, at least you have another person there doing the job. At least you can keep both hands on the wheel if need be. But that's not the case here! What if you get dizzy? What if your body starts with the involuntary movements? I have an ex-boyfriend who got the jimmy legs so bad, oral sex became a seriously dangerous proposition and I took a knee to the fuckin ribs. I can't imagine what would happen if his foot was on the gas and he was the only person around!

But forget the involuntary movements for a second, what about your mental function? When you get off, you go blank. You simply go retarded. As far as I'm concerned, a man is far more impaired post-nut than he could ever dream of being while simply drunk. And if you can get arrested for DUI, shouldn't it be illegal to jerk and drive? Even though the guy reaches his state through different means, in the end, he's still fucked up and needn't be behind the wheel...

A legislator needs to get on this issue.

[HT: David Barbour]

I Wish Dwyane Wade Spelled His Name Correctly

So the Heat pulled it off - congrats to them. I didn't have a clearcut favorite, so when the game was coming to a close, I spent most of the time focusing on my various petty dislikes (and baseless likes) of various players and using that as reasons to cheer for one side or the other.

First, I wanted to see Shaq get another ring because I hate Kobe Bryant.. but oh look, Gary Payton's on that team! That wanker can go fuck himself! He deserves nothing but a kick in the face! Go Mavs! Oooh, Alonzo Mourning, I've loved him since his rookie year. What a great person he is. Go Heat! Mark Cuban really deserves this. Plus, it'd be hilarious watching David Stern hand over the trophy. The old man would probably say "fuck it" and leave the arena with it before the ceremony. Go Mavs! Aww but Dwyane Wade! He's such a great guy - like Mourning. Even if his commercial about falling 7 times and getting up 8 makes no sense whatsoever and he does spell his name wrong [that spelling doesn't even make sense!! How do you mess up Dwayne? It's like me spelling my last name Wraner and having the nerve to pronounce it Warner as if nothing was out of place. That's not allowed! At first I thought his spelling was some typo but nope - he's actually Dwyane, Jr., which means he's the 2nd generation of not doing it right. Even Shaquille's name is spelled in a way that you'd expect and his name is ridiculous!!], can we hold that against him?

Needless to say, I'm an idiot and after the game, I'm pretty sure I flipped over to the Golden Girls and sat around with Matt trying to figure out what re-re headlines would show up on ESPN and CNNSI - I went with Hot Hot Heat. ESPN went with Hot Flash... should've known. In any case, check out my update at SportsbyBrooks where I get witty and/or catty about:

• New Zealand butterface with giant rack runs on to rugby match in bikini. Butterface auctions bikini. Ex-boyfriend wants the profits.
• Lost in Thought during Game 4, starring Anna Kournikova & Enrique Iglesias
• If the NBA can't change the rules to be fair, Cuban would sell "in a heartbeat"
• American soccer players are tougher than everyone else
• Caddychicks.com - for when you're tired of the only T&A on the golf course being that of your golf partner and Phil Mickelson
• The Chinese prove their love for the vajayjay... I knew that "women's rights problem" was a big sham.
• and more...

I'll be back kids. You don't really think I'd let the England-Sweden match go without whining and crying in an agony of hopeless grief like the hypercritical limey I am, do you?

Cheers!

Miami Heat Owner Unaware of Israel's List of Priorities

Where the Miami Heat are concerned, Raanan Katz has a message for Israel: pray for our victory.

Mickey Arison is the majority owner of the Heat, but Katz, an Israeli, has been a minority partner since the franchise's inception. He also has a stake in the two-time Euroleague Champion, Maccabi Tel Aviv.

Katz acknowledges that it won't be an easy road with Dallas having convincingly dispatched of San Antonio and Phoenix but he trusts Pat Riley "who is doing an excellent job. He prepared the team in an extraordinary way and the feeling is positive."

But not positive enough. Katz's directive to the Israeli people leaves one with the impression that he isn't banking on Coach Riley's ability to see his players through to the promised land, at least, not without help.

Enter God (whose always down for helping out various sports teams) and the Wailing Wall.

"God can always help; we need him on our side against Dallas," said Katz. "Every Israeli must support us; they must go the Western Wall and pray for us."

Well that seems like a perfectly appropriate request!

After praying and fervently pleading to God that He return to the Holy Land, ingather all the Jewish exiles, rebuild the Third Temple, and usher in the messianic era with the arrival of a Jewish Messiah, it seems only natural that one's mind would shift to the Miami Heat. And since the Western Wall has greater holiness than any other accessible place on Earth and the Divine Presence still rests within its walls, there's no greater place to give a shoutout to the Lord for the Big Aristotle and friends.

No wonder Miami played so well yesterday what with all the extra prayers and all.

You Know What Avery Johnson Did?

So I know that the youtube clip of Avery Johnson nutmugging Josh Howard is 3 or 4 days old, BUT I have a surprise in store for you. On Erik's suggestion that I make the ball shot video into a ytmnd with my favorite Trigon Insurance boy, I set to work. I've yet to figure out the ytmnd thing but I did manage to cut the video down, wipe out Marv Alberts, and give you a commentary from the kid. Hopefully it works and you'll enjoy... Cheers!

PS. This is set to loop, so be mindful of the stop button location before your patience runs out.

Update: The YTMND of Avery Johnson hitting Josh Howard in the penis has officially come to life. For some reason the timing works on IE but goes a little too quick on Firefox but I'm done with this project, so this is the end of my attempts at creativity for a while.

Dirk Nowitzki & There's Something About Mary

Sometime during the Great Depression my great-grandparents shelled out a few kids, eventually calling it a day after tyke #4. Well, my great-grandfather was, and still remains, a frisky cat and wound up in the same bed as my great-grandma's younger sister. She got pregnant, which resulted in the Jerry Springer situation that is my Great Uncle/2nd Cousin Sean. He prefers to be called Uncle Sean but only he believes this. Anyway, my great-grandmother got pregnant with child #5 as some type of weird revenge... though I've never understood her logic on that one since she's the one that went through all the pain and annoyance of pregnancy and labor, I can only assume she wasn't thinking clearly. In any case, 50-odd years of familial awkwardness ensued and now, finally, my grand aunt has passed. She shuffled loose last Wednesday, about a minute after Jens Lehmann was sent off during the 18th minute of Arsenal's losing effort to Barcalona FC... I like to think that his bonehead move did her in but according to her nurse (who was watching the match so how could she really know), she heard that eerie death rattle start up at least a 20 minutes earlier. Anyway, we're leaving for Israel tomorrow to bury her... In an odd twist, my great-grandfather is giving the eulogy for no other reason than to stick it to my great-grandmother just for kicks.  

In any case, on to a few bits and pieces... 

• Do Dirk Nowitzki's teefuses remind anyone of Matt Dillon's capped job as Pat Healy in "There's Something About Mary" or is it just me?
• The World Cup tv schedule has been released. Even if you don't like soccer, jump on the bandwagon and use the U.S. vs. Czech Republic match on June 12 as an excuse to take a 4-hour lunch.
• In other World Cup news, health experts are giving warnings that cardiac arrests, wife-beating, binge drinking, smoking, and suicide surge during the world's most-watched sporting contest. During the '98 World Cup, the number of heart attacks in Britain rose by 25% when England lost to Argentina in a penalty shootout. According to a study in the British Medical Journal - compared with admissions for the same day in previous years - 55 more people were treated for a heart stoppage. It seems that depression, violence, and self-harm are also well-known outcomes of football matches and they peak during World Cups... maybe I've finally found a valid excuse to do all the nasty things that I've been dreaming about these many years...
• Some guy went nuts on an airline the other day and was restrained by none other than Dr. 90210 himself (I don't know who this guy is but the article seems to indicate that he's tres cool). The crazy hopped out of his seat in coach and marched into first class about 15 minutes before the flight was going to land. The passengers watched the madness unfold for quite some time but when the hostile pushed a stewardess, Dr. 90210 sprung to action. "When you get a black belt, at that stage your brain just clicks into action. I restrained this gentleman in a very aggressive way without hurting him." Very impressive. Too bad he used his kah-rah-tay to take down a "very frail" 80 year old man whose only weapons were probably a bottle of Metamucil and a pair of Depends. Someone needs their brain to click into action and kick Dr. 90210 in the teeth. Stupid bastard.

I Wish Samuel L. Jackson Owned Sports Teams

I don't care about basketball anymore... There was a time when I thought it was the greatest game ever invented and that the players were gods among men. Then the bulk of the Dream Team retired and I realized that 90% of the players were selfish prima donnas more interested in highlight reels than actually playing the game. My interest hung on by a thread through the last couple years of the '90s and officially tapped out somewhere around championship 2 of the Laker Threepeat. Nowadays I watch the highlights on SportsCenter and try not to fall asleep during the playoffs... aside from diva drama, nothing interesting ever seemed to happen. And then AI and Chris Webber didn't show for the game last night... when I first saw the news, I was disappointed. For all the negatives that come with AI, I admired him as a basketball player. He always left it all on the floor, always played injured (is it me or has he been injured since, oh, 1998?) and after watching him weep and boo hoo on some interviews, I was starting to develop a soft spot for the little guy... but this just confirms that I'm a dumb ass. As you all know, he and Chris Webber pulled diva duty and didn't show until 5 minutes before tipoff on fan appreciation night in Philly. My quarrel, however, isn't with them -- things like this are part of the reason why I've given up on the NBA. It's with Billy King. Did you see his "tirade?" What a freaking amateur. I know King is important and being business-like and professional is the name of the game but look at this:

"I'm not sitting here worrying about, yes, should they be here? It's going to be addressed. They're going to be fined. That's all the [bleep] I can do about it. I can't sit here and keep a stopwatch to let you guys know when they're here.

"They're not here. When they get here, they'll be late and they'll be [bleeping] fined. That's what the [bleep] I'm going to talk about. All right? Our team is not good right now. I know that, and worrying about the [bleep] that they're late or not doesn't do any [bleeping] bit of good to be sitting here worrying about it.

"We didn't make the playoffs. I've got a lot of [bleeping] work to do, and this is some [bleep] that is a distraction to me. Am I pissed off? You're goddamn right I am. Is that what you want to hear? You [bleeping] heard it.''

Six bleeps and you don't even need to loosen your tie? Come on, Billy! You're not allowed to drop f-bombs and other bleepables while using a tone that makes me wonder if you just gave me a stock tip. If you're going to set a few bleeps and bleepings loose, break a sweat while you do it because David Stern is going to fine you anyway! This professional stuff is for the birds and it's why I wish Samuel L. Jackson was an owner or general manager of a professional sports team. Imagine the tirade if Iverson and Webber tried to punk Samuel L. the way they've done Billy King and the 76ers --

• Reporter: Samuel L, Allen Iverson and Chris Webber have disrespected your organization and your fan--.
• Owner Samuel L: I don't remember asking you a GODdamn thing!
• *Reporter wets self and recovers*: Why did they do this?
• Owner Samuel L: I don't know why the motherfuckers think they can get away with this shit. These motherfuckers do this shit again, there won't be trades and there won't be buyouts. Both their motherfuckin asses will be dead as fucking fried chicken. This team is god awful and that makes me nervous. And when I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherfuckers get scared that's when motherfuckers get shot. You fucking heard it.
• Reporter: Samuel L, do your players respect you?
• Owner Samuel L: I'm a bad motherfucker.

I won't hold my breath on Samuel L. owning or managing a franchise but if he ever works his way into the NBA, I think I'll be able to rationalize hopping back on the fanwagon.

Andrew Bynum: The Baby Aristotle?

The NBA Draft Used to be Exciting

Bits and Pieces

Jackson Rehired. Think He Can Succeed?

Three Things

Jay-Z, L.L., Ashanti, Kanye West, and... Lebron?

"I'm stunned by everything that is happening," Aaron Goodwin said. "We did everything for Lebron to help mold him off the court and become the next big icon in sports. If what we did over the past two years led him to believe that he no longer needs an agent, then I guess we didn't do too badly." ... Aaron Goodwin said there was "no indication from Lebron that he was unhappy."

Player of the Month & ReRe of the Month

ALSO (ooo!), he leads the NBDL in scoring with 19.4 points per game, free throw percentage at .891 (82-of-92), and is second in the league in three-point field goal percentage at .522 (12-of-23).

[The NBDL, the NBA’s minor league, includes the Fayetteville Patriots (N.C.), Florida Flame (Ft. Myers), Huntsville Flight (Ala.), Roanoke Dazzle (Va.), Columbus Riverdragons (Ga.) and Asheville Altitude (N.C.). The league offers players the opportunity to develop their talent in a highly competitive atmosphere under the NBA’s umbrella.]

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In other news, I'm sure most of you have heard about Daunte Culpepper's faux pas with the paralyzed high school football player. In case you missed it, our favorite Minny mental defective ungifted $75,000 in diamond necklaces from some random paralyzed kid - one was the No. 11 and the other was a large pepper...for Culpepper.

I know it makes little sense for some professional athlete to just hand over $75,000 in bling just because you asked him to but what in the hell was Culpepper thinking? Does the kid really need this crap around his neck? He can't even move his bloody arms!

I'm just spitballing here but maybe an additional 20 pounds of rock is compounding the issue... Nice moves, Daunte. But we probably can't blame him. He's functionally retarded.

Throwing to No. 84 = good. Throwing to non-purple men = bad. Run to the big yellow posts at end of the field = good. Getting tackled by non-purple men = bad. I think Culpepper actually needed his necklaces back.

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say that his address is engraved on the opposite side. If he gets lost or has any struggles getting on the short bus, he can turn to the bling. Let's face it, when you take the helmet and the jersey away, it tends to cloud the issue for some of these guys. "Ah, No. 11... That's me!" "Pepper... that's for me!"

There ya go, Daunte! There ya go, buddy! And is all of this really surprising to any of you? He's a wondertard, but the public is hampered by the fact that we don't see him without his helmet very often... which may be by design. Just look at him here. Is that guy REALLY aware of what's going on? If I had to guess, someone told him to put on his helmet; it's time to finger paint.

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Original Comments

Read to Achieve

Whitney believes the children are our future. If we teach them well and let them lead the way, we can show them all the beauty they possess inside. That's deep, Whit... I'm right with ya. ... too bad your daughter wasn't born when you were singing "The Greatest Love of All"... she would have developed before you became a crackhead. I'm just spitballing here but it seems to me that the children becoming our future really depends on how well we can teach them and that's not something we're doing all that well. Sure, there are thousands of brainiacs out there leaving their high schools behind for elite colleges and prosperous lives but what about the hundreds of thousands of functionally illiterate and uneducated entering the world each year? [No, this is not a rabidly partisan post] It's clear to everyone that the wasteland that is the American public school system has been made so by the corrupt, hidebound education monopoly that supports her. The problems are too many to list but I think it's fair to say that the bulk of America's children are consigned to worthless education and even the better public schools are substandard when compared to those of industrialized nations. One of you is reading this right now and is yelling back, "That's easy to say. What's YOUR solution, smart ass?" Yeah, you caught me. I don't have one... but it seems that neither does anyone else (translation: I don't buy No Child Left Behind as "the answer" though it's a start) but there may be hope...

Enter David Stern and the NBA. I'm sure you've all heard about Read to Achieve. According to NBA.com, "The NBA’s Read to Achieve program is a year-round campaign to help young people develop a life-long love for reading and encourage adults to read regularly to children."

Let's think about this for a moment, shall we?

This is an education program... an education program that charges NBA players, men who have achieved in spite of literacy, with reading to the local youth in pre-arranged events across the nation. The irony of this is spinning me out. Half of these guys can't speak English, let alone read. I have friends in the NBA and with the exception of a couple, they're stand-up guys... but I'm a cynic at heart. From alleged rapists and domestic abusers to potheads and thugs, the NBA has acquired an image that's pretty tough to shake. I'm tempted to believe that given the constant PR disaster that is the NBA, Commissioner Stern had to develop something positive that fans could point to and say, "See, these guys aren't so bad." "Photo-op publicity ploy? No way." "The players are making a sincere, honest effort to throw down some wisdom to the youth of this great nation." If the league wants to prove to the masses that its players are socially conscious Care Bears eager to raise awareness, ehhh... I might I buy it... but when I look at some of the "reading" advocates, I feel the bitter smacks of Irony, as the NBA hypes these paragons of individuals that haven't benefited from reading in any way, shape, or form.

The opener for R2A (that's my own acronym!) in 2002 was Yao Ming. Now maybe I don't have all of my information correct but the only English he knew in at this point in time was, "Can I write a check?" We all remember that Visa Check Card commercial where Yao gets to New York, has checks but no ID, wants a souvenier and the only English the poor guy knows is that phrase and how to say his own bloody name. Maybe they located some Houston-area Chinese kids to come to the program and learn about literacy... at least that would make sense. But if they didn't, well, I hope Yao's translator has a great story voice - otherwise, these kids got the shaft. ... Carmelo Anthony is the man-boy that after one year at 'Cuse said, "I don’t want to make it sound bad but there’s really nothing more I could get out of college." Thanks for your input, 'Melo. That's a great statement for the kids. ... Lebron James and Kevin Garnett. I'm sorry for being such a bitch here but do you really think these guys read? I've heard Kevin Garnett speak multiple times and he may very well be functionally retarded. Skipping college was likely in his best interest because my toddler nephew strings words together more eloquently than Kevin.

I'm not saying that someone with freakish talent should be forced to languish in collegiate basketball when they have the opportunity to see their greatest dreams come to fruition. But let's not lead "the future" astray here - these guys don't need to be READING to anybody. In fact, someone should be reading to them! I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Read to Achieve has helped boost the league's literacy rate.

How about lessons on the issues with which NBA players have practical experience? Avoiding Indictments with Allen Iverson; Jason Kidd & Restoring One's Image After Beating Your Wife; Ron Artest: Anger Management and CD Promotion; Chris Webber styling with Perjury, Obstruction of Justice, and Me. Stick with what you know, fellas. Reading aint it.

I know this is a stretch but maybe Read to Achieve is a cover for a No Books, Just Hoops campaign. Why has Keith Van Horn's game become softer than Charmin? Because he reads! When Damon Stoudamire sits down with a group of youngins, I seriously doubt they're thinking, "I can read and be smart just like Damon." That's just what David Stern wants us to believe. It's more along the lines of, "Screw reading and cursive and all that bullshit. I can get blazed and play hoops all day just like Damon!" If Kobe read to kids (before Colorado), I'd buy that. If Pat Garrity read to kids, I'd buy that. Emeka Okafor, Tim Duncan, Grant Hill... where are these guys? Why aren't they reading to the children? Oh, I'm sorry - they have to make way for Johnny Phonic's photo-op.

Now all this said, I recognize that this program has achieved some very positive things for communities across the country. I'm not knocking that... only the representatives of choice.